Satire - Part 62 - "IT'S TIME TO REDO THE OPENING CREDITS...HEHEHE..."

This is a work of fiction. It is meant to be satirical in nature. Initially published on 24 Jul 1999.

WHAT HAPPENS:
1. Tim Gibbs picture is replaced!
2. JFP gets over her hangover and gets back at Dim and RS.
3. Diva Hickland figures out she’s been duped.
4. Flo got scoop.

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It was mid-morning. Dim and RS had been summoned to JFP’s office. They knew whatever it was, it couldn’t be good. They looked at each other, swallowed, and knocked on the door.

“Get your mangy butts in here!” screeched Jill sucking back some ciggies.

Dim and RS walked in. JFP was sitting behind her desk smoking ciggies, surrounded by her Douglas Marland Soap Rules wallpaper.

“I don’t know what to do with you two…you never learn…” said JFP tapping her nails on her desk, “You steal my snickers wrappers - you redecorated my office with this wallpaper…that won’t come down. I make you do press. I make you do mail call but I just can’t make you tow my line…so now…I’ve got a new idea…” grinned JFP all evil-like.

Dim and RS swallowed.

“What’s that Jill?” asked Dim frowning.

“It’s time to redo the opening credits…hehehehe…” giggled Jill.

Just then JB and KB walked in. JB was holding a picture of David Fumero. Naked from the waist up.

Dim and RS raised an eyebrow. JB gave the pic to JFP who grinned. Just then, TG walked in a confused and befuddled DF.

“What’s up Jill?” asked TG.

“Sorry Tim. You’re out. David’s in…” JFP pulling out TG’s picture frame. She took out TG’s pic and put DF’s pic in.

TG pouted, “But Jill…what did I do wrong?”

DF looked at Dim and RS, confused like.

“Sorry Tim, you just don’t have “it” anymore. David’s young. David’s hot. He’s a young matinee idol in development. Besides he got a two thumbs up for his performances this week..."”said Jill leering at DF.

DF swallowed, “But all I did was lay around in Roseanne’s bed with my shirt off…”

JFP grinned, “I know. I’m gonna make you a star!”

TG pouted.

JB got jealous, “Hey! What about me?”

“What about you? You still got “it” - you’re a pretty “beefy” guy to look at. In fact - that ties into my opening credits idea I was just telling Dim and Robin about,” continued Jill lighting another ciggie.

Dim and Robin looked petrified.

“What’s this idea?” asked RS.

“It’s time to redo the opening credits. I’m doing it in that old style I used at “Another World” with Llanview’s hottest couples in sensuous positions. Ben and Viki kissing. Cris and Roseanne and candles. Will and Jessie surrounded by flowers. Dorian…and Andrew…Botrina and RJ…Téa and Sykes…” explained JFP.

“Oh my God!” muttered Dim, her eyes bugging out.

RS turned white, “Dorian…and ANDREW?”

“Yep. And the only thing Dorian is wearing in a towel…” grinned JFP puffing on her ciggies, “Sex sells guys…”

“What does Botrina wear?” gagged Dim.

“Absolutely nothing,” grinned Jill, “The scene calls for RJ to be looking deeply into Botrina’s eyes, as the only thing between them is a bedsheet.”

Dim turned very pale, wishing she had her toilet flusher available.

“Hey! I thought Sykes broke up with Téa - C’Mon Jill - I don’t need SickFlo blowing chunks on me again…” fussed JB, “Why can’t I have Robin Christopher??? You promised me Robin Christopher…!!!”

“We may have to change that around too…” said JFP dragging on her ciggies, “Nope. I’m bound and determined to have the Todd and Téa fanbase see your character for the sexy and passionate guy you are…so you’ll be holding Téa in an embrace revealing her bare back…” explained JFP.

JB frowned at the thought.

“What about me?” said KB.

“Don’t worry Kale. I’ve got this great, hotshot of your character claiming Nora’s passion on Judge Fitzy’s bench.”

“Poor Hill…” muttered Dim. RS and DF gagged at the horror.

“What about me?” fussed TG.

“Tim, I hate to break it to you but you snooze. You don’t make the opening credits…” said Jill lighting another ciggie.

TG pouted, “I’ll regain my sex appeal back!” he said waving his hand in the air and leaving in a huff.

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Dim walked onto the Llanview jail set dressed in her Botrina Tran power suit. RSW, CH, and TDS were all ready there. The director yelled ‘Action!’ and the scene began.

RJ and Lindsay sat next to each other in the jail cell.

“I didn’t do it!” said Lindsay to RJ.

“I didn’t do it either!” said RJ to Lindsay.

Bo walked up the bars of the jail cell, “Lindsay…”

Lindsay got off her bunk and walked up to Bo, “Yes, Bo?”

“I love you Lindsay. I’ll find out who the real killer is…” said Bo.

RJ put a finger in his mouth like he was gagging, “Anyone got a toilet flusher?” he asked.

Just then Botrina walked in followed by Sam, Nora, and Sophia who was diligently taking notes like a good paralegal.

“RJ!”

“Botrina!”

RJ ran to the bars and they looked like two star-crossed lovers.

Sam licked his lips, “Lindsay, it doesn’t look good.”

Lindsay swallowed.

“Nora - hey wait!” exclaimed RJ, “What about me?”

“Doesn’t look good for you either,” said Nora.

“I bet it was Sykes. He’s been trying to make me look bad ever since I stole his flowers!” protested RJ.

“All the evidence points to you and Lindsay,” said Nora.

“Don’t worry Lindsay. I love you even though you lie to me. I’ll prove your innocence…” said Bo.

Everyone looked at Bo surprised and raised and eyebrow.

“Who podded you?” asked Sophia.

The scene ended.

Jill’s voice came over the loudspeaker, “Dim and Tim Stickney report to the houseboat set…to film your opening credit…”

“I am dreading this...” muttered Dim, “I never thought Jill would stoop this low.”

“You ain’t the only one…” muttered TDS, “No one wants to see me naked.” They walked off.

CC went up to Diva Hickland, “Hey, Diva…”

“What?” asked Diva Hickland.

CC held up a bottle of purple perfume, “Well, I bought some of your perfume ‘cos I know you hock makeup stuff and the bottle says it’s pink but it’s purple. What gives?”

PC walked by dragging on a stogie. CC foamed at the mouth, dreaming of smoking a ciggie.

Diva Hickland checked out CC’s perfume bottle, “It’s pink.”

CC looked confused, “Uh, Diva…it’s purple.”

“Yeah, Cath, it’s purple,” said RSW.

“Really?” asked Diva Hickland.

“No joke. You’ve been duped,” said KB.

“I've been hocking Purple Perfume! Damn that Dano!” cussed Diva Hickland, “I got a trick for her …and her perfume line!!”

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Later that evening…

Dim and Robin walked into Jill’s office carrying the mall looking all pissed ‘cos they had just filmed their opening credits.

“Well girls, you did a good job for the opening credits. We start airing them tomorrow,” grinned Jill puffing away on her ciggies.

Dim and RS sneered.

“So give it to me straight,” said Jill crossing her arms all happy with herself.

“Ratings and Demos are down Jill. I guess all Clint Ritchie’s fans checked out when he did…” said Robin reading off the official demo sheet.

JFP rolled her eyes, “I didn’t think Clint had that many fans…”

“Fans are livid over you re-writing Téa’s history. Téa never had a sister,” read Dim, “What are you smoking Ms. Phelps, they demand to know.”

“Ah, I think it’s generic. I dunno what I smoke… Poisonwood gets the New Orleans special for me sometimes…” muttered Jill, “Next.”

“Cris and Rosie are HOT!! David Fumero is a matinee idol in training!!” read RS trying not to gag.

JFP grinned, “I know. He’s my new picture boy. John Bolger’s giving him lessons and a bit part in his play. I always take care of my friends.”

“Agh!” muttered Dim and RS, “Poor David Fumero.”

“What else?” muttered JFP.

“When did Kelly become a hospital board member? That’s totally crazy!!” read Dim.

“Well, Gina’s gotta earn her pay somehow…” grinned JFP.

“You podded Bo!! I will never FORGIVE you Ms. Phelps!!” read RS.

“Oh well. I’ll get over it,” said JFP puffing on her ciggies, “If I could, I’d pod the viewers too…”

“Here’s a note of interest,” said Dim, “PC MacIntyre has just been hired as the new Headwriter for “Days of Our Lives”. DOOL fans are excited and Ken Corday is rumored to have promised the creative computer a lifetime supply of computer chips…”

Jill looked clearly surprised and sad, “Gosh, I kinda’ miss that little bugger,” she said. Jill sniffed and took a long drag on her ciggies.

Just then her lava lamps started flashing and emitting a high screech.

“What’s that for?” said Dim putting her fingers in her ears.

“CC set off the ciggie buzzer again!” said JFP sadly.

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Dim, Flo, JSS, TDS, EP, and DF were drinking H20 and hanging out in Dim and Flo’s dressing room.

“So Dave,” asked JSS laughing, “How does it feel to be Jill’s…new picture boy?”

“It’s scary stuff man. I’m telling you, Tim Gibbs can have his picture frame back…” muttered a distressed DF.

“Whatcha’ reading Tim?” asked EP peering over TDS’s shoulder.

“My favorite comic book. Maybe I should give Jill a copy. It’s more creative than she is…” said TDS grinning.

Dim stuck one of the tapes she got in the mail from Liz2 in a tape player. It was an old interview with Linda Gottlieb. Everyone was speechless. Dim shut it off, with a dastardly grin on her face.

“Robin will love this…” giggled Dim.

“So Flo, got scoop?” asked DF.

“Téa and Rosie get into another cat fight when Rosie insists her father was really Enrique Delgado…” laughed Flo.

There was a knock on the door. AngelaB, the UPS Girl, dropped off a postcard for Flo.

FL read, “Flo…wow…boy were you served up some drivel. I feel for you - Look I got some really juicy stuff to tell you so let’s do lunch next week. Rog. P.S. I miss you too Flo.”

Flo grinned happy at the thought of seeing RH again, “I miss you too Rog.”

Big Thanks to SEW for his opening credits idea…

NEXT:
1. Tim Gibbs tries to get his picture frame back.
2. Dim goes a shopping spree with KdP on JFP’s checkbook.
3. Reaction to Jill’s new opening credits.
4. Diva Hickland’s revenge.
5. Flo got scoop.