Satire - Part 61 - JILL HAS A HANGOVER

This is a work of fiction. It is meant to be satirical in nature. Initially published on 16 Jul 1999.

WHAT HAPPENS:
1. As usual, RJ is arrested for the crime he didn’t commit.
2. JFP can’t find her snickers wrappers
3. What happened to the left over cake?
4. Makeup room gossip featuring Alyssa and Melissa.
5. Flo got scoop.

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Flo, Dim, Robin, and CC the newbie were in the commissary catching an early cup of coffee. PM was hanging with them on a rare day she had to work.

“How come I have to sing the praise of Jill’s FOJ’s all the time I’m on? When am I going to get a love interest?” lamented PM.

“It’s a dirty job but who else is going to do it?” asked Dim.

“I dunno…when Passions goes off the air?” muttered CC the newbie.

Just then, HBS walked up with a cup of coffee, a bagel, and roll of toilet paper.

“What’s up Hill?” asked RS.

“Have a seat,” said Dim.

CC the newbie pulled out her pack of ciggies and counted how many smokes she had left.

Hill sat down, “Thanks girls.”

“What’s with the roll of toilet paper Hill?” asked CC the newbie looking around for lava lamps while she eye’d a ciggie.

“Jilly sent me this roll of toilet paper with her favorite flush worthy moments on it. Included are Sam and Nora Lickfest, Sam and Nora Cabana Horror, and Sam and Nora Vegas nightmare guest staring Patty E,” explained Hill.

“That stuff sure does sound flush worthy…” added Flo, “Trust me… I got a $hitload of flush worthy moments myself…”

“And too boot, I just saw my script. Sam and Nora have porno sex on Judge Fitzwater’s bench…” lamented Hill.

Dim started gagging.

“Typical Jill,” muttered Flo, “If Kale Brown didn’t want to do that scene, there wouldn’t be any…”

“Well, I’m sure we can help out. I hear Jill’s suffering from a hangover and not on the top of her game…” grinned RS.

“Really?” said Hill, “Anything to get out of another flush worthy moment…”

“Jill is helpless without her snicker’s wrappers…” grinned RS, “Here’s the plan…”

The girls gathered in a football huddle to discuss strategy.

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Meanwhile, in JFP’s office…

JFP sat at her desk puffing on her ciggies and groaning in pain. She made a face. In walked TG, KB, and JB dragging in a reluctant MD with them.

“John, look, I don’t want to be here…Erika’s back from vacation…We got something…to do together…” fussed MD trying to think of any excuse to get away.

“Chill out Mark. You’re one of the guys now…” said JB patting MD on the back.

MD frowned.

KB sat down on JFP’s desk, “What’s up Jill. You look miserable.”

“I’ve got a hangover from SEW and Don’s “Mambo Mama” drink…” said Jill.

KB reached over and rubbed her temples.

JFP grinned at the attention.

“I can tell. You’ve neglected to polish my picture frame…” said TG frowning.

JFP pulled out some brasso and put it on her desk, “Here. Do it yourself.”

“Someone is crabby today…” said JB sticking to MD like glue.

“You should see her when she’s got PMS. She’s unbearable…” muttered TG.

JFP puffed on her ciggies, “What are you complaining about? I got you Robin Christopher.”

“Yeah…but I still got scenes with Flo. C’Mon - spare me! Please!! My hairpiece can’t take it anymore…” begged JB.

“Just stick with my vision John. Trust me…” said JFP all slick-like.

KB finished rubbing JFP’s temples, “Well, Hill keeps trying out these different flavored chapsticks on me. I think she’s using sour grapes now…” fussed KB.

“Guys - just relax. My vision will prevail…” JFP held up a snickers wrapper with her vision written all over it.

MD looked at his watch, “Guys…I really hate to brown-nose and run but I just….gotta…catch up with Erika Slezak…”

“Sure Mark…” said JFP dragging on her ciggies, “Come back soon.”

MD bolted out of there like a fast rat.

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Dim walked onto the Llanview General set dressed in a hospital gown. TDS, RSW, JB, CTJ, MS, and PC were all ready there. Dim got in the hospital bed and the director yelled, ‘Action!’

Dr. Wolek fussed over Botrina, “It’s only a superficial wound Botrina. You’ll be back at Buchanan Enterprises in no time.”

Botrina frowned, “Oh, Goody. Dad - you just gotta catch this creep or I might get stabbed again.”

Bo sympathetically smiled at his daughter.

“I’m glad you’re okay Trina,” said RJ very happy.

“Well, RJ…” started Bo.

“What?” demanded RJ.

Sykes grinned and wiped out the cuffs, “We’re arresting you for stabbing Botrina.”

“What? I didn’t do it,” protested RJ.

“And I believe him,” said Botrina firmly.

“G.D., if it wasn’t RJ, who did it?” asked PC.

“Well, it wasn’t Lindsay…the usual culprit. She’s rotting in a jail cell…” said Det. West.

“I bet it was Kevin…” Botrina fussed.

“Kevin knows better…” said Asa.

“But G.D.! RJ is my boyfriend!” protested Botrina.

“Gannon is a criminal and I’ve been wanting to put him away for a long time now…” grinned Sykes.

“You sound like a broken record,” muttered RJ.

Botrina leered at Sykes, “Don’t piss me off Sykes. Your hairpiece might befall a horrible fate if you do…”

Larry stuck a bandage on Botrina. Botrina fussed.

The scene ended.

Just then, Diva Dano walked by with leftover pink anniversary cake and a sneaky-like grin on her face.

“Diva, what’s up with the leftover pink anniversary cake?” asked CTJ respectfully. The cast looked at Diva Dano in speculation.

“Hehehe…” grinned Diva Dano walking off.

“You can bet it has something to do with Diva Hickland…” said TDS.

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The make-up room gossip crew, DJ, DF, JSS, ET, EP, GT, FL, Dim, RS, and CC the newbie all hooked up to compare notes, rumors, and gossip in the make-up room. Alyssa the hairdresser was fussing over GT’s hair while Melissa the make-up chick was doing special guest ES’s make-up. ES just sat quietly and listened.

“Dim,” said ET sweetly, “Your party was great. I had a great time and so did the Rebel Rousers.”

“Thanks Erin,” said Dim.

Alyssa the hairdresser teased GT’s hair, “You know, I was outside smoking a ciggie and I heard that the fans don’t want Téa and John to get back together…”

“That was a flush-worthy relationship…” confirmed FL.

In walked RC, “Hey guys, what’s up? Can I join you?”

“I dunno,” said DJ, “You gotta be able to sling the mud and feed the rumor mill.”

RC grinned at DJ, “I know what Diva Dano did with the leftover pink anniversary cake…”

“I heard Jill’s got a nasty hangover from Don’s “Mamba Mama” drink…” added Melissa the makeup girl.

“So have I…” grinned DF running his hands through his hair.

“I make a killer sangria too…” said DJ.

“Well, Jill’s in porno mode again. I heard Cris and Poisonwood bump nasty. What happened to Cris and Renee? I thought they were hot…” grinned CC the newbie applying some lipstick.

“Ah…you know… Cris has a momentary lapse of reason…” muttered DF.

“I did the VooDoo Doll thing on him… works all the time…” grinned EP, dressed as Poisonwood.

“Another truly flush worthy moment this week…” muttered Dim.

“I bet it’s more like a permanent lapse of writing- Jill probably lost a few snickers wrappers…” said FL touching up her blush.

RS held up a bunch of snicker’s wrappers, “I know. I got them right here.”

“Don, I know you got some good rumors to pass around…” hinted ET.

DJ crossed his arms, “Well, I heard that Jill’s got a porno sex scene planned for Sam and Nora. They do it on Judge Fitzwater’s bench…”

“Ewewewew…” muttered the Gossip Crew.

“Man, that’s truly flush worthy…” said ES speaking up.

The Gossip crew was in awe.

“I’ll kill that porno scene - trust me…” grinned RS.

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Meanwhile, in JFP’s office…

Jill was pacing her office with 3 ciggies hanging out of her mouth. Her office was a mess. She couldn’t find her snickers wrappers anywhere and HL, GS, and RB wanted to know what they were suppose to write next. She had sent TG, JB, and KB out to check every nook and cranny of the studio.

RS, Dim, and Hill walked into Jill’s office.

“Jill, we need to make a deal…” said RS grinning.

“Not now…I’ve got a hangover…” lamented Jill, “And I can’t find my snickers wrappers.”

RS held up her snicker’s wrappers, “I got your wrappers.”

“I need those!” yelled JFP reaching for them. RS pulled them away.

“Nah, nah, nah,” said Hill, “We got conditions…”

“What?” fussed Jill lighting another ciggie.

“You gotta kill Sam and Nora porno sex…” said Dim crossing her arms.

“But Sam…is so hot…he’s a stud…” fussed Jill.

“Look, just change the scene around. Make it Kevin and Fiona…ah, I mean Grace…” said Hill nicely.

“That will put half of Llanview to sleep…” added Dim.

“All right. Whatever. Just gimme my wrappers back!” agreed Jill.

Dim pointed to the wallpaper. It was the 10 rules of good soap opera by Douglas Marland, “Nice décor Jill.”

JFP fussed and was miserable, “I’ll get you clowns back.”

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TDS, JSS, EP, Dim, and Flo gathered around in Dim and Flo’s dressing room at the end of the day.

“Hey, does anyone know what Diva Dano did with the leftover pink anniversary cake?” asked JSS.

TDS looked up from his comic book and compared it to his script. They were the same thin size, “She told Diva Hickland the frosting was really purple - now Diva Hickland thinks she’s purple-pink colorblind.”

Dim giggled, “That’s devious…”

“Just wait till Diva Hickland figures out she’s been duped…” muttered JSS.

“So Flo, got scoop?” asked EP.

“Téa’s secret comes out. She was really Muffy the Pod all along…” grinned Flo.

Just then, AngelaB, the UPS girl showed up. She dropped off a belated anniversary gift for Dim from Liz2 full of cassette tapes and a postcard for Flo.

Flo read, “Don’t worry - Todd’s figured Téa’s secret and still loves her. Rog. P.S. I miss you too Flo.”

“I miss you too Rog,” said FL sweetly.

NEXT:
1. Tim Gibbs picture is replaced!
2. JFP gets over her hangover and gets back at Dim and RS.
3. Diva Hickland figures out she’s been duped.
4. Flo got scoop.