Satire - Part 79 - "The Mirror Made Me Do It!"

This is a work of fiction. It is meant to be satirical in nature. Initially published on 31 Dec 1999. This is a Satire Classic.

WHAT HAPPENS:
1. The OLTL Holiday bash!

*******************************************************************************************************

Today, Dim had to tape some scenes and then she was going to attend the OLTL holiday party later on that night with her sweetie, JSS.

She sniffled as she walked into her dressing room, sad that Flo was leaving the show. Dim was holding a gift for Flo since it was Flo’s birthday. Flo was gabbing with Poisonwood Rosie.

“Hey Dim,” grinned Flo.

“Hey Flo. I got you a gift since it was your birthday,” grinned Dim.

“I got Flo some chicken bones so she could put a curse on GodJilla once she left the show,” said Poisonwood proudly.

Flo just grinned, “Cool – did you get me another candle Dim?”

Dim shook her head no and handed Flo her big, honking gift. Flo tore it open only to reveal… a bag of watermelon sour drops.

“Oh Dim!! My Favorite!!” gushed Flo.

Just then, Jules, Flo’s personal assistant showed up with a bunch of flowers, a well-written TnT story written by Cabbie, and a personally autographed birthday card. Flo was touched and passed out hugs for everyone. After Flo passed out hugs it was time for Dim to get ready to go to work.

*******************************************************************************************************

Dim walked onto Asa’s living room dressed in a “Botrina Tran” power suit. KdP, RC, JdP, PE, and PC were all ready there. George the Cameraman was ready to roll tape. KdP looked sharp in her new wardrobe. She was proud of the fact that SOD had voted her “Most Improved Wardrobe.”

Dim whispered to KdP, “Can you believe Jill is making us work on the day of the OLTL holiday party?”

KdP nodded her head, “Well, you notice no FOJ’s are here.”

“Despicable, isn’t it?” said JdP fixing his turban on his head.

The director walked in and yelled, ‘Action!’. The scene began.

Skye stood in front of all the Buchanans, looking mean and holding her head up high. Her arms were crossed and she looked tough.

“Skye, you’re a loser,” said Blair.

“And you stink,” added Botrina saying her token line.

“I think you’re cute,” said Max sounding stupid.

“Skye, I’ve had it with you blackmailing this family!!” spat Asa dragging on his stogie.

“When we get done with you Skye you won’t even be able to afford a room at the Palace,” grinned Renee.

Skye just stood there looking defiant.

“Don’t you have anything to say for yourself you two-bit hustler?” prodded Asa.

“I’m pregnant and Max is the father,” said Skye.

Everyone looked shocked. Including Max.

Botrina rolled up her sleeves, p.o’d at the horrible accusation toward a family member. Blair rolled up her sleeves too. They looked at each other, counted to three and pounced on an unspecting Skye while Asa and Renee cheered them on.

The scene ended.

Dim looked at KdP and RC, “Boy that scene was stupid.”

“It was senseless,” said KdP.

“Insipid, even,” added RC standing up and brushing herself off.

“Jill enjoys a good cat fight,” added JdP.

“You know, this show really stinks,” added Dim.

“Kassie and I are taking bets on how soon we’ll be cancelled,” added JdP.

“Gimme five bucks for the end of Feb. sweeps,” grinned Dim.

KdP calculated the odds while JdP collected the money.

************************************************************************************************************

Dim and JSS, her date, walked into the fancy NY Restaurant that was hosting the OLTL holiday party. It was decorated in festive reds and greens and New Year’s decorations. Everyone was wearing Santa hats – including JFP. All the guys were hovering around the punch bowl and all the girls were hanging out around the Christmas tree.

RH was there ‘cos Angela Shapiro told JFP to invite him. They were trying to get him to come back to the show. All the Picture Frame Boys had brought their frames from JFP’s office and used them to decorate JFP’s Christmas tree. JFP had even brought her mirror from her office and put it up next to her shrine to Diva Dano so her matinee idol could check himself out. Diva Dano was in attendance she was going to give away some fashion accessories later on in the night. Megan McTavish, the show’s head writer, showed up with her pen, pencils, and writing pads in tow, so she could write more tripe. Kamar de los Reyes showed up too but he didn’t recognize anyone from the last time he was on the show. Poisonwood Rosie showed up dressed in the latest VooDoo fashions from New Orleans. SEW, dressed in romantic black, escorted CC The Newbie to the shindig. JB leered at CC but SEW nipped that $hit in the bud by threatening to endanger his “rug” if he didn’t cut it out. Robin Strasser convinced Stephen Markle to show up. Jill didn’t like that too much.

Finally JFP, dragging on three ciggies, wearing a Santa Hat embroidered with her name on it, stood up on a table. She motioned to McT who blew a whistle, getting everyone’s attention.

“All right Everyone, I just want to thank you all for coming to this bash – especially all my friends,” started JFP, “We made a great year of television and the show has never been more successful in it’s 30 year run…”

Dim, dressed as the good Christmas elf, turned to FL, KdP, GT, RS, Hill, and CC The Newbie, “Mighty big of her to thank us.”

“Well, I think 1994 was a banner year for the show,” said Hill.

“Kale, Tim, John, I want you to pass out my special 2000 calendar edition of my Picture Frame Boys…” continued JFP.

They passed out Jill’s calendars.

Only CC The Newbie dared to open up her calendar. She turned to June. John Bolger was Mr. June and he was nekkid from the belly button on up showing off his manly man-breasts.

Dim gagged.

RS flushed a toilet.

KdP puked.

GT ralphed.

SEW saved the day and took the calendar from CC and set it on fire.

“Oh Jill… Your gift is the best,” gushed Diva Dano, “John Bolger is soooo handsome.”

“Thank you Diva. 2000 is gonna’ be our year! I promise to majorly suck up to all the rags and bring home the Emmys and if you don’t vote my way for the Emmys it’s the highway for you!!” continued Jill.

RH looked at FL and rolled his eyes.

“Say Rog, I hear you might sign with another show,” said DJ in full gossip mode as they hung out by the punch bowl.

“I might,” said RH with a devilish grin.

“It’s a shame you’ve been unemployed for close to a year now Rog. I really hope from the bottom of my heart you find a job…” said John Bolger walking up behind Rog and patting him on the back.

“And how many Emmys have you even been nominated for?” asked RH sarcastically.

“All right now, no fighting. I consider you all Picture Frame Boys in my heart…McT…it’s time for the holiday cake!!” said JFP dragging on her ciggies.

McT snapped her fingers and inadventrly looked in the mirror, only to discover…

Mirror McT staring wearing a Santa hat and a mischievous grin, “Meg, when you get your cake you should shove it in Jill’s face…”

McT bugged out.

Diva Hickland and RSW rolled out a huge cake that was covered in pink frosting. Diva Dano pouted ‘cos it wasn’t purple.

“I want everyone to enjoy the cake because Diva Hickland went out of her way to make this cake…” continued Jill.

Diva Hickland whispered to RSW, “I had it catered from Cakes-R-Us.” RSW helped to cut the cake and pass out the delicious pastry.

“Flo! Hey! I remember you!” said KdlR walking up to her, “It’s good to see familiar face. I don’t know a soul.

Flo sighed, “Sorry Kamar, I’m taping my final scenes in the next few weeks.”

As Rog was walking up to the girls, Tim Gibbs stopped him as he was shoveling Diva Hickland’s cake into his mouth, “Rog, I heard you were doing a playboy layout…” He flexed his biceps.

Rog laughed in his face and walked off.

“At least I’d buy that issue…” whispered Dim to CC The Newbie. CC said she would too.

Mark Derwin and Erika Slezak helped to pass out JFP’s homemade grog. Dim almost gagged on it. No one drank it, preferring instead to drink Tim Stickney’s spiked Egg Nog.

“Hi Flo,” said Rog walking up to her and the girls.

“Hi Rog,” said Flo.

He gave a postcard with a little smiley face on it.

“How’s Chris?” he asked smiling.

“Good. We did all my favorite things on my birthday,” she beamed, “How’s Cari?”

“Great,” grinned Rog.

JFP got everyone’s attention by blowing McT’s whistle, “And now it’s time to pass out gifts,” she paused and held up her gift, “Where’s Wortham Krimmer?”

WK, who was hanging out with NP, CTJ, and TDS held up his hand, “Ah, Jill…I’m here.”

“Here McT…give this to Wortham,” said JFP.

McT felt like a bondafide gopher and looked in the mirror.

“Just smack Jill upside the head…and blame it on the Grinch…” goaded Mirror McT.

“Ah, you can call me Bob,” said WK.

McT gave him the gift and went back to JFP and smacked her upside the head.

JFP was shocked, “McT, where’s your Christmas spirit? Why did you hit me?” fussed JFP dragging on her ciggies and re-arranging her Santa hat.

“The mirror made me do it,” grinned McT.

WK held up his gift. It was a CD of Mark Antony. WK looked overwhelmed, “I never heard of this dude.”

“He’s my favorite,” grinned JFP, “Tim recommended him.”

Kassie de Paiva sang a Christmas tune for the party. Jill made Diva Hickland chime in since KdP wasn’t an FOJ and everyone boogied to “Jingle Bell Rock.”

Finally it was time to pass out the Christmas gifts. Phil Carey and CC The Newbie were picked to be the party Santas and passed out the gifts.

Little Kristen Alderson got Jill a fresh pack of snicker’s wrappers. JFP was disappointed. She wanted ciggies.

Flo got John Bolger a new rug.

Kale Brown, who had picked PM’s name in the Christmas hat couldn’t find her anywhere.

“Dim, Robin, have you guys seen Patty M?” asked KB with concern, “I’ve got to give her gift to her in person.”

They were all hanging out around the cake, listening to Diva Hickland and Diva Dano pass out free fashion tips. Diva Dano was giving away a free 14K gold fashion accessory leaf and everyone was trying to win it.

“Jill probably forgot to let her out of the diner…” said RS, “You know how Carlotta never leaves the diner.”

RSW got Hill a deluxe package of 100 % medicated chapstick guarantied to repulse every germ known to man. Hill was touched and promised to wash Woodsy’s coffee cup for him.

Kale Brown went up to Jill and convinced her to give up the key to Carlotta’s diner. Jill was getting tanked on Tim Stickney’s Spicy Egg Nog that was spiked with “Feel-Good-Brandy” which he was passing out.

Poisonwood gave Jessica the Rebel a new Rebel jacket.

Phil Carey got DF a new shirt.

The dePaivas gave ES and MD matching fuzzy dice that said “Ben” and “Blondie”.

NP, TDS, and CTJ sneakily made off with the dice and used them on the “Flavor of the Week” dartboard that NP carried everywhere with him.

Hill gave Rog a Christmas hug and told him she missed him and the good ‘ol days.

George the Cameraman, Alyssa the Hairdresser, and Melissa the Make-up Chick told RH they missed him too.

KdlR walked up to DF, “Do I know you?”

Kale Brown walked in with PM who was happy to be let out of diner.

Kaffy Sue, Jilly, Anna, and Bo & Nora Fan got Hill a new supply of toilet flushers and a deluxe supply of acrylic nails for “Nora’s” next catfight with “Lindsay.”

Just as KB was about to give PM her Christmas gift, Jilly & Anna spotted him and began to chase him with toilet flushers.

PM pouted. All she wanted was her Christmas gift.

“At least Jill didn’t have you passing out flan this year,” said PE trying to cheer her up.

To his horror, Don Jeffcoat found himself under the mistletoe with JFP and was forced to kiss her with a ciggie hanging out of her mouth. Hill let him borrow some chapstick and Gina helped to clean him up.

George the Cameraman enlisted JSS and DF’s help to get Poisonwood under the mistletoe.

Kelly brought Flo “Todd’s” key.

“Where did you find that?” asked Flo with a mischievous grin.

KB gave Jilly and Anna the slip and caught up with PM who was gabbing with PE and sipping Tim Stickney’s Egg Nog.

“I got your gift Patty,” grinned Patty.

PM foamed at the mouth, “Is it a man?”

“Better!! An all expense paid carriage ride in Central Park…”

PM jumped up and down, “Goodie! With…?”

“With me. I’m your man for Christmas Patty!!” said KB licking his lips. PM laughed, turned around and walked off.

JFP, half tanked walked up to a sad looking KB, “Who let Carlotta outta’ the diner?”

JSS and DF walked up to Poisonwood and began to distract her while George walked under the mistletoe. The dePaivas took bets to see if George would get lucky.

Louise gave Flo a warm hug and a wish for a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Flo returned her hug.

M&M Gal passed Hershey hugs from Candyland to all her favorites – Dim, JdP, CC The Newbie and Flo. JdP was touched to such a fan in M&M.

April showed up to the party late. She was buds with George from the Super Soap Satire weekend and began gabbing with him under the mistletoe. George explained he was waiting for Poisonwood so April left him alone and after wading through the Picture Frame boys who were talking about who had the best month on JFP’s calendar and Diva Dano’s fashion give away, she was finally able to give Flo an autographed copy of “One Hundred Years of Solitude” by Gabriel Garcia Martinez. Flo was touched by all the love in the room.

SEW and CC The Newbie shared a romantic dance and John Bolger fumed in the corner as he watched.

KdlR walked up to the Picture Frame Boys, “Hey, do I know you guys?”

JB, TG, KB, and MD looked him over like fresh meant.

“Damn!! Now I’ve got even more competition!!” fussed Tim Gibbs.

Anna, frustrated that KB gave her the slip, found Hill who was hanging out with Dim, RS, and RH and gave her a little plastic fish with a Santa hat. RSW came walking up and Anna gave him a headband with Reindeer antlers on it. Woodsy liked Anna’s sense of humor. RSW and Hill were so touched, they danced a tango for the fans.

Jealous Jill tried to dance a tango with KB but kept stepping on his feet.

Finally JSS and DF had poked and prodded enough and got Poisonwood under the mistletoe and George the Cameraman stole a kiss from Poisonwood’s lips. While Poisonwood was pleasantly surprised, her boyfriend showed up and chased after George, vowing to kick his a$$ for kissing his girl.

Dim and JSS celebrated their one year anniversary with a mistletoe kiss after everyone chanted, “Kiss her you fool!”

Liz2 and JR from TV Guide crashed the party. While JR was hanging with Dim, Liz2 was working her nasty notepad.

“So Flo, got any plans when you leave this show?” asked Liz2.

“Lots of auditions,” grinned Flo.

“What about you Robin?” asked Liz2 taking a note.

Robin Strasser just beamed, “Well, I was planning on doing another show…” she hinted.

As the party continued late into the night, Jill got tanked on Tim Stickney’s Egg Nog and Mirror McT took over.

NEXT:
1. Someone tries to run down Botrina and RJ. (Can it get any stupider?)
2. Jill picks a new victim to help Dim with mail call.
3. Kamar films his first scenes and JB is jealous that there’s a new matinee idol in the house.
4. Flo got scoop.

This page hosted by Get your own FREE Home Page