Satire - Part 60 - "LOVE AND CIGGIES TO YOU, DIM...!"

This is a work of fiction. It is meant to be satirical in nature. Initially published on 09 Jul 1999. This is a Satire Classic.

WHAT HAPPENS:
1. Rae gets a lot of work.
2. JFP has a bad day.
3. Botrina finally gets a storyline - she gets knifed! Bo gets pi$$ed.
4. CC finally cons PC out of a stogie.
5. ES finally realizes that CR is gone.
6. Flo got scoop.

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Author’s note: I would like to extend a very big Thank You to all the fans of the OLTL Satire for your support over the past year! YES!! The past YEAR!! The Satire is officially a year old. I sincerely hope you’ve all enjoyed the laughs and gags that Dim and the Satire gang - including Jill - have given you over the past year. My all-time favorite satire is #48 when SickFlo is in the Shower, and I’m sure you all have your favorites. The satire is archived on “Violet’s TnT Fan Fiction Website”, “Starrstruck’s Bedtime Stories”, and “TnT’s Substitute Emergency Card Website”. This past year I’ve enjoyed creating characters such as Montana BooBee, Poisonwood Rosie, and of course, Botrina Tran Buchanan! This birthday bash is dedicated to all of you satire fans! ENJOY!!

It was early in the morning. While ET and EP had taken Dim to the commissary for breakfast, FL invited Jules, her personal assistant, TDS, JSS, RS, and CC the newbie to her dressing room.

“What’s up Flo?” asked TDS with a comic book tucked underneath his arm.

“Something wrong?” asked JSS with concern.

“Guys, I’m planning a party and I need your help,” said FL furiously writing on a notepad.

“What are we celebrating?” asked CC grinning.

“Well, it’s Dim’s one year anniversary as Botrina,” explained FL.

“Count us in. What do you want us to do?” asked RS.

FL gave them each a list, “I need everything on these lists. Can you hook me up?”

“No problem,” said JSS grinning.

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Meanwhile, in JFP’s office…

JFP lit a ciggies and dragged hard on her it, tapping her fingers on the desk, surrounded by the 10 rules of good soap opera by Douglas Marland wallpaper. In walked JB, TG, and KB dragging MD with them.

“Jill, you look miserable…” said KB sitting down on her desk.

“I’m having a bad day Kale…” said JFP lighting another ciggie.

“You didn’t break my picture frame did you?” asked TG with concern.

“No…” pouted Jill, “But I can’t find my brasso and this wallpaper won’t come down. Robin must have used superglue or something…”

Just then, Robin and Dim waltzed in carrying the mail.

“Mail Call Jill,” grinned Robin.

“Give it to me straight girls,” fussed JFP.

“Jill, demos are down. We dropped from number one to number five…” said Dim grinning.

Jill sneered.

“We got a lot of mail - fans are pleased Téa and Sykes broke up…” added RS, “They’re doing the happy dance in Southern California.”

“So am I…” said JB grinning.

MD tried to sneak out but TG blocked the door.

“Linda Dano’s a hit,” said Dim.

“And as usual, Kevin and Fiona, ah…I mean Grace, are a bust…” said RS.

“All right, I get the hint. Send those two to Rae, she’ll fix the problem. I don’t need anymore bad news…” pouted JFP dragging on her ciggies. She lit another one.

“What’s up Jill - run out of snickers?” asked Dim.

“Worse. I used up all my recycled plots…” said JFP, “I don’t have any ideas!!”

Robin and Dim looked shocked.

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Dim showed up on the Buchanan Enterprises set dressed in a Botrina Tran Power Suit. TDS, JB, KB, TG, PC, RSW, and LD were all ready there. The director yelled ‘Action!’ and the scene began.

Botrina and Asa were having some nip, celebrating a recent money making deal.

“Good work, G.D.,” grinned Asa.

“I leaned from master,” replied Botrina sipping her nip.

In walked RJ grinning like a fat cat.

“What brings you by RJ?” asked Botrina.

RJ gave her a light kiss on the cheek, “I just bought my new club…in a few weeks it will be up and running.”

“Goody for you Gannon…” muttered Asa rolling his eyes.

Just then Sam and Kevin walked in.

Asa just kept on rolling his eyes, “Ewewewew….Rappaport crud polluting my office. What brings you here?”

“Just thought I’d pay you a visit…stink up your office,” grinned Sam.,p> “Well you succeeded. The stench is overwhelming. Now go away…” sniffed Asa.

“What do you need Kevin? A loan?” asked Botrina crossing her arms.

“I heard you got the scoop on the docks revitalization project…” said Kevin.

“Well, when the bottom of my houseboat turned florescent yellow I figured it was time to clean things up…” said Botrina sarcastically.

Just then Sykes and Bo walked in followed by Rae.

“Bo! Son! What brings you by?” asked Asa.

“Official business Paw. John here wants to bring RJ in for questioning…” said Bo.

“Oh, you mean he wants to bring me in for harassment,” said RJ crossing his arms, being sarcastic.

“Sounds like you all could use some relationship counseling…” grinned Rae.

“Huh?” everyone muttered looking at Rae all-stupid like.

“You all can’t stand each other,” said Rae grinning.

“Duh…” said Botrina.

“With good reason!” said Asa pouring himself some more nip.

“Asa and Sam, I want you to say one nice thing to each other…” instructed Rae.

Asa and Sam pouted.

“You got a lot of money Asa,” muttered Sam.

“Nice suit Rappaport,” gagged Asa.

“And Sykes…don’t arrest that nice RJ. Look into yourself and ask yourself if harassing sweet RJ Gannon is worth it?” said Rae.

“Yeah…” muttered Sykes.

“Botrina and Kevin shake hands,” instructed Rae.

They did but as soon as they did, they wiped the cooties off on their clothes.

Then - the lights went out!

“Someone turn on the lights!” fussed Asa.

Botrina yelled, “Owowww!”

“Hey! Don’t touch me! Get your hands off of me!” protested RJ.

Bo turned the lights back on.

RJ was holding Botrina who had a knife in her back. His hands were covered with her blood.

Bo freaked! “Oh my God! Someone call an ambulance!” He rushed to Botrina who was semi-conscious, muttering “Ow” from the pain. Bo pushed a shocked RJ off of her.

“Someone get Renee! I need my heart medication!” yelled Asa.

“RJ Gannon you’re under arrest for the attempted murder of Botrina!” grinned Sykes all happy like.

“But I didn’t do it! Why would I do this Botrina?!” exclaimed RJ.

“No one is going anywhere right now - except Trina - to the hospital. You’re all suspects. John get Det. West, Hank, and Téa down here to take statements and investigate.” instructed Bo.

Then Bo looked at Botrina, “You o.k? Does it hurt?”

“Duh…it hurts…” muttered Botrina.

EMTs arrived and took Botrina to the hospital.

The scene ended.

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Back in Jill’s office…

JFP held up a cartoon of ciggies, “Damn! I’m down to my last pack!”

Just then FL, TDS, RS, Jules, and CC the newbie walked in. Jill rolled her eyes, “What do you clowns want?” she asked in a rotten mood.

“We’re having a party and you’re invited!” grinned CC putting her hand on her hips.

“Oh Goody!” grinned Jill, “Where it at?”

“It’s outside. We’re having a block party…” said TDS grinning.

“Can we do that? Is that legal? I won’t get in trouble will I?” fussed JFP.

“Don’t worry Jill. I pulled in some favors with Rudy,” said Robin.

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FL gathered everyone outside. It was packed. RS had done her job and the street in front of the studio was blocked off. Jilly was there with a duffle bag full of broken toilet flushers running the security detail. Anna and Bo and Nora Fan were helping her out. The cast crew, including Robin Christopher, whose first day of taping it was, was there too. Even Alyssa the hairdresser and Melissa the makeup girl from the makeup room were there. Balloons and crepe paper hung from the buildings. Even RH, who was in negotiations to come back to the show, showed up. SEW, the official bartender of the event, had the bar stacked. DJ was helping him out. Even SS, dressed as Montana BooBee showed up.

CC the newbie and SM came running out the door, “They’re coming!” they yelled.

The loud volume of noise died down.

JSS walked out with Dim who was blindfolded and fussing.

“Jason!” fussed Dim, “Take this blindfold off now! That’s it! No more kinky sex…”

JSS took off the blindfold.

“Happy One Year Anniversary Dim!” yelled the party crew throwing confetti and rice at Dim and JSS.

Dim sniffled, “I’m…I’m…so touched…”

SEW passed out Dixie cup with wine and JFP stepped up to toast Dim, “O.k…Guys,” said JFP putting her arm around Dim’s shoulders while a ciggie hung out of her mouth, “A year ago I hired Dim to play Botrina Tran Buchanan and it’s been a rollercoster ride ever since. Love and Ciggies to you Dim!” roasted Jill.

Dim wiped a tear out of her eye, touched by JFP’s roast.

“That was too sweet…” sniffled an emotional Dim. Everyone slugged down the wine.

“Time to cut the cake!” yelled RSW.

Gathered around the cake were RSW, PC, TG, DJ, ET, ES, HSB, and CC the newbie, Botrina’s on-screen Buchanan/Hannen family. The cake was decorated in pink. RSW gave Dim the “knife.”

“Let me guess…” sniffled Dim, “Diva Hickland made the cake…”

“In my favorite shade of pink. Have a good one girl,” grinned Diva Hickland.

“Next year though…I’m in charge of the cake…” said Diva Dano.

RSW and ES led the cast in singing “Happy Birthday.”

JSS, Dim’s sweetie, helped her cut and pass out the cake. Dim was simply overwhelmed.

“Time for gifts,” said FL handing Dim a gift.

“Oh, Flo…how sweet. You shouldn’t have…” sniffled Dim.

Flo grinned, “Go ahead and open it.”

It was new coffee mug that said, “Botrina’s Mug”. Dim hugged Flo.

SEW, as president of the Botrina Tran Testosterone Brigade, presented Dim with a new Power Suit and matching Pumps. Dim gave SEW a big hug. M&M Gal gave Dim and Tim Stickney a pair of edible undies, reminding them that Botrina and RJ ROCKED and Sophia was to stay away from Botrina’s man.

Louise showed up with a big grin and fashionably late.

Dim and JSS socialized after eating their cake.

Kelly, Dim’s personal assistant, was DJ’ing the event and kicked off the festivities with Madonna’s “Beautiful Stranger.”

RH and FL laughed.

SEW and DJ passed out more drinks.

JR and Liz2 showed up. JR gave Dim a VooDoo Doll complete with VooDoo pins as a gift. Liz2 asked RH about his negotiations.

Jilly, Anna, and Bo and Nora Fan were running after Kale Brown with autographed toilet flushers in their hands. They just wanted to give them him the toilet flushers but he thought they wanted to hit him with them.

Rog and Flo walked up to Jason and Dim.

“Congrats Dim! A year! It couldn’t have been easy…” said RH shaking Dim’s hand.

“It wasn’t…” added Dim.

Just then Kattali walked up offering to help RH out with his current negotiations. RH grinned as he listened to her proposal.

AngelaB, the UPS girl, brought an email from Tex and gave it to Dim. Dim read, “Happy one year anniversary. Party Hard. Tex.”

JaCk showed up with his latest creation, “The Lie that Nagged Me…” JFP loved it and put it up right next to “Syko.”

TG accidentally ate the edible undies while trying to impress SM, thinking they were dessert.

Now that Flo’s play was over, little KA and RM cut up Flo’s watermelon and passed it around.

DeeDee brought Ricky Martin’s CD and got Kelly to play it. EP, dressed as Poisonwood Rosie and ET, dressed as Jessica the Rebel and Montana BooBee and SM danced on the tables to “Living LaVida Loca.”

Montana BooBee got the crowds attention by waving her gun around and called SM over.

“Guys,” said Montana BooBee, “I officially recognize Sue’s “Grace” as my protégé and as such I give her my water pistol so she can learn how to kill rumors.” SM grinned.

CC the newbie got SEW to light her ciggie. RC went up the bar and asked SEW to light her ciggie too. CC pouted. JB walked up behind RC all jealous like and SHOUTED, “Hey! Don’t do me like Flo did!”

“What? I’m just lighting my ciggie…” fussed RC.

Just then Julieta showed up and gave JB a gift certificate to a nice hairpiece store. Julieta then found the DePaivas booking bets on JFP’s reaction when she realized she had run out of ciggies. WK bet that JFP would go buy more. Jer bet that JFP would send an FOJ to go buy her more ciggies. GT bet that she’d go con CC out of some ciggies. PM bet that JFP would con PC out of some stogies, and DF bet that JFP would faint from lack of nicotine in her system. Julieta hooked KdP up with a karoke machine.

PE and DF then posed for pics for JR so he could do an expose on the Renee and Cris ‘phenomenon.’

NP and CTJ presented Dim with her very own “Flavor of the Week” dartboard.

CC found PC. PC was smoking stogies with RSW.

“C’Mon old man - it’s a party. Lighten up. Gimme a stogie…I know you want too…” conned CC.

PC relented and gave her a stogie, “After all kid, you did make the official ABC Website Bio page. BUT just this once until you get a contract.”

MD found ES was socializing with HBS, PE, and PM.

“I’m glad you’re back Erika,” said MD with relief in his voice.

Just then KB whizzed by followed by Jilly, Anna, and Bo and Nora Fan who still had broken toilet flushers in their hands.

“Why?” asked ES.

“Because Kale, Tim, and John made me hang out with them,” fussed MD, “It was awful.”

“Why didn’t you hang out with Clint Ritche?” asked ES.

“He left,” said MD.

“Oh,” said ES.

Eli, with Cabbie’s help, snuck into the party with Moose and Mud.

Jason gave Dim a bouquet of flower with a note that read, “Don’t go anywhere for another year. Jason.”

Dim sniffled, “How sweet Jason.” She gave him a kiss on the cheek.

Dim gathered Flo, Jules, Robin, CC, and Tim Stickney thanking them for the party and told them she was having a blast.

“So Flo, got scoop?” asked Dim while everyone partied hard around her.

“Téa’s sad that John left her…” said FL. Then she turned to Rog, “When’s Todd coming back from Switzerland?”

Rog shrugged his shoulders, “I’m working on it.”

JFP, tipsy from DJ’s “Mambo Mama” drink, stood on SEW’s bar and got everyone’s attention. She was dragging on a stogie PC had given her. “Oh the count of three Everyone. One. Two. Three!” she yelled.

“Happy Anniversary Botrina!” everyone yelled.

NEXT:
1. As usual, RJ is arrested for the crime he didn’t commit.
2. JFP can’t find her snickers wrappers
3. What happened to the left over cake?
4. Makeup room gossip featuring Alyssa and Melissa.
5. Flo got scoop.