Satire - Part 69 - "SO POISONWOOD, WHAT DID THE DEAD TELL YOU TODAY?"

This is a work of fiction. It is meant to be satirical in nature. . Initially published on 10 Sep 1999.

WHAT HAPPENS:
1. MD tells RC about the podding machine.
2. The Divas come up with the same fashion pin design.
3. McT gives Botrina a storyline.
4. TDS got scoop.
********************************************************************************************************

It was early in the morning. Dim, RS, ET, EP, HBS and SM were in the commissary drinking coffee. CC the Newbie walked up carrying two scripts.

“Hey Dim, Hey Poisonwood. I just came from Jill’s office. She wanted me to give you these revised scripts,” said CC sitting down.

“Thanks Charrisa,” said Dim taking the script and looking it over.

“Yeah, thanks,” said Poisonwood. She looked hers over too.

“So Hill, tell us what Woodsy found so fascinating in his coffee cup this past week that he couldn’t look at you in that diner scene?” said ET sipping her OJ.

“I think he found Sam’s dentures,” deadpanned HBS.

Just then Diva Dano walked up with a big fat grin her face, “Girls – I just came up with the cutest little fashion pin and I wanted to show it off before I started hocking it on QVC.”

“Let’s see it Diva. My mom loves your stuff,” said SM chugging down her coffee.

Dim looked at her script and her eyes bugged out.

Diva Dano held up her new fashion pin. It was huge and it resembled an autumn leaf and it was god and rust in color.

Poisonwood raised an eyebrow as she looked at her script.

“Looks nice Dano. How much are you hocking it for?” asked RS.

“Oh, I figure about $25.00 bucks a pin. I better get going before the QVC guy gets here,” said Diva Dano. She walked off.

“I don’t believe this,” muttered Poisonwood fussing with her arm band.

“What?” asked HBS.

“Rosie gets the Sixth Sense and starts seeing dead people. I get a message from little Megan this week and Dead Drew next week…! Who wrote this drivel?” muttered Poisonwood frowning.

“Sound’s like McT’s work…” grinned RS, “That leash JFP has McT on ain’t short enough.”

Just then Diva Hickland walked up with a big grin on her face, “Girls, I came up with this cute accessory I want to sell on QVC and the QVC guy is coming by today and I want your opinion on it.”

“Sure Diva, let’s see it,” said ET sipping her OJ.

Diva Hickland held up a fashion pin. It was huge and it resembled an autumn leaf and it was gold and rust in color.

“Ah…Diva…” said SM opening her mouth like she was catching flies, “It looks just like…”

“Sue!” said RS smacking SM, “It’s not nice to open your mouth like that.”

“Don’t you like it?” asked Diva Hickland.

“Sure. It’s nice,” said CC trying to be politically correct.

“I like the colors,” added ET.

“You’ll get lots of sales Diva,” added Dim.

“Cool. I’m glad you guys like it. I better get going…” said Diva Hickland walking off.

“Do I detect another Diva war coming soon?” grinned HBS.

“Oh my God! I don’t believe this! You’ll never guess what plot Jill recycled for Botrina!” said Dim nodding her head in disgust, “Who writes this drivel?”

“Fess up Dim,” said ET.

“Botrina becomes a super spy who plays piano and has an affair with a minister!” exclaimed Dim.

“A la David Renaldi?” asked RS.

“I’m gonna tell Jill where to shove this recycled plot!” said Dim getting up and walking off in a rush.

“Me too!” said Poisonwood getting up.

RS got up too, “I’m going to enjoy the show.”

*******************************************************************************************************

Meanwhile, In JFP’s office…

JFP was sitting down behind her desk smoking three ciggies, surrounded by the 10 rules of good soap opera by Douglas Marland wallpaper, listening to her intercom classic, “Twilight Zone”, while polishing TG’s picture frame. McT sat in a chair next to JFP working on scripts. JFP had McT on a short leash. McT said nothing as she worked on her scripts. Just then JB, TG, KB, and KMC walked in with RSW. Jill looked up.

“Guys, where’s Mark?” asked JFP grinning at her stud boys.

“Mark had to go find Robin Christopher. They’re blocking…” explained TG, “I see you’re taking meticulous care of my frame.”

“I gotta keep my frames shiny,” said Jill puffing on her ciggies.

“Jill, we wanna add Woodsy to your picture frame boy collection. He’s one of the guys,” said KB patting RSW on the back.

“Woodsy,” grinned Jill, “Glad to see you came around. I’d love to add you to my collection. I just need a picture and a frame.”

“Cool,” said RSW. He held up his picture in a glow in the dark gold frame, “Here you go.”

McT raised an eyebrow wondering what was going on.

Jill took it from him and added it to her desk, “So, guys did you pick up the emails from ABCTim that I asked you too?”

“Sure did,” said JB wearing a polyester Hawaiian shirt, holding up a handful of emails.

“Pass ‘em around and let’s hear how successful our subliminal podding machine is…” grinned JFP puffing away on her ciggies.

JB passed ‘em out and read the first one, “I’m glad Kevin hit Ben. Ben had it coming to him.”

“Next!” said JFP.

“Brian reminds me of that rapist dude that was on the show back in 1994 but I can’t remember his name…” read TG.

“That’s a good sign,” grinned JFP.

“John and Rae Rock! They had undeniable smoldering desire…” read KB, “John Bolger is a matinee idol.”

JB grinned and rubbed his hand across his man-breasts all proud of himself.

“I love Sam and Nora. He’s so open and honest with her…” read RSW.

“Sounds like it’s working just fine guys…” said JFP sucking away on her ciggies.

“What’s working just fine Jill?” asked Dim busting into JFP’s office followed by Poisonwood and RS.

JB, TG, KB, RSW, and KMC took all their emails and hid them behind their backs and started whistling, trying to look nonchalant.

JFP stood up and jerked McT’s leash. McT stood up too.

“Working, ah…our new storylines…” muttered Jill, “Right McT?”

“Right,” muttered McT.

“Jill this is drivel…I won’t do it!” said Dim throwing up her script in her air.

“Yeah Jill! This is tripe!” added Poisonwood, “I won’t do it either.”

“Oh…don’t be fussy…” said JFP crossing her arms, “It’s either super spy or Eterna Dim. McT’s worked hard on your scripts and I’m not going to throw them in the can just ‘cos they’re recycled.”

“Yeah! I worked hard on ‘em!” added McT, “I had to dig into the OLTL Bible for that stuff!”

“You’ll pay for this Jill if you force me to do this…” said Dim. Her eyes were bloodshot pi$$ed red.

“You know Dim, Poisonwood, can you say unemployment line?” grinned JFP.

Dim and Poisonwood looked at each other and growled.

RS noticed how the Picture Frame Boys were trying not to look inconspicuous.

“Fine Jill. Have it your way but I’m cutting you off from your New Orleans Special Herbal blend…” said Poisonwood.

“Robin, are you here to complain too?” asked JFP.

“Oh, no. I’m just here to watch the show,” said RS.

RS, Dim, and Poisonwood walked out. RS took Dim and Poisonwood aside, “Did you notice the Picture Frame Boys? Jill’s up to no good. Trust me. Be on the lookout for strange occurrences.”

“Gotcha’,” said Dim.

***************************************************************************************************************

Diva Dano met the QVC guy in the studio lobby. Dim and JSS were hanging out with DF and PE who had invited their fan club to come down for a studio tour. Jilly, the fan club president, wasn’t there yet but would be soon.

“So, do you want to give me a spot to sell my pin?” asked Diva Dano sweetly.

The QVC guy examined the pin, “Well…” he started.

Just then Diva Hickland walked in holding her pin, “Hey! QVC Guy! I’ve been looking for you. I got some fashion accessories I want to sell on your show. What are you doing here Dano?”

“So do I,” said Diva Dano, “What are you hocking?”

Diva Hickland held up her pin. The QVC guy held up Diva Dano’s pin.

The Divas sneered at each other.

“Ripping off my ideas again, huh Hickland?” asked Diva Dano crossing her arms.

“Who ripped who off? You ripped me off…” started Diva Hickland.

“I feel sorry for the QVC Guy…” whispered Dim in JSS’s ear.

The QVC guy was at a loss at what to do.

************************************************************************************************************

Dim walked onto the set of her Buchanan Enterprises office set dressed in a Botrina Tran Power Suit. JB and TG were all ready there. PC and JdP were also on the set. CTJ showed up too. Dim saw George the Cameraman flirting with…JFP! Dim’s mouth dropped. CTJ walked up to Dim, “Hey, doesn’t George always flirt with Poisonwood? Why’s he flirting with Jill of all people? She’s this week Flavor of the Week.”

“Something is definitely rotten in Denmark,” muttered Dim, “What’s that weird piece of machinery next to George’s camera?”

“I dunno, but I’ll check it out,” said CTJ.

Just then the director walked in and called for places. Dim walked up behind her desk and the director yelled ‘Action!’ The scene began.

Botrina sat behind her desk and signed paperwork. Asa and Max walked in.

“G.D., good work on the Chandler deal,” grinned Asa, “Put down what you’re doing and have some nip with me and Max.”

“Sure, G.D.,” said Botrina standing up.

Max poured the nip and handed out the shotglasses.

Botrina, Asa, and Max giggled as they downed their nip. Just then Det. West, Sykes, and Kevin walked in.

“Yuck!” exclaimed Botrina.

“Nice shirt Sykes,” deadpanned Max.

“Glad you like it,” said Sykes.

“What brings you waterats by?” demanded Asa.

“I brought ‘em by Asa,” said Kevin, “I got a tip on who’s been breaking in to the offices late at night…”

Botrina frowned, “Oh you must be a supersleuth…”

Kevin grinned, “I solved the mob mystery, didn’t I?”

Botrina gave her shot glass back to Max, “Fill her up. I need another shot to help me deal with these clowns.”

“Oh Botrina,” said Det. West, “I have this message for you. RJ wanted me to give it to you.”

“Thanks,” said Botrina taking the note. She read it and stuffed it in her pocket. It had secret instructions on it. Max gave her the glass.

“So, who’s been breaking in?” asked Asa.

“Who do you think?” asked Sykes crossing his arms, “Your granddaughter’s boyfriend, RJ Gannon.”

Botrina acted put out – yet again.

“You are so full of it Sykes!” yelled Asa, “You come over here just to harass my granddaughter with any old excuse. Well, the ride stops here Sykes!” rattled off Asa.

“Yeah!” said Max.

“Ditto for me,” said Botrina. She took the nip bottle from Max and walked over to Sykes and very deliberately poured it on him, “Now go changes your clothes and get out of my office. Go harass some poor mute rapist dude or something.”

“You’ll be sorry Botrina,” said Sykes storming out.

“That wasn’t nice Botrina – besides your boyfriend is a hoodlum…” ranted Kevin, “Who made you judge and jury?!”

“I’ve had it with your pansy @$$ Kevin,” said Botrina. She walked over to her desk and pulled out Montana BooBee’s old pistol and stuck it in Kevin’s face, “This gun makes me judge and jury. Now get out of my office!”

Kevin pouted, “I’m going to tell!”

“There’s Det. West,” said Botrina.

“I don’t see a thing,” said West feigning ignorance.

“I’m going to get away with sticking this gun in your face and a lot more if you don’t leave and take your false accusation against RJ with you!” said Dirty Botrina. She sounded just like Dirty Harry.

Kevin tucked his tail between his legs and walked out.

“Ah, G.D. what’s with the gun?” asked Asa.

“Relax,” said Botrina, “It’s a water pistol.”

The scene ended.

*******************************************************************************************************

The usual suspects, Dim, RS, CC the Newbie, ET, EP, JSS, DF, GT, and DJ were gathered in the makeup to gossip. Melissa the Make-up Chick and Alyssa the Hairdresser were also there.

“Who’s got the dirt on Super Soap Weekend?” asked CC.

“The Divas, Woodsy, me, Dave, Jason, Gina, Don, Kale, Hill, and Jill,” said ET. Alyssa “teased” ET’s hair.

“That oughta’ be one he!! of a plane ride!” said Dim.

“Hey! I heard this rumor that Lisa Peluso was coming to the show as Cassie,” said GT touching up her lipstick.

“Well, I don’t see it happening soon,” said DJ, “After Dim bought Kassie dePaiva a new wardrobe, Jill doesn’t have the funds to hire her.”

Dim just grinned, “Damn shame Jill can’t hire anymore FOJ’s ‘cos she don’t have the money.”

“You guys want the scoop on CC and SEW’s date?” asked DJ grinning.

“Hey!” fussed CC, “How did you get the scoop? I didn’t tell a soul!”

“It’s all over the internet,” said DJ, “On some messageboard called MediaDomain.”

“Aww…no…” muttered CC, “I need a ciggie…”

“Fess up Don. Let’s hear it,” said ET.

“SEW was dressed all in black and they went to see a Broadway play in a Black limo…”

“Oooh…Charissa…how romantic!” gusted EP.

CC turned Red.

“Then her and SEW went to that fancy Park avenue restaurant and drank expensive champagne…” added DJ.

“Yummy Charissa…you go girl…” gushed Melissa the Make-up Chick.

CC turned really red.

“And to finish off the evening, he took her for a carriage ride in Central Park topping off the evening with a kiss!!” finished DJ.

“A Kiss!” exclaimed RS.

CC turned lobster red.

“Was it closed mouth?” asked Alyssa.

“Was it opened mouth?” asked Dim.

“Soft and Sensual?” asked JSS.

“Full and tasty?” asked DF.

“Wet and moist?” asked EP.

“Screw it,” said CC lighting up a ciggie and setting off the ciggie buzzer, “It was…soft and sensual…”

Just then RC and MD walked in. The make up room got quiet real quick-like.

“Robin! Mark! What’s up?” asked RS.

MD was nervous. He ran his hand through his hair and picked his ear.

“Guys, I know I’m an FOJ but I’m a cool FOJ and Mark just told me something you guys need to know…” said RC crossing her arms.

“We’re listening…” said RS.

“You guys know why people are acting weird around here?” asked MD looking at the ground.

“No, why?” asked Dim. Just then CTJ and NP walked in. NP was carrying his dartboard.

“Jill’s got a subliminal podding machine on the set. She’s trying to pod the viewers…” said MD rubbing his nose, trying not to look guilty.

“And I know EXACUTLY where it is!” grinned CTJ.

“Oh! That’s evil!” exclaimed Dim.

“Well,” said RS, “Now that we know, I have a plan…”

*********************************************************************************************************

It was late in the evening. Dim was in her dressing room drinking H20, hanging out with TDS, EP, and JSS.

"So Poisonwood, what did the dead tell you today?" grinned JSS.

"Everything is Jill's fault," deadpanned Poisonwood, "Oh, and McT is fixing to serve up some drivel."

"So Tim, what have you been doing with your time off?" asked JSS.

"Snooping around Jill's office," grinned TDS.

"Got Scoop?" asked Dim.

"McT is writing a story involving Todd..." grinned TDS.

"I think you finally to the hang of this Tim!" exclaimed Dim.

"I know. And Flo comes back next week!" said TDS.

Just then, AngelaB, the dependable UPS girl arrived with a postcard for Dim. It was from Flo. Dim read, "Dear Dim, vacation was great. I got a drop dead gorgeous tan. I heard you found Jill's podding machine. Can't wait to help you blow it up. Love, Ciggies, and Watermelons, Your roomie, Flo."

"Flo is sooooo sweet," said EP.

"So, who's turn is it this week?" asked Dim.

TDS stood up, "I'll give it a shot."

"Go Tim go!" said JSS.

"I miss you...Rog. Man, you just gotta' come back!"

NEXT:
1. Dim, RS, FL, Hill, and CTJ blow up the podding machine.
2. The Divas try to influence the QVC guy.
3. Botrina's contact gives her a mission.
4. Flo got scoop.

This page hosted by Get your own FREE Home Page