Get your own FREE Home PageOLTL SATIRE-PART EIGHTY TWO
Satire - Part 82 - "Jill, Did you really get Rog a 24K Gold Frame?"
This is a work of fiction. It is meant to be satirical in nature. Initially published on 23 Jan 2000. This is a Satire Classic.
WHAT HAPPENS:
1. Will Sam and the Picture Frame Boys find his mojo?
2. Find out who’s presenting what. Jill buys a dress for the occasion and takes KdP shopping with her.
3. Mirror McT give McT advice.
4. Botrina stirs the pot.
5. Flo got scoop.
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It was early in the morning. Dim and Kassie dePaiva were walking down the hall and ran into…
Robin Strasser!!
“Robin!” exclaimed Dim and Kassie.
Everyone hugged.
“CC will be so happy to see you,” grinned Dim.
Robin held up a book, “Diva In Training”.
“Newbie’s got a lot to learn in two weeks,” grinned Robin.
Just then JFP came walking down the hall puffing on three ciggies and approached Dim, Kassie and Robin.
“Kassie! Just the person I needed!! You’re going with me to pick out a dress for this award’s show.”
Kassie looked shocked, “Why me? What about Diva Hickland?”
“Diva Hickland has to get out her latest Product Queen column for SOD and she’s late,” said JFP dragging on her ciggies.
“What about Diva Dano?” questioned KdP.
“Diva Dano’s taping today over at AMC. You’re it Kassie. Remember, it’s my way or the highway,” said JFP.
KdP pouted, “Sure. Fine. Okay, Jill.”
“Goodie,” beamed JFP, “Follow me. Oh, Robin, you don’t happen to know who took Sam’s mojo, do you?”
For once, RS looked innocent, “I don’t have a clue.”
JFP pouted and motioned for KdP to follow her.
KdP walked off with JFP and RS and Dim giggled.
Meanwhile,
Outside Dim & Flo’s dressing room…
JFP’s Picture Frame Boys, RSW, TG, KB, MD and JB were standing outside Dim and Flo’s dressing room, staring at the door.
“I bet your mojo is in there Kale,” said RSW seriously.
“I ain’t going in there,” fussed KB.
“Why not?” asked MD.
“I bet they have a shrine built to Roger Howarth in that room…” added TG.
“I know Flo gets weekly postcards from Rog…” said JB fussing with his rug, “And she carries a mean watermelon.”
“I’m telling ya’ Rog and Flo are tight…” added TG.
“And you know Dim, she’s probably got a bunch of Dimmian tragedies waiting to happen once we open this door,” said JB.
“Dimmian tragedies don’t scare me none,” said MB. He boldly put his hand on the doorknob and tugged on the door.
“It’s locked,” said MD.
“Dudes – I’m no good without my mojo!!” fussed KB, “You gotta’ get my mojo back!!”
“Stop whining Kale,” said RSW.
“What are we going to do?” asked TG.
“Why don’t we stare the door down,” suggested MD.
“That’s stupid. Look, I’ll just go get my Army slim jim and jimmy the door open,” said RSW taking charge.
The Picture Frame boys walked off following RSW.
Meanwhile,
At Sak’s Fifth Avenue…
Jill walked out of the dressing room wearing a sleeveless orange gown, “What do ya’ think Kassie?” she asked puffing on her ciggies.
“Orange is faux pas Jill,” said KdP.
“You don’t like it?” asked Jill.
“But the black dress on Jill. Black is your color,” said KdP.
JFP went back into the dressing room.
Back at the studio…
Dim walked onto the Llanview Police Department set dressed in a traditional Botrina Tran Power Suit. PC, PE, JdP, MD, JSS, RSW, Hill, and KB were also there. George the Cameraman was setting up and getting an eyeful.
Dim walked up to Hill, “Ready to spout some more meaningless drivel Hill?”
“Sure, are you?” asked Hill.
“Hey, Dim, how are you doing?” asked PE grinning wickedly at Dim.
“Just fine Patty E. Botrina hasn’t lost her mojo, I assure you,” said Dim giving Patty E the secret wink.
“Now look here Markieboy – when you come in don’t get in Asa’s face – and by all means, don’t shout. I can hear you. If I can hear you, so can the cameraman, and if he can hear you the audience can too…” said PC giving MD tips.
MD pouted, “You ain’t the director old man!!”
“I’m just giving you tips boy. You’re a pup in this biz….” Continued PC.
“You’re a primadonna!!” fussed MD.
“Yeah, but I’ve been carrying this show for months now!!” shot back PC.
“Are you two fighting again?” asked JdP getting between PC & MD.
“So what?” pouted MD.
Hill and Woodsy went up to Mark, “Chill out, okay? Don’t let what Phil says bother you.”
MD scowled.
The director walked in and yelled, “Action!” The scene began.
Asa, Botrina, Renee, and Max were standing in front of Bo.
“Well, what does the evidence show?” asked Max.
“That little RappaDavidson is just like his old man – a snake!!” fussed Asa.
“Dad – C’Mon – you saw the evidence. Will did it!!” said Botrina crossing her arms.
Just then Will walked in with Sam and Nora who were his lawyers. Nora and Bo made goo-goo eyes at each other.
Will glared at Asa, hurt by his betrayal.
“You low life,” said Botrina, “You stole money from your dead baby’s foundation. Do you know how hard I work to earn that money? I swear, I’m the only who works in this town!!”
Nora got in Botrina’s face, “Can it you tuna!”
“I’m a shark and you know it Nora,” said Botrina.
“Do we need to take this out to the stables again?” asked Nora.
“Will is innocent!!” rattled Sam, “And I’m going to prove it!!”
“Great speech Sammy Boy,” said Asa, “Max, pour me some nip.”
Max poured Asa some nip.
Nora whispered to Sam, “I hope you find your mojo soon. You sound weak.”
Just then Ben burst into the police station and got in Asa’s face, “Old man, you’re gonna’ confess or else!!!” he yelled.
Asa just nodded his head in disappointment.
JdP improvised, “Or what?”
“Or this!” Ben, violent action hero that he was, punched Max. Max punched back. Bo tried to break it up but Nora and Botrina got into a catfight and the whole set began brawling.
The scene ended.
Meanwhile,
In McT’s office…
McT was busy writing scripts when she looked up into the mirror…
And Mirror McT looked back with an evil grin.
“Meg, Jill went shopping for the day. You’ve got the whole run of the place. I say you talk charge…”
“And do what?” fussed McT. She was wearing a wizard hat, “Jill’s an egomaniacal control freak.”
“Pick up that phone and call Roger Howarth. You know you want too…” gloated Mirror McT.
“Jill will KILL me,” whined McT.
“Look, just get Rog to sign for a week,” said Mirror McT, “You get Rog and Jill will have to take you seriously…”
“What if she doesn’t?” asked McT.
“I got a crowbar you can use…” said Mirror McT.
McT picked up the phone and made a phone call.
Meanwhile,
At Sak’s Fifth Avenue…
Jill walked out of her dressing again, this time wearing a sleeveless pink gown.
“What do ya’ think Kassie?” she asked puffing on her ciggies.
“Are you trying to impress Diva Hickland?” asked KdP crossing her arms.
“You don’t like it?” asked Jill.
“Put the black one on. Black is your color Jill,” said KdP again.
JFP went back into the dressing room.
Meanwhile…
In the make-up room…
The usual suspects were gathered in the make-up room.
“Hey Robin, have you see Dorian’s new man yet?” asked GT fussing with her lipstick.
“Not yet,” grinned Robin, “I hope he’s not an FOJ.”
“Don, got any hot gossip?” asked Dim.
“Phil an Mark’s fight all ready hit the scandal rags,” said DJ putting gel in his hair.
Just then, EP, dressed as Poisonwood Rosie walked in grinning from ear to ear, “Guess what!!”
“What?” asked FL.
“They ain’t killing Andy. They ain’t bringing her back but at least they ain’t killing her…” started Poisonwood.
“Who’s Andy?” asked Alyssa the Hairdresser.
“Max’s sister,” said PE.
“And here’s the good stuff…” said Poisonwood, “This stuff is HOT.”
“What is it?” asked FL.
“The show just signed Roger Howarth for a week!!” said Poisonwood.
“Oh My God!!!” said CC The Newbie, “I can’t wait to meet THE MAN.”
“I thought Jill couldn’t pay him enough?” said ET in shock.
“Man, Jill’s Picture Frame Boys are going to FREAK OUT when they hear the news,” said JSS.
Flo just smiled, overwhelmed with happiness.
Just then KdlR walked in holding up the latest SOD, “Hey guys, I made the casting news in SOD.”
Everyone ignored him.
“Hey, I heard Lindsay’s pregnant and Todd’s the father….” Said DF.
“Where did you hear that from” asked Melissa the Make-up chick.
“George the Cameraman,” said DF.
“I think it’s Bo’s…” said Poisonwood innocently.
Back at Sak’s Fifth Avenue…
Jill walked out of the dressing room wearing a red evening gown.
“What do ya’ think Kassie?” she asked puffing on her ciggies.
KdP was pissed. She looked at her watch. She had wasted the whole day with Jill helping her pick out a dress and now it was time to go get little J.Q. from the babysitter’s. Jill’s dress looked horrid on her but Jill refused to try on the elegant black dress Kassie had picked out for her.
“Jill, you look glamorous,” said Kassie sarcastically.
“I do? You mean it?” said Jill dragging on her ciggies.
“You should get it Jill,” said KdP.
“Thanks Kassie. I really appreciate all the help you’ve given me. Blair has such a sharp wardrobe!!” grinned Jill, “I just knew you I could trust you!!”
“Sure Jill,” said KdP. She was happy it was over.
Meanwhile,
Back at the studio…
RS was walking down the hall with CC The Newbie, Dim and Hill and bumped into some dude named Leigh J. McCloskey. RSW was giving him a tour of the studio.
“Hi Robin, I’ll be playing Drake,” said LJM.
Robin shook his hand and gave him the once over.
“Are you and FOJ?” asked Dim.
“What’s that?” he asked.
“Does Jill have picture of you in a frame?” asked Hill.
“I don’t think so…” said LJM.
“Good. You’ll do,” grinned Robin.
“Hey Woodsy,” said Hill, “I heard your coffee cup was getting dirty.”
Woodsy grinned, “Aw Hill…”
Hill just grinned. She did promise him she’d clean his cup.
Later on in the day,
Jill’s Office…
Jill walked into her office carrying her new dress. She lit 3 ciggies and pushed a button on her intercom. "Twilight Zone" music played.
“McT!!” she yelled, “Get up here!!”
Don and Dim walked in with the mail.
“Mail call Jill,” said Dim.
Jill dragged on her ciggies, “Give it to me straight girls,” said JFP, “Are fans excited about Kamar’s return?”
“More like apathetic,” said DJ.
Jill blew smoke in DJ’s face. DJ coughed.
“Jill you might want to send Poisonwood out to do some damage control. Phil and Mark’s backstage fighting made the rags,” said Dim.
“What? Are you kidding? No way!! I need a good scandal right now. Free press…” said JFP.
“But they can’t stand one another…” said DJ.
“Revenge is a dish best served cold,” said JFP blowing smoke.
Dim and Don rolled their eyes.
“So who’s hot?” asked JFP.
Dim and Don were quiet.
“Okay. Who’s not?” asked JFP.
“Ben and Blondie. Sam and Nora. Bo and Lindsay. Need I go on?” asked Dim.
JFP lit three more ciggies.
DJ held up a list, “Jonathan Reiner and Liz2 sent over this list of who’s presenting what at the show Jill.”
“So, who’s presenting?” asked JFP.
“SEW, CC The Newbie and RC are presenting Best Satire Plot, George the Cameraman and Poisonwood Rosie are presenting Best Office Music, Jilly and Anna are presenting Best Picture Frame Boy, The Phantom and Uncle Tony are presenting a special undisclosed Award, TPFKAD and Diva Hickland are presenting best gossip, April and Flo are presenting Best Dimmian Tragedy, Amanda and David Fumero are presenting Worst Satire Plot, AngelaB and Kamar de los Reyes are presenting Best Postcard from Rog, Tim Stickney, Nathan Purdee, and Patricia Maurici are presenting Best Satire Classic, Gina and JaCk are presenting Most Missed Character, Dim and Tim Gibbs are presenting Best New Character, and Mark Derwin and Erika Slezak are presenting Best couple.”
“Ummm, I wonder what the special undisclosed award is all about?” said JFP writing notes on her snicker’s wrappers.
Just then McT walked in reading a crowbar catalog.
“By the way Jill,” I heard the show got Rog back for a week. Congrats!” grinned Dim, “You finally did something right.”
“WHAT?” said JFP freaking out, “I didn’t do that!!!” JFP gave McT the evil eye.
“Blame it on the Mirror!” said McT.
“Jill, chill out,” said Dim, “Just think – ratings will skyrocket.”
“They will?” said Jill blowing smoke.
“This will get rid of the apathy on the internet message boards…” added DJ.
“Seriously?” said JFP blowing more smoke.
“And demos will go up,” finished Dim.
Jill grinned, “Well, I take full credit for brining back such a fan favorite actor…”
McT pouted and looked in the mirror.
“Put that crowbar to good use Meg…” said Mirror McT.
McT freaked and ran out of the room.
Just then picture frame boys walked in.
“Jill, I can’t believe you got Rog back!” fussed JB, “I thought I was your one and only matinee idol!!”
“Rog will hog all the airtime!!” fussed KB.
“Jill, did you really get Rog a 24K gold frame?!” pouted TG.
“And Todd knocked up Lindsay…” fussed RSW.
“What made you do it!!!!” screamed MD.
“I thought you couldn’t pay him enough?” cried KB.
“Chill out boys. It’s just for a week. You’re still my Picture Frame Boys…” said JFP blowing more smoke.
The picture frame boys pouted and fussed.
“Now go out there and get that missing mojo!!” instructed Jill.
The picture frame boys left.
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It was evening and Dim and Flo were hanging out in their dressing room with TDS, EP and JSS.
Dim was doing a happy dance.
“So Flo, got scoop?” asked TDS.
“I’ve leaving with Rog,” said Flo.
“Is Lindsay really pregnant with Todd’s baby?” asked JSS seriously.
“No,” said EP.
AngelaB, the trusty and dependable UPS girl knocked on the door.
“Hey Flo, you got special postcard from Rog this week,” said AngelaB.
Flo smiled and read, “Dear Flo, Fire up the engines – I’m back. Can’t wait to see you even if it is for a week. Since it’s so short can I hang out in your dressing room. Jill gave my old room to Mark. Thanks, Rog. See ya’ soon Flo.”
“See ya’ soon Rog,” said FL.
NEXT:
1. Attend the FIRST annual Satire Awards!!
2. Sam finds his mojo.
3. The Phantom and Uncle Tony sabotage the Picture Frame Boys.
4. JFP gets a special award.
5. Flo got scoop.
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