Satire - Part 70 - "I DON'T NEED A CLUE TO RUN THIS SHOW..."

This is a work of fiction. It is meant to be satirical in nature. . Initially published on 17 Sep 1999. This is a Satire Classic.

WHAT HAPPENS:
1. Dim, RS, FL, Hill, and CTJ blow up the podding machine.
2. The Divas try to influence the QVC guy.
3. Botrina's contact gives her a mission.
4. Flo got scoop.
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It was early in the morning. Dim, RS, FL, fresh back from her vacation, CC the Newbie, EP, dressed as Poisonwood Rosie, CTJ carrying her dartboard, and Hill were hanging out around the coffee pot in the lobby.

“Flo, may I simply say you look great. Vacation was good to you,” said HBS slurping her coffee. She pulled 3 different chapstick flavors out of her pocket and tried to decide which one she wanted to use. She had heavy-duty pink, extra heavy duty purple, and super extra heavy duty blue.

“Thank you Hill. I’m back and ready for action. Now, what’s this about a podding machine?” asked FL getting serious, “What’s the pink, Hill?”

“Heavy Duty,” deadpanned Hill.

Dim crossed her arms, “Stupid a$$ Jill thinks she can pod the viewers into liking the show but her own FOJ’s dimed her out.”

“Yeah! It’s disguised as a piece of equipment next to George’s camera,” said CTJ drinking her coffee.

“Well Girls, we’re going to blow it up,” grinned Robin, “Poisonwood, can you get your hands on any of Montana BooBee’s leftover Spam Bombs?”

“Yeah. I’ve got a couple in my bag o’ tricks,” grinned Poisonwood.

“But is a Spam Bomb going to be powerful enough? We might have to pack it with extra explosives,” said Dim.

“Woodsy might have some C4 in his dressing room,” added Hill.

Everyone turned and looked at Hill, “What’s Woodsy doing with C4?” asked Robin.

“He’s got all kind of war mementos in his dressing room,” said Hill, “But it’s been eons since I’ve been in it.”

“I know. We’ll get Diva Hickland to distract Woodsy and then we’ll sneak into his dressing room and put the grab on it,” said Dim.

“Diva Hickland will want us to do something for her in return,” pointed out Flo.

“All right. We’ll help her hock her pin to the QVC Guy,” said Robin, “Now, where are we going to blow up the podding machine at? I’d hate to ruin a good set.”

“Why don’t you blow it up in Jill’s office?” suggested CC, a bit distracted.

“I’d hate to ruin our wallpaper job,” fussed Dim.

“Screw the wallpaper. I’ve got plenty of it. We’ll just re-do Jill’s new office. So is everyone in?” asked Robin grinning.

“Count me out Robin. I won’t dime you guys out but I’ve got bigger fish to fry. I’ve got to figure out who spied on me and SEW’s date,” said CC counting the ciggies in her pack.

“Charissa, got any clue who narc’d you out?” asked CTJ.

“I bet it was an FOJ,” said Dim, “They have no honor or integrity.”

Just then KdP, dressed as Ragweed Blair, walked up carrying her odds and bookie sheets. Dim waved her over.

“Hey Ragweed, you guys taking bets on who was spying on Charissa?” asked Dim.

“Sure,” said KdP. She flipped a few sheets.

CC listened intently.

“I’ve got 20 to 1 odds on Don Jeffcoat…” started KdP.

“Why Don?” asked FL.

“Well, because of the Sophia/Joey/Kelly triangle,” said KdP, “15 to 1 odds on Snark because he’s a big flirt. 12 to 1 odds on Liz2’s Nasty Notepad. Who knows what’s on that. 8 to 1 odds on John Bolger because he needs all the tips he can get on romance and he’s got a hot romantic storyline coming up. 5 to 1 odds on Jill because she secretly has the hots for SEW and wants to add him to her picture frame collection.”

“Ewewewew…” muttered the CoffeePot Crew.

“Thanks for the list of suspects Kassie,” said CC, “Guys, wish me luck. I’m off to find the culprit.”

“Good luck Newbie,” said the Crew. CC walked off.

Just then JB walked up to the CoffeePot and poured 5 cups of coffee. He was wearing his polyester Hawaiian shirt with the top 2 buttons unbuttoned hinting at his man-breasts.

Flo, aghast, just dropped her mouth and stared on in disgust. JB looked up.

“So Flo, like the new look?” grinned JB. He rubbed his hand over the fabric of the shirt that was covering his man-boobs.

Dim smacked Flo upside her head, “Flo, it’s not nice to gawk at the Matinee Idol.”

“It’s…it’s…ah…well, it’s ah…it makes…a statement,” mumbled Flo.

“Thanks Flo,” said JB all proud of himself. He flexed his man-breasts at her and walked off juggling the coffee.

Flo gagged, “What’s got into him?”

“Jill thinks his new look is sexy,” said KdP, “Rumor is she got him a masseuse to keep his man-breasts firm and tone.”

“Ewewewew…” gagged the CoffeePot Crew.

“So, Christine, who’s this week’s Flavor of the Week?” asked KdP, “Odds favor Sam.”

CTJ grinned and held up her dartboard. It was Brian the CEREAL rapist, “Gina suggested it.” grinned CTJ.

“C’Mon girls,” said RS, “Let’s go find Diva Hickland.”

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Meanwhile, in JFP’s office…

JFP was sitting down behind her desk, sucking away on 3 ciggies, surrounded by her 10 rules of good soap opera by Douglas Marland wallpaper which she consistently ignored, listening to her intercom classic, “Twilight Zone” while wearing sunglasses to keep herself from getting blinded by RSW’s glow in the dark neon picture frame. She was furiously scribbling on snicker’s wrappers, giving them to McT to read. JFP continued to have McT on a short leash and McT was forced to sit on a turned over garbage can.

McT kept nodding her head ‘no’ as JFP gave her wrapper after wrapper. Just then, her Picture Frame Boys, RSW, JB, TG, KB, and KMC walked in. JB passed out the coffee.

TG walked up to Jill’s desk to look at his picture frame but was blinded by the neon glare.

“Jill,” fussed TG, “How can you see my frame with that glare?”

“Sunglasses Tim. Invest in a pair,” said JFP sucking on her ciggies.

While Jill wasn’t looking, McT threw the snicker’s wrapper in the trash. KB walked up to JFP and handed her a clue. JFP looked mortified.

“What’s this Kale?” asked JFP looking at it.

“It’s a clue. I found it taped to your office door so I thought I’d bring it in,” said KB.

“Waste of money,” said JFP throwing it in the can, “I don’t need a clue to run this show.”

“Hey Jill. I just wanna say I’m glad Hurricane Floyd missed Disneyworld. I’m getting pumped about going to Super Soap Weekend,” said RSW. He put his hands in his pockets and grinned.

“Bob, don’t forget to bring your coffee cup. The fans want to find out what’s so special about it,” said Jill puffing on her ciggies. She stood up suddenly jerking McT’s leash. McT stood up also.

“So, got any more mail from our newly podded viewers?” asked JFP.

KMC whipped out a letter, “This is from the Phantom. Comes complete with a box top from Lucky Charms. It says, “Brian is the cutest cereal rapist I know.”

JFP looked confused, “I don’t get it.”

“Look Jill, no offense to McT here, but we keep hearing rumors that since Broderick was let go that you’ll hire her,” said JB with concern.

McT’s eyes grew wide, “You promised Jill!!”

“Chill out McT. Your job is safe. I can’t put Lorraine on a leash.” “That’s low Jill,” said KB, “I wonder what flavor of lipstick Hill is using today?”

Jill sucked on her ciggies and slugged away at her coffee.

Just then Bambi the Masseuse walked in.

“I’m looking for a dude name Sykosis,” said Bambi.

“It’s Sykes and that would be me,” yelled JB looking right at Bambi.

“Hey look, the chicks in the lobby told me your name was Sykosis. Now open your shirt so I can give your man boobs a rub down,” said Bambi pulling out her massage oils from her bag.

JB just leered at her and foamed at the mouth.

Jill turned to McT and said, “I gotta keep my matinee idol in shape somehow for his upcoming red hot romance.”

McT nodded her head in disgust.

*********************************************************************************************************

Meanwhile, in the Green Room…

Diva Hickland was whispering sweet nothings into the QVC Guy’s right ear and Diva Dano was whispering sweet nothings into his left ear. The QVC Guy didn’t know what to do. Poor dude was totally flustered.

Dim, RS, FL, Hill, and CTJ showed up but the Divas kept whispering.

“Ah-hum!” said RS.

The Divas stopped.

“Diva Hickland, can we talk to you?” asked Hill.

Diva Hickland acted put out and walked over to the crew.

“What are you clowns doing? If I let up on the QVC Guy, Diva Dano will get the deal over me!” fussed Diva Hickland.

“C’Mere Diva,” said Dim. She whispered in Diva Hickland’s ear.

Diva Dano whispered non-stop in the QVC Guy’s ear, thinking she had the upper hand.

Diva Hickland’s face lit up like a Christmas tree.

Robin broke the huddle and walked up to the QVC Guy.

“You know, I think Diva Hickland’s pin is eloquent,” started RS.

“You do?” said the QVC Guy.

“Diva Hickland uses top quality jewels in all her accessories…” added Dim.

“She does?”

Diva Dano crossed her arms.

“Diva Hickland is a slave to fashion,” added Flo laying it on thick.

Diva Dano rolled her eyes.

“All right!” grinned the QVC Guy, “Diva Hickland it’s all yours.”

Diva Dano pouted.

**********************************************************************************************************

Dim walked onto the set. It was of the Llanview Police Station. Diva Hickland had Woodsy engaged in a lively, distraction-filled conversation.

Dim handed off the C4 to Hill behind her back. Hill gave EP, dressed as Poisonwood Rosie a wink and a nod and Poisonwood went to work by trying to flirt with George.

“So George,” said Poisonwood batting her eyelashes at him, “Would you like to show me how your equipment works?”

George foamed at the mouth, “Sure Poisonwood.”

While Poisonwood was keeping George busy, Robin and Hill put the grab on the podding machine and snuck it out.

The director walked onto the set and yelled ‘Action!’. The scene began.

“Hey Botrina! Got a minute!” asked Det. West walking up to her.

“Sure,” said Botrina, “What’s up?”

Det. West gave Botrina a slip of paper, “Instructions for you. Now that you’ve been recruited by the BS Spy Network you’ve got your first assignment.”

Botrina read the note and looked at Det. West, “My first mission is to bust Sykes and Kevin for impersonating interesting and charismatic characters?”

“Big challenge. Good luck. The BSSN is counting on you…” whispered Det. West.

Botrina walked into Bo’s office.

The scene ended.

************************************************************************************************************

Hill and Robin took the podding machine to JFP’s office. JFP and McT were out supervising things. They rigged the machine to blow by planting a beefed up Spam Bomb with C4 on the top. Robin hooked up the Det cord and her and Hill walked outside into the hall. Dim, FL, CTJ and Poisonwood joined them. They all exchanged an evil grin.

Dim lit the match. It sizzled.

“Just what do you think you are doing?” asked JFP, holding her leash as she turned the corner, with a ciggie hanging out of her mouth.

Dim lit the fuse and chuckled.

JFP saw the Det cord burn up into her office.

JFP and McT ran past Dim, RS, FL, EP, CTJ, and Hill and peered into her office from the doorway.

BA BOOM!

JFP’s office rattled.

JFP and McT turned around, their faces covered in soot.

“Ah Jill, I think your podding machine had an accident…” muttered Dim.

JFP’s ciggie, on fire, was still hanging out her mouth as she just glared at the gang.

“C’Mon McT,” said JFP, “Let’s get cleaned up.

Dim, FL, Robin, CTJ, and Hill giggled.

JFP and McT just pouted as they walked by.

***********************************************************************************************************

It was the end of the day. Dim and Flo were in their dressing room drinking H2O. JSS, EP, and TDS were hanging around with them.

“Flo! We missed you!” said TDS.

“I missed you guys too,” grinned Flo.

“Man, Jill’s gonna have you’re a$$ next week for blowing up her podding machine,” said Poisonwood.

“Jill won’t do a thing. What’s she gonna’ do? Take away my commissary privileges again? I’m soooo scared….” giggled Dim.

“You never know what trick Jill’s got up her sleeve…” whispered JSS.

“So Flo, got scoop?” grinned TDS, “It was tough work filling your shoes.”

“Téa is reluctant to get involved with RJ,” said Flo.

Just then CC the Newbie busted in looking frazzled, “Dim!! You’ll never guess!!”

“What’s up Charissa?” asked Dim, “Need a ciggie?”

“Nah. I just saw Phil Carey. He let me suck down a stogie. You’ll never guess who spied on my date!!”

“WHO?” everyone asked.

“Jill told Sykosis to spy on my butt so he could pick up some romance tips from SEW because she’s fixing to give Syko and Retch a big red hot love affair and she wants people to stop throwing grapefruit at his non-romantic inspiring a$$!!” exclaimed CC.

“No way!!” exclaimed Dim, “That’s dirty!! Nothing could help him out!!”

Just then AngelaB, the trusty and reliable UPS girl showed up with a postcard for Flo.

“Hi Flo. It’s good to see you’re back,” said AngelaB giving Flo her postcard.

“Thanks Ang. I missed you too,” Flo read her postcard, “Flo, LA is HOT. How are your contract negotiations going? Stay firm. Don’t comprise!! Rog. P.S. I miss you too Flo.”

“I miss you too Rog,” said Flo.

NEXT:
1. Jill gets revenge on Dim and Robin.
2. Super Soap Weekend kicks off!
3. While Jill’s away, TG takes over!
4. Flo got scoop.

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