Satire - Part 76 - "Freddie Don't Need No Visine To Cry!! He's a real man!!"

This is a work of fiction. It is meant to be satirical in nature. Initially published on 04 DEC 1999.

WHAT HAPPENS:
1. McT plots!
2. Botrina's parentage is revealed!!
3. Make-up Room gossip - reaction to Dim's sleazy promo
4. Flo got scoop!!

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It was early in the morning. Dim and Robin were walking down the studio halls singing, “This is the end…my only friend, the end…”

McT, who was walking down the hall without a leash, (she had been “unleashed” last episode), spied Dim and Robin and flagged them down.

“Dim! Robin! Hold up!” yelled McT, who had a pencil hanging from behind her ear and scripts in her back pant’s pockets, “I heard you two could plot against Russia and come up smelling like Roses so I was wondering if I could enlist your help.”

“Dim and Robin were intrigued, “Oh really? With what?”

“Well, I got the derriere playing second fiddle to Jill and having to wear a leash everywhere. Now that I’m officially “Headwriter” I want to turn the tables on Jill! I want Jill to walk around this place wearing my leash for once!! Give her a taste of her own medicine!!” exclaimed McT.

“McT!! You’re devious!!” exclaimed Dim.

Just then, Hill came walking down the hall with Patricia Maurecui, (remember her????)who played “Carlotta”. As Hill and PM walked by they sang, “This is the end…my only friend, the end…”

“Hey Patti,” exclaimed Robin, “I caught you on that show, “Now & Again” last week…you looked great!”

“Thanks Robin,” said PM, “Anyone remember Reiko Alyesworth? She was on that show too. Looked great!!”

“Well McT, what kind of leash are you looking for?” asked Dim.

“A choker,” giggled McT, “Maybe I should sic “Mirror Janet” on Jill…” she pondered.

“We’ll dig up something for you McT. It’s the least I can do before I leave,” said Robin.

“Say McT, what’s up with this Bo ain’t Botrina’s father thing?” asked Dim.

“Jill forced me to write it. Held some “FromUnder” cheese under my nose until I did…” said McT.

Just then, ET, dressed as “Jessica The Rebel,” and EP, dressed as “Poisonwood Rosie” bee-bopped down the hall chanting, “This is the end…my only friend, the end…”

“What’s up with that song? How come everyone is singing it today?” asked McT.

“McT, haven’t you noticed? Morale is pretty low around the studio. Jill’s an egomaniacal control freak and the writing sucks,” said Dim.

“Hey! I work hard on my scripts!!” fussed McT, “I’m a word Momma!!”

“Whatever,” said RS, “Look, I’ll have a specially made leash for you by the end of the say.”

“Thanks Robin,” grinned McT.

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Meanwhile, in Jill’s office…

All of Jill’s Picture Frame Boys were hanging around Jill’s office, waiting for her to show up. KB sat on Jill’s desk, while Tim Gibbs was hanging a poster-sized pic of himself on the wall next to Diva Dano. John Bolger was trying to decide which rug he wanted to wear today when JFP came waltzing into her office puffing on 3 generic ciggies and holding a stack of snickers wrappers in her hand. Mark Derwin followed her in, holding her coffee.

“Morning Boys,” grinned Jill.

“Morning oh high and mighty OLTL Goddess,” said TG stroking her ego.

Jill was pleased and puffed her ciggies.

Just then, RSW walked in, kicking the furniture. Jill ignored them.

“Hey, I just passed the DePaivas in the hall. They were singing, “This is the end…my only friend, the end…” and taking bets on how soon the show was going to be cancelled and Robin and Flo leave,” commented Jill.

“Oh, Jill, don’t pay any attention to the DePaivas…” said KB reassuringly, “Their bets never pay off.”

RSW kicked over more furniture and began cussing. Jill continued to ignore him.

“Coffee,” said Jill.

MD handed Jill her coffee that she slugged down.

“Mark, why are you suddenly kissing Jill’s patootie?” asked JB. “I read this rumor in the Star about some East Coast Diva who might be trying to ditch her co-star…” said MD.

“Besides, there’s nothing wrong with sucking up. I do it all the time,” grinned Jill.

“Will SOMEONE listen to me!!” yelled RSW. Finally, everyone looked at him.

“Woodsy, what’s got you all hot and bothered?” asked Jill.

“Jill, I thought you agreed with me!! I didn’t want Bo to have any kids so we were going to make Sykes Botrina’s daddy!! Now I got this script that says it was a joke and Bo is really Botrina’s daddy!!” fussed RSW, “Look Jill, I don’t want Bo to be anyone daddy!! It will take away from my sex appeal.”

“Oh calm down Woodsy. Look, I can’t make my matinee idol Botrina’s daddy. That would give him the appearance he’s older than he really is on screen and I can’t have that. Besides, I was thinking of putting John and Sophia together as a couple and I can’t have the viewers thinking my matinee idol is dating someone old enough to be his grown up daughter,” explained JFP slugging down more coffee.

RSW just pouted.

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It was early in the afternoon and Dim walked onto the hospital set dressed in a Botrina Tran Power Suit. PC, PE, KdP, and RC were all ready there. JdP was lying in the hospital bed. MD and ES were there as well but Diva Slezak didn’t say anything to MD. George the Cameraman was sad Poisonwood Rosie wasn’t taping.

The director walked onto the set and yelled ‘Action!’. The scene began.

Blair was yelling at Skye to stop making fun of Max’s head wrap when Asa, Botrina, and Renee walked up.

“How’s my boy Blair?” asked Asa.

Skye giggled, “He thinks he’s the sheik of Araby.”

Blair smacked Skye upside the head.

Skye hissed at Blair.

Botrina turned to Renee, “I sure do hope Uncle Max gets better soon.”

“Didn’t you once boff your Uncle Max?” asked Renee.

“Ewewew…” said Skye.

“Enough of all your petty bickering!” thundered Asa, “There’s only one person to blame for Max’s condition! That nogoodnik RappaDavidson who thinks he’s a doctor.”

Just then Ben walked in with Blondie on his arm, “You can say whatever you want, Asa but you can’t tear me and Blondie apart. We’re soulmates.”

Botrina looked at Skye and both of them gagged.

Asa dragged on his stogie and puffed smoke in Ben’s face, “I don’t want to take Blondie down – just you. My family is gonna’ run your family outta’ town. Right, G.D?”

“Right,” confirmed Botrina.

Blondie just giggled and fawned all over her boy toy Ben.

The scene ended.

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GT and DJ walked into the make-up gossip room singing, “This is the end, my only friend, the end…” The rest of the gossip crew was all ready there including Dim, RS, FL, ET, EP, JSS, DF, Melissa the Make-up chick, Alyssa the Hairdresser, and CC The Newbie. Special guests included Hill, PC, PE, RC, the DePaivas and Greg Haberny who played Sophia’s brother, “Freddie.”

“So Don, what’s the latest?” asked RS.

“Woodsy’s pi$$Ed that Jill didn’t make Sykes Botrina’s dad…” grinned DJ.

“Well, I for one am glad,” said Dim, “Anyone hear reaction on my sleazy promo?”

“According to my source, Liz2 and her Nasty Notepad, guys love to drool over it…” started Poisonwood, “SEW thought you were hot.”

CC The Newbie pouted.

“But girls think you’re disgusting and what you do with that banana borders on porno,” finished ET.

“Hey did you guys see Diva Dano’s comments about John Bolger in this week’s “Soaps In Depth?” asked RC.

CC The Newbie dragged on her ciggie, “No, what did she say?”

“If you do not like John Bolger, there is something the matter with you!!” repeated RC.

“I wonder how much Jill paid the Diva to say that,” said PC dragging on his stogie. He slipped CC The Newbie some nip and they giggled as they did a shot.

“Hey!! I take offense!!” fussed Dim, “I don’t like…personally hate John Bolger I just happen to think he’s a Talent Vampire.”

“Yeah!” exclaimed Flo, “It’s not my fault people throw grapefruits at him in the stores ‘cos Téa and Sykes went over like a lead balloon. You can thank Jill for that!!”

“Typical Jill,” said Hill, “Always trying to tell the viewers what to feel without giving them a why.”

PE walked up to DF and gave him a sexy smile, “So young stud…next week’s scripts call for Cris to take his shirt off in front of Renee. Are your abs up to it?”

DF’s eyes grew wide, “You’re kidding me?! It’s the middle of winter and Jill’s still got me taking off my shirt?!”

“Greg, were those real tears this week that Freddie shed?” asked CC The Newbie.

Greg Haberny smiled, “You bet!! Freddie don’t need no visine to cry – he’s a REAL man!!”

“Flo, Robin, do you guys have final tape dates yet?” asked Alyssa the Hairdresser as she gelled up JSS’s hair.

“Not yet,” said Flo, “But I’m giving an exit interview next week to SOD.”

“Well, if Jill doesn’t want me to blow the whistle on her in my exit interview or on my hotline, she better pay me more than she paid Diva Dano to spout her FOJ tripe,” said RS putting her hands on her hips.

“Hey Jimmie – what’s up with Max? Did he get DID a la “Todd?” asked GT putting on some makeup.

“We would take bets on it,” said KdP, “But we figured out no one really cared so we decided not too.”

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It was the end of the say and Flo and Dim were in their dressing room drinking H20. TDS, JSS, and EP, dressed as “Poisonwood Rosie” were hanging out with them.

“Flo!! You just can’t leave!! What if Jill tries to give me a new roomie?! Like Tim Gibbs!!” fussed Dim.

“Dim…” sniffled Flo, “Ask Poisonwood to be your new roomie.”

Poisonwood grinned, “I’ll think about it. Erin might miss me if I moved out.”

“So Flo, got plans or upcoming projects once you leave?” asked TDS.

“Not yet. But I’m open to offers…” grinned Flo.

“So Flo, got scoop?” asked Dim.

“Téa goes to the Bayberry Inn for Christmas…” grinned FL.

Just then AngelaB, the trusty and dependable UPS girl arrived with a postcard for Flo. Flo read, “Sorry Flo but Jill couldn’t pay me enough to go back to that show!! Maybe we can schmooze Ms. Nixon the Supreme Soap Opera Goddess herself into bringing Todd and Téa to AMC? Just a thought. Let me know your last tape date so I can show up to the party. Rog. P.S. I miss you too Flo.”

“Isn’t it his turn to bring the cupcake?” asked Dim.

Flo sighed, “I miss Rog.”

NEXT:
1. McT buys a leash.
2. Flo and RS give an exit interview.
3. Diva Hickland redoes her dressing room. Diva Dano films a dream sequence with JFP’s matinee idol.
4. Flo got scoop.

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