Satire - Part 63 - "YOU WANNA BE RAGWEED BLAIR?"

This is a work of fiction. It is meant to be satirical in nature. Initially published on 31 Jul 1999.

WHAT HAPPENS:
1. Tim Gibbs tries to get his picture frame back.
2. Dim goes a shopping spree with KdP on JFP’s checkbook.
3. Reaction to Jill’s new opening credits.
4. Diva Hickland’s revenge.
5. Flo got scoop.

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It was early in the morning. Dim and Flo had an early morning wardrobe call. As they walked into the wardrobe room they caught up with KdP and JdP who were fussing over their wardrobe and RC and Melissa the Makeup Girl who doubled as the Wardrobe Chick as well.

“Hi Guys. Hi Melissa. Hi Robin,” said Dim and Flo in stereo.

“Jimmie…I can’t believe it! Now they’ve got me wearing hand-me-downs from Erika Page!” fussed KdP holding up some mid-riff and skirt combo.

“Well, it could be worse. Some of my wardrobe is still from 96!” pouted JdP.

Dim went to the sections were her power suits were at and picked through them, “If it wasn’t for the Testosterone Brigade giving me my power suits, my wardrobe would be lacking too…”

Flo held up her yellow thingie, “I can honestly say I’ve had this for a while.”

RC, who was having her wardrobe fitted by Melissa the Wardrobe Chick looked sad, “Guys, I feel bad. I’ve got a brand new wardrobe and it’s painfully obvious you need a need one too.”

“Robin,” said JdP, “Yours is understandable. You’re a new contract player. You need a new wardrobe. Don’t feel bad.”

RC smiled and felt better.

“Speaking of contracts,” said Melissa taking measurements, “You know how much Jill forked over for John Bolger’s wardrobe?”

Dim, Flo, KdP, and JdP’s eyes lit up, “How much?” they asked. Everyone knew JB didn’t have a contract.

JdP held up his hand, “Waitaminute. Whisper it in my ear.”

Melissa went over and whispered in his ear.

JdP passed right out.

“Jimmie!” fussed KdP kneeling over trying to revive him.

“If Jimmie dePaiva passed right on out I don’t want to know…” deadpanned Dim as her and Flo watched JdP finally open his eyes.

RC’s eyes grew wide, “Is John Bolger really detested that much? He was so well liked at Another World.”

“Robin,” said FL grinning, “You can have him.”

JdP finally stood back up, recovered from the shock. KdP looked relieved.

“I am not wearing Erika Page’s voodoo looking hand-me-downs!” exclaimed KdP putting her hands on her hips, “I am not Poisonwood!”

Dim grinned, “You wanna be Ragweed Blair?”

KdP smiled, “I like that. It has potential.”

Melissa spoke up as she wrote down RC’s measurements on the notepad, “Why don’t you just put the grab on Jill’s checkbook and go on a shopping spree?”

Dim’s face lit up, “That’s a great idea! Count me in!”

“Not me,” said FL, “I gotta’ try and stay out of trouble.”

“You’re such a goodie-goodie Flo,” said Dim teasing her roomie.

“Count me in. My wardrobe is desperate and I’m sick of looking like a Ragweed,” said KdP, “What’s the plan?”

Dim and KdP plotted.

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Meanwhile, in another part of the studio near Jill’s office…

RS, GT, DJ, CC the newbie and SM were walking down the hall going to tape a scene. Sue was slurping on one of those Starbuck’s mocha drinks, CC was counting the ciggies in her pack and RS was talking to GT about yoga techniques.

“Hey guys, has anyone seen Michael McGee around? He plays Barnes…” grinned CC.

“I hear Barnes is gay,” said DJ.

“Yeah, but is Mike? That guy is too drool for,” noted CC.

Just then, Angela Shapiro, the head of the ABC Daytime blew past them followed by three flunkies. AS looked royally pissed. She flung open Jill’s office door with gusto, “Jill!” she screeched, “We need to talk!” AS’s flunkies followed her in and AS slammed the door.

RS, GT, DJ, CC, and SM stopped dead in their tracks.

“Uh-oh…” said DJ, “Jill’s in trouble.”

“Angela Shapiro looked pi$$ed…” added GT.

SM slurped up the last of her mocha drink.

They could hear muffled shouts coming from the door.

“I bet Jill’s having a nicotine fit since she can’t smoke around Ms. Shapiro,” said CC all politely.

Robin’s eyes lit up, “Sue, gimme that empty mocha cup.”

“Sure,” said Sue handing it to RS.

Robin went over to the closed door and used the cup to listen to Ange and Jill’s conversation that was defiantly one sided. Everyone else hovered around her.

“Robin! What’s happening?” fussed DJ.

“Okay - Ange is reaming Stupid a$$ Jill as she’s calling her, a new you-know-what hole because of the opening credits…” whispered Robin.

“Why? Because I’m not on them?” asked CC.

GT crossed her arms, “The word does not revolve around Charissa. You’re not on contract. Non-contract players don’t get in the credits.”

“I’m negotiating one,” fussed CC.

“Sscchh!” whispered Robin, “All right, it seems the big boys at Disney find the opening credits offensive and think they’re soft porn.”

“I knew something was up,” said GT to DJ, “When you had to lick my neck.”

DJ grinned, “Hey! I thought it was sexy.”

Sue looked confused, “Well I’m a contract player so how come I wasn’t in the opening credits?”

“Rumor has it you and Kevin snooze…” said CC.

“Sscchh!” whispered Robin, “Yes! Ange is pulling Jill’s porno credits and re-instating the old ones. Jill just asked if she could put a ciggie in her mouth promising not to light it.”

CC started giggling.

“Uh-oh…” said Robin peeling away from the door, “Scatter! Ange is coming out!”

RS, GT, DJ, CC, and SM bolted away from the door and tried to look casual. AS flung open the door and waltzed down the hallway still looking pi$$ed. Her three flunkies followed.

RS, GT, DJ, CC, and SM all looked at each other and giggled.

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Later on that day after lunch…

The usual suspects, RS, DJ, DF, JSS, ET, EP, GT, FL, and CC the newbie gathered in the make-up room. NP and CTJ who, by some stroke of luck, were taping that day as well, were hanging out too.

“Guys…I got scoop,” grinned DJ, “Jill got her a$$ reamed for the new opening credits and now we’ve got the old ones back.”

ET looked happy, “Boy am I glad. I felt downright naked in that skimpy two piece bikini.”

“At least you made the new credits,” said CC.

“So, Dave, now that you’re Jill’s new picture boy, what are you going to do with your new found influence?” asked NP as he fussed with some hair gel.

DF wrinkled his brow, “Really? Being Jill’s new picture boy gives me influence?”

Alyssa the hairdresser, who was brushing out FL’s hair said, “Yep. It sure does. You can get whatever you want now. You’re an FOJ.”

“Dave’s an FOJ,” teased DJ and JSS.

“Am not!” pouted DF.

“Dave, why don’t you tell Jill that now is the perfect time to unite Renee and Cris on screen?” suggested RS, “Just tell Jill you fizzle with Poisonwood.”

“I thought we sizzled,” said EP, dressed as Poisonwood Rosie.

“Yeah! Jill’s mighty generous to her FOJ’s. I know,” said FL, “She loves kissing JB’s a$$.”

“Do it Dave! Do it!” chanted the crew, including NP and CTJ.

“That’s it!” said DF all hyped up, “I’m gonna ask Jill to give Cris and Renee a love scene!”

“You mean a porno scene,” said CTJ.

Just then Dim and KdP walked in. KdP was carrying a new wardrobe and Dim had JFP’s checkbook.

KdP was all happy, “Crew - I just got Ragweed a new wardrobe.”

“Does Jill know?” asked ET.

“No,” said KdP.

“Don’t throw out your old rags then,” said DJ.

“The only way Jill will figure it out is if she balances her checkbook,” grinned Dim, “Now I just gotta sneak it back inside her office.”

“I dunno about that,” said Poisonwood, “I know first hand how Jill likes to pinch pennies.”

“Dim - girl - you are so bad…” said CTJ.

“But I’m good at it,” grinned Dim.

Just then, Diva Hickland rushed into the make-up room all proud of herself, “Guys, guess what.”

“What?” deadpanned RS.

“I got Diva Dano back but good this time,” said Diva Hickland all excited like.

“How did you stick it to Diva Dano?” asked CC all respectful like.

“Well,” said Diva Hickland holding up the latest issue of TV guide, "They called looking for Diva Dano because she does a recipe for lasagna but Diva wasn’t in so I took the call and convinced them to use my recipe instead.”

“Diva Dano is not going to be happy. I know she was really looking forward to giving out her lasagna recipe,’ said JSS, “She was raving about it for the past week.”

“I know,” grinned Diva Hickland, “She even made me try some while we were hanging out in our dressing room.”

“Yeah. She was passing it out like it was candy,” added DJ.

Dim grinned, “Diva Hickland - you’re just an All American kinda chick, aren’t you?”

“Uh-huh…” grinned Diva Hickland pleased with herself.

“You know Diva Dano will strike back,” said GT.

“Bring it on!” grinned Diva Hickland, “Diva Dano don’t scare me none.”

“Hickland!” came a cry. It was the Diva Dano. The make-up room got empty quick.

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Dim and GT walked onto the Rodi’s pub set dressed in power suits and took their places at a table next to the jukebox. The director yelled ‘Action!’ and the scene began.

Botrina and Kelly ordered two beers from the waiter.

“You know Kelly, we really should hang out more often,” said Botrina.

“I agree,” said Kelly, ‘We shouldn’t let our busy careers interfere with our friendship.”

Just then Nora, Renee, Carlotta, Viki, and Rae walked in and took a table near Botrina and Kelly.

Botrina leaned over, “So, it’s girl’s night out, huh?”

“You could say that,” said Nora, “But if we wanted you two to hang out with us we would have asked.”

Botrina stuck her tongue out at Nora.

“Whatever,” said Kelly with an attitude.

“We’re too…girlie for them…” muttered Botrina pouting.

“So Viki, where’s Ben tonight?” asked Rae.

“He had to work late at the hospital,” said Viki sadly. She ordered an “Orgasm” from the waiter.

“Yeah - Nora - why ain’t Sam hovering all over you tonight?” asked Botrina shouting across her table. She couldn’t resist.

“If you must know, Sam volunteered to stay home and watch Matthew,” answered Nora. She ordered some “Sex on the Beach.”

“Mighty gallant of him,” said Kelly.

“Yeah. Sam’s a regular superhero,” added Botrina.

“What about you Renee? Where’s Asa?” asked Rae.

Renee spotted Cristian who was talking to Sykes at the bar and started drooling, “Asa had to stay home and counsel Max about Blair.”

Rae grinned, “This town is going to give me a lot of business. So, ah, Carlotta…do you have a man?”

Carlotta frowned, “I haven’t gone out on a date since Feb. 98.” She ordered a Tequila Sunrise.

“You poor thing you,” said Rae, “You know I think I’ll go up to the bar and order a drink…”

“I’ll go with you…” said Renee.

Renee and Rae walked up to bar and got cozy with Cris and Sykes.

“So, what are you guys talking about?” asked Renee.

“Roseanne Delgado,” said Cris.

“Téa Delgado,” said Sykes.

“Oh. The ADA Woman and the Diner Chick. Cold as Ice aren’t they?” flirted Rae with Sykes.

The scene ended.

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Meanwhile, later that afternoon in Jill’s office…

Jill paced her office. She was clearly pi$$ed that her opening credits idea got shot down because Disney’s big boys considered them soft porn. She was still surrounded by her ten rules of good soap opera by Douglas Marland wallpaper which she paid no attention too and she was puffing away on three ciggies.

KB, JB dragging a reluctant MD behind him, and TG walked in. TG was still upset that Jill had replaced his pic with David Fumero’s.

“What’s up crew?” asked JFP dragging long and hard on her ciggies.

“We heard about the opening credits getting shot down,” said JB.

“Rumors go around quickly, don’t they?” muttered MD.

“Yeah. We feel for you Jill,” said KB sympathetically.

“Well your sympathy and a dime won’t buy me a pack of ciggies,” crabbed Jill.

“PMS’ing?” asked TG crossing his arms.

Jill leered at him.

Just then, Dim and TDS walked in. Dim’s pocket was bulging out and TDS was carrying a bunch of comic books.

Jill rolled her eyes, “Great. What do you two want?”

“Crabby, Jill?” asked Dim, “Well, we’re here…to…ah, talk to you…about…”

TDS spoke up, “Our scripts. They are way too thin.”

Dim fussed. There were just too many people to try and return Jill’s checkbook. They would have to wing it.

“Well guys…I ran out of recycled plots. Your scripts are just going to have to stay thin,” said JFP puffing away on her ciggies.

TDS handed JFP a comic book, “Here read this. You might get a few ideas.”

“A comic book?” muttered Jill. She threw it on her desk.

Just then, DF and PE came waltzing as if they owned the place.

“Jill,” said DF in a deep voice, “I have a request.”

“Not now David,” said KB.

“She’s not in the mood,” added JB.

MD uncomfortably adjusted his shirt collar and inched toward the door…

“I’m an FOJ now,” grinned DF, “So Jill will kiss my a$$ too…”

Jill looked at DF and PE. Her eyes were bugging out and she took two quick puffs of her ciggies.

“Okay Dave, what do you want?” asked JFP.

PE squirmed.

“Me - I mean Cris - and Patty, I mean Renee - they’re soulmates. So me and Patty E want you to put us together!” said DF firm in his request.

“Bhwahahahaha…” laughed JFP puffing away on her ciggies. She lit another one.

“Dave, dude, even us FOJ’s know not to ask Jill for stuff when she’s in this snotty of a mood,” said KB crossing his arms.

“Oh,” said DF. He flexed his arm muscles.

Jill went to her desk, took out DF’s picture from his picture frame and put Tim Gibbs’s picture back in.

“Tim - you’re in. Dave - you’re out,” said JFP.

DF grinned. PE fussed.

“Now if only I can come up with some ideas…” said Jill.

“Why don’t you rip off Passions? They got some really orginal ideas over there,” said JB.

“Yeah. They got a witch and a Princess Di wanna be,” added TG all happy with himself.

“What about my comic book?” asked TDS.

“Not original enough,” said Jill puffing away on her ciggies.

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It was the end of the day. Dim and Flo were chugging H20 in their dressing room with TDS, DF, JSS, and EP.

“So Dim, how are you going to get Jill’s checkbook back into her office?” asked JSS.

“I dunno. That office is continually infested with Friends of Jill…” fussed Dim.

“Get your new buddy Ragweed to help you out,” suggested TDS.

“I’m nervous,” said EP dressed as Poisonwood, “Jill wants to see me first thing along with Jessica the Rebel.”

“It can’t be good…” said DF.

“So, Flo, got scoop?” asked Dim.

“There’s a big ER scene coming up. Roseanne and Téa get into a nasty catfight that draws blood,” said Flo.

Just then, there was a knock on the door. It was AngelaB, the UPS girl. She dropped off a postcard for Flo.

Flo read, “Dear Flo, How’s your hair growing out? Mine is getting down near the shoulders. Just thought I’d ask. Rog. P.S. I miss you too Flo.”

“I miss you too Rog,” said Flo.

NEXT:
1. Poisonwood and Jessica the Rebel are hired to spy on “Passions”.
2. JFP finds out who’s been spreading those nasty RH/LK rumors…George the Cameraman.
3. Botrina, Asa, and Skye scheme…
4. Mail Call is back!
5. Flo got scoop.