Satire - Part 55 - "SAM IS THE FLAVOR OF THE WEEK"

This is a work of fiction. It is meant to be satirical in nature. Initially published on 04 Jun 1999.

WHAT HAPPENS:
1. The snoop crew tries to find the goods on PC. With special help from Poisonwood Rosie.
2. Nora takes Sophia to a Synagogue.
3. A new “Dimmian Tragedy” befalls Sykes.
4. HL, GS, and RB have a talk with JFP.
5. Flo got scoop.

It was early in the morning. Flo and Dim were in their dressing room drinking coffee. Jules, Flo’s personal assistant, had come over to help FL with her “Muffy” mail.

FL looked up from her script, “So Jules, what’s today’s intake?”

“62 letters for Muffy, 2 for Téa,” said Jules surrounded by mail.

There was a knock on the door.

“C’Mon in,” said Dim sipping her java.

It was SM, “Flo, what’s your count?”

“397,” said FL.

“Well, I just got 75 letters for Kit, so my count’s up to 452,” said SM grinning.

Just then RS walked in with CC, “Girls, we got a mission.”

“What’s that Robin?” asked Dim.

“To find our new headwriter, PC MacIntyre and give a passal load full of storyline ideas…” said RS, “Here’s the plan…”

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The snoop crew, all dress in black, went to the production booth and paged Jill, claiming Diva Hickland needed to see Jill. After a few minutes, when they could smell Jill’s ciggies, they took off for Jill’s office. CC and SM with her Kit Fisher gun stood guard while Dim, RS, and FL snooped around Jill’s office. FL went through Jill’s snicker’s wrappers. RS went though Jill’s desk. Dim tapped the walls looking for secret, hidden passages.

CC stuck her head through the door, “Hurry up!”

RS looked up, “Why? Is Jill coming?”

“No, but I’m stressing and need a ciggie…” said CC.

RS waved her off. RS picked up Jill’s intercom and put it back down. Then she got an idea. She pulled out the Douglas Marland tape that she got in the mail and rigged it so the cassette would play over Jill’s intercom instead of Jill’s regular “Twilight Zone” music. RS secured the tape with superglue.

FL just stared on in amazement.

“Hey guys, come here!” said Dim. FL and RS gathered around.

Dim took down a huge framed picture of Linda Dano and Jill to reveal a hidden passage.

“Where does it go?” asked FL.

“I’m gonna find out,” said Dim going in.

Just then CC stuck her head in, “Guys, Jill’s coming down the hall with her FOJ’s.”

“$hit!” yelled Robin.

FL stuck her head down the passage, “Dim, Jill’s coming! Hurry up!”

Dim walked out, “It goes to PC MacIntyre’s office but I didn’t get a chance to go inside.”

“Interesting,” said RS.

RS, FL, and Dim joined CC and SM and they all slithered off like snakes, avoiding Jill. CC went outside to smoke a ciggie. SEW, man in black, lit it for her.

**************************************************************************************************

Dim, NP, CTJ, RSW, TDS, FL, and JB showed up on the set of the DA’s office. Dim was dressed in a new Botrina Tran power suit and looked sharp. The director walked on the set and yelled, ‘Action!’. The scene began.

Botrina and RJ waltzed into Hank’s office only to find Hank, Det. West, and Bo shooting darts.

Bo shot a dart and it hit the picture of “Sam” square in the nose.

Botrina giggled, “What’s with the dartboard?”

RJ grinned. He kinda’ liked it.

“Sam is the flavor of the week,” grinned Bo.

“You know how you Buchanan’s can’t stand those Rappaports…” said Det. West slyly.

Botrina grinned, “Will is cute.”

RJ frowned.

“What brings you by Botrina?” asked Hank.

“I just wanted to let you guys know I was sick of Sykes and filed harassment charges against him. I also got a restraining order on him,” said Botrina.

“He can’t go 100 feet near Botrina now,” said RJ smugly.

Just then Sykes walked in with Téa on his arm.

“Hey Bo, me and Téa got some news on Jessie’s accident…” said Sykes.

RJ picked up a dart.

Botrina shoved her restraining order in Sykes’s face.

Hank threw a dart at “Sam.”

“What’s this?” asked Sykes.

Téa rolled her eyes while trying to took ornamental.

Det. West threw a dart at “Sam.”

“It’s a restraining order. Stay 100 feet away from me,” said Botrina smugly.

“What? You’re crazy,” said Sykes.

Téa looked at it, “It’s legit, John”

“Bo, can she do this?” asked Sykes all high and mighty.

“Yeah,” said Bo throwing a dark at “Sam”, “Now what about Jessie’s accident?”

RJ threw a dart.

“Well…” started Sykes.

RJ’s dart missed, went through Sykes’s hairpiece and finally landed on “Sam’s” face.

Sykes turned red and got pi$$ed.

Everyone giggled.

The scene ended.

******************************************************************************************************

RS and Dim walked into JFP’s office with the mail. JFP was furiously writing away on her snickers wrappers. She looked, “Got the mail girls?” asked as she lit a ciggie.

“The most hated couple on daytime TV is Téa and Sykes…” started Dim.

“I don’t agree. I think Sykes and Téa are HOT,” said JFP dragging on her ciggie.

“Kevin and Grace are a cold freezer,” said RS.

“How can anyone not melt at Tim’s smoldering eyes and overpowering male sexuality?” asked JFP lighting another ciggie.

“Mark Derwin is a babe…” read Dim.

“Well, at least you got that one right,” said JFP.

“You got 175 snail mail pleas to hire a competent headwriter for the show,” said RS.

“I got a headwriter, PC,” said JFP dragging on both ciggies.

“A competent one?” asked RS.

JFP pressed her intercom, “Harding! Gill! Dick! Get up here!”

RS fidgeted. Just then, Douglas Marland’s voice came over the intercom, “When introducing new characters, ease them into…”

Jill lit another ciggie and looked at Dim and RS crossing her arms, “Which one of you have been dicking around with my intercom?”

Dim and RS just smiled.

*************************************************************************************************************

It was the end of the day. Dim, Flo, TDS, JSS, and EP were hanging out in Dim and Flo’s dressing room.

“Guys, Jill’s promising me a hot love triangle with Jessie and Cris when Erin gets back off of vacation….” Said JSS.

“Jill promised me a hot romance and look what I got…” said FL.

“You trust Jill?” asked TDS.

JSS looked sad. Dim gave him a beenie toy to cheer him up.

“Hey Flo, I hear you’re in a play…” said EP.

“Yeah, I dug up some work on the side to challenge me…” said FL grinning, “By the way, I hear you’re on a billboard.”

EP blushed, “It’s just for underwear…”

“So Flo, got scoop?” asked TDS.

“Téa gets drunk when she loses a game of pool to Sykes…” said FL, “Really turns him on…”

Just then AngelaB delivered a postcard to Flo.

Flo read, “Flo, I see you dug up some work. Can’t wait to check out your play. By the way, tell Poisonwood she looks really HOT on that billboard wearing that underwear. They put it up right across from my old theater. I saw it everyday I went to work. Remember, don’t get mad, get even…Rog. P.S. I miss you too, Flo.”

“I miss you too Rog,” said FL.

NEXT:
1. More dartboard fun and new flavor of the week.
2. PC MacIntyre’s mysterious identity is revealed.
3. Makeup Room Gossip Crew places bets
4. Diva Hickland pouts when Jill makes play favorites with Linda Dano.
5. Flo got scoop.