Get your own FREE Home PageOLTL SATIRE-PART EIGHTY THREE
Satire - Part 83 - "Jill, Mirror McT Rocks!!"
This is a work of fiction. It is meant to be satirical in nature. Initially published on 30 Jan 2000.This is a Satire Classic.
WHAT HAPPENS:
1. Attend the FIRST annual Satire Awards.
2. Sam finds his mojo.
3. The Phantom and Uncle Tony sabotage the Picture Frame Boys.
4. JFP gets a special award.
5. Flo got scoop.
************************************************************************************************************
TG, MD, JB, and KB were at the studio getting ready for the first annual satire awards. All the Picture Frame Boys were wearing dapper tuxes and looked fine. JB got a new rug for the occasion.
“I’m really excited about tonight,” gushed TG, “All the soap rags will be there. Maybe I’ll finally get good press.”
KB pouted, “I still haven’t found my mojo and I’m no good without it!”
“Well, I tried to give little Kristen Alderson ten bucks to go worm her way into Dim and Flo’s dressing room but she refused to do it,” said JB checking his rug in the mirror.
Just then RSW walked in holding up a slim jim and Sam’s mojo.
“Have no fear Kale, yer mojo is here,” grinned RSW.
KB looked delighted and grabbed his mojo.
“C’Mon! Jill and McT are waiting in the limo for us!!” said MD.
The Picture Frame Boys checked out their handsome physiques one last time in the mirror before leaving.
*******************************************************************************************************
Madison Square Garden was a madhouse. It was fifteen minutes until the show as to broadcast live on “DimTV” (Taped delayed for the West Coast) and Jonathan Reiner, looking sophisticated in his tux and Liz2 looking elegant in her evening gown, were nervous.
Natalie was catering the event and her hors d'oeuvres and appetizers were a big hit. While the stars and fans waited for the show to begin, they chowed down on natalie’s goodies.
Rog showed up with his wife Cari. Flo showed up with her boyfriend, Cris. Dim showed up with JSS. As a joke, she wore a power suit. Diva Dano brought her man Frank with her. Poisonwood brought her fiancé. Gina showed up with JaCk. Dim and Flo’s personal assistants, Jules and Kelly showed up. Bo & Nora Fan and MaryAnn showed up supporting the loyal Bo & Nora Forever Fans. The Phantom made friends with Woodsy and Hill. DF and PE were handing out autographed photos to their fans. Starrstruck, Louise, and Dee Dee paid big money to sit behind Rog and Flo’s table. SisterJenny managed to get RS and CC The Newbie’s autograph as they walked in. Jer and Snark were hanging around the punchbowl spiking the drinks like the morally bankrupt and pathetic fans they were. CrazyCat snuck in a paid a bouncer 20 bucks to sit in the good seats. Finally, JFP showed up in her red-hot burgundy dress followed by McT and the Picture Frame Boys.
Carolyn Hinsey from SOD gave JFP’s dress two thumbs down.
JR and Liz2 gathered all the presenters backstage and gave them a little briefing.
“Okay, there’s a Teleprompter to help you with your lines but it’s okay to adlib as long as you don’t go over,” said JR.
“Consult my Nasty Notepad for the order to present and don’t be later. Buzzy and I don’t want to sic Poisonwood or Montana BooBee on you,” added Liz2 sounding firm.
Everyone nodded his or her head.
The Phantom and Uncle Tony locked all of Jill’s Picture Frame Boys in the coatroom.
It was time for the show to start. The music played. Credits blared and JR and Liz2 walked up to the podium.
“Hi and welcome to the FIRST annual Satire Awards. We’ve got a great show for you but first here’s Esther who is here to tell us about our official ballots and how they were counted…” said Liz2.
Esther, looking great in a chic evening gown walked out carrying a huge briefcase.
“Hi. I’m Esther. I’m from the accounting firm for La Douché and Toilette and we counted the ballots for tonight’s show. Everything is dead on balls accurate so don’t even insinuate we screwed up ‘cos we didn’t,” said Esther.
JR and Liz2 were speechless.
“Geez, thanks Esther,” said Liz2.
Esther just smiled and walked off.
“And here to present our first award are SEW, CC The Newbie, and Robin Christopher…” said JR.
SEW, dressed in romantic Armani black had CC on one arm and RC on the other. CC was dying for a ciggie. RC and CC glared at each other as they approached the podium. All three of them squinted at the teleprompter.
“The satire was the cause of many a good chuckle this year and here are some of the past year’s best plots…” said SEW.
CC imitated RS’s Diva pout, “PC MacIntyre is named Headwriter…”
“The subliminal message podding machine…” said RC smiling.
“And Everybody Gets Some…” finished SEW. He held up the envelope and CC ripped it open.
“And the winner is….” Started CC.
“The Subliminal Message Podding Machine!” exclaimed RC.
Dim and RS walked up to the podium and accepted the award.
JFP turned to McT, “I thought that $hit sucked. They blew up my d@mn office!!”
McT just shrugged her shoulders.
JR and Liz2 introduced Amanda and David Fumero who were dishing out Worst Satire Plot. Amanda wore her best black velvet and DF told her she looked nice.
Again, they squinted at the teleprompter.
“So, ah, Dave, every so often there’s plot that just goes…tits up…” said Amanda.
“Yeah,” said DF, “It just stinks. Nominated for Worst Satire Plot are the Subliminal Message Podding Machine….”
“Botrina the Super spy…” said Amanda.
“And Jill redoes Robin and CC The Newbie’s dressing room…” said DF.
Amanda and DF tore open the envelope.
“And the winner is….Jill redoes RS and CC The Newbie’s dressing room!!” exclaimed DF and Amanda.
Jill begrudgingly went up to the podium with RS and accepted the award.
JR and Liz2 were stressing backstage. Dim was waiting to present “Best New Character” but Tim Gibbs was nowhere to be found.
“Dim,” said JR, “We’re gonna’ have to skip you and have Gina and JaCk present,” said JR.
Dim pouted, “Okay.”
“Liz2 go see if you can find Tim,” said RJ.
Gina and JaCk flirted with each other as they walked up to the Teleprompter. JaCk thought Gina was hot.
“The satire has inspired many a memorable character that is missed once their performer leaves the show…” said JaCk picking at Gina’s spaghetti straps. Gina playfully swatted his hand.
“Nominated for this year’s Most Missed Characters are Montana BooBee….” Said Gina.
“Idaho Hugo,” said JaCk.
“…and Spammy Long…” finished Gina.
Unknown to anyone in the Garden, Spammy Long sat incognito in the cheap seats.
JaCk tore open the envelope and giggled.
“Montana BooBee!!” they exclaimed.
Sonia Satra, dressed as Montana BooBee approached the podium and collected her award.
“Guys,” said BooBee, “I’m truly humbled. I loved killing rumors when I had the chance. It was fun,” sniffed BooBee. JaCk, Gina, and BooBee walked off.
JR went up to Liz2, “Did you find Tim Gibbs yet?”
“Nope. In fact, all the picture frame boys are missing,” said Liz2.
JR chuckled, “What a shame. I wonder if they decided to go shopping for the Ultimate Frame?”
“Who knows….” Said Liz2.
They went on stage and introduced Spicy George and Poisonwood Rosie.
Poisonwood pulled the ballot out of her charm bag. George looked nice in his tux.
“So Poisonwood, every show is known by its music and the satire is no exception…” started George.
“That’s right. Jill’s go the funkiest office music in soaps. Nominated for Best Office Music are “Twilight Zone….” Said EP.
“The Jeopardy theme music…” said Spicy George.
“And “Gloria” by the Doors,” said EP.
Spicy looked at Poisonwood and grinned. Poisonwood turned away and tore open the envelope.
“Twilight Zone wins as Best Office Music!!” gushed Spicy and Poisonwood.
Jill went and accepted the award on behalf on her intercom.
Erika Slezak walked up to JR and Liz2.
“Have you seen Mark Derwin? We’re next,” said ES.
“Nope,” said Liz2.
“Can you wait a bit?” asked JR.
“Sure,” said ES.
JR whispered to Liz2, “Go pay off Poisonwood and Montana BooBee to find the Picture Frame Boys.”
Liz2 walked out.
M&M Gal and James dePaiva walked out to present the award for Best Crossover.
JdP smiled at M&M Gal who melted. They looked at the teleprompter.
“This year ABC promoted crossovers with other shows and the satire was no exception,” said JdP.
“Botrina went to Oakdale and “As The World Turns,” said M&M.
“Botrina had business with Adam Chandler over on “All My Children,” said JdP.
“And Botrina met “Da Man”, Tony Geary on “General Hospital. And Best Crossover goes too…” said M&M tearing up the envelope. JdP helped her.
“Botrina goes to General Hospital!” said M&M and JdP.
Dim went to accept the award and was shocked when special guest, Tony Geary, accepted with her.
JFP, dragging on her ciggies, turned to McT, “Hey McT, I just noticed my Picture Frame Boys are missing.”
McT just shrugged her shoulders.
JR and Liz2 introduced Tim Stickney, Nathan Purdee, and Patricia Marcuei. They walked up to the podium to announce the next award.
“Believe it or not, we play characters on the show,” said NP.
“Yeah. If you’re lucky you might see us twice a month,” grinned TDS.
“We’re truly One Life To Life Classics and now we’d like to tell you who was nominated for Best Satire Classic…” added PM.
“Super Soap Satire Weekend,” said NP puffing on a stogie.
“Love & Ciggie to You Dim,” said TDS.
He waved at Dim in the audience. She waved back and held up a small box containing his birthday gift. TDS grinned.
“And May The Best Diva Win,” said PM.
“The winner is…”
All three of them tore into the envelope.
“Super Soap Satire Weekend!” they exclaimed.
Dim accepted the award.
JFP puffed on her ciggies and turned to McT, “How come Dim always gets the good stuff?”
McT said nothing as she gagged on the smoke and shrugged her shoulders.
JR and Liz2 introduced AngelaB and Kamar de los Reyes. Uncle Tony was jealous as he thought AngelaB was cute. He winked at AngelaB but alias; AngelaB was looking hard at the teleprompter and missed his wink.
“Rain or shine, snow or sun, I faithfully deliver Rog’s postcards to Flo every week…” started AngelaB.
KdlR grinned, “You can deliver a postcard to me anytime.”
“Nominated for Best Postcard from Rog is when he sends a postcard and flowers for her birthday…” started AngelaB.
“Rog tells Flo to ditch the fish,” added KdlR.
“And Rog sends flowers during her play,” said AngelaB, “And the winner is…”
“Rog tells Flo to ditch the fish…” said KdlR.
Rog and Flo got up and accepted the award.
JFP pouted and fussed to McT wondering where her Picture Frame Boys where.
Finally, Poisonwood and Montana BooBee approached JR and Liz2, “The Picture Frame Boys locked themselves in the coatroom.”
“Did you let them out?!” asked JR.
“That’s gonna’ cost you,” said Poisonwood, “I don’t come cheap. Just ask Jill. I’ll do anything for the right price.”
JR signed and pulled out a wad of 20 dollar bills.
ET walked up to JR, “Can I give out the ”Your wife is a lying b*tch award?”
JR looked puzzled.
Liz2 and JR introduced Diva Hickland and TPFKAD. Both were dressed in matching shades of pink.
“You know girls,” said Diva Hickland, “We love to gab and so do the Satire Girls…”
“Nominated for Best Satire Gossip is Don Jeffcoat…” said TPFKAD.
DJ turned to JSS and pouted, “I don’t know what Jill told them but I’m not a girl.”
“Melissa The Make-up Chick,” said Diva Hickland pouting her lips.
“And Robin Strasser…” said TPFKAD, “And the winner is…”
“Robin Strasser!” they exclaimed.
Robin was tickled pink and gleefully accepted her award.
It was Uncle Tony and The Phantom’s big moment. JR and Liz2 gave them a big ugly award to present and introduced them to the crowd. Uncle Tony was wearing his best tux and The Phantom was in Armani black. They squinted at the teleprompter.
“So here’s a special moment when a member of the Daytime Community is recognized for their lifetime achievements…” started Uncle Tony.
“Or lack thereof…” added The Phantom.
Uncle Tony grinned, “This chick won multiple Emmys for Santa Barbara and Guiding Light…”
“But Santa Barbara went tits up…” added the Phantom.
“This chick helped to revitalize Another World…” continued Uncle Tony.
“Yeah…revitalized it with Insta-lust and mega-death until it went tits up too…” added the Phantom.
“And her crowning achievement during her tenure at One Life To Live is one Emmy nod for acting last year…” said Uncle Tony.
“For a lifetime of Under Achievement Jill Farren Phelps gets the first annual satire under achievement award!” said the Phantom.
JFP turned to McT and sniffed, sincerely touched by her lifetime award. She walked up to the podium, puffing on 3 ciggies and accepted her award.
As she walked back to her seat, she stuck her away in McT’s face and gloated. McT wished there was a mirror nearby.
Finally, the Picture Frame Boys showed up.
Dim, Erika Slezak, Flo, April, Hill, Anna, & Jilly glared at them.
“You guys could freak out the dead,” deadpanned Dim.
“Where have you been?” demanded ES.
“Were you hunting down another 24K Gold Frame?” asked Hill crossing her arms.
“Hey! We got awards to present!” said JR all happy they could give out the last awards, “Flo and April, you’re on!”
Flo and April dashed out to the podium and squinted at the teleprompter.
“Hi. I’m April…”
“And I’m Flo,” said Flo.
“So Flo, got scoop?” asked April, “Does Téa finally get some?”
FL blushed, “You’ll be surprised at what Téa gets. Anyway, this year, poor John Sykes was on the receiving end of many a Dimmian Tragedy until he broke up with Téa…”
“Nominated for Best Dimmian Tragedy are…SickFlo barfs during the Téa and Sykes shower scene…” said April.
“Starr hits Sykes in the family jewels with marbles…” continued Flo.
“And Moose pops on Sykes’s rug. And the winner is…” said April.
“Moose pops on Sykes’s rug!!” exclaimed Flo and April.
John Bolger had to make sure his rug was on straight before he accepted the award. He fussed in the back stage mirror and put the show behind a minute.
JR and Liz2 introduced Anna and Jilly. Jilly and Anna sneered at KB as they walked past him up to the podium.
“Every show has a Best Dressed Man. Someone who is just plain hot and sizzle with sex appeal…” said Anna squinting at the teleprompter.
“And Jill keeps the hottest guys in picture frames on her desk. These guys have zero talent and absolutely no looks but Jill keeps shoving them down our throats…” added Jilly.
“Nominated for Best Picture Frame Boy are Tim Gibbs…” said Anna.
“Robert S. Woods…” said Jilly proudly.
“And John Bolger,” concluded Anna.
They looked at each other and on the count of 3 tore open the envelope.
“Tim Gibbs!” they exclaimed.
Tim Gibbs proudly strutted on stage like a peacock to accept his award. JFP was proud of him.
“That’s my boy!!” gushed JFP to McT.
JR and Liz2 introduced Hill, KB, and Woodsy to present the next award. Hill walked between Woodsy and KB who felt like a new confident man now that he got his mojo back.
“Everybody likes to get pampered now and then…” started Woodsy.
“But nobody gets pampered like a Diva. Nominated for Best Satire Diva are…” added Hill.
“Diva Hickland…” said KB.
Diva Hickland, sitting next to her spouse, MEK, from “All My Children,” smiled and waved to the camera.
“Diva Dano…” said Woodsy.
Diva Dano mugged for the cameras.
“And Diva Slezak…” finished Hill.
ES waved to the camera.
“And the winner is… Diva Hickland!!” exclaimed KB confidently.
For once in her life, Diva Hickland was speechless.
Dim found Tim Gibbs polishing is new award.
“C’Mon Tim… it’s time for us to give out the next award!” said Dim.
Tim grinned, “Wow – I’ll be in tomorrow’s headline for winning this award!”
Dim rolled her eyes, “Whatever.”
JR and Liz2 introduced Dim and Tim. They walked up to the podium and squinted at the teleprompter.
“Every show introduces new characters or new people playing old characters…” started Dim.
“And some succeed. Some don’t,” finished TG sticking out his chest all macho-like.
“Nominated for Best New Character are Poisonwood Rosie…” said Dim.
The camera panned to EP who jingled her charm bag.
“CC The Newbie…” said TG.
The camera panned to Charissa who smiled and waved to the camera.
“Ragweed Blair…” said Dim.
The camera panned to KdP who looked too dressed up to be a ragweed.
“And Mirror McT!” said TG.
The camera panned to McT.
“Who the f*ck is Mirror McT?!” asked JFP glaring at McT.
“And the winner is…Mirror McT!!” exclaimed Dim and Tim.
McT walked up to the podium and collected the award on the behalf of Mirror McT.
“I’ve only got one thing to say,” said McT holding up her award. She looked JFP dead on straight in the eye.
“Jill, Mirror McT ROCKS!!” said McT. She walked back to her seat and gloated to JFP. JFP pouted and dragged on her ciggies.
JR and Liz2 announced ES and MD were presenting the last award. Everyone sniffed that it was almost time to go home.
ES and MD walked out to the podium and squinted at the teleprompter. Actually ES squinted and MD sneered.
“Well Erika every show has a hot couple… a couple everyone wants to be together. A couple that has so much chemistry they’re totally combustible….” Started MD.
“Right,” deadpanned ES.
MD pouted.
“Nominated for best couple are Botrina and RJ…” said ES.
“SEW, Man-in-black and CC The Newbie,” said MD.
“Hey! They got more chemistry than you two!!” yelled an anonymous obnoxious morally bankrupt and corrupt fan from the cheap seats.
MD got pissed, “Say that to my face you…[bleep, bleep, censored, censored…]”
ES ignored them and continued, “And Poisonwood Rosie and George the Cameraman…”
“And the winner is…” said MD.
“CC The Newbie and SEW, Man-in-black!!” exclaimed ES and MD.
SEW told MD it was a shame he had no chemistry with ES as he gleefully accepted the award with CC who was in downright shock that she had won.
It was time for “DimTV” to sign off so JR and Liz2 wrapped up the show and the stars and fans partied late into the night.
NEXT:
1. RS gets in one last hurrah before she goes.
2. Mail Call with Dim and Don.
3. Mirror McT is back.
4. Poisonwood kills rumors.
5. Flo got scoop.
Get your own FREE Home Page