Satire - Part 71 - Super Soap Satire Weekend

This is a work of fiction. It is meant to be satirical in nature. . Initially published on 25 Sep 1999. This is a Satire Classic.

WHAT HAPPENS:
1. Jill gets revenge on Dim and Robin.
2. Super Soap Weekend kicks off!
3. While Jill’s away, TG takes over!
4. Flo got scoop.

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Early on Friday morning…

Dim, RS, FL, CTJ, Hill, and EP, dressed as Poisonwood Rosie, stood at parade rest in front of JFP’s charred desk in her soot-covered office. JFP glared at them as 3 ciggies hung out of her mouth. Megan McTavish, the show’s defacto headwriter, stood next to JFP on a short leash.

“You guys have foiled my plans once again!” rattled Jill, “Dim! Robin! You’re a bad influence! Flo, Chris, Hill, and Poisonwood don’t normally do bad things unless you two are involved.”

Dim and Robin just shrugged their shoulders.

“Well, I’ve had it! All you clowns are going to supersoap with me this weekend so I can keep an eye on you!” yelled Jill.

“But Jill! I had plans!” fussed Dim.

“I’ve got a yoga class!” pouted Robin.

“Cancel it,” said Jill crossing her arms.

McT, bored, scratched her ear.

“I’ve got a play!” insisted CTJ.

“Should have thought about that before you blew up my podding machine!” said Jill. Ash from her ciggies fell on her desk.

“Can I take my fiancé?” asked Poisonwood playing with her charm bag, “He’s in town this week.”

“Whatever,” said Jill.

“Can I bring CC the Newbie?” asked Robin, “I think it will be a good experience for her. Besides, some of the fans want to meet her.”

Jill gave Robin an evil grin, “No. Now go pack your coffee cups and meet me in the front lobby in ten minutes so we can catch the bus to the airport.”

They filed out. As they filed out, JB, KB, TG, KMC, RSW, GT, DJ, and JSS filed in.

TG checked his picture frame right quick to make sure it was polished.

“What’s up Jill?” asked RSW. He held up his coffee cup, “I’m ready to go.”

“Well guys, some of you can’t go. I’m taking the crew that blew up my office to Super Soap for punishment,” said Jill sadly, “But I want you all to know – I love you. Gina, Don, Jason and Kale – you got the axe.”

“But Jill!” fussed KB, “I was really looking forward to going. My guitar is tuned and ready to go for my big number.”

“Sorry Kale. Besides I heard rumors about toilet flushers and you,” said JFP putting her hands on her hips, “And I couldn’t bare to see you get hurt.”

“Who are you putting in charge?” asked JB, full of concern, wearing a fresh, new Hawaiian shirt. He was eating a messy hamburger that was dripping ketchup and mustard and mayo all over his shirt.

“Well, Tim’s been a good boy lately, so I’m putting him in charge,” said JFP dragging on her ciggies, “Re-do my office while I’m away Tim.”

“Sure Jill,” grinned Tim all proud of himself.

“All right! See you guys on Monday!” grinned Jill walking out. McT followed along.

Ten minutes later, JFP meet the supersoap crew in the lobby and they got in the bus to go to the airport. Robin and the Crabby Crew took over the back seat and hid CC the Newbie back there. Robin was bound and determined to take the Newbie despite JFP’s orders.

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Later that morning…

AngelaB, the dependable and reliable UPS girl, showed up at the studio to give Flo her postcard. She parked her truck out front and went inside, shocked to see Sykes’s poster missing and TG’s picture frame on the wall of the main lobby.

“Something’s up…” whispered AngelaB.

Just then, TG walked up wearing a studly Hawaiian shirt, “Hey UPS girl! What are you doing here?”

“I have a postcard for Flo,” said AngelaB, adjusting her UPS hat.

“Flo went to Super Soap,” said TG grinning, “I’m in charge.”

“Uh-oh…” said AngelaB. Wanting to be known for her dependably, she got in her truck and headed south on the I-95. While on the way down to Florida, she picked up a few people on the way to Super Soap including M&M Gal, Jules, Amanda, Daisy and her Uncle Tony, Sister Jenny, Cathi, Bug, and natalie, who had just come back from Mexico with a bottle of “Blow your Brains out hot Tabasco sauce”.

Uncle Tony led the truck in a rousing chorus of “99 Bottle of Beer on the Wall” while everyone took turns hanging with AngelaB in the front seat. M&M Gal brought a red hot M&M for JdP to sign and Jules stocked up on Watermelon Sour Drops for Flo.

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Meanwhile, on the airplane…

Little J.Q. slept like a good boy for the DePaivas.

Dim leaned over her seat and taped Kassie on the shoulder, “Kassie, where’s your bookie hat? Everyone wants to take bets on whether or not Jill will discover Robin smuggled CC the Newbie on board.”

“Well, Jimmie and I decided no bets this weekend so we left our bookie hats at home,” grinned KdP.

“That’s cool,” said Dim.

CC, who was hidden back in the back of plane, finally had to go pee. As she walked into the lavatory, JFP walked out and Charissa dunked behind a seat, narrowly missing Jill.

FL read a book and CTJ put on some headphones to listen to the blues.

Michael E. Knight, Diva Hickland’s husband who played “Tad Martin” on AMC, sat between Diva Hickland and Diva Dano.

Diva Dano pulled out her make-up bag full of new cosmetics she came up with.

“Hickland, let me try out some of my new cosmetics on you,” said Diva Dano giving Diva Hickland a sly grin.

“No way Dano! I don’t trust you. You probably got colors like Army Camouflage green or something,” said Diva Hickland.

“Hey! No fussing!” said MEK reading a Sports Illustrated magazine.

Diva Dano held up a blush container, “I’ve got neon pink,” she grinned.

“Really?” asked Diva Hickland smiling, “Try it on Mike first.”

“What? No way!” said MEK as his eyes bugged out.

Poisonwood Rosie, her fiancé, Bryan White the Country Singing Dude, and ET and DF played the card came “Spades” to help pass the time.

JFP sat in First Class and McT sat next to her. McT was working hard on writing new scripts. She would give them to JFP who would write all over them in red magic marker and then give them back to McT to re-write.

Finally, the plane landed in Orlando and they were off to Super Soap.

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The Divas set up a table in the Magic Kingdom for make-up tips, each highlighting their own brand of make-up.

The DePaivas took little J.Q. to Toon Town to meet Mickey.

Poisonwood and her fiancé beat ET and DF at cards and ET and DF demanded a re-match.

Woodsy, Hill and Woodsy’s coffee cup got picked to ride with Diva LaLucci in the big parade.

Robin, Dim, Flo, CTJ, and CC the Newbie, who were all crabby since their weekend plans were ruined, set up a “Crabby Crew” signature table in the OLTL Tent which was stuck up appropriately enough in FairytaleLand”.

As soon as JFP got off the plane she lit 3 ciggies and took McT to Epcot Center to find herself a good Cajun food place. She was starving.

The crowds arrived. Jilly, Anna, Phantom, and Bo and Nora Fan met at the front gate and synchronized their watched. They had smuggled in metal toilet flushers in the hopes of pursuing Kale Brown, but unknown to them, he wasn’t there.

AngelaB arrived with her UPS truck and dropped off her gang.

Tex stopped by the “Crabby Crew” Table and CC a cartoon of her favorite ciggies. JFP still hadn’t noticed the Crabby Crew had smuggled CC with them.

SEW flew in from ‘Frisco to hang out with CC. He was dressed in black and found her hanging out with the Crabby Crew. Feeling confident that their escapades wouldn’t hit the internet, CC escaped with SEW to “AdventureLand” to ride Big Thunder Mountain.

Jonathan Reiner from TV Guide showed up with his assistant, Liz2 and her Nasty Notepad, looking for scoops.

SisterJenny hooked up with natalie who had “The Blow Your Brains Out Hot Tabasco Sauce” from Mexico, DeeDee, MonaLee62, and Daisy’s Uncle Tony to hunt down the infamous JFP. Uncle Tony wanted to make JFP an offer she couldn’t refuse.

Airpar caught up with the DePaivas who were meeting fans and signing autographs at the OLTL Tent in “FairytaleLand”.

“Kassie, can you sign my autograph book? You’re the only reason I keep watching this show,” said Airpar.

“Cool,” said KdP grinning, signing her book, “We’ve got lots of good stuff coming up too, don’t we Jimmie?”

JdP grinned, “We do? I didn’t get next week’s scripts yet. Jill keeps trashing what McT writes.”

“Jimmie Thang!” yelled M&M Gal walking up to him, “Candyland has a red hot M&M for you to autograph!”

JdP turned red but M&M Gal was cool and gave him a stuffed red M&M to sign.

Fan4Life, Cathi, Bug, Jules, and Kestrel walked up to the “Crabby Crew” table.

“How come you all look so Crabby?” asked Kestrel.

“We do?” asked RS, “We really don’t mean too. JFP just has a way of bringing out the worst in people, you know.”

“Yeah, we like meeting the fans,” grinned Dim lightening up now that someone finally visited their table.

“Well, Ms. Strasser, I think you’re cool,” said Fan4Life.

“Thank you,” said RS. She posed for a pic.

“Flo!” exclaimed Jules.

“Jules! Glad to see you could make it. What have you been up too?” asked Flo.

“Work. I got you some watermelon sour drops,” said Jules.

“My favorite!” said FL, “You’re the best personal assistant I know.”

Kestrel and Bug got Dim, Flo and Robin to pose for a pic too.

“Hi, I’m Cathi,” said Cathi shaking CTJ’s hand, “I’m only sad that I couldn’t meet Nathan Purdee and Tim Stickney.”

CTJ gave Cathi autographed photos for NP and TDS.

Jilly caught up with Anna, Phantom, and Bo and Nora Fan.

“So guys, you find Kale Brown yet?” asked Jilly.

“I think he’s suppose to play his guitar at four,” said Bo and Nora Fan holding up a program.

They chuckled.

Meanwhile, April and Blueboy, found ET, DF, Poisonwood and her fiancé, playing cards. Blueboy was sad because he wanted to flirt with Poisonwood but her fiancé was there. ET and DF lost and April and Blueboy played a game of “Spades” with Poisonwood and then played a game with ET and DF.

Daisy found the Diva’s make-up table and was brave enough to let the Divas give her a make over. natalie exchanged recipe ideas with Diva Dano allowing Diva Hickland to really get wild with Daisy. Blueboy also caught up with Diva Dano and got her autograph before he went out to recruite for FODs. By the time Diva Dano got back to Daisy, Diva Hickland was done and Daisy looked pretty in pink.

Sarah Brown who played “Fussbudget Carly” on General Hospital caught up with Diva Dano and proceeded to ask her just when in the he!! she planned on going back to General Hospital so she could give the Diva another piece of her mind.

Cabbie got picked to drive the open-air limo for the parade that Diva LaLucci, RSW, his coffee cup, and Hill were riding in. Woodsy had to sit up front with Cabbie who proceeded to give him a piece of her mind about his turning into a JFP kiss a$$.

Diva LaLucci whispered to Hill, “Poor Robert. I wonder what it must be like to be a Picture Frame Boy?”

“It’s a lot of pressure,” whispered Hill to Diva LaLucci.

The Crabby Crew was finally getting into the swing of things.

DeeDee thanked FL for some of the most wonderful soap opera memories she ever got from watching “Todd” and “Téa.” Flo was touched.

Amanda did the same and was surprised to learn that Flo liked to write too.

Louise took a pick with Flo and Dim and April came by the table and took a pic too.

Dee12 asked Dim where her sweetie, Jason was. Dim sniffled, admitting that Jason got cut but gave Dee12 an autographed pic of JSS.

natalie was thrilled to meet Flo but disappointed that she hadn’t found JFP yet. The Crabby Crew let it slip that JFP and McT were hiding out in Epcot Center.

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It was 4 o’clock and Jilly, Anna, Phantom, and Bo and Nora Fan showed up at the stage Kale Brown was supposed to be playing his guitar at, finally thinking they had their man. Instead, Woodsy and Hill went out and did a comedy routine explaining that KB couldn’t make it. After the show, Hill and Woodsy meet with Anna, Jilly, Phantom, and Bo and Nora Fan.

Hill posed for pics with Anna and Jilly and Bo and Nora Fan.

Phantom gave Woodsy a new coffee cup with a pic of Bo and Nora on the bottom just to remind him who is TRUE love was.

Sister Jenny, natalie, Uncle Tony, DeeDee and MonaLee62 finally found JFP and McT at the Cajun place in Epcot Center.

Uncle Tony grinned, “Let me make her an offer she can’t refuse.”

“Screw that, let’s just kick her a$$,” said DeeDee.

“Let’s throw spears of ice at her,” grinned MonaLee62.

“Hold on,” said Sister Jenny, “We may not be able to stand JFP but if we do her in now, then the satire won’t have a bad guy.”

“We gotta’ do something!” fussed DeeDee.

“Let’s send her a message,” said Sister Jenny.

“I’ve got an idea,” grinned natalie. They huddled.

Minutes later, Sister Jenny and natalie, dressed as Cajun waitresses served JFP and McT their food adorned with “Blow Your Brains Out Hot Tabasco Sauce” from Mexico.

JFP took a bite of her Cajun delight while everyone watched. Suddenly, flames shot out her nose and JFP ran to the bathroom with lightening quickness, tears rolling out of her eyes. McT had to follow since she was still on a leash.

Everyone giggled and JR and Liz2, who were eating nearby laughed. Liz2 whipped out her Nasty Notepad and took notes.

Finally, AngelaB, the UPS girl, found Flo at the Crabby Crew table and delivered her postcard from Rog. Flo was touched.

“Hey Flo, got scoop?” asked Dim.

Flo just grinned, “Téa works hard to nail Judge Peterson.”

“Screw the scoop! Read the postcard!” said RS.

“Dear Flo, if the show makes an offer I can’t refuse, I’d love to come back. LA is still hot. Rog. P.S. I miss you too Flo.”

“I miss you too Rog,” said Flo.

NEXT:

1. JFP is appalled by TG’s changes.
2. Diva Dano cuts a record, “Simply Times Square” to compete with Diva Hickland.
3. Botrina starts her mission to expose Kevin and Sykes.
4. Flo got scoop.

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