Satire - Part 75 - "Jill Wants Sexy..."

This is a work of fiction. It is meant to be satirical in nature. Initially published on 26 NOV 1999.

WHAT HAPPENS:
1. The Phantom strikes in JFP’s new office. Guest staring Uncle Tony.
2. Dim has to do a sleazy promo.
3. Botrina goes to extremes to get Bo’s attention.
4. Flo got scoop.

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It was early in the morning. The Phantom wanted to add her loving touch to JFP’s new office so she snuck in with Uncle Tony who she met hanging outside the studio, lurking around, waiting to meet JFP. He wanted to make JFP an offer she couldn’t refuse. The Phantom figured she’s leave out a big huge block of “FromUnder” Cheese in JFP’s office. It smelled really bad but the Phantom wanted to leave a message – not all cheese was good. They got in JFP’s office and while the Phantom was leaving her cheese, Uncle Tony started fiddling with JFP’s intercom. Not liking JFP’s selection, Uncle Tony put in the “Doors” and started to jam.

They were startled by aloud knock on the door and hid underneath JFP’s desk. JB opened the door, saw the huge block of cheese on JFP’s desk and thought he’d take credit for it. He closed the door, satisfied her office was empty. Uncle Tony and the Phantom slithered out of the studio the way they came in.

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The next morning, Dim and Flo were in their dressing room drinking coffee. Dim was depressed. She slouched in her chair.

“So Flo, are they going to kill Téa off?” asked Dim.

“They were talking about it…” said Flo, “I can’t get off this show soon enough!”

“Just then Robin Strasser walked in followed by CC The Newbie, “Girls – you’d be proud of me. I just saw Jill down on the set and told her to stick it!”

“What do you mean by Stick It, Robin?” asked Dim all concerned.

“Robin told Jill to take this job and shove it! She wasn’t spouting anymore of the party line and FOJ tripe! She’s leaving the show!” exclaimed CC The Newbie puffing on her Ciggies.

“Not you to Robin!” exclaimed Dim all distraught.

“Yep, me too! I’ve had it with Cruella DePill,” said Robin firmly.

Dim sniffled. Just then Phil Carey walked in, “Robin – you got guts girl. After you got done telling Jill to stick it – I did too. I’m not renewing either,” PC dragged on his stogie.

“You guys can’t quit!! What about the fans who adore Téa, Dorian, and Asa?!” exclaimed Dim.

FL, RS, and PC stood up next to each other.

“We adore the fans, Dim, we do. We just can’t take JFP’s egomaniacal, control freak behavior. It’s time to go,” said Robin.

“Well, screw it! If you guys quit – I’m going to quit too!!” exclaimed Dim.

“You can’t quit Dim!!” fussed CC The Newbie, “Jill will make me do mail call since I’m the newbie!!”

Just then Tim Gibbs stuck his head in the dressing room, “Dim, report to hair and wardrobe. You’re taping your promo today!”

Dim put her hands on her hips and pouted, “I forgot about that stupid promo. You guys better change your mind by the time I get back!!” Dim stomped out of her dressing room like a little kid throwing a tantrum.

“I’d say she’s gonna’ miss us,” grinned PC.

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Dim was on the set dressed in a “Fredrick’s of Hollywood” teddy. George the Cameraman couldn’t control his drool.

“Okay, so now what?” fussed Dim.

The director brought Dim a chair and a banana, “Jill says be spontaneous…”

Dim looked at the banana, “You’re kidding me right?”

“And sexy. Jill wants sexy…” added the director.

“Sexy? A banana is not sexy!! It’s…I dunno…sleazy!!” fussed Dim.

“Whatever,” said the director, “Let’s make Jill happy now.”

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Later on that morning…

Hill walked onto the kitchen set of Llanfair, by her was her FOJ tag-a-log, Kale Brown. ES, MD, TG, JB, RC, RSW, and CH were already there. Diva Hickland was complaining about how much she missed Diva Dano. Dim and TDS waited in the wings. The director called for Action and scene began.

Sam pulled the turkey out of the oven. Viki was mashing the potatoes like a good little woman. Lindsay was cooking the corn, and Nora was making gravy.

“Oh Ben Darling, I need a real man to carve the Thanksgiving Day Turkey…” said Viki batting her eyelashes at Ben.

Ben gave Viki a sloppy open mouth kiss, “Sure Blondie. I’ll carve your turkey.”

Sam looked at Nora, “How come you don’t kiss me like that?”

Nora rolled her eyes and applied her chapstick, “I prefer to lick your chest sweetums…”

Kevin sat in a corner and slugged down some JD while getting drunk. No one seemed to notice him or care. Except Skye. Kevin had been forced to invite Skye because she was blackmailing Kevin with his car keys again.

Bo walked up to Lindsay, patted her ass and slobbered all over her chest, “I can’t wait to eat your pudding,” he said.

“Bo,” giggled Lindsay, “I’m making corn.”

Everyone was…happy and thankful.

Just then Botrina and her man, RJ Gannon walked in. Everyone looked at Botrina and RJ like they had just stuck their hands in a cookie jar.

“Ah, Botrina, what are you doing here? I thought you’d be eating Turkey over your Grandpa Asa’s mansion…” slurred Kevin at his nemesis.

Botrina just grinned and crossed her arms, “Well, I thought I’d spend Thanksgiving with my father this year.”

Bo looked depressed, “You didn’t have to go out of your way Trina.”

RJ got defensive, “What? You don’t want to see Trina ‘cos of me? That’s it, isn’t it?”

“Aren’t you seeing Téa Delgado?” asked Skye.

“Not on this show, I ain’t!!” spat RJ.

“Trina,” said Bo bluntly, “I’ve got news for you. I just found out I’m not really your father.”

“WHAT!?” gasped Botrina. Her eyes grew wide.

The scene ended.

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JFP sat in her office smoking her Ciggies and furiously writing on her snickers wrappers while she waited for Dim and Robin to show up for mail call. Finally, Dim and Robin walked in carrying two big piles of mail followed by John Bolger, Kale Brown, and Tim Gibbs. Jill smiled.

“Good! Mail call! Give it too me straight!” grinned JFP puffing on her Ciggies.

Dim and RS smelled the air and almost gagged, “Jill, I think your air freshener broke,” said Dim.

“I didn’t notice,” grinned Jill through her ciggie smoke.

Robin spied the big block of “FromUnder” cheese and realized that was were the smell was coming from, “Who gave you that cheese Jill?” asked Robin.

“I did,” grinned JB all proud of himself.

Dim and Robin nodded their heads in disgust.

“It smells good too,” added Jill, “Now what are the fans saying this week?”

Dim pointed to her mailbag, “Well, this pile of mail contains another 500 pink slips calling for your IMMEDIATE dismissal. Again.”

“I fear no pink slip,” grinned JFP puffing on her Ciggies.

“This bag is full of letters praising your creative genius and everyone here thinks your $hit don’t stink,” said RS pointing to her bag.

“Which bag weighs more?” asked KB out of curiosity.

“This one,” said Robin.

“The fans love me!” smiled Jill with glee, “Who’s hot?”

“Hot? The crossroads bartender,” said Dim.

“He was a casting couch find,” giggled Jill.

“Huh?” asked RS.

“Okay Jill, the winners of the satire soap awards were announced. ABC is showing the awards show on primetime in a few weeks from now…” started Dim.

“Okay!!” exclaimed Jill, “Who won?”

“Worthum Krimmer won for Best Backburner Actor…” started RS.

“Who?” asked Jill puffing on her Ciggies.

“I don’t think I know him…” said Tim Gibbs.

“I know I don’t…” muttered John Bolger.

“Florencia Lozano won for Best Backburnered Actress…” started Dim.

“At least Flo can say she won something now,” grinned JFP.

“John Bolger won Best Appearance by a hairpiece and Best Talent Vampire…” said RS.

“JohnnyBoy!!” exclaimed JFP, “I’m so proud of you! You took home two awards for the show!!”

JB just grinned and rubbed his man-breasts.

“Sue Misner beat out Kale Brown as the Best of the Worst with fans writing in saying the only good Rappaport is a dead Rappaport…” continued Dim.

“We’ll forward her award…” said JFP rolling her eyes.

“Blondie won the Best Pod Award…” said RS.

“I knew Erika could still do it!” said Jill proudly.

“Roger Howarth won for best non-comeback…” said Dim.

JFP, JB, TG, and KB all hissed.

“Botrina and RJ won for best couple…” said RS.

“Oh. That’s nice,” said JFP nonchalantly.

“All the 1999 OLTL Sex scenes won for the most flush-worthy moment with the write in of Téa and Sykes shower porn coming in a close second,” said Dim.

“I made some good Television this year didn’t I?” said Jill all proud of herself.

“And…the Academy has chosen to recognize you this year Jill by presenting you with a lifetime Under Achievement Award for your work on “Santa Barbara”, “Guiding Light,” “Another World,” and OLTL,” concluded RS.

“Me? Really? Me? I’m getting an award?!” Jill sniffled as she lit another ciggie, “I’m gonna’ tell McT!!”

JFP pushed her intercom, “McT get up here now!!”

A loud sigh filled the office, “Okay, Jill.”

JFP released the button and her intercom music played. It was “Gloria” from the Doors.

“What is this? I kinda’ like it…” said JFP.

“I dunno. Never heard it before…” said TG.

Meagan McTavish walked in carrying her leash, “Where are we going now Jill?” She looked ragged and worn out. A pencil stuck out form behind her ear.

“You can throw that leash out McT! Since I’m in such a good mood, I’m officially naming you Headwriter of the show!!”

“Stop the Madness!” yelled Dim.

McT was happy. She started to do a “Happy Dance” and then she started yelling.

“What’s wrong McT?” asked JFP.

“Look!” pointed McT. 3 mice were scurrying around the office. The mice got up on JFP’s desk but passed out cold as soon as they got near the “FromUnder” cheese.

Everyone looked on it shock.

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It was late in the evening. Dim and Flo were in their dressing room drinking H2O. EP, dressed as Poisonwood Rosie, TDS, and JSS were also hanging out.

“So Flo, got scoop?” asked EP.

“I pi$$ed off Jill again. I don’t tape for another two weeks. I think it’s ‘cos I won some award…” said Flo crossing her arms.

“Any news from Rog?” asked Dim.

“Not yet,” said FL.

Just then, AngelaB, the trusty UPS girl delivered a postcard to Flo. Flo read, “Dear Flo, I just landed a pilot!! See you in LA soon. Rog. P.S. I miss you too Flo.”

“I miss you too Rog,” grinned Flo.

NEXT:
1. McT plots…
2. Botrina’s parentage is revealed!!
3. Make-up room gossip – reaction to Dim’s sleazy promo
4. Flo got scoop.

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