Satire - Part 53 - "SOMETHING'S FISHY, BUZZY..."

This is a work of fiction. It is meant to be satirical in nature. Initially published on 22 May 1999. This is a Satire Classic.

WHAT HAPPENS:

1. Dim finds out who's really writing the show.
2. Botrina and RJ have a hot sleezy porno scene on Botrina's housing-code violating houseboat and gets BUSTED by Sykes.
3. Madame Delphina is hired by RS to pay JFP a visit.
4. Flo got scoop.

It was early in the morning. RS and CC invited Hill, Sue, Dim, and Flo to their 60’s looking lava lamp, psychedelic florescent colored decorated dressing room for the first official meeting of the Java Joe crew. They were all sharing an early morning cup of ‘Joe.

“So Sue…get anymore Kit Fisher letters…?” asked Dim sipping her mocha.

“Yeah…I’m thinking of starting a Kit Fisher fan club ‘cos I think “Grace” has just about one fan,” said SM sipping her Colombian brew coffee.

“Hey…when I first started out I had hate letters up the wazoo,” said FL, “And at the rate I’m going, I’ll be joining your Kit Fisher club…” Flo sipped her cappuccino.

“Let’s have a competition. Most hate letters has to buy Jill a year’s supply of ciggies…” said Dim.

“You get hate letters?” asked Hill sipping her espresso.

“You’d be surprised…” said Dim grinning.

“Well, since me and Dim collect the mail, we’ll tally up the results….” said RS grinning.

Just then there was a knock on the door. RS opened the door and Lea DeLaria showed up dressed up as Madame Delphina.

“Girls. I called in the big guns. Madame Delphina is going to help us out with Jill. She’s gonna tell us what Jill’s up to next…” said RS sipping her ‘joe. She offered LDL some high-powered coffee.

“Well, let’s face it…we need all the heads up we can get,” said Hill frowning, “I only get a 12 hour notice when I have to do a baby oil scene…”

“O.k. everyone, calm down. The spirits are talking…” said Delphina waving her hand.

Everyone looked on in eager anticipation.

Delphina turned to RS, “By the way, I expect my usual fee…”

“Whatever! Get on with it…” said RS.

“O.k….Jill will make Nora and Sam have incredible sex…” said Delphina.

Nora winced, “Time to stock up on the chapstick and toilet flushers…I hear Jilly inventing a titanium alloy toilet flusher…”

Delphina waved her arms, “Jill will keep Téa on the backburner while Sykes is doing a play…”

FL made a face, “At least I can catch up on my reading…I got this story called ‘Hazy Shade of Winter’ I want to read….”

“Jill will curse Kit, ah, I mean Grace to Rappaport he!!…” said Delphina.

“I’m gonna win Flo…” grinned SM, “Just call me the most unpopular girl in Llanview.”

“If they cast Jenny Rappaport, that actress will be the most unpopular girl in Llanview…” said Dim.

“Jill will take away Charissa’s ciggies…” said Madame Delphina.

CC bugged out and began tearing up the dressing room for her ciggies. Everyone paused while CC tore the room apart, throwing lava lamps and tie-die shirts around. CC lifted up a psychedelic poster…

“Hey! Check this out!” yelled CC, “It’s a BUG.” She held up a listening device.

“What should we do with it?” asked Hill sipping her ‘joe.

“I say we turn the tables and use it to bug Jill’s office…” suggested RS.

“Being dastardly will only cause trouble…” said Delphina slyly to RS.

“So what do you predict will happen to Jill?” asked FL.

“I see ANGST in Jill’s future…” said Delphina.

“Stop the Madness! Who leaves? Bolger? Gibbs? Browne? Derwin?” asked Dim, her eyes lighting up.

“Found ‘em!” yelled CC holding up her ciggies. She went to light one up and set off the lava lamps.

“I guess the lava lamps are on a separate hookup…better go outside Charissa…” said Hill.

CC frowned.

“I’ll keep you company,” said Dim getting up, sipping her ‘joe.

Dim and CC walked out. As they walked down the halls they passed Phil Carey smoking a stogie with Clint Ritchie.

“Hey Phil! How come you can smoke in the studio and I can’t?” asked CC pouting.

“Get a contract. Then you can smoke…” said PC grinning.

CC put her hands on her hips, “John Bolger doesn’t have a contract and he gets everything…”

“Good things come to those who wait. By the way, I heard they turned Sophia into a JukeBox Hussy…” said PC grinning. CR dragged on his stogie.

CC and Dim walked out of the studios into the bustling the New York City street. CC went to light her ciggie and discovered she didn’t have a lighter.

Just then, SEW walked out of the crowded busy street, dressed in romantic black and held up a lighter offering to light CC’s ciggie.

Dim, getting the hint, creeped back into the studio.

CC bent down and lit her ciggie, making intense, lustful eye contact with him.

“So, what’s your name?” whispered CC.

“SEW - man in black,” he said in a sexy tone of voice, “Whenever you need a light for your ciggie, I’ll be there.”

CC swallowed.

****************************************************************************************************

Dim walked onto the houseboat set wearing a bathrobe. TDS was all ready there wearing his.

“Did you read this script Tim? It’s downright sleazy. I’ve never showed so much skin in my life!” commented Dim.

“I feel like I’m in a porno movie and not a soap,” said TDS, “And nobody wants to see my body…”

The director walked onto the set and yelled ‘Action!’.

Botrina and RJ stood in the middle of the houseboat, looking at each other with insta-lust in their eyes. They threw off their bathrobes revealing a lot of skin and proceeded to heavily make-out on the couch with the porno lust music in the background.

Just then Sykes busted in with his minions.

Botrina and RJ flung on their bathrobes.

“What now Syko?” yelled Botrina obviously pi$$ed that her make-out session was interrupted.

“You’re busted Botrina! Your houseboat is breaking a zillion housing code regulations by residing on the filthiest, nastiest, scummiest part of the Susquehanna River,” leered Sykes, “By the way…nice bathrobe.”

“Have you no shame Sykes?” asked RJ.

“Get off my boat,” said Botrina putting her hands on her hips.

Just then Bo and Clint showed up wearing fishing gear and carrying fishing poles.

RJ rolled his eyes.

“Hey Botrina…! We wanted to see if you wanted to go fishing up at the lodge with us…” said Clint wondering what was going on, “Why are you in a bathrobe?”

“She was in a lot less a few minutes ago…” said an exasperated RJ.

Bo walked up to Sykes with fire in his eyes, “ John, what’s going on here? What’s Botrina done wrong you’re harassing my daughter again?”

Stupid A$$ Sykes stuttered, “Ah…well…you see…ah…her houseboat…is breaking…a lot of…ah…housing code…ah…regulations…”

Bo looked at Botrina, “Is this true Trina?”

“News to me Dad,” said Botrina crossing her arms.

“Clint, you thinking what I’m thinking?” asked Bo looking at Clint.

“Yep,” said Clint.

“I’ll help,” said RJ smugly. Bo and Cling gave their fishing poles to RJ. Then each of them picked Sykes up by an arm, walked out the door, and dropped Sykes into the filthy and gross river water. His brand new suit got dirty and he lost his hairpiece.

The scene ended.

*******************************************************************************************************

Dim, RS, CC, and FL were on a secret squirrel mission. Dim, RS, and CC snuck into JFP’s office while FL remained outside as a lookout. SM showed up waving a gun in the air like a crazy woman to help FL out. Dim, RS, and CC planted Jill’s bug in her office in KB’s picture frame.

FL stuck her head inside, “Hurry up! I can hear Jill coming!”

“$hit!” muttered CC, “I need another ciggie. I’m stressed out.”

They tiptoed out and came face to face with JFP. SM had the gun on Jill.

“Give me a break,” said JFP waving the gun aside and walking her office. The snoop crew followed her inside.

“Now, what were you clowns up too?” asked JFP lighting a ciggie.

“Nothing,” said RS demurely.

They all flashed JFP an “I’m-guilty-of-something” look.

JFP lit another ciggie, “O.k. For punishment you all have to attend the press conference I’m giving with my FOJ’s.”

“Ewewewewew…” said Dim frowning, “I hate doing press.”

“When?” asked RS.

“Now,” said JFP reaching for her notes on her snicker’s wrappers.

They all followed JFP to the press conference room. A whole bunch of press were all ready there including Jonathan Reiner and his assistant, Liz2 from TV Guide. Jill’s FOJ’s TG, KB, and JB were there as “eye candy”. Jill made FL stand next to JB, SM stood next to TG, and Dim and RS had to stand next to KB. JFP walked up to the podium and made CC the newbie stand next to her. She dragged on her ciggies before opening her mouth. The room got quiet waiting for Jill to speak.

“Ah…hum…” started Jill.

“So, Jill, what’s up?” asked JR.

“My dear Jon…” said Jill.

JR frowned. He didn’t like “Jon.”

“I have found…a headwriter…for the show…” said JFP drawing it out.

The room grew silent.

Liz2 took a note, clearly in shock from JFP’s announcement.

Ash from JFP’s ciggies fell onto the podium and JFP dragged on them.

“Jill, we’re in shock. Who is it?” asked Liz2.

“PC MacIntyre…” said Jill proudly.

“Jill…I’ve never heard of PC. Is PC a girl or a boy?” asked JR.

“Ah…a girl…” said JFP making a smoke ring with her ciggies.

“Is PC a soap newcomer…?” asked Liz2 taking a note.

“Ah…no…” said JFP.

“Is PC a pseudonym for McTavish since she was released from AMC under bad circumstances?” asked JR.

“Ah…no…” said JFP checking her snickers wrapper.

Liz2 took a note and turned to JR, “Something’s Fishy Buzzy…”

“Tell me about it,” said JR.

Dim looked over KB’s shoulder and got RS’s attention, “I’m in shock. I’ve never seen PC MacIntyre…”

“We gotta check this out…” said RS, “Get the snoop crew together…”

KB shot them a look of annoyance.

*******************************************************************************************************

FL, Dim, TDS, JSS, and EP were hanging out in Dim and Flo’s dressing room at the end of the day.

“Well,” said FL, “I’m up to 237 letters of hate…”

“Sue’s up to 250…” said Dim.

“Got scoop Flo?” asked EP.

“Téa meets Todd the Angel…it’s part of a new and exciting story by PC MacIntyre…” said FL.

“That sounds like McT’s work…” said JSS.

“Hey Poisonwood, I heard Ricky Martin is having a concert next week…” said Dim.

“Me and Erin all ready have tickets…” grinned EP, “And Jamie Nicole Dudney from ATWT is hanging with us.”

Just then there a knock on the door. FL collected her postcard and read, “Dear Flo, have a vacation? You looked pretty perky in the tennis get up but when did Téa play tennis? Your POD is pretty scary. The play wraps up soon. Let’s do lunch. Rog. P.S. I miss you too Flo.”

“What’s Rog gonna do now?” asked Dim.

“I dunno,” said FL, “But I sure do miss Rog.”

NEXT:
1. The snoop crew tries to find the goods on PC.
2. Nora takes Sophia to a Synagogue.
3. A new “Dimmian Tragedy” befalls Sykes.
4. HL, GS, and RB have a talk with JFP.
5. Flo got scoop.