Satire - Part 72 - "Which alter are you today, Erin? Messie the Mass Murderer?"

This is a work of fiction. It is meant to be satirical in nature. . Initially published on 02 Oct 1999.

WHAT HAPPENS:
1. JFP is appalled by TG’s changes.
2. Diva Dano cuts a record, “Simply Times Square” to compete with Diva Hickland.
3. Botrina starts her mission to expose Kevin and Sykes.
4. Flo got scoop.

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Dim stopped by Starbucks around the corner from the studio to pick up some early morning coffee and came across Hill and Flo buying coffee too.

“So guys, ready to go back to work after Super Soap?” asked Dim. She bought a cappuccino.

“Nah…” said Hill, “I didn’t realize I was getting low on chapstick. I need some more heavy duty blue.”

“How are your contract negotiations going Flo?” asked Dim.

“It’s getting tough,” grinned Flo sipping her coffee.

Dim got her coffee and they went to the studios. They walked into the studio and in the main lobby, hanging on the wall was a poster size picture of Tim Gibbs in an elaborate frame.

“Hey! What happened to JaCk’s “Syko” poster that was hanging on the wall?” asked Flo.

“I dunno…Jill left Tim in charge remember?” said Hill.

“I guess Tim thought his picture was studiler than John’s,” muttered Dim.

Just then Robin Strasser walked up, “Jill’s having a bad day girls, watch out for her. She’s pi$$ed that Tim didn’t fix her office and her intercom has soot on it. She can’t find her snickers wrappers, and the DePaivas talked straight from the hip about Bob Krimmer’s new reoccurring status instead of spouting off her FOJ tripe.”

“I don’t know what’s worse – pi$$ed-off-Jill or on-the-rag Jill…” said Dim sipping her coffee.

Erin Torpey walked up the crew dressed in leather.

“What this about Jessie coming down with DID, Erin?” asked Hill.

ET just rolled her eyes, “Nothing else explains it.”

“So, which alter are you today Erin? Messie the Mass Murderer?” started Dim.

“Or Bessie the Biker Chick?” finished Flo.

“No. Today I’m Tessie the Tease. Jason better watch out, Tessie kisses with an open mouth…” said ET.

Dim glared at ET, “I don’t have grounds to be jealous now do I?”

“Nope,” said ET, “I got my own man. Hey! Has anyone seen Poisonwood today?”

“Sorry,” said Flo, “She made a pit stop in New Orleans to pick up some of her special blend ciggies for Charissa.”

ET sniffed, “I miss Poisonwood.”

Just then, JFP walked in the lobby with a case of the crabs and a bandage over her nose. It had gotten burnt from the hot sauce she had last week, “So what are all of you standing around gawking at?”

“Jill! What bug crawled up you’re a$$ today?” asked Dim.

“Have you seen this studio? Tim totally made a mess out of it! He’s wearing John’s Hawaiian shirts and now my new office has a fresh coat of Tim Gibbs wallpaper!” fussed Jill dragging on her ciggies.

“We’ll fix that soon enough,” said Dim grinning at Robin.

“That’s it! Tim’s royally pi$$ed me off now!” pouted Jill.

“What are you going to do Jill?” asked ET.

“I’m gonna fire his love interest!! Kiss that Grace goodbye!!” shouted Jill.

Everyone’s eyes grew wide as Jill stomped off.

“Poor Sue…” whispered Dim.

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Dim walked onto the set dressed in a Botrina Tran Power Suit. TDS, TG, JB, NP, SM, and CTJ were all ready there. Dim walked up to TDS. “Tim, did you see this scene’s script? It’s horrid…!” whispered Botrina.

“No $hit. Follow my lead. We’re gonna adlib this stuff because there’s no way RJ would say this tripe…” grinned TDS.

The director walked on the set and yelled ‘Action!’. The scene began. Botrina and RJ walked into Rodi’s and surveyed the area. Det. West was sitting at the bar with Hank. They were gabbing. Kevin was at a table flirting with Grace. John Sykes was sulking in a corner, sad because Rae was out of town and he had no place to park his winkie since Téa had given him the boot.

Botrina and RJ walked up to Hank and Lisa. Botrina grinned at Lisa.

“Henry – got some time off for good behavior?” asked RJ with a gleam in his eye.

“RJ, I think it’s you who needs to stay out of the gutter. I hear you’re causing more trouble…” said Hank trading quips with RJ.

“RJ…look. There’s Kevin & Sykes. My two favorite people in the world that I can’t stand. Let’s give them a hard time,” said Botrina giggling like an evil schoolgirl.

“You go girl…” grinned Lisa.

Botrina and RJ walked up to Sykes.

“Oh, Det. Dimwit. Are you sad and lonely without a new home for your Hawaiian shirts…?” asked RJ.

“Hey! I look cool in these shirts!” protested Sykes. He had the top two buttons undone hinting at his man-breasts. “Sykes you are so not a hero and I’m going to expose you for the fraud you are!” said Botrina crossing her arms.

“And I’m not going to stop harassing you and RJ. You two are criminals…” shouted Sykes.

“Whatever,” said Botrina. RJ and Botrina walked off to go harass Kevin. The fan in the corner was blowing right in Botrina’s face.

“You’re turn Kevin,” said Botrina, “I’m putting you on notice. Stop snooping my business. I’m completely legit.”

Grace just blankly looked at Botrina & RJ.

“You’re completely dirty Botrina,” said Kevin, “And I’m gonna print all about it in the Banner.”

“Are we recycling this plot again?” asked Botrina sarcastically.

RJ grabbed Kevin’s collar and picked him up like a rag doll, “You dirty scum!! You’re a hypocrite. You think you’re high and mighty but Botrina and me are gonna’ expose you for the scummy little weasel you are!” sneered RJ.

Sykes walked up behind RJ, “Let him go RJ!” shouted Sykes.

Botrina went to the fan, turned it on Sykes and his rug flew off his head and hit Kevin in the face.

The scene ended.

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The usual suspect gathered around in the make-up room to gossip. FL, GT, ET, DJ, JSS, DF, Dim and Robin with special guest TDS, gathered around. Melissa the Make-up Chick was putting the make-up on GT and Alyssa the Hairdresser was putting gel in JSS’s hair.

“Don, what’s the latest rumors off the internet?” asked Dim.

“Bad news guys, in case you haven’t heard – Bob Krimmer is now on re-occurring status…” started DJ.

“Don’t you mean he got lost in Viki’s attic?” quipped RS.

“Or was he put away in Carlotta’s Meat Locker?” grinned TDS.

“Jill took away Kassie and Jimmie’s bookie hats for a week. She’s upset over their latest comments they made at Super Soap…” continued DJ.

“Damn! How does Jill expect the DePaiva’s to make a living?” asked Alyssa the Hairdresser.

“And Angela Shapiro came out in the latest SOD saying they would love to Roger back – signed to a long term contract but alluding that it would be on their terms…” continued DJ.

“Well, we all know how cheap Jill is with a penny. Poisonwood can’t keep her charm bag stocked half the time…” added DF.

“…and Jill did it. Jill really did it. She gave Sue the axe because she didn’t have any chemistry with Tim…” continued DJ.

“Typical Jill,” said Robin crossing her arms.

“I’m shocked I didn’t get the axe because I had ZERO chemistry with her matinee idol,” remarked Flo.

“Jill’s just dirty…” said Melissa.

“…and Kevin McClatchy’s story is ending way too soon. He got the boot too…” said DJ.

“Jill sure was in a foul mood this week, wasn’t she?” asked GT.

“Are you sure Jill wasn’t on the rag this week?” asked Dim.

“Maybe that hot sauce really did blow her brains out…” remarked TDS.

“Wow. Jill canned an FOJ. That’s amazing…” said ET.

“By the way Dave – what’s up with your hot shot on the show’s new promos? Why all the chest?” asked TDS.

“Jill promised me she’d do a really hot, sexy, romantic Cris & Renee scene if I did…” said DF.

ET rolled her eyes, “And you believed her?”

Just then, Diva Dano, all proud of herself came busting in, “Hey Gossip Crew, guess what? I just cut a record!” She held up a CD.

“Diva…you sing?” asked Dim.

“Yep,” grinned Diva Dano.

“Play it. Let’s hear it Diva,” said JSS.

Alyssa finished with JSS and shot a gob of gel in DF’s hair.

Diva Dano found a CD boom box and put in her CD. Select Broadway tunes with Diva Dano singing filled the air.

“Diva – you aren’t half bad…” said Dim.

“I dunno…Erika Slezak doing Smashmouth was better…” remarked DJ.

“Thanks guys. I’m gonna give Diva Hickland a run for her money…” grinned Diva Dano.

Alyssa finished with DF’s hair and put a gob of gel in DJ’s hair. “What’s your CD called Diva?” asked GT.

Diva Dano grinned, “Simply Times Square.” It’s for sale on my website. www.lindadano.com.”

CC the Newbie walked in with EP, dressed as Poisonwood Rosie and PC smoking 3 of Poisonwood’s special herbal blend ciggies.

“Charissa! You’ll set off the ciggie buzzer!” exclaimed Robin.

“No, I won’t Robin,” grinned CC.

“You didn’t…?” muttered Dim.

“No way…?” stammered Flo.

“She finally broke down?” asked TDS.

“Yep,” grinned PC taking a long hard drag on his stogie, “Little Charissa is our newest contract player!”

Charrisa just beamed with happiness.

Everyone clapped and cheered.

Diva Dano gave CC a free copy of her CD.

Just then, Crabby a$$ Jill walked in, “What are you all doing gossiping down here in the make-up room? We have a show to put on! Go to work!!” CC the Newbie walked up to Jill, took a long drag on her ciggies and blew the smoke in JFP’s face, “Thanks for the contract Jill. Now I can smoke in the studio.”

Jill was jealous, “Damn! That’s Poisonwood’s special herbal blend too…”

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It was late in the evening. Dim and Flo were hanging out in the their dressing room with TDS, EP, and JSS.

“I’m happy for Charissa. She finally got a contract!” grinned Dim.

“So am I. She earned it,” said Flo.

“I heard Jill is planning on having a Halloween party for the cast this year…” said TDS.

“Who is she going as…?” asked JSS.

“Liza Minelli?” suggested Dim.

“I’m afraid to ask personally,” said Flo.

“So Flo, got scoop?” asked Poisonwood taking an inventory of her charm bag.

“Yeah. How’s this for excitement? Téa reads a cheezy romance novel and dreams of Todd?” grinned Flo.

“Big week for Téa, huh?” giggled Dim.

Just then, AngelaB, the trusty and dependable UPS girl delivered Flo a postcard from Rog.

Flo read, “Dear Flo. Cheer up!! Stay tough!! Hang in there!! Jill will fold!! I’ll be back – if they make me a nice offer. Rog. P.S. I miss you too Flo.”

“I miss you too Rog,” said sad Flo.

NEXT:
1. McTavish speaks up!!
2. Diva Hickland tries to out jam Diva Dano.
3. Botrina gets taken hostage and Sykes is made to look like a hero.
4. Jill retires KMC’s Picture Frame in a stylish ceremony.
5. Flo got scoop.

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