Satire - Part 54 - "THEY'VE GOT THE BEST HAIRPIECES IN PINK..."

This is a work of fiction. It is meant to be satirical in nature. Initially published on 29 May 1999.

WHAT HAPPENS:

1. The snoop crew tries to find the goods on PC. With special help from Poisonwood Rosie.
2. Nora takes Sophia to a Synagogue.
3. A new “Dimmian Tragedy” befalls Sykes.
4. HL, GS, and RB have a talk with JFP.
5. Flo got scoop.

It was mid-morning at the OLTL studios. The snoop crew, FL, Dim, RS, CC the newbie, and SM broke from their football huddle with special guest Poisonwood Rosie and briskly set out to accomplish their tasks. Flo, Dim, and Sue were to distract Jill while Poisonwood, RS, and CC snuck into the Headwriter’s office looking for PC, the new headwriter. They all wore characteristic black. Flo, Dim, and Sue blazed their way into JFP’s office only to find Jill talking to her writers, Harding Lemay, Gillian Spencer, and Richard Backus.

Jill paused from reading her snickers wrappers and looked up at Dim, Flo, and Sue. Two ciggies hung out of her mouth.

“Dim. Flo. Sue. Can’t you see your interrupting a meeting with my writers?” said JFP putting her wrappers down on her desk.

“Well, we had a few ideas for some stories…” said Dim crossing her arms. “Yeah…like Téa’s long lost daughter shows up…” said FL.

HL, GS, and RB’s eyes lit up and they looked excited to hear a decent idea.

Jill dragged on her ciggies and rolled her eyes, “Nobody wants to see that…”

“And I got this good idea to turn Grace into a gun totting vigilante named Kit Fisher…” said SM.

“Sue, you’ve been on the show for what? Three months so far and you’re this obnoxious?” said Jill crossing her arms.

“Well, if you write for me like Kit, I’m gonna act like it…” said SM.

“You guys got anymore good storyline ideas?” asked HL.

“Sure Pete…we got plenty. But what about PC MacIntyre’s ideas? Isn’t PC the new headwriter?” asked Dim suspiciously.

“Well, we never see PC…” said GS.

JFP dragged on her ciggies and looked away with a “caught-in-the-headlights” look.

“Besides, all we get from PC is emails with the same storyline crud…” said RB.

“Girl meets boy, boy meets psycho, insta-lust love triangle…” finished HL.

“How, Harding….the fans love that stuff. Montana BooBee was a big hit last year…” said JFP pouting.

“Montana BooBee was a hit. Barbara Graham was a bust,” said FL.

“Do I detect some passive aggression Flo?” asked JFP putting her hands on her hips.

“Who me? Goddess of the Backburner?” asked FL imitating Jill’s gesture.

Jill dragged on her ciggies, “Have some faith in PC. Say, why are you three dressed in black anyway?”

Meanwhile, in the headwriter’s office last occupied by Pam Long…

RS, CC the newbie, and Poisonwood Rosie stood outside of Pam Long’s old office, all dressed in black. Poisonwood was trying to pick the lock with a ten foot long VooDoo looking hairpin.

“C’Mon Poisonwood! Wasn’t Spammy your buddy?” asked RS, “That’s why we hired you to break into the headwriter’s office…”

“I’m trying. Jill must have changed Pammy’s locks…” fussed Poisonwood, “Damn! I broke a hairpin!”

CC paced the hall, “Hurry up will you…I’m getting stressed…and when I get stressed I need a ciggie…”

RS and Poisonwood hovered over the lock. Poisonwood pulled out a credit card.

“Uh-oh…” said CC.

RS and Poisonwood looked up.

TG and KB stood there with their arms crossed and frowns on their faces. “Busted,” said RS.

*************************************************************************************************

Hill, CC, Dim, WK, and JB showed up on the Synagogue set ready to shoot their scenes waiting for the director.

Hill turned to Dim and CC, “Now this is what Agnes Nixon’s philosophy was all about…”

Dim and CC were in awe.

JB, who was fussing with his hairpiece, had to interrupt the moment when he SHOUTED to Diva Hickland who was walking past, “Hey Cath! I need your expert advice…!”

Diva Hickland stopped dead in her tracks and gave him a Lindsay sneer, “That’s Diva Hickland to you. All non-contract players call me Diva.”

“Sorry Diva…look, I need your advice…!” SHOUTED JB.

“Will, you stop shouting?” asked CC, “I’m sure the Diva can hear you.”

JB leered at her and turned to Diva Hickland.

“So, what can I do for you?” asked Diva Hickland.

“My hairpiece is giving me problems,” pouted JB, “Seems I go through one a week and my usual store is all out…”

“You should buy your hairpieces from Macy’s Mens shops. They’ve got the best hairpieces in pink,” said Diva Hickland grinning.

“Thanks, Diva…” said JB.

“I do know my fashion,” said Diva Hickland walking off.

“So, Hill,” said Dim turning to HBS, “Where’s Kale? How come Sam isn’t in this scene with you?”

Hill feigned shock, “No way! I can’t believe it! I’m finally in a scene without Sam!! John, why don’t you go shout it off the rooftop?”

JB leered at Hill, “Haw. Haw. Funny Hill.”

The director walked onto the set and yelled, ‘Action!’. The scene began.

Sophia followed Nora into the Synagogue like an eager beaver. Botrina, who was raised with French Catholic nuns in Vietnam, begrudgingly followed Nora and Sophia. Andrew followed her in. He was along for the ride since Nora asked him to come.

“I’m in awe…” said Sophia.

Nora smiled at her young niece. Just then Sykes busted in with his minions from the Llanview PD.

Nora sneered.

Sophia pouted.

Botrina looked exasperated.

Andrew was flustered.

“Sykes…whatever you’re here for, don’t do it. We’re in a house of the Lord,” said Botrina in a very annoyed tone of voice.

“Botrina…you’ve done it again…You forget to register Buchanan Enterprises’s company car…” said Sykes.

“Look here you lounge lizard…” started Sophia.

Andrew butted in, “Here, let me,” said Andrew putting his arm around Sophia, “I don’t get much airtime so I want to make the most of it.”

“O.k. Reverend Andy…” said Sophia backing off.

Andrew grinned at Sykes and rolled his eyes.

“I can’t believe you would be so disrespectful…” muttered Andrew.

“Who me?” asked Sykes, “I have no shame.”

“Tell me about it. At least my love scene last year with Téa was tasteful compared to yours…” muttered Andrew putting his arm around Sykes’s shoulder and walking him out of the Synagogue. Andrew then proceeded to kick and stomp on Sykes. Somehow Sykes’s hairpiece got lost in the sewer. The scene ended.

*****************************************************************************************************

The make-up room gossip crew, DJ, DF, JSS, FL, GT, EP, ET, Dim, CC the newbie, and RS met in the make-up room. The Vets, PE, PC, ES, PM, and CR showed up. Special guests, KdP, JdP, TDS, NP, CTJ, WK, little KA and RM, MD, Diva Hickland, and Eli were present. Jill’s FOJ’s TG, KB, and JB showed up with Jill in tow. With everyone present, RS and Dim passed around a congratulation card for Susan Lucci for winning the Daytime Emmy for Best Actress.

The cast and crew had gathered because they were throwing Hill a big birthday bash for Hill’s birthday and had even invited JR and Liz2 from TV Guide. ET and EP brought in a birthday cake and passed around a birthday card for Hill. Even Jill signed the card, “Love and Ciggies, xoxoxo, Jill.”

EP looked down the hall turned around, “Hill and Bob are on their way!” Dim shut the lights off.

RSW walked in with Hill.

ES lead the cast a rousing rendition of “Birthday” as done by the Beatles.

Hill was touched.

She opened her card, blew out her candles and cut the cake. Then she collected her gifts.

AngelaB, the UPS girl, dropped off several packages for Hill. Jilly sent Hill a box of Hill’s favorite chapstick. Anna and Bo and Nora Fan sent Hill a really nice coffee mug from Starbucks. Hill was happy to get her gifts and made a memo to send them thank you cards.

Then the gossip crew began to gossip as the party got underway.

“Has anyone met PC MacIntyre, the new headwriter?” asked DJ.

“I tried to pick the lock to the headwriter’s office but I got busted,” said EP eating cake.

“The writers say all they get from PC is emails and they’ve never met her…” added Dim fueling the fire.

“Did anyone see Jill’s interview about headwriters?” asked GT sipping her coke.

“I hate to say it but Jill came off a tad bit flaky…” said Flo honestly.

Eli walked up to Jill who was smoking her ciggies and gabbing with KB, TG, and Diva Hickland and asked, “When do I get to come down from the attic?”

“Who are you?” gagged Jill.

Just then JR and his assistant, Liz2 from TV Guide walked in. They gave Hill a birthday card.

“Sorry we’re late Hill. We were interviewing Paul Rauch,” said JR.

“No problem…” said Hill.

The dePaivas grabbed some cake and grinned at JB. JB freaked and ran behind KB hiding like a little boy.

PE and DF walked up to JR and Liz2.

“Buzzy, can you write in your next article that David and I are planning to meet with Renee and Cristan fans at the local mall?” asked PE.

“Will do,” said JR.

Liz2 took a note.

CC walked up to PC, CR, and RSW who were all smoking stogies and asked really nicely if they would share.

Dim and JSS flirted with each other as they fed each other cake.

TDS was talking to WK when AngelaB, the UPS girl, delivered him some new jazz music from Erikah Badu. TDS was very happy but sad that he didn’t have Club Indigo to play it in.

ES and MD were approached by JR and Liz2.

“How are you two enjoying your front burner romance?” asked JR, “Is this out of character for Viki?”

ES grinned, “Viki decided to take a chill pill and has lightened up a bit.”

Liz2 took a note.

MD grinned, “Erika’s a great co-star…”

Liz2 took another note and tried not to drool since she thought MD was hot.

NP and CTJ began digging around in old props and discovered a dartboard with an old picture of Spammy Long on it.

NP grinned and CTJ, “I say we stick this up in Hank’s office but change the picture…”

“To who?” asked CTJ.

RS walked up to them, “If you need pictures I have old Tim Gibbs, John Bolger, and Kale Browne wallpaper…”

SM walked up, “I’ll even autograph a pic for you…Love, Kit.”

CTJ said, “Honey, no one wants to throw darts at you.”

JR walked up to JFP who was STILL gabbing with her FOJ’s and smoking three ciggies.

“Jon, how’s tricks?” asked Jill.

“Its, ah…Buzzy…” said JR.

“Right,” said Jill, “Having a good time at Hill’s party?”

“Sure Jill. How does it feel knowing the boycott is over?” asked JR.

All conversation stopped. You could hear a pin drop. Jill got serious and put out her ciggies by mashing them on the floor. Then she put her arm around JR’s shoulder and began walking toward her office. Liz2 eagerly followed to take notes.

“Buzz…I’m gonna be open and honest here….here’s my feelings on the boycott…” Jill droned off. Everyone was foaming at the mouth wondering what Jill was telling them.

************************************************************************************************

Later on in the evening, TDS, Dim, Flo, EP, and JSS were hanging out in Dim and Flo’s dressing room.

“Hey, what did you all think of the Emmys?” asked Dim.

“I was happy for all the winners, including Susan Lucci,” said FL sincerely.

“I thought the appetizers smelled a little funny…” said JSS.

“Well, it didn’t help that the only way to get to your table was through the bathroom,” added TDS.

“So, Flo, got scoop?” asked EP.

“Téa and John investigate an accident,” said FL.

“What accident? Where Jill accidentally misplaced Téa’s brain?” asked Dim grinning.

Just then RS walked in and grinned, “Dim, good news! AngelaB, the UPS girl, finally delivered the Douglas Marland Ten ways to write good soap opera wallpaper. It also comes with a special cassette.”

“Cool,” said Dim.

“By the way Flo, this postcard is for you,” said RS handing FL a postcard.

FL read, “Flo, if you have a few days off, since you’re on the backburner, let’s go to a few auditions and see what we can dig up? By the way, we’re having a big bash to wrap up the play. Why don’t you show up? Rog. P.S. I miss you too Flo.”

Flo sighed, “I miss you too Rog.”

NEXT:
1. NP and CTJ stick the dartboard up in Hank’s office.
2. Botrina files charges against Sykes for harassment.
3. The snoop crew discovers a hidden passage to PC’s office.
4. FL and SM get more hate mail.
5. RS, Dim, and CC change Jill’s intercom music.
6. Flo got scoop.