Satire - Part 58 - "FLO, WHAT'S UP WITH THE WATERMELON?"

This is a work of fiction. It is meant to be satirical in nature. Initially published on 26 Jun 1999.

WHAT HAPPENS:
1. Dim does press. Guest staring JR and Liz2.
2. JB loses a bet to little Kristen Alderson and Ryan Marsini and has to carry around a watermelon all day.
3. JFP gets concerned when PC starts sending out even “weirder” email…
4. Botrina and Sophia cause trouble.
5. Flo got scoop.

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It was early in the morning. Dim and Flo were in their dressing room going over scripts and drinking coffee. A huge watermelon sat on Flo’s dressing room table.

Dim looked at Flo, “Flo, how’s Jules doing over in Switzerland? Did she find “Todd” yet?”

Flo giggled, “No, but she’s looking hard…”

Dim tossed her script into the garbage can, “Boy these scripts are drivel.”

“Tell me about it,” said Flo, “at least I’m getting a few scenes without Sykes.”

“Really?” asked Dim in shock, “Who else do you have scenes with?”

Just then little Kristen Alderson, who played “Starr” and little Ryan Marsini, who played “River”, opened the door. WK stood in back of them. He had to watch out for them and make sure they didn’t get into trouble.

“Hiya Flo. I got a ‘panish word in my ‘cipt I need help with…” said KA batting her big eyelashes.

“C’Mon in guys!” said Flo grinning, happy to see them.

“Hi kids! Hi Bob,” said Dim.

“Hi Dim!” the kids and Bob said in stereo.

Flo and KA hugged, “So let me see what word is troubling you…”

KA gave Flo her script and pointed to the troubling word.

“Hey Flo,” said RM, “How come you got a big huge watermelon on your dresser?”

“Well, I have to carry it around in my play…” explained FL.

Just then, JB stuck his head in the door. His face had cleared up from his allergic reaction and he had recaptured his youthful, matinee idol looks, “Hey Flo…”

Dim gave WK some coffee, “John, dude, can’t you see Flo is busy?” asked Dim.

JB sauntered into their dressing room like he owned the place. Flo and KA looked up.

“I’m kinda’ busy John,” said FL.

“Well, I got priority. I’m an FOJ. Didn’t you see my poster out in the main lobby? Psycho?” said JB.

“Great abs dude,” said WK.

“Yeah - you’re one fine matinee idol dude,” added Dim.

JB grinned, pleased at the “compliments.”

KA put her hands on her hips and pouted. This was her time with Flo, “Mr. John, how come you gotta’ hog up all of Flo’s time?” KA fussed.

RM walked up to KA protectively, “Because he’s and FOJ. That’s a bad word…” RM crossed his arms and glared at JB.

JB glared back down at RM, “Well, it all depends on how you look at it kid. It’s a good word for me.”

“I can prove it’s a bad word,” said RM.

“Yeah!” added KA.

WK, FL, and Dim giggled.

“I bet you can’t!” said JB.

Just then KdP stuck her head in the door and threw on her bookie hat, “Did somebody say ‘bet’?”

“John’s gonna bet against the kids,” said WK.

KdP whipped out her odds and stats sheet.

Dim smiled at KA and RM, “So kids, what’s the stakes?”

“Stakes?” asked RM.

“Yeah. If you can prove FOJ is a bad word then John here loses and has to do whatever you want him too, but if he wins you got to do whatever he wants,” explained FL.

RM and KA whispered between themselves.

JB tapped his foot, “Well, kids?”

KdP foamed at the mouth as she figured odds.

“Okay Mr. John, here’s the deal…” started KA.

“…You gotta carry around Flo’s watermelon all day if you lose…” said RM.

JB laughed, “O.k. And if you lose, you two gotta’ carry around the watermelon.”

KA and RM nodded their head in assent and everyone shook hands.

KdP finalized the odds and went to collect on bets with help from JdP.

“So,” asked John, “How ya’ gonna prove it?”

“Follow us!” said RM grabbing WK’s hand and running out. KA grabbed FL’s hand. Dim grabbed CC the newbie’s hand as CC was looking for KdP to place a bet. JB followed.

RM and KA took them outside the studio and stood on the studio steps. A little old lady walking her dog passed by.

“FOJ! FOJ!” yelled KA and RM at her.

The little old lady cringed and continued walking.

Dim and CC giggled.

The dePaiva’s showed up with the money.

Wendy Riche, who was the EP of GH and in town for a big pow wow with AS walked by.

“FOJ! FOJ!” yelled KA and RM at her.

Riche made a face and covered her head, sprinting off.

FL and WK giggled.

“That doesn’t prove anything,” said JB crossing his arms.

There were some morally bankrupt and pathetic fans hanging out in front of the studio. Little KA and went up to them.

“Are you guys fans?” asked KA.

“Yeah,” they said.

“What are your names?” asked RM.

“Jer, DeeDee, and Jilly,” they said.

“FOJ! FOJ!” yelled KA and RM.

“Yikes!” yelled Jer backing away.

“Gross!” yelled DeeDee feeling offended.

“You shouldn’t be calling us that! That’s a bad word!” exclaimed Jilly, “By the way, can you give Hillary B. Smith this toilet flusher?”

KA took the toilet flusher from Jilly.

Jer, DeeDee, and Jilly ran off.

KA and RM smiled at JB.

KdP ran out, “You lose John.”

JdP, who had picked up the huge watermelon delicately placed the watermelon in JB’s arms. JB looked stupefied. KdP collected the money.

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Dim and TDS walked onto the police station set joining JB, FL, RSW, HBS, KB, NP, CTJ, RS, CH, and CC the newbie. The director yelled ‘Action!’ and the scene began.

Bo, Det. West, Hank, and Téa were discussing strategy. JB had the grab on Lindsay who was fussing from the pain because JB was holding her too tight and leering at her. Under his other arm, he held a watermelon. Dorian stood next to Lindsay trading insults with Sykes.

Sam and Nora walked in followed by Sophia.

“I heard someone needed a lawyer,” said Sam.

“Sam, you gotta help me! I’m getting arrested for Jessica’s accident!” a despondent Lindsay exclaimed.

Dorian glared at Sykes remembering when Sykes had falsely arrested her and RJ.

“That’s no surprise. Sykes always arrest the wrong person. I wouldn’t be surprised if he framed your @$$ like he framed mine!” said Dorian sarcastically.

“Hey. I’m the best detective this department has!” protested Sykes.

“Heaven help us,” said Nora rolling her eyes.

“I’ll defend you Lindsay. I believe you’re innocent,” said heroic Sam.

Sophia stuck a finger in her mouth, like she was going to puke. Dorian chuckled at Sophia’s antics.

Bo, Det. West, Hank and Téa turned around and looked at Lindsay.

“Have you read Lindsay her rights yet?” asked Sam.

“That was the first thing we did!” said Sykes.

“I don’t remember!” spoke up Lindsay, “I don’t think you did.”

“Goof this up too?” asked Dorian sarcastically, “Let my partner go!”

Just then Botrina and RJ walked in. Sophia caught them up to speed and all three of them made puking gestures.

“Hey Sykes, what’s with the watermelon?” asked RJ trying to be annoying.

Sykes frowned, “It’s Téa’s. I’m just holding it for her ‘cos that’s the kind of chivirolous guy I am.”

Everyone raised an eyebrow and looked at Sykes.

“You, chivirolous? That’s a laugh. You’re more like…” started Botrina.

“Now, Trina…we all know Sykes is a wanna be porn star…” chuckled RJ.

“First chance I get Gannon, I’m gonna wipe the floor with you…” SHOUTED JB.

RJ just laughed.

Bo crossed his arm, “Why are you here Botrina? I know it’s not to cause trouble…”

“That’s exactly it!” grinned Botrina, “I just gave RJ the finical backing to start a new club.”

“Asa will be furious with you,” said Bo.

“G.D. loves me,” grinned Botrina, “He’ll deal. I’m his only grandkid interested in the family business.”

“Ah, this is not about Botrina. This is about arresting Lindsay for Jessica’s accident…” reminded Sykes.

“Det. West, go book Lindsay,” said Bo sadly.

“We’re going too,” said Sam pointing to him, Nora, and Sophia.

“Sophia?” said Dorian, “When did you become a lawyer?”

“She’s not. I needed a new paralegal since I fired Georgie and Sophia’s it…” explained Nora.

“Ah, didn’t Georgie, ah, DIE?” asked Botrina crossing her arms.

“I thought I fired her…” said Nora.

“No, she died,” said Hank, “Remember Rachel? Our daughter? Did Georgie in with a baseball bat?”

Nora looked stumped and turned to Sam and whispered, “Really? Georgie died?”

“I think so…” whispered Sam, “I can’t remember that far back…”

The scene ended.

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Dim and RS were creeping around the studio when JFP found them. JFP was smoking a few ciggies.

“Girls. II thought I told you two you had to do some press?” said JFP putting her hands on her hips, glaring at RS and Dim.

“Well…” stammered RS.

“Ah…” muttered Dim.

“Jonathan Reiner is expecting you down in his office. Like now. So go! Shoe!” said JFP waving her hands at Dim and RS.

Dim and RS pouted.

“Jill, I gotta’ go pee first…” said Dim using any lame excuse to get out of doing press.

JFP rolled her eyes and dragged on her ciggies, “Whatever. Hurry up and go.”

Dim ran to the bathroom.

JFP kept an eye on RS so she wouldn’t get away.

Dim fussed in the bathroom. She hemmed and hawed and finally realized there was no way out. She was going to have to do press. The door handled jiggled. Dim washed her hands and opened the door. It was JB holding his watermelon. They leered at each other and Dim walked off.

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JFP was in her office, sucking up to AS on the phone while smoking her ciggies. Just then HL, GS, and RB walked in holding mounds of email.

Jill hung up the phone and dragged on her ciggies, “What’s up the Another Life To Live Braintrust?”

“We got a bunch of emails from PC that conflicted with your vision so we wanted to run them by you…” said HL.

“PC is acting up again? I thought Kale fixed the computer after Dim and Robin dicked with it…” said JFP scratching her head confused-like.

“Whatever. I’ve got an email that has Bo and Nora locked in an elevator. Thinking they’re about to die, they make love…” said RB.

“What? That’s crazy!! Nora and Sam are…soulmates. Chuck that email and make it Nora and Sam in the elevator…” fussed JFP as she dragged on her ciggie.

“We got an email where Rae befriends Roseanne and helps her to get over her deep-seated anger against Téa…” said GS.

“What? That’s even crazier!! I want Linda Dano in scenes only with my FOJ’s…” insisted JFP.

“We got an email where Téa has a scene in which she dumps Sykes since he’s too dull for her…” added HL.

“Now that’s just plain wrong! Sykes is not dull!” pouted JFP.

“…AND Téa has a scene with Viki…” added HL.

“Fix that too. Don’t you know? Téa only has scenes with Sykes in it.” Insisted JFP.

“And finally, Botrina and RJ have a big shindig at RJ’s new club were Renee and cris share a passionate kiss…” said RB.

“Will you CAN the Renee and Cris stuff? They DO NOT have undeniable chemistry. Now Kevin and Fiona, ah…I mean Grace…THEY have undeniable chemistry!” fussed JFP dragging on her ciggie, “I’m worried about PC.”

JFP grabbed the phone, since her intercom wasn’t fixed yet, “Kale! I want you to fix PC or we’re gonna’ trash ‘em!”

HL, GS, and RB looked at each other, “We’re doomed…” they muttered.

Just then Diva Dano waltzed in.

“Jill, what’s this $hit? Diva Hickland is driving me crazy. She’s done something obnoxious to my coffee filters…”

“C’Mon, Rae…can’t we all get along?” asked JFP, “Look… I adore you Rae…but I like Cath too… just work it out with Diva Hickland. Give her something in pink and she’ll be your friend for life…look, give her pink coffee filters…It’s just that right now I’ve got other things to worry about…”

Diva Dano plotted her next move…

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Dim and RS walked into JR’s office.

“Hey Buzzy! What’s up? Gotcha’ something…” said Dim. She gave him a voodoo doll and a snickers wrapper she aquired from Jill.

JR grinned, “Cool. Thanks.”

JR was touched.

Liz2 fussed, “Hey! I’m Buzzy’s faithful put-upon assistant! Don’t I get something?”

RS and Dim looked at each other and picked their pockets.

RS pulled out some pocket lint and smiled.

“Ah, no…” said Liz2 sarcastically.

Dim pulled out a brand new notebook from her behind her back and gave it to Liz2. Liz2 smiled, touched that she was remembered.

“Okay - let’s get to business,” said RS, “Fire away Buzzy! By the way, how’s your dog, Gracie?”

JR grinned, “She’s great. Thanks for asking.”

“Ok - the big rumor is Roger Howarth is coming back. What’s the word on the set?” butted in Liz2 holding up her notepad and pen.

JR looked at Liz2, “Hey! This is my interview. What happened to you taking notes?”

Liz2 held up her notepad, “I can do that too.”

JR turned to Dim, “So, Dim, how long are Botrina and RJ going to remain on the backburner?”

“Ah…quite a while, actually. We haven’t had much to do since Botrina’s ecoptic pregnancy…” said Dim.

Liz2 frowned and took a note.

“Robin, how are your new puppies? Have you found them any new homes?” asked JR.

Robin smiled, “They’re doing great and no, I haven’t found them any homes yet.”

Liz2 took a note.

“How’s your new headwriter, PC MacIntyre doing?” asked JR.

RS and Dim giggled, “Well, PC has great vision. I think he’ll work out just fine.”

Liz2 took a note, “Hey guys, is it true PC is a computer?” she asked.

“Yep,” said RS and Dim.

“Guys, as you know, Another World has just gone off the air. What do you think about that?” asked JR seriously.

“I think it’s a d@mn shame to cancel such a long running quality show. Cris Goutman was doing good things over there,” said Dim.

“To all you Another World fans, all of us at One Life To Live salute you,” said RS sincerely.

Dim added, “And Jill hopes you’ll tune in to see Linda Dano, and AW favorites, Tim Gibbs, Kale Brown, and John Bolger.”

Liz2 did a “Blairian” eyeroll.

We pause for a moment of silence to honor the passing of Another World. Kudos to Cris Goutman and the cast and crew of Another World who worked hard over the years to give us fans a quality show. Thank you for entertaining us!

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It was the end of the day. Dim and Flo were hanging out in their dressing room. TDS, JSS, and EP were hanging out too.

“Guys, guess what? Erin and I got backstage passes to see Ricky Martin and sing Living LaVida Loca with him!” gushed EP all excited.

“Are you going as Poisonwood Rosie?” asked JSS.

TDS thumbed through his latest comic book, “You know - this comic book is better written than the show…”

“Tell me about it,” said Dim.

Just then KA and RM walked in beside JB.

“I’m here to return your watermelon Flo,” said JB.

“We wanted to make sure he did,” said little RM seriously.

“Where do you want him to stick it Flo?” asked KA crossing her arms.

Flo laughed her @$$ off, “You don’t want to know where…ah, seriously, put the watermelon on my dresser please.”

JB put the watermelon down and walked out. RM and KA hung out.

“So…Flo…got scoop?” asked Dim.

Flo grinned and coyly said, “Téa does more than just hang all over Sykes as an ornament…”

Just then, AngelaB, the UPS girl dropped off a postcard for Flo. Flo read, “Flo, just thought you should know I’m in negotiations to come back to the show. Cross your fingers and I’ll see you soon. Rog. P.S. I miss you too Flo.”

Flo grinned a knowing smile, “I miss you too Rog.”

NEXT:
1. Poisonwood Rosie is back in rumor killing mode…
2. Diva Dano gets her coffee filter back
3. G.D. is upset at Botrina for helping RJ.
4. Finally! RS’s revenge! The Douglas Marland wallpaper makes it’s appearance.
5. Flo got scoop.