Satire - Part 65 - "HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT LEVITATION AND PSYCHIC VISIONS?"

This is a work of fiction. It is meant to be satirical in nature. This week the satire is dedicated to the FOD Fan Club. Initially published on 14 Aug 1999.

WHAT HAPPENS:
1. Dim foils JFP’s Passions plots. (Thank God!)
2. Poisonwood meets up with George the Cameraman.
3. Carlotta discovers some…ah…extra meat in her meat locker.
4. JFP discovers some missing funds when she can’t pay her new FOJs.
5. Mail call - with special guest - Hill!!
6. RH does lunch with FL and hangs out around the studio.
7. Diva STUD wars!!
8. Flo got scoop.

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It was early in the morning. Dim, RS, and CC the Newbie, all dressed in black and wearing black snoop masks, tip-toe’d down the halls of the OLTL Studios. When they got in front of JFP’s office door they did a quick check to make sure they had everything. Then Dim, using a six foot long VooDoo Hair Pin pick, she borrowed from Poisonwood Rosie, picked open the door to JFP’s office and they slinked inside.

“Okay, now were do you think those snicker’s wrappers are with Jill’s “Passions” plots?” asked CC as they walked up to JFP’s desk.

RS started snooping around JFP’s desk and found them in the top drawer. A big piece of paper lying over the wrappers said “Passions plots.” Dim wiped out her bunch of snickers wrappers and gave them to Robin switching the Passions one.

Robin read as she switched wrappers, “Lindsay has an affair with Andrew. Téa and Roseanne fight some more. Botrina makes Buchanan Enterprises an international conglomerate. RJ kicks Sykes’s a$$. Dorian gets gaslighted. Bo and Nora have wild, passionate sex in the Buchanan Limo. Kevin’s son comes to town. Reminder: Kill the serial rapist thing. We did that once before all ready.” RS then shoved the wrappers in the drawer.

“I bet when Pete Lemay, Gillian Spencer, and Dick Backus show up to collect their snickers wrappers Jill won’t even have noticed that we switched ‘em” grinned Dim sitting on JFP’s desk.

“Hope you don’t catch cooties sitting on that desk,” said CC switching a few of her ciggies with JFP’s herbal blend.

“Watch this,” grinned Dim picking up TG’s picture frame, “I’m gonna tarnish the thing.” She took her black gloves and smeared the frame.

“Tim will FREAK!” said CC.

“You don’t say?” grinned RS.

As they slithered out of JFP’s office they ran into PM, NP, and CTJ.

“Up to no good?” asked NP. He was holding a dartboard with a new “Flavor of the Week” picture in the middle, John Bolger. CTJ was holding the darts. And a grapefruit.

“Nah…just saving us from having Jill recycle Passions plots,” said CC.

“What are you guys doing here?” asked Dim.

“We’ve got some more pimping for Sykes to do,” frowned PM.

“Gratuitous Diner scenes, huh?” asked Dim.

“Yep,” said CTJ.

“Well, see you in the make-up room,” said Dim. They slithered off.

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Later on that morning…

JFP was puffing away on her ciggies, still surrounded by the 10 Rules of Good Soap Opera by Douglas Marland wallpaper which she hadn’t bothered to read, sitting behind her desk when EP, dressed as Poisonwood Rosie, walked in.

“What do you need now Jill?” fussed Poisonwood.

“I need you to bust out George the Cameraman. He’s a big gossip. He’s been leaking out to the press that Roger Howarth has been seen around the studio and Laura Koffman might come back. Put an end to his ways…” said JFP puffing on her ciggies and blowing smoke into the air.

“What’s in it for me?” asked Poisonwood putting her hands on her hips.

“How come you always gotta get something?” asked JFP.

“No one works for free,” grinned Poisonwood.

Just then, HL, GS, and RB stuck their heads in JFP’s office, “Got this week’s snickers wrappers Jill?” asked Dick Backus.

JFP pulled out her “Passions” wrappers and gave them to RB. The writers left.

“All right, what do you want?” asked JFP reaching for her checkbook.

“I need a few bucks for a new charm bag, fresh chicken bones. I’m getting low on Mardi Gras beads and VooDoo Doll pins…” rattled off Poisonwood.

JFP went to write Poisonwood a check and noticed some funds missing, “Um….I seem to have some funds missing. I hope I can afford to pay my new FOJ’s.”

Just then MD walked in, “Jill, I think something is wrong.”

“Really Mark? What?” asked JFP puffing away on her ciggies.

“John Bolger didn’t come by to drag me to your office,” said MD crossing his arms.

“You know,” said JFP, “I haven’t seen my FOJ’s all morning,” she held up Poisonwood’s check.

Poisonwood grabbed the check and walked out.

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Meanwhile….On the Carlotta’s Diner set…

Dim and RS were gabbing with George the Cameraman, whispering and acting sly. Suddenly Dim and RS smiled and walked off. George went to grab the phone to call ABCDim and came face to face with…Poisonwood Rosie, Rumor Killing VooDoo Queen.

“Look dude,” said Poisonwood holding up a VooDoo Doll with a chicken bone in it’s hair, “I gotta shut you down from spreading rumors.”

“Are you going to hex me or something Poisonwood?” grinned George flirting with her, “You know, I wouldn’t mind if you…”

“Look here Dude, I’m engaged!” said Poisonwood, “You can’t con your way out of this by flirting with me.”

“It was worth a try,” grinned George.

While Poisonwood was fussing with George, Diva Dano was sitting at any empty diner booth reviewing her script. Diva Hickland walked up and took a seat opposite Diva Dano. Diva Dano looked up.

“Look Hickland, can’t we find some way to friendly fuss for a bit? All this feuding is wearing me down,” said Diva Dano, “I’m running out of Purple colored stuff…”

“I agree. There’s better things to fuss about - like me,” said Diva Hickland, “Dressed in pink.”

“But Hickland - we’re both married!” fussed Diva Dano.

“But Dano - we’re not dead. Now me personally, I think David Fumero is Mr. Hot…” grinned Diva Hickland, “He’s my STUD for the week.”

“But Hickland - John Bolger’s blue eyes are to die for. He’s a matinee idol…” said Diva Dano grinning, “He’s my STUD for the week.”

“Fumero!”

“Bolger!”

“So how are we going to prove the studilest of them all?” asked Diva Hickland.

“Okay,” said Diva Dano, “Who’s done the most love scenes on the show?”

“Easy! I win! David has more than Bolger!” grinned Hickland.

Diva Dano frowned, “Not for much longer if I get my way!”

Just then Dim, TDS, DF, and PM on a rare day she HAD to come in to work, walked onto the set all dressed in character. Diva Dano threw out her script. The director walked onto the set, positioned the cameras and yelled ‘Action!’ The scene began.

Cris and Carlotta were fussing behind the counter. Botrina and RJ walked in and took a seat at the bar. Rae and Lindsay were gabbing in a booth.

“RJ, do you really need some more money to finance your new club?” asked Botrina.

“I’ve got cost over runs Trina. It’s not my fault Sykes keeps riding my a$$,” said RJ.

Rae peered over their shoulder, “Do I sense the need for some relationship counseling?”

“Take a hike chick,” said Botrina crossing her arms, “This is none of your business.”

“You’re a rude one,” said Rae.

Just then a loud banging noise filled the diner.

“What’s that Mami?” asked Cris wiping a dish.

“Sounds like it’s coming from the meat locker," grinned Carlotta. Her and Cris ran out back. Botrina and RJ followed. Carlotta opened the meat locker expecting to find meat and everyone looked inside.

“Oooowww….look - freshly preserved FOJ…” grinned Botrina.

Sam, Sykes, Kevin, and Brian the FOJ Newbie were in the meat locker freezing their butts off.

RJ laughed, “How did you guys get in there?”

Sam walked out in a huff with frozen drool hanging from his lip, “I don’t know but I put my money on Asa.”

“Who are you?” asked Botrina looking at Brian.

“You don’t want to know,” said Brian shaking his head.

The scene ended.

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Lunchtime…

It was lunchtime and Dim and Flo were hanging out in their dressing room cussing over their pathetic scripts.

“Man, I can’t believe what they have Téa doing while I’m on vacation. This is ridiculous!” fussed FL.

“Trust me Flo, it could have been a lot worse had the writers gotten their hands on Jill’s Passions plots,” said Dim. She looked at Flo, “I see I’ll be adlibbing again. Botrina would never say crud like this.”

Just then there was a knock on the door. Flo got up and answered it.

“Rog!”

“Flo!”

Rog grinned as he smiled at Flo. He wore a pair of blue jeans and a T-shirt. His hair was shoulder length and he had a goatee.

“You look good Rog,” said FL, “Glad to see your hair is growing out.”

“So do you. Let’s do lunch,” said RH, “I’ve got lots to tell you.”

“Hi Rog,” said Dim.

“Hi Dim,” said Rog.

“Okay,” said FL, “I’ll be back in time for hair and make-up.”

Dim just grinned.

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Later that afternoon…

The usual suspects, DJ, DF, JSS, ET, EP, GT, Dim, CC the Newbie, and RS were hanging out in the make-up room. RC, TDS, KdP, and JdP had makeup scheduled. Also present were ES and MD. They were just hanging out because they wanted to hear the gossip. NP and CTJ showed up with their dartboard. PM, HBS, and PE showed up to have Alyssa the hairdresser hook them up. PC was looking for his nip. FL rushed in late with RH right behind her.

“Rog!” exclaimed TDS, “What brings you by?”

“I just thought I’d hang out,” said RH.

“Sorry I’m late guys,” said FL, “Did I miss any good scoop?”

Just then JFP walked in followed by her crew of FOJ’s and a short blonde hair woman, “Guys I have an announcement to make,” said JFP puffing on her ciggies, “This is Meagan McTavish. I just hired her.”

For once, the gossip crew was speechless.

“Hi everyone. It’s nice to meet you,” said McT, “I’ve got some great ideas. Now who plays Téa?”

“I do,” said FL raising her hand, “What’s up?”

“How do you feel about levitation and psychic visions?” asked McT, “I hear you’re fixing to go on vacation and Téa will be in a coma for 3 weeks while you’re gone.”

FL looked at RH and swallowed.

McT grinned, “Psych!”

“That’s not funny,” muttered Dim to RS.

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It was time for mail call and Hill gave RS a break and did mail call for her. Dim and Hill walked into JFP’s office carrying bundles of mail. They dropped their bundles of mail on JFP’s desk.

“Where’s Robin?” asked JFP puffing away on her ciggies.

“Robin needed a break so I thought I’d help out. Besides I thought I’d get a few things off my chest,” said Hill. She opened a package addressed to her from Anna and Jilly. It was a supply of chapstick.

“Oh? Like what Hill?” asked JFP.

“Like I’m sick in tired of playing brain dead Nora everytime I’m a scene with Sam…” started Hill.

“Well, Sam is a superstud. Nora’s just flabbergasted in his presence…” explained JFP.

“And when Alyssa doesn’t do my hair it looks pretty darn nappy,” continued Hill.

“Alyssa can’t do everyone’s hair…” said JFP dragging on her ciggies.

“And you owe me 3 toilet flushers,” finished Hill.

“Well, if I had the money I’d reimburse you but someone tapped my checkbook,” fussed Jill, “Now give it to me straight girls.”

“Sykes and Rae are a hit. They have Undeniable Smoldering Desire…” said Dim.

“His name is John. Call him John! Why can’t anyone use his name?” pouted Jill.

“Whatever,” said Dim.

“AMC sent us a box of lipstick in Kit Fisher pink,” said Hill, “They thought we need it.”

“Oh! How wonderful of them!” grinned JFP opening it up and trying out the shade on herself.

“Fans are upset saying your serial rapist stuff is a pathetic attempt to create your own Todd Manning,” read Dim, “FIX IT NOW Jill, they write.”

“So what if it is?” said Jill pursing her lips together.

“Will makes me ill wrote a fan,” read Hill.

“Use a barf bag,” said JFP.

“Dorian ROCKS. RS deserves an Emmy nomination,” read Dim.

“How come nobody says my FOJ’s deserve an Emmy nomination? I can’t figure it out. They’re in all the HOTTEST stories…” fussed Jill.

“I don’t know how you do mail call week after week…” said Hill.

“I don’t either,” said Dim.

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It was the end of the day. Dim and Flo were in their dressing room drinking H2O with EP, TDS, and JSS.

“So Flo, when does your vacation start?” asked JSS.

“Next week. And let me tell you I’m looking forward to it,” grinned FL.

“It was good to see Rog again,” said TDS, “So Flo - what’s the beef? Rog resigning?”

Flo blushed, “My lips are sealed.”

“So Flo, got scoop?” asked EP.

“You shoot Téa and she’s near death,” said Flo.

Just then AngelaB, the UPS girl, showed up with a postcard for Flo.

Flo read, “Stay away from McT or you might start having psychic visions…Rog. P.S. I miss you too Flo.”

“I miss you too Rog,” said FL.

NEXT:
1. Fans storm the studio with toilet PLUNGERS. Forget the flushers…
2. The dePaivas take beats on whether McT will make Téa levitate while in a coma.
3. TG discovers his tarnished picture frame
4. The Divas argue over new Studs.
5. Flo got scoop.