Satire - Part 64 - "CARLOTTA HAS A MEAT LOCKER IN THE DINER..."

This is a work of fiction. It is meant to be satirical in nature. Initially published on 07 Aug 1999.

WHAT HAPPENS:
1. Poisonwood and Jessica the Rebel are hired to spy on “Passions”.
2. JFP finds out who’s been spreading those nasty RH/LK rumors…George the Cameraman.
3. Botrina, Asa, and Skye scheme…
4. Mail Call is back!
5. Flo got scoop.

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It was early in the morning. Dim, Flo, Hill, RS, RC, and KdP were hanging out around the coffeepot drinking Java and going over scripts.

“Sooner or later Dim, Jill is going to notice her checkbook missing,” commented RS slugging down some Java.

Dim turned to KdP, “Look, Ragweed, I ripped off the checkbook to buy you a decent wardrobe. Now I need your help to return it.”

“Sure Dim, no problem. But how are we going to get past the FOJ crew?” asked Ragweed.

“I can get you guys past Jill’s crew,” said RC grinning.

“Really? You’ll help? But you’re an FOJ,” said Dim in shock.

“But I’m a cool FOJ,” grinned RC.

“Can you get Jill to cut back on Sam and Nora scenes?” asked HBS with a gleam in her eye.

“That one could be a toughie,” said RC slurping down some Joe.

“Robin, I just want to thank you, once again, from the bottom of my heart…” started FL.

“Flo, hey…no really - I understand - I know what it’s like to flunk a chemistry class with your co-star…” grinned RC.

Just then EP, dressed as Poisonwood Rosie and ET, dressed as Jessica the Rebel with her James Dean jacket, walked in.

“You won’t guess!” exclaimed Poisonwood.

“What?” asked RS.

“Jill just hired us to go spy on “Passions!” said ET.

Poisonwood grinned, “They got a witch I heard!”

“We’re doomed!” exclaimed Dim.

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Meanwhile…In JFP’s office…

Jill was puffing away on her ciggies and slurping coffee surrounded by her Douglas Marland wallpaper. KB, TG, and JB walked in dragging poor MD with him.

TG went to check out his picture. The frame had been newly cleaned.

JB fussed, “I don’t want him Jill! He’ll only take away from my sex appeal!”

“Huh?” asked Jill clueless as to what JB was fussing about.

“Oh, just suck it up John,” said MD crossing his arms and rolling his eyes.

“Yeah! And if she comes back - I think you should put some closure to their relationship,” added TG firmly.

“What on Earth are you two talking about?” asked Jill.

“We heard rumors that Roger Howarth and Laura Koffman were coming back…” said KB concerned.

“What? After how careful I was NEVER to show Todd and Téa and Kevin and Cassie flashbacks? Where did you hear this from?” asked Jill stressing out. She lit another ciggie.

“George the Cameraman,” said JB gleefully, happy to dime George the cameraman out.

Jill pouted, “So George the CAMERAMAN is leaking out all my TOP SECRET storyline information?! I’ll have to sic Poisonwood on him!”

MD fidgeted, “Isn’t Poisonwood on assignment?”

Jill dragged on her ciggies, “Yeah. Damn!”

“Maybe you could have Dim and Robin Strasser do it?” suggested KB.

“Are you kidding? I bet George the CAMERAMAN got his scoop from them! Now scoot. Go find out what else George is putting out there!”commanded Jill.

As they walked out, RC, Dim, and KdP walked in. Jill’s eyes bugged out to see the trio.

“Ain’t this a combo. What are you doing hanging out with Dim and Kassie, Robin?” asked Jill putting her hands on her hips.

“We’re…ah…bonding…” muttered KdP.

“Yeah…” added Dim.

“Are those new clothes, Kassie? You don’t look like such a…ragweed…” said Jill puffing on her ciggies.

“Well…” stammered KdP.

RC walked up to JFP’s desk, “Jill, where’s my pic?”

“Jill turned around with her back to her desk, “Right here on the wall next to Linda Dano’s. Do you want me put it next to John’s?”

Dim slithered up to RC and put the checkbook under a stack of snicker’s wrappers.

JFP turned around, “Want your pic up there next to Robin’s Dim?”

Dim freaked. She looked at her watch, “Ah…Jill…me and Kassie gotta go…ah…we’re due in make-up…”

Dim and KdP rushed out leaving RC with JFP.

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Meanwhile, on the set…

Diva Hickland was waiting for RSW to finish his scene. She was dressed in pink.

“Hickland!” yelled Diva Dano as she walked onto the set holding up an issue of TV Guide, “So you’re an all American kinda’ chick huh?” Diva Dano was decked out in a purple power suit, “I see you made TV guide at the expense of MY lasagna recipe roomie!”

Diva Hickland played coy, “I tried to find you…”

“Right,” said Diva Dano crossing her arms, “You know that pink picture frame with the pic of you and Michael Knight?” grinned Diva Dano.

Diva Hickland’s mouth dropped, “You didn’t!” Her eyes bugged out.

Diva Dano held up a purple picture frame with the pic in it.

Diva Hickland pouted.

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Dim walked onto the set of Buchanan Enterprises dressed in a power suit. JdP,PC, and RC were all ready there. RC looked sharp in her new wardrobe. The director, Joe Cognutu, positioned the cameras, including George the Cameraman and yelled ‘Action!’ The scene began.

Botrina sat behind her desk making business deals. Asa walked in followed by Max and Skye.

“G.D. You know Max here is your new Uncle!” said Asa reaching for some nip.

Botrina and Max glared at each other remembering their past affair.

“And this here is Skye Chandler…a born schemer like us…” said Asa grinning.

Skye and Botrina shook hands and everyone sat down.

“So who are we scheming against?” asked Botrina with an evil gleam in her eye.

“People we can’t stand and clutter up Llanview with their stench. SnakeLady for one. Who can’t you stand Max?” asked Asa.

“Sam Rappaport?” stammered Max giving the politically correct Buchanan answer.

“What about you Skye? Who do you detest?” asked Asa.

“Ben Davidson…” spat Skye sipping Perrier water.

“Botrina? Who just turns your stomach?” asked Asa.

“Sykes. And don’t ask me what his first name is,” said Botrina sneering while crossing her arms, “Calling him by his first name isn’t going to make me like him any more than I all ready don’t.”

“I say we get ‘em together and lock ‘em in all up in a meat locker,” said Max.

“That’s a great idea. Carlotta has a meat locker down at the diner!” exclaimed Botrina, “Good thinking…Uncle Max.”

Max grinned.

“No funny business you two - you’re related now,” said Asa firmly.

Skye raised her eyebrow and the scene ended.

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Dim and RS got JSS and DF to help them with the mailbags since they were full of letter of praise over Lindsay’s trial and Dorian’s confession.

“You guys are the best! Thanks for helping us with the mail,” said Dim carrying a stack of letters.

“Well, I’d rather be an FOD than an FOJ any day of the week,” said DF.

“What’s an FOD?” asked RS.

“Friend of Dim’s,” grinned JSS. He flirted with Dim.

They went into JFP’s office and dropped the mail down on her desk. JFP was puffing away on her ciggies while lining up her snickers wrappers, “Give it to me straight guys,” said JFP crossing her arms.

RS read, “Dorian’s confession ROCKED the house. Strasser shined! Hickland Rocked! Nora Rattled! Give them emmys. Now,” read RS.

“Goodie for you Robin,” said JFP puffing her ciggies, “What about my FOJ’s?”

“Sykes is wooden, stale and has man-boobs,” read DF.

“The fan obviously can’t tell a matinee idol when they see one,” said JFP.

“JFP ROCKS! She’s a great a producer!” read Dim gagging on that letter.

“Who wrote that! That’s an FOJ if I ever saw one!” exclaimed Jill.

JSS read, “Sykes has undeniable smoldering chemistry with Rae! Pair these two up now!”

JFP put her hands on her hips, “Why does everyone still call him Sykes? His name is JOHN.”

Dim turned to RS, “Jill’s version of a makeover. Just change his name and everyone will love them.”

“Ms. Phelps,” read DF, “Are you too CHEAP to hire a headwriter? Is that why the show has gone ten months without one?”

“Cheap? Me?” grinned Jill, “Where’s my checkbook? I can afford to hire all my FOJ’s.”

“Nora and Sam Stink,” read RS.

“Bwhahahah!” laughed Jill, “You’re stuck with them!”

Just then Poisonwood Rosie and Jessica the Rebel busted in with big grins on their faces.

JFP dragged on her ciggies and sat down at her desk, “So girls, give me the scoop on Passions.”

“We got that show beat hands down!” exclaimed ET.

Poisonwood jingled her charmbag, “Tabitha the Witch is really cool. Gave me a bunch of new charms and stuff for my bag.”

“They got a character who used to be Princess Di’s friend…” added ET.

“They have Charity, Faith, and Grace…” threw in Poisonwood.

“They have a real headwriter,” said ET.

Jill wrote down notes furiously on her snicker’s wrappers.

“Getting any ideas Jill?” asked Dim.

Jill grinned, “Did you know Sam taught JFK Jr. in law school?”

DF, JSS, RS, Dim, Poisonwood, and ET groaned.

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It was the end of the day. Dim, TDS, FL, EP, and JSS were hanging on Dim and Flo’s dressing room drinking H20.

“Guys, it’s time to get scared,” said EP, “Jill got some fresh new recycled ideas.”

“I heard,” said TDS, “Sykes once dated Carolyn Bessette?”

“My stomach can’t take much more!” groaned Dim, “We gotta burn those snickers wrappers!”

“So Flo, got scoop?” asked JSS.

“Roseanne places Téa’s life in danger,” grinned FL.

Just then, AngelaB, the UPS Girl, showed up with a postcard for Flo.

Flo read, “Téa is way too hard on herself. Lighten up! She’s beginning to sound like…Todd. LOL!! Let’s do lunch next week and compare hair. Rog. P.S. I miss you too Flo.”

“I miss you too Rog,” said Flo sadly.

NEXT:
1. Dim foils JFP’s Passions plots. (Thank God!)
2. Poisonwood meets up with George the Cameraman.
3. Carlotta discovers some…ah…extra meat in her meat locker.
4. JFP discovers some missing funds when she can’t pay her new FOJs.
5. Mail call - with special guest - Hill!!
6. RH does lunch with FL and hangs out around the studio.
7. Diva STUD wars!!
8. Flo got scoop.