Satire - Part 77 - "Let's make some trend setting television!!"

This is a work of fiction. It is meant to be satirical in nature. Initially published on 12 Dec 1999.

WHAT HAPPENS:
1. McT buys a leash.
2. Flo and RS give an exit interview.
3. Diva Hickland redecorates her dressing room.
4. Diva Dano films a dream sequence with JFP’s matinee idol.
5. Flo got scoop.

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It was early in the morning. Robin Strasser and CC The Newbie were waltzing down the studio halls when they came across Megan McTavish, the new Headwriter of the show. A dull pencil stuck out from behind her ear and she wore a shirt saying “OLTL Word Momma”.

“McT!” exclaimed Robin, “I’ve been doing some research and got a special catalog filled with leashes for you.”

McT eyes flashed a devious “Mirror Janet” look, “I was hoping you’d come through for me.”

“Newbie!” said Robin snapping her fingers.

CC The Newbie dragged on her ciggie and held up a pet catalog. Robin took the catalog and began showing McT various leashes. There was a limited length leash, which only went so far. A leash with a choker, which Robin pointed out, could be adorned with fashion diamonds. Robin showed McT leather leashes, bungee leashes, and rope leashes. Finally, McT saw the leash she wanted. It was a short leash with a spiked chain choker.

“Can I get the fashion diamonds too?” asked McT.

Robin grinned, “You sure can,” she handed McT an order form, “Just fill this out and give it to my executive assistant.”

“Who’s that?” asked McT.

CC grinned and flashed McT a smile while puffing on her ciggie.

“Charissa is a Diva in training and is taking care of all my stuff while I go out to Cali for a few weeks,” explained Robin.

McT took the order form and walked off.

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Dim walked onto the hospital boardroom set dressed in a “Botrina Tran” power suit. PC, PE, KdP, and RSW were all ready there. On the ledge were TG and JdP.

“This is senseless,” muttered Dim to PC, “Botrina has better things to do!!” Dim was getting sick of saying the same old drivel everyday.

PE just chuckled, “Hey, I’m not complaining! This is the most stuff I had to do in over a year.”

Just then the director walked in and yelled, “Action!” The scene began. Kevin and Max were on the ledge. Blair, Asa, and Renee were frantic. Bo seemed ambivalent.

“So what happens now with those two losers on the ledge?” asked Botrina crossing her arms looking at Asa, “I thought this was a board meeting..!!”

“Trust a RappaDavidson to make a mess,” fussed Asa, “Don’t worry G.D., Bo will get your uncle down.”

Renee pulled out Asa’s nip, shot glass, and poured herself a nip, slamming it down. Asa’s eyes bugged out.

“Why’d you take my nip Renee?” asked Asa.

“I’m just a whiney, snively, wreck over Max…” fussed Renee.

Blair grabbed the nip out Renee’s hand, had a shot and passed it around.

“Oh Max…” pleaded and whined Blair, “Come down off the ledge. I love you!!”

Blair’s whining and sniveling did no good. Max stayed on the ledge.

Bo looked out the window, “You two are behaving like babies!”

“So what if we are?” yelled Dark Kevin, “Wanna’ drink?”

Botrina stuck her head out the window too, next to Bo’s, “You’re pathetic Kevin!! You didn’t get this sappy or hinkey over Cassie when she left. You never cease to amaze me – grieving over some chick you only knew for 3 months…she musta’ been one hot piece of a$$.”

“Botrina!” admonished Bo, “That’s enough! Kevin loved Grace.”

“Whatever,” said Botrina, “Who are you anyway? You must be some pod person or something. Tell me, what have you done with the real Bo Buchanan?”

Bo got firm, “You aren’t helping Botrina.”

Botrina looked past Bo, “Jump Kevin, Jump! Take Max with you. Put us all out of our misery. I’ll even push you if you want!!”

Kevin sneered at Botrina and with his last breath jumped off the ledge and took Max with him. Botrina looked down out the window.

“Damn! Kevin landed on an airbag!!” she fussed.

Just then, Cris Vega walked into the hospital boardroom with his shirt untucked and unbuttoned carring a set of tools. Renee drooled but everyone else looked confused.

“What are you doing here Cris?” asked Bo, “Lose your mind too?”

Cris flashed Renee a sexy grin, “I’m here to fix Mrs. Buchanan’s refrigerator.”

The scene ended.

Dim looked at PC, “Let me guess – we needed a gratuitous skin scene somewhere in today’s show.”

KdP crossed her arms, “You know Jill…her philosophy is if you show enough skin no one will care if the rest of the show stinks.”

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Later on, that afternoon…

Diva Hickland walked down the OLTL halls with an interior design crew following her. As soon as she opened her dressing room door, her design crew went to work, transforming the room into a shrine to the color pink. Diva Hickland figured that with Diva Dano on “All My Children” now, she could redo her room. Diva Hickland had the crew paint her mini-frig pink, paint the walls pink and even painted Diva Dano’s picture frames pink.

Dim, who was walking down the hall with TG, stuck her head in the doorway. They were taping a scene today.

“Diva, what in blue blazes are you doing?!” exclaimed Dim.

Diva Hickland grinned, “It’s pink blazes to you. My dressing room needed a make over. It was too frumpy.”

“Diva Dano will be pi$$ed,” said GT.

“Diva Dano won’t notice…” said Diva Hickland, “She’s on AMC now.”

“If I were you, I’d watch out. Diva Dano is here today taping a scene with John Bolger…” said Dim, “They’ve got to film a dream sequence today where Sykes dreams about Rae.”

Diva Hickland freaked out but it was too late. The whole dressing room was pink. Even the doorknobs. She had to prevent Diva Dano from seeing the dressing room.

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Meanwhile, on the set…

JFP was in full egomaniacal control freak mode and was hovering over George the Cameraman telling him how to do his job. JB and Diva Dano were in the middle of the set, which was Sykes’s apartment. They were shooting a scene where Sykes dreams about kissing Rae. KB, and TG were also hovering around Jill. It was an open set because JFP wanted to show off her matinee idol and all her FOJ’s wanted to make sure they got quality cheese time with Jill. Diva Dano was dressed in nothing but silk bed sheets and JB was showing off his nekkid man-breasts. Alyssa the Hairdresser was helping JB put on his rug.

“C’Mon everybody!” fussed Jill, dragging on three ciggies, “Let’s make some trend setting television, here!! This is going to be the HOTEST sex scene yet on daytime tv!!”

Diva Dano fussed, “Jill – I haven’t done a love scene let alone kissed a co-star in over two years!! I’m nervous!!”

“Chill out Diva. The fans love Sykes and Rae. You guys have undeniable smoldering desire,” said JFP.

The sound of a flushing toilet could be heard in the background.

“Maybe I should wait in my dressing room…” said Diva Dano.

“Nope!” said JFP, “We’re ready to tape!!"

TG pouted, “But Jill, I thought Sykes was only going to kiss Rae!! Now he’s making love to her?! I’m jealous!! You’re always giving him the HOT, steamy love scenes!!”

Jill grinned, “Go work out at the gym. John’s got the chest for this – you don’t. Besides, McT won’t mind if I change her script around a bit.”

Dim and Gina walked onto the set as they were passing through to get to the makeup room and almost gagged.

KB stood next to George the Cameraman and slugged back some coffee, “Say, where’s Mark?”

George picked his nose and rubbed the bugger on KB.

“On vacation. Mark’s worked hard this year,” said JFP.

“He has?” whispered Dim to Gina, “What Emmy nominating performance has he turned in this year?”

Gina just shrugged her shoulders.

“Now Diva, think sultry…” said Jill.

Diva Dano made a face as a half-nekkid JB intimately embraced her. His shirt was unbuttoned and untucked, draping off his shoulders.

“Think sexy…” added TG.

“Think slinky…” added KB.

“And…action!” yelled Jill.

Sykes and Rae kissed passionately.

“You are my hottest fantasy…John Sykes…” muttered Rae through the passion.

Sykes fondled Rae’s…a…neck with his lips, gasping for breath. Rae rubbed his man-breasts. The scene was typical in-your-face “Phelpsian” smut.

Dim whispered to Gina, “Why isn’t this a closed set?”

“You know Jill…she loves to show off…” muttered Gina.

As Dim and Gina walked out, Jonathan Reiner from TV guide and his assistant Liz2 with her Nasty Notepad walked through on their way to interview FL and Robin. Sykes and Rae continued to make out as JFP played sexy music in the background.

“You two are going to be a super couple!! I can see it now – Todd & Téa!! Luke & Laura!! John & Rae!!” gushed JFP dragging on her ciggie.

“Nora and Sam!!” added KB.

“Yeah!! Sam and Nora!!” gushed JFP pleased with the shoot.

JR & Liz2 just nodded their heads in disgust and walked off.

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In the Green Room…

FL and RS met JR and Liz2 in the green room. Both of them were drinking water and looking really casual.

“Thanks for allowing us to interview you guys,” said JR.

“No problem Buzzy,” said RS sweetly.

“Your welcome,” said FL.

“So Flo, are you going to team up with Roger Howarth once you leave the show?” asked Liz2.

JR frowned, “Hey Liz – I’m running this interview.”

“We’ll see,” answered Flo.

Liz2 took a note.

“So, what do you guys have to say about your tenure on One Life To Live and Jill Farren Phelps…?” asked JR seriously.

“Well, my Grandmother said if you can’t say nothing nice about anyone, don’t say anything at all,” said FL.

“My grandmother taught me to tell it like it is – and Jill could give a rat’s a$$ about “Dorian”. It KILLED her to be nice to me this year,” said RS bluntly.

Liz2 took a note.

“Who are you guys going to miss the most when you leave the show?” asked JR

“The make-up room gossip crew,” said RS & FL.

“Flo, what do you have to say about your character’s transformation from bi*ch to whiny, needy, and clingy female?” asked Liz2.

“I think the past year was a waste of my time,” said Flo.

RS grinned at Flo, “That’s the sprit, girl. Tell it like it is!! And I agree!! As far as I’m concerned Ms. Phelps can…BLEEP, BLEEP, CENSORED, CENSORED.”

Liz2 looked at Buzzy and took a note. Buzzy was shocked by Robin’s words.

“I second that!!” added Flo.

“So, ah, Robin…would you go back to the show?” asked JR.

“Only if Jill found another place of employment,” said RS.

Liz2 took a note.

“Flo, what’s it like kissing Jill’s matinee idol, John Bolger?” asked Liz2.

Flo blushed, “Rog is by far the better kisser. At least I never thought he’d have an asthma attack when he kissed me.”

Liz2 took a note.

JR was shocked, “You two are so…blunt.”

“Buzzy, we’re just honest, that’s all,” grinned Robin.

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It was late in the evening. FL and Dim were hanging out in their dressing room drinking H20. EP, dressed as Poisonwood Rosie, JSS, and TDS were hanging out with them.

“I’m doomed,” said TDS, “I just know Jill’s gonna’ write me off the show now with you and Robin leaving.”

“Maybe you should cheese up to Jill,” suggested JSS.

“I don’t have the chest,” said TDS.

“But you got the dreads,” said EP.

“Hey Poisonwood, how was the VooDoo Conference in New Orleans you recently attended?” asked Dim.

“Cool,” grinned Poisonwood, “I can’t wait to try out my new tricks on Jill.”

“So Flo, got scoop?” asked Dim.

“Téa gets a mysterious package in the mail,” said FL.

Just then, AngelaB, the dependable UPS girl delivered a postcard and a bunch of flowers to FL. FL sniffed the flowers and read the postcard.

“Dear Flo, I heard “Law & Order” is hiring. Start sending off your resume!! BTW – I gotcha’ ya some flowers ‘cos girls like flowers. Happy Birthday!! Party Hard!! Make your boyfriend take you out to a fancy restaurant!! Rog. P.S. I miss you too Flo.”

“I miss you too Rog…” sniffed FL.

T:
1. McT’s leash arrives and she unveils a new character, “Mirror McT.”
2. Diva Dano gets wind of Diva Hickland’s remodeling.
3. Mail call is back!! Dim demands a storyline.
4. The cast and crew pick names for the upcoming Christmas party.
5. PE is robbed!!
6. Flo got scoop.

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