Get your own FREE Home PageOLTL SATIRE-PART EIGHTY SEVEN
Satire - Part 87 -CC The Newbie finds Jill's Unmentionables.
This is a work of fiction. It is meant to be satirical in nature. Initially published on 26 FEB 2000.
May I have just a moment for silence for Robin Strasser as she closes the door on Dorian's mansion and this chapter of the character's story this week. Thank you.
We may now start our regularly scheduled program...This is a work of fiction. It is meant to be satirical in nature. Initially published on 26 FEB 2000.
WHAT HAPPENS:
1. Nora’s secret is revealed.
2. Patty E and the gang get their hands on JFP’s checkbook.
3. Poisonwood gives KdlR a special potion mix to help him better get along with his co-stars.
4. JB works out.
5. NP and Patty M get the “sneak peek.”
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It was early in the morning. CC The Newbie and Dim snuck into JFP’s office wearing all black and carrying walkie-talkies with them. Outside, Patty E, Hill, and ET were acting as lookouts. Dim and CC began searching for JFP’s checkbook. CC checked JFP’s filing cabinets while Dim went through JFP’s messy desk.
“Hey CC,” said Dim holding up Tim Gibbs’s immaculate picture frame.
“What?” asked CC turning around.
“I just put my fingerprints all over Tim’s picture. Jill will freak,” grinned Dim.
“Oh my Gosh!” exclaimed CC, “I just found a bunch of whips and chains and a can of cream!!”
“I won’t ask,” said Dim.
“Dim, I can’t find the checkbook anywhere!!” fussed CC dragging on her ciggie.
Dim looked in Jill’s outbox. Beside Jill’s latest stack of snickers wrappers was the checkbook. But before Dim could grab it, Patty E yelled into Dim’s walkie-talkie that Mark Derwin and Kale Brown were going inside. Panicked, Dim hid under JFP’s desk. CC hid in JFP’s cleaning closet.
MD and KB walked in and turned on the light.
“Aw Man, Kale, I heard Jill finally hired a new chick to play “Melanie”,” said MD, “Do you know her name?”
“Darlene Vogel,” said KB. He picked up the checkbook and gave it to MD, “Bring the checkbook to Susie in payroll. I’ve got to be on the set for Botrina’s wedding soon.”
“Okay,” grunted MD.
MD and KB left. As soon as they did, Dim radioed Patty E and crawled out from under Jill’s ash infested floor.
“CC, where are you?” asked Dim.
CC walked out of the cleaning closet and held up a box that read, ”Unmentionables.”
They both looked horrified, dropped the box, and ran out of the office.
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Meanwhile, in the hallway…
Patty E, Hill and ET set out to follow MD. MD was no dummy though. When he figured out they were following him, he turned around and asked, “Why are you following me?”
Patty E shot him a slick smile.
“Mark, you have something we want,” said Patty E.
“Really? What?” he asked as he slid the checkbook into his pant’s back pocket. Hill snuck around in back of him.
“Advice! Yeah – we need advice,” said ET all cutesy-like.
MD crossed his arms, “Really?”
“Yeah. We need advice on different kissing techniques,” added Patty E.
“Yeah. Patty and I think you are a really HOT kisser and we wish our co-stars would kiss us like you kiss Diva Slezak…” added ET.
Hill lifted the checkbook.
“Well, I just pucker my lips and open my mouth really wide,” said MD.
“That’s how you do it? Wow….” Gushed Patty E.
“Look, I gotta’ go but if you guys need anymore advice just ask,” said MD. He walked off and Hill held up the checkbook.
Dim and CC joined them and told them about the box of ”unmentionables.” Everyone was curious as to what was in it. They needed to find someone brave enough to look inside it.
Anyway, the gang went to Hill’s dressing room and filled out all the checks giving all the cool people big fat hefty raises. Then ET walked the checks down to her friend, Susie in payroll.
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The Wedding Set…
After doing the checkbook thing, Patty E, Hill, Dim, ET, and CC The Newbie who had 2 gratuitous token lines at Botrina’s wedding rushed to wardrobe and switched into their wedding clothes. Alyssa and Melissa did a quick touch up job on them and they took their places on the set. Dim joined TDS at the altar. TDS looked confused.
“I’ll tell you later,” whispered Dim.
“All Right! Action!” exclaimed the director.
George the Cameraman rolled tape.
“STOP THE WEDDING!” someone yelled.
Everyone turned around. It was Nora.
“I HAVE A SECRET!” yelled Nora.
Everyone looked confused.
Bo got in Nora’s face, “C’Mon Nora, cut Botrina some slack and don’t ruin my daughter’s wedding like you ruined mine.”
“No!” yelled Nora, “I must tell my secret!”
Hank got in Nora’s face, “Well, what secret could you possibly have on RJ?”
“Whatever it is, I don’t want to hear it, Nora,” said Botrina clinging to RJ, “I love RJ.”
Viki and Renee stood up next to Nora, “Hey, we’re behind Nora 100 percent so just get out of her face.”
RJ got pissed, crossed his arms and scowled at Nora, “Just spit it out Nora. I want to hear it so I can get back to marrying Trina.”
“Oooh RJ, Ohh…” rattled off Nora, “I finally figured it out. You know it’s like some light bulb went off in my head and I got my brain back. It may have taken me a while but I know the truth now…” hissed Nora.
“Well, spit it out,” said RJ, “What do you want to tell me?”
“Rachel is your daughter,” said Nora.
Hank flipped out, “It took you over 20 years to figure that out?!”
“I don’t believe you Nora. Is it true?” asked a stunned RJ.
“Who is Rachel?” asked Botrina.
“Well, she ain’t Sandra P. Grant…” whispered Renee to Viki.
“It’s the God’s honest truth,” said Nora.
Hank wigged out, “You liar! Rachel’s mine! I can’t believe you two-timed me with RJ!!”
Bo got in Hank’s face, “Hey, she two-timed me with Sam.”
RJ turned to Botrina as everyone argued, “Trina, I love you, not Nora. That was years ago. Me and Nora had drunken, unprotected sex…”
“I know you love me RJ. Let’s get married anyway,” said Botrina.
Botrina and RJ said “I do” and Botrina finally became Mrs. RJ Gannon. The scene ended.
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On the set of “Carlotta’s” Diner…
EP, dressed as Poisonwood Rosie, walked onto the set wearing a slinky outfit for her character’s big seduction scene. KdlR was all ready there wearing a tank top and jeans, showing off his tattoos.
JFP was on the set micromanaging everything.
“Now Kamar – this is going to be HOT! HOT! HOT! Rosie’s gonna be in your lap and you guys are gonna’ kiss – DEEPLY and I’ll play Meredith Brooks, ”What Would Happen” as you and Rosie have sex, ah, I mean, “Make love,” said JFP puffing on 3 ciggies.
“I don’t want to kiss her!!” fussed Kamar.
“Hey! I took a bath today,” said EP crossing her arms.
“Yeah but I hear you kiss with Flo’s leftover cough drops in your mouth!!” pouted Kamar, “Do I have to kiss her Jill?”
“Stop being difficult Kamar and kiss Rosie,” said Jill.
“But she’s got girl cooties!!” whined KdlR.
JFP rolled her eyes and motioned for Kale Brown to come over. KB did.
“Obviously…” said Jill raising her voice, “Kamar isn’t aware of the fact that I run a happy studio where everyone loves and admire everyone else and never says anything bad about anyone else so explain it to him Kale.”
KB took KdlR aside and explained the facts of life to Kamar according to Jill.
Poisonwood produced a vial of secret potion and gave it to Jill, “Look Jill, give this stuff to Kamar and it will turn him into a pussy cat.”
JFP raised an eyebrow and puffed on her ciggies, “What is it?”
Poisonwood just grinned, “Juice o’ Cat. Sure to tame the most aggressive lion and turn them into a pussy.”
JFP rolled her eyes.
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It was time for mail call but Don and Dim couldn’t find Jill in her office. After hunting high and low for her, they found her on the set of ”Serenity Springs” where JB, DF, TG, and JSS were shooting a working out scene. All of them wore tank tops that showed off their bulging chest muscles.
Don was sad. Only when Jill was desperate would she let him take off his shirt.
“Mail call Jill,” said Dim.
JFP dragged on her ciggies, “Give it to me straight girls.”
“Well, according to OLTL Fairytaleland Polls, Todd and Téa are once again HOT and Ben and Viki are NOT,” said Don.
JFP put her hand on her hips, “The fans rig the polls anyway. I don’t believe everything I hear.”
“Here’s a letter from Tex. It says, “Thank you Ms. Phelps for bringing Todd back even if it was just only for a week. I hope he will finally find happiness with his true soulmate, Téa,” read Dim.
“Obviously Tex hasn’t seen McT’s latest write up about TnT and happiness that I told her to say,” gloated Jill.
“Fans are outraged that John Bolger was put on contract but we got two letters from Martine and rins who were happy about the news,” said DJ.
“Only TWO???” exclaimed Jill.
JB flexed his muscles for Martine and rins.
Dim gagged and ran for the toilet.
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It was the end of the day and Dim, CC The Newbie, TDS and JSS were hanging out in their dressing room.
“I miss Robin. The silence is deafening…” sniffed CC.
“I agree…” said Dim.
Just then NP and Patty M walked in.
“Got the sneak peek guys?” grinned JSS flirting with Dim.
Patty M held up a snickers wrapper.
NP read, “Note to McT: Let’s really suck this Todd stuff for everything we can and make that new character, “Colin,” Todd’s long lost twin brother.”
Dim and CC The Newbie gagged.
“It’s a good thing we got a sneak peak!!” said JSS.
“No kidding!! You girls gotta’ tell Patty E!!” exclaimed TDS.
CC lit another ciggie as she felt her blood pressure go up, “You know, I’m gonna’ die from lung cancer at this rate.”
Dim, whose blood pressure also went through the roof took a drag off of CC’s ciggie. She couldn’t believe that the HORROR was never going to end.
Just then AngelaB delivered a postcard to Dim from Flo and was shocked to see Dim smoking.
Dim read, “Dear Dim, I’m up for a part on a primetime show called ”Now and Again.” Wish me luck. Love, your ex-roomie, Flo.”
“Good for Flo!!” said Patty M, “I liked that show when I was on it.”
Dim grinned, “You go girl!!”
“So what are you gonna’ do about the sneak peek?” asked NP.
“Jill will Pay,” said Dim.
I would like to “dedicate” this satire to a person I consider a dear on-line friend, “Apricot”. She’s hung in there, like I have, watching the show serve up it’s drivel and tripe the past year, mainly out of loyalty to Florencia Lozano and it hasn’t been easy. This coming week will mark Lozano’s last scenes when she goes, I go and so does Apricot. Apricot, thank you for all your scoops, discussions, and reaching out to me when I least expected it. I will miss you. Sincerely, Dim.
NEXT:
1. TG is miffed when he finds fingerprints all over his frame.
2. JFP is pissed to find out all her bucks were sucked dry out of her checkbook.
3. RS is riffed over rumors of her leaving.
4. Kamar is tiffed over JB’s star treatment.
5. Diva Hickland looks in Jill’s ”unmentionables” box.
6. Mirror McT talks some sense into McT.
7. Botrina and RJ consummate the marriage!! It’s JFP’s MOST sizzling montage yet!!
8. NP and Patty M get the sneak peak.
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