Satire - Part 67 - "SO THAT'S THE SECRET - CRACKERJACK TATTOOS..."

This is a work of fiction. It is meant to be satirical in nature. . Initially published on 27 Aug 1999.

WHAT HAPPENS:
1. Poisonwood kills rumors
2. More Diva wars
3. Sophia/Botrina/Skye scheme…
4. TDS got scoop!

********************************************************************************************************

It was mid-morning. Everyone hung around the coffeepot on the set as the DePaivas were still taking bets on Stud of the Week. Dim put 5 bucks on SEW. RS did too. ES, JFP, and Diva Dano put their money on Mark Derwin. CC the Newbie walked up.

“Hey guys, what’s going in?” asked CC, “Why is everyone hanging around the coffeepot?”

“Diva Stud Wars. Mark Derwin or SEW,” said Dim.

“Hey! That’s a lot of pressure for a newbie like me. I need a ciggie…” fussed CC.

“C’Mon Newbie!” said Diva Hickland, “Who is your money on?”

CC dug into her pockets, “All I’ve got is 5 bucks and one ciggie. And you ain’t getting my ciggie!”

“Better hurry up Newbie – we’re closing bets in two minutes…” said JdP.

“Here. Put 5 bucks on SEW. I think he lit my ciggie once and I thought he was cute,” said CC giving KdP the money.

“Good pick CC,” said RS.

“Yeah. What she said,” said Dim.

“I’m stressed. I’m going outside for a smoke,” said CC.

JFP stood there at the coffeepot sucking away on 3 ciggies, “You’re gonna lose Newbie. I just know MarkieBaby is gonna win.”

“Jill, you are so cruel to smoke those ciggies in front of CC. You know she doesn’t have a contract,” said Dim crossing her arms.

“Well, no contract for Newbie until my Matinee Idol gets one,” said JFP firmly. She looked at JB. JB just grinned and ran his fingers through his hair.

“You just don’t want me to smoke in the building…” pouted CC. As she walked out, she ran across PC.

“Hey Newbie,” whispered PC, “I kinda like you so anytime you wanna sneak a smoke and I’m in my dressing room, you come on down.”

“Thanks dude,” said CC walking out. She sat down on the studio steps and pulled out her ciggie. Then, out of nowhere, SEW, all dressed in black, showed up and held out a lighter, lighting CC’s ciggie.

CC swallowed and looked into his eyes.

************************************************************************************************************

Meanwhile,
Back inside at the coffeepot…

Everyone was hanging around the coffee waiting with baited breath for the DePaivas to announce the Stud War winner. Diva Dano and Diva Hickland would look over their shoulders, make faces and stick their tongues out at each other.

Just then, TG walked up polishing his picture frame, “It’s almost as good as new Jill,” he grinned. RSW walked up with KMC, “He’s right here Jill.”

KMC grinned, “What’s up Jill?”

Jill held up a picture frame, “The Diva thought your old picture frame didn’t have enough gloss and got you another one. And since you’re a dear, old friend I’m giving you this picture frame in front of the cast and crew.”

“Thanks Jill,” sniffed KMC as he received his picture frame.

JB, KB, Diva Dano, ES, RSW, and RC clapped.

“Whoopee…” whispered Dim to RS.

RS held up her index finger and twirled it as if excited.

“POISONWOOD!” yelled JFP. “Look I want you to totally alienate this rumor about me and A Martinez…I’ll give you whatever you want…” said Jill crossing her arms.

“Really?” grinned Poisonwood, “I’ll go visit ABCDim and Liz2 today!”

Diva Dano crossed her arms and looked at Diva Hickland, “So Hickland what do you say we up the odds. Paint our dressing room purple if I win?”

Diva Hickland pouted, “No way. My stud is gonna win! I just know it!”

Just then MD walked in, “So guys, what’s up?”

Jill looked at MD with drool hanging out of her mouth and turned to ES, “Mark is gonna win. I just know it.”

“We got it! We got it!! We got the winner!!” said KdP all excited-like. JdP grinned.

“So, who is it?” fussed Diva Dano.

“Well?” pouted Diva Hickland.

“The winner is…”

***************************************************************************************************

Later on that afternoon, Dim walked onto the Palace Bar set dressed in a Botrina Tran power suit. CC the Newbie and RC were all ready there. RSW was sitting at the bar with MD. Melissa the Make-up Chick walked in carrying a crackerjack box.

“Hey Melissa, what’s the crackerjack box for?” asked Dim.

Just then KMC walked up holding his Ronald Reagan mask.

“Hi Dim. Hi Charissa. Hi Robin,” said KMC all nice and polite-like. He was a polite FOJ.

“Hi Kevin,” said Dim sincerely, “I just gotta’ say you’re the best Mute Rapist I know.”

KMC grinned, “Hey, Thanks Dim.”

Melissa dug into the crackerjack box and pulled out the prize. She gave the box to Dim and KMC held out his arm.

“So that’s the secret. Crackerjack tattoos…” said CC watching Melissa put the tattoo on KMC.

KMC grinned, “I’m flexible. Jill knows what she’s doing.”

“Besides,” said Melissa, “It’s all Jill can afford.”

“Places everyone!” yelled the director. Dim sat down at a table with CC and RC. KMC sat down at the bar all by himself. The director positioned George and yelled ‘Action!’. The scene began. “Well, I’m gonna stick it to Ben any day now…”grinned Skye.

“How are you gonna’ stick it to Sam, Trina?” asked Sophia sipping her drink.

“Well, I dunno. I’m having a hard time focusing on Sam. I don’t loathe him as much as I loathe Sykes, because Sykes is constantly harassing RJ and me. I stuck it to Sykes instead by turning down the volume in his cell phone. Since it’s too high tech for his 1970’s mind, he hasn’t figured out how to turn up the volume so he has to shout into it and it makes him look stupid,” grinned Botrina all proud of herself. “That’s good,” said Skye.

“Hey, who’s the cutie at the bar?” asked Sophia, “I wouldn’t mind sticking it to him.”

“That’s Ben Rappaport. I all ready stuck it to him,” fussed Skye.

“No – the other one…” pouted Sophia.

“My Dad?” said Botrina confused.

“No – him!” said Sophia pointing to Brian.

“Oh, I dunno but he looks like a mute rapist dude,” remarked Skye.

Botrina got up and walked up to Bo, “Dad, G.D. wants us to scheme against the Rappaports while he’s honeymooning and here you are fraternizing with the enemy…”

Bo threw down a beer, “Trina, I think Asa’s brainwashed you. Not all the Rappaports are evil.”

Ben grinned at Botrina.

Botrina crossed her arms, “You know Dad, you’re the one who sounds like they’ve been brainwashed – by Jill.”

The scene ended.

**************************************************************************************************

Dim and RS walked into JFP’s office with the mail. JFP was sitting behind her desk, puffing away on her ciggies, surrounded by her 10 rules of good soap opera by Douglas Marland wallpaper with her picture frames of TG, newly polished, JB, KB, and KMC on her desk.

“Give it to me straight girls,” said JFP leaning back in her chair.

“All right, Sam and Lindsay sizzle. Fans like them together….” started RS.

“Of course they do. They’re my friends. Fans ADORE Sam. They love how he licks his lips…” said JFP.

“Fans think Kelly has more chemistry with the mute rapist dude Brian than Joey,” said Dim.

“Of course they do. Kevin is an FOJ,” grinned JFP.

Just then JB walked in, “I got your new intercom right here Jill. It play five different turns including “The Twilight Zone” and “The Jeopardy Theme Song…”

“Good,” grinned Jill, “Get Kale in here to hook it up.”

RS and Dim rolled their eyes.

“Now, who’s hot?” asked JFP.

“Ah, Botrina and RJ. That’s it,” said Dim.

“Who’s not?” said JFP intently.

“Sam and Nora. Kevin and Grace. Bo and Lindsay. Sykes and Whoever. Viki, Ben and Skye…”

“You lie! My FOJ’s sizzle. I know they do!” fussed JFP.

“Sophia rocks! Give CC the Newbie a contract! writes one viewer,” read RS.

“No money in the budget,” fussed Jill, “Poisonwood keep making me buy her charm bags.”

“Only the best stars for ABC Daytime Jill, writes DeeDee. Hire back Roger Howarth! Keep Florencia Lozano! TnT2!” read Dim.

JFP rolled her eyes, “I don’t get it. Why do I still keep getting mail for Roger Howarth? Don’t they like Kevin McClatchy?”

“Maybe because fans want him back on the show?” suggested Dim.

“Fans don’t know what they want. They want Sam! They want Sykes! They want Ben!”

“She’s in denial again,” whispered RS to Dim, “I hate it when she gets like this.”

********************************************************************************************************

It was the end of the day. Dim was hanging out in her dressing room with EP, JSS, and TDS. FL was on vacation.

“So Jason, did you have a good time on Regis and Kathy Lee?” asked Dim drinking her H20.

“Regis was cool. He asked me some easy questions. I didn’t stutter too much,” grinned JSS, “BUT doing Howard with you was better.”

Dim and JSS flirted with each other.

“By the way, weren’t you just happy for SEW? He beat out Mark Derwin for Stud of the week,” grinned EP.

“I know Diva Hickland was excited,” said JSS, “She wants me to be her stud next week.”

“Hey! CC got a date out of it with SEW,” pointed out TDS.

“Jill was upset. She lost 20 bucks,” said Dim.

“And you know how stingy she is with money,” said EP.

“So Tim, got scoop?” asked Dim.

TDS grinned, “Yeah, sure. I got scoop. Expect lots of Sykes. Tons of Sykes. Loads of Sykes. And Sam too. Not enough RJ.”

“Typical,” said Dim.

Dim looked at EP, TDS, and JSS, “So who wants to say it this week?”

“Me. Me. Me,” said JSS jumping up and down.

“Okay Jason,” said Dim.

JSS got all serious and crossed his arms, “I miss you too Rog.”

NEXT:
1. Botrina and RJ stick to Sykes yet again.
2. Make-up room gossip. Will CC tell all about her date with SEW?
3. The Divas get dirty as they sling the MUD.
4. TDS got scoop.

This page hosted by Get your own FREE Home Page