Satire - Part 66 - "I THINK SOMEONE FORGET TO CLEAN THEIR PLUNGER..."

This is a work of fiction. It is meant to be satirical in nature. This week the satire is dedicated to the Testosterone Brigade. Initially published on 20 Aug 1999.

WHAT HAPPENS:
1. Fans storm the studio with toilet PLUNGERS. Forget the flushers…
2. The dePaivas take beats on whether McT will make Téa levitate while in a coma.
3. TG discovers his tarnished picture frame
4. The Divas argue over new Studs.
5. Flo got scoop.

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It was early in the morning. Dim walked out of the subway and to Starbuck’s to grab a cup of coffee before going to the studios. Hanging out in Starbuck’s was SM, RC, GT, ET, DJ, and HBS.

“Hey guys, what’s up?” asked Dim buying a coffee.

“Dim, did you get a haircut?” asked DJ.

“You look like…Jill…” whispered GT.

“It’s not that short!” protested Dim, “I do not look like Jill!”

“You’ve been hanging around Maura West and Lesli Kay Sterling from “As” on your off time again, haven’t you?” asked HBS.

“Well, I always did like Carly…” said Dim, “So, what’s the scoop?”

“We’ve got a problem…” said SM slurping on a mocha freezer.

“Yeah. There’s a bunch of irate fans hanging around the studio holding toilet plungers. No one gets in or out…” said HBS.

“I’m worried. I’m an FOJ…” fretted RC.

“But you’re a cool FOJ,” said DJ.

“What do they want?” asked GT.

“I think they have a list of questions they want JFP to answer - but I didn’t want to get too close without Poisonwood and her six foot long VooDoo hair pin,” said ET all nervous like.

“Guys! Look! We’re not FOJ’s - except for Robin and she’s cool. I propose the Plunger Brigade will let us through - if we hold hands tight and pray…” said Dim.

“Okay…” said HBS full of doubt.

RC swallowed, “I gotta’ get off this FOJ list…”

Jilly was leading the Plunger Brigade with a flusher at her side. Anna and Bo and Nora Fan were on the look out for Kale Brown with their Plungers held high. Snark and Pilar were waving their plungers in their hands along with many other irate fans. Dim and the gang walked up to them.

“It’s Hill! Hill! Can we get your autograph?” asked Jilly.

“Sure. But only if you’ll let us in the studio…” said Hill looking in her bag for a pen.

“We’ll let everyone in but Robin Christopher. She’s an FOJ!” said Snark.

RC swallowed, “This was not a good idea…”

DJ held her hand tight. He was bound and determined that no harm would come to her.

“Look, let’s make a deal,” said Dim, “Me and Robin bring JFP the mail everyday. We’ll bring her your questions and make her answer them if you let Robin Christopher in.”

“Okay,” said Jilly, “Sounds fair enough.”

“By the way, have you seen Kale Brown?” asked Bo and Nora Fan grinning at her plunger.

“We got some email for him…” grinned Anna.

“Ah, no, we haven’t,” said ET.

“Besides, he usually comes in through the back…” said SM sipping her mocha freeze.

“We didn’t know there was a back!” fussed Pilar.

Dim got the questions from Jilly and they all went inside.

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Meanwhile, in JFP’s office…

Jill was sitting behind her desk, sucking away on 3 ciggies, surrounded by Douglas Marland’s 10 rules of good soap opera wallpaper with pictures of Tim Gibbs, Kale Brown, John Bolger, and Kevin McClatchy on her desk. She was furiously writing notes on her snicker’s wrappers.

Tim, Kale, John, and Kevin walked in her office.

“What’s up boys?” asked JFP.

“I had to come in the back,” said Kale.

“Yeah, a bunch of irate fans are protesting your vision for the show with toilet plungers,” added KMC.

“I think some one forgot to clean their plunger,” said JB, “It stinks like grapefruit out there.”

TG checked out his picture frame. His mouth dropped, “Oh my God! Jill!”

“What? Can’t you see I’m busy?” said Jill puffing on her ciggies.

“My picture frame is tarnished…!!” fussed TG.

Jill picked up the picture frame and looked at it, “It sure is.”

“Aren’t you going to put some brasso on it?” asked TG pouting.

“Not today Tim. I’m busy…” said Jill, “I gotta’ keep McT on a tight leash or she’ll have Téa levitating in her hospital bed. Where’s Mark? He usually hangs out with you guys.”

“He made up some excuse about polishing his shoes or something…” said JB.

“Really?” said JFP rolling her eyes, “No picture frame for Mark. Maybe I’ll give it to…Don…”

TG continued to fuss about his frame.

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On the set…

The DePaivas were hanging out around the coffeepot taking bets. Dim and RS walked up.

“Kassie, what’s the odds on Téa levitating while in the hospital?” asked Dim.

“5 to 1,” said KdP checking her notepad, “Did you get a haircut?”

“Yeah - you look like Jill…” said JdP.

“Yes!!” said Dim, “I got a haircut. And I got the Carly Tenney ‘do’ from As the World Turns.”

“Well, there’s 3 to 1 odds on McT’s first storyline will involve Dorian having psychic visions,” said JdP.

RS’s mouth dropped, “No way! Didn’t Jill hire Madam Delphina for that stuff?”

SM walked up holding a stick of lipstick, “Hey, why do I have wear Kit Fisher pink all of sudden? I’ll put 5 bucks on Poisonwood Rosie spouting VooDoo hexes on Téa’s bed in an attempt to make her get better.”

JdP took the money.

Just then Diva Hickland and Diva Dano walked up.

“I want 10 on Mark Derwin!” said Diva Dano giving KdP the money.

“I want 10 on SEW - Man in Black,” said Diva Hickland giving JdP her money.

The DePaivas looked confused, “Mark and SEW? We don’t have…” fussed Kassie.

“You are taking bets on the stud of the week right?” asked Diva Dano seriously.

“We are now,” grinned JdP.

Just then the director walked in and called for places. George the Cameraman got in position. The DePaivas shed their bookie hats and everyone took their places on the Rodi’s set.

Blair and Dorian sat down at a table. Lindsay sat at the bar getting drunk. Rae hung out by the jukebox.

RC and KB rushed onto the set and KB joined Lindsay at the bar. The director yelled action and the scene began. Max, Botrina, and Skye walked into Rodi’s grinning and took a table. Blair flirted with Max. Botrina struck him upside his head.

“Unca’ Max! We’re here to scheme. Not flirt with the trash,” said Botrina.

Max frowned.

“Speaking of trash, aren’t those Rappaports at the bar?” pointed Skye.

“Looks like they’re getting tanked,” said Max.

Botrina got up and walked up to the bar and ordered a round of drinks.

“So Lindsay…” said tanked Sam, “Wanna’ go sleep off this buzz?”

“You’re place or mine?” grinned Lindsay.

Botrina raised an eyebrow, “You two are bumping nasty now? Is that a good idea? You might pro-create…”

“Pro-what?” slurred Sam.

Rae walked up, “Do you two need relationship counseling?”

Botrina got her drinks and went back to the tables, “Guys…I think Lindsay and Sam are going to bump nasty.”

“Ewewewewwww…” said Skye.

“Yuck,” said Max, “Don’t tell Asa.”

“How can we stop the Rappaports from pro-creating?” asked Max.

“This one is simple,” said Skye. She reached in her purse and pulled out a condom. She walked up to Sam.

“Now Sam…I think…” said Busybody Rae.

“Look, just wear this,” said Skye handing Sam the condom.

Sam raised an eyebrow.

The scene ended.

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Dim and RS walked into JFP’s office with the mail. Jill looked up from her desk.

“So girls, how’s that Plunger Brigade out there?” asked JFP dragging on her ciggies.

“Ah…they just had a few questions for you to answer…” said Dim holding a stack of questions.

“So what? I answer these questions they go away?” puffed JFP.

“Sure,” said Robin.

“All right. Fire away,” grinned JFP.

“Does JB snore?” asked Dim reading a question.

“Something fierce!” said JFP seriously. She leaned back in her chair and puffed on her ciggies.

“Jill,” read Robin, “You are a woman and quite frankly all your female characters lack strength or purpose without a man. Is this a policy you are following deliberately due to your personal experience?”

“What? What personal experience?” asked Jill scratching her head.

“Was it your deliberate intention to destroy or drive off many foundational characters?” read Dim.

Jill fussed, “Hey! Viki and Dorian are still around…”

“Why aren’t your romances cultivated?” read RS.

“Who wants cultivation? People sleep with each other on first dates! It’s all about insta-lust!” protested Jill, “Take a note. I need to get a new intercom.”

“How much butt kissing do you have to do on weekly basis in order to keep your job?” read Dim.

Jill just grinned, “I do a lot actually.”

“What influences your stories?” read RS.

Jill made a face. She wrinkled her brow. She puffed on her ciggies. She scratched her face, “Ah….well…this one’s a toughie…I guess it all boils down to if you’re an FOJ or not.”

Dim giggled as she read, “Just what in the living hell have you been thinking/snorting/smoking/inhaling/injecting over the past year and a half or so you stupid $hit?”

“Well, it all depends on my mood. When I’m crabby I smoke Poisonwood’s special blend…” said JFP puffing on her ciggies, “Next.”

“SEW writes, are you worried that a certain Fan Fic writer will sue you for stealing her creation of Fiona in Grace?” read RS.

“Who is the DIMWITT who didn’t copyright that character? I stole her fair and square…” said JFP proudly.

Dim rolled her eyes and read, “Is there insanity in your family?”

“Hell, no!” grinned JFP proudly.

“Do you have Sykes’s hairpieces made from your personal flying squirrel farm or are they imported?” read RS.

“Actually, I import them…from Canada…” grinned Jill, “They’re not as tough as I thought they would be.”

“Do you actually listen to Pete Lemay?” read Dim.

“Who is Pete Lemay? I know a Harding Lemay…” fussed Jill dragging on her ciggies.

RS read, “Jill, I heard rumors you slept with A Martinez. Any truth to that rumor? Is that why you wanted him for OLTL?”

JFP started gagging, “A is a dear friend. I see Poisonwood has a few rumors to kill. To totally stomp the life out of…”

“Is Botrina going to take RJ’s infatuation with Téa lying down? Enough with PodTrina! She should just give Téa a ticket to Switzerland to recover. Maybe Téa can end up with Todd over there ins the Swiss hospital,” read Dim.

“That’s a good idea. Possible story ideas in case Flo doesn’t want to resign…” puffed Jill on her ciggies.

“Are you consulting the psychic friends network for storyline ideas, and if so are these calls actually written into the show’s budget?” read RS grinning.

“Well, I do give Lea a call every so often…” admitted Jill, “Does that count?”

“Jill,” read Dim, “Can’t you grasp that by responding to what the fans what for OLTL the ratings and demos would rise?”

Jill scratched her ear, “Huh? Maybe if the fans responded to my vision the ratings and demos would rise.”

“How brain dead do you think viewers are that we need to have OLTL’s history clarified for us?” read RS.

Jill laughed as she puffed on her ciggie, “Pretty D@mn dead.”

“Do you read your fan mail and does it influence what we see on the screen?” read Dim.

“Well, I have Dim and Robin read the mail to me and I don’t pay it much attention,” said JFP sucking on her ciggies.

“No…no…the fans really love this show…no don’t be silly they really love you. Yes, of course, angst is the way to go. No, we don’t have a problem at all. Really. Have you seen a psychiatrist about this denial of yours?” read RS.

“What denial? I don’t deny a thing!” said JFP.

Dim and RS shook their heads.

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That evening, Dim and Flo were hanging out in their dressing room drinking H2o with TDS, EP, and JSS.

“Dim,” said FL, “Did JFP make you get that haircut?”

“Flo,” said Dim, “You should know better. I got a haircut because I wanted to get a haircut!” said a frustrated Dim.

“So Flo, where are you going on your vacation?” asked EP.

“Everywhere! Trust me…” grinned Flo.

“Well - we’re gonna miss you,” grinned TDS, “I’ll do the scoops for you.”

“Thanks Tim,” grinned Flo.

“What are we gonna do about Rog’s postcards?” asked JSS.

“Make sure Jill doesn’t get her hands on them,” said Flo.

“So Flo, got scoop?” asked Dim.

“So far I’ve seen no scripts were Téa levitates…” said Flo.

Just then reliable and trustworthy AngelaB delivered Flo her postcard. Flo read, “Flo, have a great vacation! Use sunscreen. Rog. P.S. I miss you too Flo.”

“I miss you too Rog,” said Flo.

NEXT:
1. Poisonwood kills rumors
2. More Diva wars
3. Sophia/Botrina/Skye scheme…
4. TDS got scoop!