Satire - Part 78 - "Carlotta wants a man for Christmas!"

This is a work of fiction. It is meant to be satirical in nature. Initially published on 18 Dec 1999. This is a Satire Classic.

WHAT HAPPENS:
1. McT’s leash arrives and she unveils a new character, “Mirror McT.”
2. Diva Dano gets wind of Diva Hickland’s remodeling.
3. Mail call is back!! Dim demands a storyline.
4. The cast and crew pick names for the upcoming Christmas party.
5. PE is robbed!!
6. Flo got scoop.

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Dim and RS walked into Jill’s office carrying the mail. It was Robin’s last week doing the mail with Dim.

JFP sat behind her desk, puffing on 3 ciggies and playing with her intercom. She finally decided on “Jeopardy” music. Her picture frame boys adorned her desk and she was surrounded by the “10 Rules of Good Soap Opera by Douglas Marland” wallpaper. On the wall in back of her next to Diva Dano’s life-sized framed pic, Jill had a put in a mirror for her matinee idol, John Bolger.

Megan McTavish, the show’s new Headwriter and word momma, stood next to Jill with a pad of paper and a pencil, ready to take notes.

Dim and Robin threw the mailbags on JFP’s desk and looked at her with disgust.

JFP stood up and puffed on her ciggies, blowing smoke into their faces, “Give it to me straight girls.”

Robin just grinned, “Jill, demos took a dangerous dip and the ratings are down to a 3.3.”

Jill looked at McT, “Don’t worry McT. Next week is Christmas. Everyone will be home, eating turkey and tuning in.”

“Whatever you say Jill,” muttered McT. McT glanced in the mirror and saw her alter ego, “Mirror McT”. Mirror McT looked a lot like Robin Mattson, who played “Janet Green” on AMC. McT rubbed her eyes.

“Soap Opera Digest named that “Timmy” dude from Passions performer of the week…” continued Dim.

“So? What’s your point?” said JFP puffing her ciggies with one hand while she put her other hand on her hip.

“Patricia Elliot has been turning in some fine performances! She was robbed Jill!!” said RS stating the obvious.

JFP just rolled her eyes.

“Go ahead McT – do it – smack Jill upside the head…” said Mirror McT.

McT looked in the mirror and her eyes bugged out.

“Whatever. Look, I’ll suck to Mimi over there at that other rag and she’ll drop a good line for Patty E over there,” said Jill who turned to McT, “Take a note McT – send Mimi a block of our best “FromUnder” cheese.”

McT took a note trying to shake off “Mirror McT.”

“Tell Jill to screw herself and make one of her picture frame boys do it Meg!! You’re not Jill’s patsy anymore!! You’re the HEADWRITER of this show now!!” said “Mirror McT.”

“McT, you all right? You look pale,” said Dim.

“I’m fine,” muttered McT.

“By the way McT, your leash just arrived,” said Dim holding up McT’s fashion diamond leash.

JFP got suspicious, “What’s the leash for McT?” she said blowing ciggie smoke in McT’s face.

“I do own a couple of dogs you know,” said McT trying to avoid looking in the mirror as she took the leash from Dim.

Robin held up a package, “By the way Jill, this came from you.”

Jill took it and looked at it. It was ticking.

“What is it? A bomb?” asked Jill.

RS and Dim just shrugged their shoulders.

“I’ll make Tim Gibbs open it,” said JFP.

Dim held up a handful of postcards, “To you Jill from Unit12.”

JFP frowned and pointed to a pile in the corner, “Stick ‘em over there and maybe I’ll get around to reading them.”

“SOD just came out with their best/worst issue Jill…” started RS.

“Did my matinee idol get a mention?” asked JFP lighting up some more ciggies.

“Nope. In fact, none of your picture frame boys got mentioned,” said Dim.

Jill pouted.

“Go ahead McT…now’s your change…put JillZilla in that leash…” goaded “Mirror McT.”

McT rubbed her eyes again. Her palms got sweaty.

“But,” said Robin, “SOD voted our very own Dim Best dressed in 1999 due to her stylish power suits…” said Robin proudly.

“And Kassie dePaiva took most improved wardrobe,” added Dim.

“RSW’s coffee cup was voted best supporting coffee cup in a daytime drama…” continued RS.

“And PC MacIntyre won as the year’s most original storyline…” continued Dim.

“Whoopee Do…” said JFP with a lack of enthusiasm. She held up her finger and twirled it around.

“Look Jill, here’s the bottom line up front,” fussed Dim getting serious, “With Flo and Robin leaving you NEED me to stick around so either you give “Botrina” a storyline and stop feeding me this recycled crud or I walk!”

JFP looked shocked.

“You’re a chicken shit…Meg…Stick it to Jill – get her back for making you suck up to her…” goaded “Mirror McT” again.

McT, totally freaked out, thinking this stuff only happened to “Janet From Another Planet” rushed out of the room, afraid she was losing her marbles.

“McT!! Where are you going?! Get back in here!! I ain’t done with you yet!!” said Jill chasing after McT.

Dim and Robin just giggled.

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Later on that day…

The cast and crew gathered around the coffee pot on the set to pick names for the Christmas gift exchange. Dim, FL, Hill, RS and CC The Newbie were comparing mugs. The picture frame boys, RSW, TG, MD, KB, and JB were standing next to Jill, sucking up to her. The dePaivas looked bored. WK, and PM were there on a rare tape day and were hanging with NP and CTJ. GT, DJ, Poisonwood Rosie, and ET were hanging with Alyssa the Hairdresser and Melissa the Makeup Chick. DF and flirting with PE while PC looked on. Diva Hickland was checking out the latest Pink catalog from “Pink-R-Us.” Little Kristen Alderson was looking for the attic. ES and RC were exchanging FOJ jokes.

Jill stood up on a chair showing complete disregard for the furniture. Kale Brown was prestigiously holding the hat with everyone’s names in it.

Jill clapped her hands and got everyone’s attention. It got quiet. “Okay, everyone!! It’s been a happy and fun year and you’ve all worked hard…” started Jill.

KdP looked at JdP and gave him a “Blairian” eyeroll.

“Fun my a$$…” whispered Dim to Flo. Flo just chuckled.

“…so next week’s our big holiday party. It’s time to pat ourselves on the back for a job well done…” continued Jill, “And vote MY way for Emmy nominations or it’s the HIGHWAY for you…”

TG, KB, JB, MD, and RSW all patted each other on the back.

DF patted PE on the back since no one else would.

“…and whoever gets my name, I want Ciggies and lots of ‘em!!” said Jill, “And I’ll pull the first name.”

Kale Brown held up the hat.

Robin whispered to CC The Newbie, “I’ve never felt so apathic in my life.”

CC nodded her head in agreement and puffed her ciggie.

The cast and crew looked at Jill in anticipation hoping and praying Jill wouldn’t pick them.

Jill stuck her hand in the hat and pulled out a name. She looked confused.

“Well, who is it Jill?” asked Dim crossing her arms.

“Who is Wortham Krimmer?” asked Jill dumbfounded.

WK, who was standing next to NP looked hurt. NP pointed to WK.

Jill still didn’t recognize him, “So what do ya’ want for Christmas Wortham?” asked Jill lighting another set of 3 ciggies.

WK deviously chuckled, “Another EP.”

“What? A new CD?” asked Jill picking the wax out of her ear.

Tim Gibbs picked a name, “Robin Christopher,” he said.

RC frowned, “I’ll take a case of Perrier water,”

RC picked a name, “Don Jeffcoat.”

DJ looked excited. He stood next to GT and bubbled, “I want a good book so I have something to read between my lines on the show.”

Flo picked John Bolger’s name.

John Bolger looked so disappointed, hoping CC The Newbie would have picked his name.

“Just don’t get me grapefruit Flo,” said JB.

Flo bit her lip.

“HICKLAND!!” yelled Diva Dano, prancing onto the set, “I’ve just seen our dressing room and boy am I steamed!!”

Diva Hickland just grinned, “Think Pink.”

“Why you…” fussed Diva Dano.

“Dano, I need some more pink towels for Christmas,” grinned Diva Hickland.

Diva Dano just deviously smiled, “Oh, I’ll get you the best PINK gift I can find.”

PM picked a name. She got Kale Brown. Surprisingly, Kale Brown got her name too.

“So Patty M, what do you want for Christmas?” asked KB.

“Carlotta wants a man for Christmas,” grinned PM.

“I’ll talk to Jill,” said KB.

JdP and KdP pulled ES and MD’s names.

ES clung to MD, “We’ll take matching Ben and Blondie mugs…” gushed ES.

JdP giggled, “You know, Kassie and I could give you guys some chemistry lessons…”

MD pouted, “Hey! I got plenty of that!!”

RSW pulled Hill’s name. Hill insisted RSW get her the most expensive box of chapstick he could find.

Dim pulled Tim Gibb’s name. Tim wanted Dim to get him a membership at the local gym but Dim had other ideas – like a tube of visine.

Poisonwood Rosie got Jessica The Rebel.

Little Kristen Alderson got JFP’s name.

McT pulled out CC The Newbie’s name. Phil Carey got David Fumero’s name.

“So young stud, what do you want for Christmas,” said PC taking a sip of his nip and dragging on his stogie.

“A shirt,” deadpanned DF.

Jill gave DF a look of disapproval.

“I got Flo!!” exclaimed JSS, “What do you want for Christmas Flo?”

Flo just grinned, “Todd.”

“Don’t we all?” asked Dim.

“So, Flo,” said Poisonwood Rosie, “Got scoop?”

“Téa misses Todd,” teased FL.

“Get over it,” muttered Jill as she came up from behind and stuck her head between Poisonwood and Flo.

Just then, AngelaB, the trusty and dependable TV Guide scoops and previews UPS girl walked up with a postcard for Flo. Flo read.

“There’s no getting over the Todd phenomenon. Merry Christmas Flo. Rog. P.S. I miss you too Flo.”

“I miss you too Rog,” said Flo.

NEXT:
The OLTL Holiday party!!

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