Get your own FREE Home PageOLTL SATIRE-PART EIGHTY FOUR
Satire - Part 84 - "Can You Smell The Tuna In The Room?"
This is a work of fiction. It is meant to be satirical in nature. Initially published on 06 FEB 2000.
WHAT HAPPENS:
1. RS gets in one last hurrah before she goes.
2. Mail call with Dim & Don.
3. Mirror McT is back.
4. Poisonwood kills rumors.
5. Flo got scoop.
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It was early in the morning. JFP, ever the suck up, had one of her minions go to the store to buy Rog a gift. Rog was coming to the studio to film his first scenes back and she wanted to show her appreciation. As JFP paced on the penthouse set, she puffed on three ciggies. George the Cameraman was busy setting up. Melissa the Make-Up chick was throwing make up on FL. RS, PE, Dim, Hill, and GT were standing around the coffee pot pretending to go over their lines but really were gossiping. Jules, Flo’s personal assistant, was taking notes as Flo was planning to bequeath some personal effects to her closest friends before she left.
Suddenly, the Picture Frame Boys, KB, MD, RSW, TG, and JB walked in and they looked pi$$ed.
“Jill, I heard you got Rog to take off his shirt for a few scenes! What’s wrong with my chest?” puffed Tim Gibbs. He was polishing the award he won last week.
“Jill, I haven’t taped in over a week!!” huffed JB.
“Sam hasn’t boffed Nora in two weeks!!” added KB.
“Ben hasn’t locked lips with Blondie in over a week…” fussed MD, “C’Mon!! I’m a hunk!! Use me!! I’m sick of fighting Phil, ah, I mean Asa. Ben’s a lover, not a fighter!!”
JFP puffed on her ciggies, “What about you Woodsy? What’s your beef?”
“Well, I thought you promised me Bo would shoot blanks but I’ll live with it. The boys got more legitimate concerns..” said RSW sipping his office out of his award winning coffee cup. He was in chill mode.
“I thought I was your matinee idol!!” pouted JB.
“Calm down boys. Take a pill. I haven’t taken any of your frames down. Look, I know it’s unpleasant but play nice and suck up to Rog. It’s only for a week and when he leaves so does Flo…” said JFP puffing ciggie smoke in their faces.
Just then, JFP’s minion walked onto the set holding a huge bouquet of flowers.
“Those are for Rog, aren’t they?!” cried TG in despair.
“You never get me flowers Jill!!” pouted KB.
JFP rolled her eyes and blew ciggie smoke in their faces.
Hill, Dim, RS, PE, FL, Melissa the make-up Chick, and GT were hovering around the coffee pot faking it.
“Those boys will whine about anything, won’t they?!” said Dim rolling her eyes and crossing her arms.
“Tell me about it,” said RS, “Look, the next script I’m going to get is going to be the last so I want one last hurrah before I blow Llanview for greener pastures – like primetime.”
“What did you have in mind Robin?” questioned PE.
“Are you going to steal her ciggies again?” asked GT.
“Blow up her office?” asked Jules.
“Put some eggshells in the hall again?” asked Hill.
“Nah. I’m talking really obnoxious and rude here Girls. CC The Newbie, my diva in training is out getting the goods as we speak,” said RS.
“Robin, we’re dying to know!!” exclaimed FL.
“I’m gonna open up a can of tuna and put it under Jill’s casting ouch. I hear she’s auditioning for a new character, “Colin McIver” but once the guy gets a whiff of that tuna….” Said Robin with evil grin.
“He’ll head for the hills!!” said Dim.
“Brilliant!” exclaimed PE.
“When are you going to do it Robin?” asked GT.
“Right now, while Jill’s fussing with the boys,” said Robin. She snapped her fingers and CC The Newbie walked up to her holding a can of ”Chicken of the Sea” tuna ready to be opened.
The coffee pot crew giggled as Robin, Dim, CC The Newbie and PE walked out unnoticed.
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Meanwhile, on the set….
The Picture Frame Boys were still crying to Jill.
“Look Jill, there are all kinds of rumors going around like Todd is finally going to boink Téa…” pouted JB.
JFP rolled her eyes, “Now why would I give the fans what they want?”
“You got Rog a primetime gig for doing this favor…” added TG.
“Now why would I put in a good word for Rog?” asked JFP.
“Jill…”
Jill had enough, “SHUT UP ROSEANNE!!” she yelled.
The Picture Frame Boys were speechless.
“Who is Roseanne?” asked MD, “I don’t remember her.”
Jill pointed to George, “You…cameraman…go get Poisonwood. She needs to kill a few rumors…”
George left to look for Poisonwood.
Rog came and taped his scenes for the day and left. It was a closed set meaning those people who were necessary could only be there. The Picture Frame Boys who were kicked out, were convinced that Rog had finally taken off his shirt and told the press. Rumors were running amok.
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Later on that morning…
Dim walked onto the set of Buchanan Enterprises dressed in a power suit. TDS, PC, PE, JdP, and KdP were all ready there. The director walked in and yelled action.
Botrina was sitting down behind her desk making a multi-million dollar deal when RJ walked in holding a box of chocolates and flowers.
Botrina looked up, “Oh RJ…how sweet.”
RJ grinned, “Yeah, that’s me. I’m a mushy kind of guy.”
He held out the box of chocolates.
Botrina stood up and took it, “RJ, it’s kind of light.”
“Open it up and find out why,” said RJ.
Botrina opened the box. Staring her in the face was a solitaire diamond ring. She was shocked.
Asa, Renee, Max, and Blair looked through the office doors like a pack of busybodies but the truth be told they just wanted to watch RJ propose to Botrina.
“He’ll get down on a knee…” whispered Renee all sentimental.
“A real man won’t,” said Max.
“You did,” said Blair.
“Brain damage,” fussed Max.
“At least RJ ain’t no damn RappaDavidson,” fussed Asa.
Botrina walked up to RJ and whispered, “My family is watching from the doorway so you better make it good.”
“Botrina Tran Buchanan,” said RJ getting down on one knee, “I love you. Marry me.”
Botrina sniffed. Tears of love fell down her face, “Of course I’ll marry you. How could I pass up a chance to become Botrina Buchanan Gannon?”
RJ slid the ring on her finger but before he could kiss her, Asa, Renee, Max, and Blair burst in congratulating the couple.
The scene ended.
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Dim, Hill, and GT were walking down the hall talking about an upcoming scene when RS and LJM, walking side by side, walked up to them. Dim fought back the drool threatening to slobber down her chin. She thought LJM was a little hottie.
“Hi Robin. Hi Leigh…” said GT and Dim all Starry eyed.
“Hi girls,” said LJM. He blushed.
“He’s mine!!” said GT to Dim as RS and LJM walked past them.
“Mine!” fussed Dim.
Hill just rolled her eyes at the foolishness.
Robin took LJM’s arm and turned back to Dim and GT. She mouthed “Sorry Girls but he’s all mine,”
They walked off.
Just then Ian Buchanan ran out of JFP’s office clutching his nose.
Hill, Dim, and GT watched him race for the nearest door.
“First Stephen Schetzer now Ian Buchanan. I wonder what’s up?” asked GT.
“Robin’s tuna,” deadpanned Hill.
Rick Hearst walked past the girls into Robin’s office.
Dim, Hill, and GT just giggled.
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It was time for mail call and Dim and Don, each carrying a bag full of mail walked into JFP’s office. Jill was puffing on three ciggies and munching on a snicker’s bar. The casting couch was in the corner. McT was standing up and writing notes as JFP was approving plot outlines. John Bolger’s mirror hung over Jill’s desk. “Twilight Zone” music came from the intercom. Dim and Don plopped the mailbags on Jill’s desk.
“Okay McT, it’s time for mail call. Let’s put those plots on hold. Give it to me straight girls,” said JFP puffing on her ciggies.
DJ cleared his throat, “I’m a guy Jill.”
“Oh yeah. I know you. Aren’t you boffing Skye on the show?” asked JFP licking her lips.
“That’s Don, Jill. His character is engaged to Kelly,” corrected McT.
“Whatever. So can I sit back and gloat? Gimme the ratings,” said JFP lighting another ciggie.
“4.1 Jill – your best yet,” said Dim glumly.
“hehehe…” chuckled Jill, “Who’s hot?”
“Ben and his gun,” said DJ.
JFP rolled her eyes.
“Fans are happy that you gave Nora her brain back…” said Dim reading a letter.
JFP pouted and turned to McT, “You did WHAT?!”
“Look, Jill, it was getting STALE. I had to change it up a bit…” started McT.
“Look, all the females on this show are supposed to dumb McT…” rattled Jill.
Dim and Don rolled their eyes.
McT looked away from Jill into the Mirror and saw Mirror McT staring back at her.
”Are you going to put up with this $hit? Tell Jill to stick it!” said Mirror McT.
McT rubbed her eyes.
“Look, Jill…” said McT really wishy-washy like.
“No, you look McT – I want to you to take Nora’s brain away again…The chicks on this show gotta’ be rock dumb to make my Boy’s look good…” continued JFP.
”I think you should use the Llanview Brain Sucking Machine on Stupid @$$ Jill…” said Mirror McT.
“But Jill…” started McT.
“Don’t but Jill me…” said JFP puffing on her ciggies.
”Stick up for yourself or you’ll find yourself in the cheap seat with Spammy Long!!” said Mirror McT.
“SHUT UP JILL!!” yelled McT.
Dim and Don looked shocked.
McT got firm, “I gave Nora her brain back and I’m not taking it away so live with it! You need me to write this show for you so you better start treating me with more respect!!”
Mirror McT smiled, ”You go girl!! Can you smell the tuna in the room?!”
“Can you smell the tuna in the room JillyGirl?! It reeks. Like you. Now stop being a bully!!” said McT putting her hands on her hips.
Dim and Don sniffed the air and caught a faint whiff of tuna.
JFP pouted. McT had a point. Ratings were up because of McT. She vowed to try harder to be nicer to McT.
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It was late in the evening. TDS, EP, DF, JSS, Dim, Flo, and Jules were hanging out in Dim and Flo’s dressing room.
“And to little Kristen Alderson I bequeath my favorite smile…” said FL. She handed Jules a picture of her smiling.
“Flo, is it true you and Rog taped on a closed set today?” asked TDS.
Flo just smiled.
“Hey Dave, I hear you play a mean game of pinball,” said JSS.
“I got a new nickname – PinballCristian,” grinned DF, “By the way, Me and Patty E are doing a guest appearance at some mall next week. I want all those Renee and Cris fans to show up.”
“I’ll be there,” said JSS.
“Hey Poisonwood, I heard there were some juicy rumors out there that Jill had you kill,” said Dim sipping her H2O.
“And they’re still out there too. Jill didn’t meet my price and you know Poisonwood Rosie – I don’t come cheap,” said EP mixing up a new batch of herbal thingies and chicken bones.
“Tell me about it!!” teased JSS.
EP pouted.
“So Flo, got scoop?” asked TDS with a mischievous grin in his eye.
“Téa kisses Todd,” said FL blushing.
“That’s it?” said Jules.
“That’s all?” fussed Dim.
Before Flo could reply there was a knock on the door. Flo went to go answer it expecting AngelaB, her favorite UPS girl.
As she opened the door she was shocked.
Rog stood there holding up a postcard with an amused grin on his face. His hair was short and he didn’t have a goatee.
“Rog…” muttered Flo.
“I got your postcard right here Flo,” teased Rog.
She reached up to grab it but he pulled it away and laughed.
“Talk about personal delivery,” said Dim.
TDS got up and patted Rog on the back, “It’s good to see you dude.”
“You too Tim. I hear RJ’s up to no good,” said Rog.
“You bet,” said TDS.
“Hey!” said Dim, “Why you two leave what’s gonna’ happen to AngelaB? She’ll be out of a job.”
Flo grinned, “Don’t worry Dim. I have a feeling Ang will still have a job delivering postcards. Mine.”
“Aw Flo…” sniffed Dim, “I’ll miss you.”
“I’ll miss you too Dim…” said FL.
NEXT:
1. The cast and crew throw RS and FL a going away party.
2. PE and DF get stranded at the mall.
3. JFP smells the tuna.
4. Blair throws Botrina an engagement party.
5. CC The Newbie gets a proposition!!
6. Dim gets a new roommate!!
Satire Fans:
Want to attend Robin and Flo’s going away party? Drop a line with me at my email, or my website’s Messageboard or at this post and tell what gift you’re bringing and who it’s for. Hope to see you at the party!! Love & Ciggies, Dim.
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