Satire - Part 56 - "MAY THE BEST DIVA WIN..."

This is a work of fiction. It is meant to be satirical in nature. Initially published on 12 Jun 1999. This is a Satire Classic.

WHAT HAPPENS:
1. More dartboard fun and new flavor of the week.
2. PC MacIntyre’s mysterious identity is revealed.
3. Makeup Room Gossip Crew places bets
4. Diva Hickland pouts when Jill makes play favorites with Linda Dano.
5. Flo got scoop.

That afternoon after lunch the make-up room gossip crew got together. The usual suspects, FL, DJ, DF, JSS, GT, ET, EP, RS, Dim, and CC the newbie got together.

“So,” said DJ, “Who do you guys think PC MacIntyre is?”

Just then KdP and JdP walked in taking bets. KdP had on her “bookie” hat and stat book while JdP collected the money.

“Well, I found a hidden passage from Jill’s office to Pam Long’s old office…” said Dim kicking back.

“I think PC MacIntyre is really Jill,” said CC the newbie counting how many ciggies were left in her pack and foaming at the mouth to smoke one.

“I’ve got 3 to 1 odds on Jill. She’s the leading favorite right now,” said KdP grinning.

“Why do you think it’s Jill?” asked DJ.

“C’Mon - it’s obvious - we get served the same storyline crud day after day…have you read Jill’s snickers wrappers?” asked CC matter-of-factly.

“I bet PC MacIntyre is really your mysterious man in black, SEW…” hinted Dim.

CC blushed fantasizing of “romantic” SEW lighting her ciggie… KdP nodded her head, “SEW’s not good odds - 10 to 1…”

“Why Dim?” asked DJ.

“Why not?” grinned Dim.

“Well, I saw “Cooley” the security guard snooping around the studio late at night…I bet he’s really PC MacIntyre,” said DF smiling at ET.

“Cooley’s odds are 8 to 1…” said KdP.

“Gimme 5 bucks on Cooley…” said ET grinning at DF and touching up her blush.

“Well,” said RS, “My money’s on Meager McT…I mean, Meagan McTavish…” Her cell phone began ringing. It was for CH. RS hung up. They must have screwed up cell phones again.

“Why Robin?” asked DJ.

“Well, we just did Ghost Meagan and she loves doing Ghost things…” said RS

KdP checked her book, “McT’s good odds… 4 to 1…”

“Gimme five bucks on McT…” said JSS making googoo eyes at Dim.

“Well, I say PC MacIntyre is really Sam,” said DJ.

“Why?” asked FL.

“Because Sam does everything and is in every storyline…” said DJ.

“Sam’s at 6 to 1 odds,” said KdP.

JdP collected the money.

“Flo, who’s your money on?” asked GT touching up her lipstick.

Flo grinned, “Cole Howard from the Young and the Restless. He’s a writer…”

“Bad odds Flo,” said KdP.

“So how are we gonna find out who PC MacIntyre really is?” asked ET.

EP, dressed as Poisonwood Rosie wiped out a bottle of special VooDoo Potion in a curvy VooDoo glass and said, “There’s enough acid in this special potion to melt two door locks…”

Everyone grinned.

*********************************************************************************************************

Dim, RSW, NP, CTJ, FL, and JB showed up on the DA’s office set. The director yelled ‘Action!’ and the scene began.

Botrina, dressed in a “Botrina Tran Power Suit” with a shorty-short skirt walked into Hank’s office looking for her father, Bo, and found Bo, Hank, and Det. West shooting darts.

“So guys, is this a weekly thing now? Who’s the new flavor this week?” asked Botrina grinning.

“Kevin,” said Hank grinning.

“Oh goodie! Can I shoot a dart?” asked Botrina grinning.

Bo gave his daughter a dart. She shot a bulls eye right up “Kevin’s” nostril.

Det. West offered Botrina a donut from the box of “Dunkin Donuts” on Hank’s desk.

“Want one, Botrina?” asked Det. West.

“Sure. Got a really juicy, icky strawberry jelly filled one?” asked Botrina foaming at the mouth. It had been sooooo long since she had a “Dunkin’ Donut.”

“Yep,” said Det. West giving Botrina her donut.

Just then Sykes walked in with Téa on his arm looking like a Christmas tree ornament.

“Bo - news on Jessica’s accident…” he stopped and sneered at Botrina, “And you stay away from me. Everytime you come near me something always bad happens to me…”

“Oh, poor spit upon John. Nobody likes you…” teased Botrina.

“Well, I like you…”mumbled Téa.

“Stop it you two,” said Bo with authority, “What do you have John?”

Sykes acted all high and mighty, “We found the car that hit Jessica…”

“Who does it belong too?” asked Bo.

Hank and Det. West looked on intently.

“Botrina!” said Sykes.

“My @ss…” said Botrina, “The only thing my car wants to hit is you.”

“Are you sure it doesn’t belong to Sam?” asked Hank.

“Why do you say Sam, Hank?” asked Sykes looking like Hank was a fool.

“Because Sam’s got his fingers in every storyline on this show…” said Hank.

“Sykes, why don’t you go annoy your buddy Sam and pump him for information and leave me and my guy alone…” said Botrina putting her hands on her hips.

Téa said nothing and continued to look like an ornament.

“You’re a punk Botrina…” said Sykes stepping into Botrina’s personal space.

Botrina rolled her eyes and bit into her donut, “Whatever,” she said.

Strawberry juicy icky jelly flew out the hole and splattered all over Sykes’s face.

The scene ended.

JB wiped off his face and pouted off the set as usual, lamenting on the fact that NOBODY liked “Sykes’s”.

“C’Mon, Dim…let’s go catch a cup of coffee,” said RSW grinning.

“Sure, Bob…” said Dim.

They started to walk down the hallway and came across Diva Hickland fussing as she strode out of Jill’s office.

“Cath - what’s wrong?” asked RSW.

“I’m pi$$ed. Jill wants me to share my dressing room with Linda Dano. No way! I just got it all done in my favorite shade of “Ralph Lauren” pink…” fussed CH.

“Diva… I share your pain…” said Dim sweetly. She believed in killing people with kindness.

“Bob - you’ve got pull with Jill - you just gotta talk to her and convince her I don’t need a roommate. Why don’t you suggest that Jill stick Linda Dano in with Erin and Erika…” said CH.

“Oh THAT would be a hoot… Diva Dano hanging with Jessica the Rebel and Poisonwood Rosie…” giggled Dim. Bob giggled too.

“All right Cath - I’ll talk to Jill for you…” said RSW.

Dim rolled her eyes.

**********************************************************************************************************

The make-up room gossip crew gathered outside of Pam Long’s old office. Poisonwood Rosie poured her special potion on the doorknob and it melted right off from the acid. DJ, DF, and JSS, acting all “macho” and showing off, kicked in the door. KdP and JdP, in their matching “bookie” hats walked in first carrying the odds sheet and the money.

Everyone’s mouth dropped. In the middle of the office was a glow in the dark florescent periwinkle “PC” and a green & red plaid colored “iMac” computer wired together kicking out sheets of paper.

Dim tip-toed up to the computer and read the papers.

“Well Dim?” asked the gossip crew with baited breath.

Dim’s mouth dropped as she read, “Continuing Plot: Matthew’s paternity results are mixed up again…Nora thinks the father is…”

“Oh my God!” exclaimed KdP.

“PC MacIntyre is a computer!!!” finished RS.

Everyone groaned.

The dePaiva’s looked horrified at the thought.

Jill came sauntering into the room smoking two ciggies followed by her gang of FOJ’s. She didn’t flinched as she smiled, “So, guess who won the “guess PC’s mysterious identity” pool?” She held out her hand. The dePaiva’s handed over the money. Jill gave the money to JB, TG, and KB to count.

“Jill - you can’t be serious… this COMPUTER writes the show for you?” asked Dim in shock.

“It writes the ENTIRE show,” laughed Jill, “This way I don’t have any writers to deal with - no one gets a bruised ego and there’s NO ONE to interfere with my VISION for the show…” Jill dragged on her ciggies.

The make-up room gossip crew was flabbergasted.

*****************************************************************************************************

At the end of the day, FL, Dim, TDS, JSS, and EP were hanging out in Dim and Flo’s dressing room.

“So Flo, got scoop?” asked EP putting new VooDoo tricks into her “charm” bag.

“Téa gets pi$$ed at Sykes and has to go to Linda Dano’s new character, “Gretal” for relationship counseling…” said FL rolling her eyes.

“You know what I heard? I heard Jill gave Diva Hickland a roomie…” said TDS grinning.

“She’s upset too,” said Dim all serious, “Linda Dano wants to redo it in passion purple and Diva just got it painted in her favorite shade of pink…”

JSS grinned, “Watch out - May the best Diva win…”

AngelaB dropped off a postcard for Flo. Flo read, “Flo…You looked bored as Sykes’s personal ornament. Can’t wait to see your play. That “Scruffy” guy looks scary… 5 bucks says Jill gets you flowers like she did me…Rog. P.S. I miss you too Flo.”

“I miss you too Rog…” said FL sadly.

NEXT:
1. Diva Hickland and Diva Dano square off over the dressing room.
2. Botrina finds out the results of Matthew’s paternity test and gives ‘em to Bo.
3. Jill gets good news at Mail call. Bad news for fans…
4. Dim and RS get sneaky and “jimmy-rig” PC MacIntyre…
5. Flo got scoop.