Satire - Part 59 - "RUMORS!! IT'S ALL RUMORS!!"

This is a work of fiction. It is meant to be satirical in nature. Initially published on 03 Jul 1999.

WHAT HAPPENS:
1. Poisonwood Rosie is back in rumor killing mode…
2. Diva Dano gets her coffee filter back
3. G.D. is upset at Botrina for helping RJ.
4. Finally! RS’s revenge! The Douglas Marland wallpaper makes it’s appearance.
5. Flo got scoop.

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It was early in the morning. Dim, Flo, and EP, dressed as Poisonwood Rosie, caught up with RS and CC the newbie in the ABC Studios commissary. Dim, Flo, and Poisonwood grabbed coffee and sat down with RS and CC.

“Flo, Poisonwood…you guys look…well, you look pissed…” said CC chomping on a bagel.

“Talk about re-writes! I got a sister now…Téa never had a sister before…” said FL sipping her coffee.

“Yeah…I had to spout some Tripe about my Dad being a jerk…” said Poisonwood going through her charm bag, “Damn! I’m low on chicken bones!”

RS grinned, “Girls - I think it’s time to re-do Jill’s office with my Douglas Marland wallpaper.”

“Robin, I love how your mind works,” said Dim taking a bit of her toast.

“But how are we going to get Jill out of her office?” asked Flo.

“We need a crisis on the set. You know how Jill likes to micromanage…” said CC foaming at her pack of ciggies looking around to make sure there were no lava lamps.

Dim grinned, “Maybe we could ask Hill to act fussy or something?”

“You want fussy? Have you see Diva Hickland and Diva Dano? Those two are fussy…!” said Poisonwood.

“I got it!” said RS. She called a football huddle and the girls plotted.

Flo felt a tug on her hand. It was little KA, who played “Starr.” She was holding a toilet flusher and looking for Hill, having promised Jilly that she would give Hill her toilet flusher.

Meanwhile, In JFP’s office…

JFP dragged on her ciggie as she polished her Tim Gibbs picture frame. She held up Robin Christopher’s next to Tim’s and nodded her head ‘no’. Kale Brown, Tim Gibbs, and John Bolger waltzed in. Sandwiched in-between them was Mark Derwin who looked totally reluctant to be there. Jill’s face lit up, “What’s up boys? Why’s Mark here? He doesn’t usually hang out with you.”

“Male bonding…” said JB slapping MD on the back.

“Really…I got something to do..” fussed MD.

“What?” asked JFP lighting another ciggie.

“Well, Erika Slezak wants me to run lines with her…” muttered MD.

“Erika’s not in today…” said JFP.

“You’re stuck with us…” grinned TG.

MD frowned.

“Jill, bad news…PC has gone haywire. I can’t fix it,” said KB licking his lips.

JFP pouted, “All right. Call a press conference so I can announce the demise of PC…”

KB got on the phone and called Jonathan Reiner at TV Guide.

“Jill, we’ve heard a few rumors you should know about…” said TG, “Since you are the head idiot in charge…”

JFP dragged on her ciggies and showed off her picture frame, “Whatdya’ think?”

“You missed the bottom corner,” said TG.

“Thanks,” said JFP attending to it.

“Where’s mine?” asked JB.

MD rolled his eyes.

JFP ignored him, “So what rumors did you guys hear?”

“You hired Robin Christopher…” grinned JB, “Is she my new love interest? You know, Flo put me through the wringer…”

“Absolutely true!” grinned JFP dragging hard on her ciggies, all proud of herself.

“You also hired Roger Howarth…” hissed TG frowning.

“Rumor…” said JFP putting her hands on her hips.

“You hired Lorraine Broderick…” added KB licking his fingers.

MD rolled his eyes.

“Rumor…” fussed JFP.

“You hired Laura Koffman…” added JB.

“Rumors! It’s all rumors!!” said JFP lighting yet another ciggie.

“The missing Buchanan is Andrew…” muttered MD.

JFP gagged, “No way! I see I have some rumors to kill…”

JFP reached for the phone, “Poisonwood! Get over her. I have a job for you!”

Jill’s FOJ’s left with MD in tow.

Poisonwood Rosie walked into Jill’s office, “What’s up Jill?”

“Poisonwood, I need you kill a few rumors for me,” said Jill trying to decide on a nail polish color as she dragged on her ciggies.

“What’s in it for me?” asked Poisonwood.

Jill picked Banana Yellow, “Whatdya’ want?”

“I’m low on chicken bones, voodoo pins, Mardi Gras beads, and magic potions…” said Poisonwood, “Oh, and I need a new arm band…this one’s turning green…”

“Why do you make these unreasonable demands? I don’t have the budget…” fussed Jill trying to smoke her ciggies and paint her nails at the same time.

“Talk to the hand Jill. We’re number one in the demos and I know ABC just threw you some extra money…” said Poisonwood firmly.

“Yeah! But I had plans for that money!” said Jill spilling paint on her desk.

“You want me kill your rumors or what?” demanded Rosie.

“Oh, all right,” said JFP putting her nail polish down and cutting Poisonwood a check.

Just then KB walked in, “Jill you’re a go. Your press conference is at two.”

“Press conference?” questioned Poisonwood, her eyes lighting up. That would be a good time to wallpaper her office. She had to tell Robin.

“Yeah. I just fired the PC,” said Jill all proud of herself.

Poisonwood rolled her eyes.

Just then, little KA, holding a toilet flusher walked in looking for Hill. Jill sent KA to find her mother.

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Dim and TDS walked onto the Palace Bar set. PC, PE, LD, and TG were all ready there. The director yelled ‘Action!’ and the scene began. Asa and Renee were sitting at a booth and Asa was sipping on his nip.

“Asa, we should have gone to the diner,” said Renee.

“Why? You got something going on at the diner?” asked Asa, “Some young stud on the side?”

Renee blushed.

Kevin walked in with Rae and they made their way over to Asa and Renee.

“Hey Grandpa, Look who I found hanging out…” said Kevin, “This is Rae Cummings.”

Asa stood up and shook Rae’s hand, “Ain’t you a bit old for my grandson?”

Rae looked at Asa and gave him attitude, “Nice to meet such a charming old man.”

“That’s me…” grinned Asa as he lit a stogie. Rae choked on the smoke.

Botrina walked in with RJ and joined Asa, Renee, Rae, and Kevin.

“You rang?” said Botrina dressed in a power suit carrying a fancy briefcase.

“I got the a$$ with you young lady. What are you doing giving Buchanan dollars to RJ Gannon, hood of the year for his new club?” fussed Asa dragging on his stogie.

Renee and Rae waved the smoke off.

Kevin grinned, “Guess you fell outta’ favor with Grandpa, huh?”

“Stuff it Kevin,” said Botrina sarcastically.

RJ sneered at Kevin.

“G.D., I gave RJ a loan out of my own personal funds so he could get a start on a new club…” explained Botrina.

“You can relax now old man,” said RJ grinning, “But just to be on the safe side, you did bring your heart medication right?”

Renee held up Asa’s heart medication.

Asa took a shot of his nip, “My heart is just fine.”

Rae looked at Botrina and RJ, “You two are just adorable together. You make a cute couple. I give you my blessing.”

Botrina and RJ wrinkled their brows, “Well, ah…thanks…”

The scene ended.

Diva Hickland walked onto the set with Diva Dano’s coffee filters. She handed them to Diva Dano, “I’m sorry I took your coffee filters…”

“Apology accepted,” said Diva Dano reaching behind her and pulling out some pink coffee filters from out of her a$$, “Here Diva Hickland. Jill told me you liked pink so I got this stuff for you. Call it a peace offering,” said Diva Dano in a sickeningly sweet tone of voice.

Diva Hickland grinned at Diva Dano’s peace offering. They were pink coffee filters, “For me? You shouldn’t have…”

“Let me know how the first batch of coffee comes out…” grinned Diva Dano as she slyly walked off.

Diva Hickland went to go make some coffee with her new filters and came across little KA, at the coffee pot, holding a toilet flusher, looking for Hill.

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Poisonwood Rosie sauntered into the ABC office where ABCTim and ABCDiana hung out. She walked up next to ABCTim who looked at her like she was crazy. Poisonwood whipped out a VooDoo doll and stuck a chicken bone in it’s mouth as she muttered a hex.

“What are you doing?” asked ABCTim.

“Tim, I’m killing a few rumors…here…let me get on line…” grinned Poisonwood.

ABCTim, a slave to Poisonwood’s VooDoo doll let Poisonwood on line. Poisonwood killed a lot of rumors. Just as she was finishing up, little KA, carrying the same toilet flusher walked in looking for Hill.

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JFP walked into the Green Room dragging on two ciggies, followed by her FOJ’s, HBS, SM, and FL. JFP took her place behind the podium. She made HBS stand next to KB, FL stand next to JB, and SM stand next to TG. JR and Liz2 plus a whole lot of other media were gathered around.

“Ahem…” said JFP calling attention to herself as she lit another ciggie, “I have a very important announcement to make…”

“Bottom line up front Jill - you landed Roger Howarth, right?” asked Liz2 sounding obnoxious.

JFP rolled her eyes, “Ah, no. Besides, this show does not revolve “Todd”. Rog is my very dear friend and we’re still in negotiations…”

Liz2 gagged while she took a note.

“So, Jill, why did you call this press conference if it wasn’t to announce resigning Howarth?” asked JR.

“Well, Jon…” started JFP dragging on her ciggies and checking her snicker’s wrapper.

“Ah, Jill…it’s Buzzy…” said JR.

“Sorry, I forgot…” apologized Jill, “I have some bad news. With deep regret I must announce that PC MacIntyre has been let go due to creative differences with my vision…”

TG, KB, and JB looked sad.

Just then, little KA, still holding that toilet flusher rushed in. All eyes turned to KA as she walked up to HBS.

“Hill,” said little KA, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere! Jilly wanted you to have this.” KA gave Hill the toilet flusher.

“Oh, thanks Kristen. Did you thank Jilly for me?” asked HBS sweetly taking the toilet flusher.

“Uh-huh…” said KA grinning.

HBS and KA posed for pictures and answered questions from the press.

JFP turned to KB, “I can’t believe I’ve been stood up by a six year old!”

Meanwhile, in JFP’s office…

RS, Dim, and CC the newbie recruited EP, ET, GT, and SM help them wallpaper Jill’s office. As they put on the last bit of wallpaper, RS grinned. They wore painter’s hats and jumpsuits.

“Girls, this is what makes a soap great. Douglas Marland, a soap legend had ten rules. First rule: Watch the show,” said RS smoothing out the wrinkles on a bit of wallpaper.

“Second rule: Learn the history of the show,” said Dim reading the newly plastered wallpaper as she admired their work.

“Third rule: Read the fan mail,” said ET rinsing off her hands.

“Fourth rule: Be objective. Put aside your own personal likes and dislikes…” read EP shedding her painter’s clothes for her more comfortable VooDoo garb.

“Fifth rule: Talk to everyone - writers and actors especially…” said SM scratching her head, “Geez, I haven’t seen Jill since I was hired.”

“Sixth rule: Don’t change core characters…” read GT admiring their work.

“Don’t tell Jill that. She’s managed to pod Viki…and Nora…and Blair…and…” added Dim.

“Seventh rule: Build new characters slowly…” read CC. She was dying for a ciggie but spied a lava lamp on Jill’s filing cabinets.

“Eighth rule: if you feel staff changes are in order, look within the organization first…” read GT.

“Ninth rule: Don’t fire anyone for six months,” said ET running her hands through her hair.

“Poor Kevin Stapleton,” said Dim, “Jill’s first victim…gone after two months…”

“And last but not least, Good soap opera is good storytelling…” finished RS.

“Tell that to PC!” exclaimed Poisonwood.

Just then, JFP walked in with Diva Dano.

“Oh my God!” muttered JFP in shock. The ciggie fell out of her mouth.

Just then Diva Hickland walked in carrying a pot of pink coffee.” Diva Dano grinned.

“O.k. Dano - what’s in the coffee filters? Is this stuff safe to drink?” demanded Diva Hickland.

RS, Dim, SM, CC the newbie, GT, ET, and EP laughed.

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It was the end of the day. Flo and Dim were hanging out in their dressing room with TDS, JSS, and EP.

“How as the Ricky Martin concert Erika?” asked Dim.

EP grinned, “It was great!”

TDS grinned and held up a comic book, “Maybe Jill should read this comic and take some tips from it!”

“Don’t tease me…” said Dim, “I might leave a copy in her bathroom so she has some reading material…”

“So Flo, got scoop?” grinned JSS.

“Sykes and Tea is over. Sykes gets a new love interest…” said FL grinning.

Just then, AngelaB, the UPS girl delivered a postcard to Flo. Flo read, “Just remember who Téa’s one true love and soulmate is…see ya soon! Rog. P.S. I miss you too Flo.”

“I miss you too Rog,” grinned Flo.

NEXT:
1. The satire celebrates it’s first year anniversary!!
2. Rae gets a lot of work.
3. JFP has a bad day.
4. Botrina finally gets a storyline - she gets knifed! Bo gets pi$$ed.
5. CC finally cons PC out of a stogie.
6. ES finally realizes that CR is gone.
7. Flo got scoop.