Satire - Part 51 - CC SET OFF THE CIGGIE BUZZER

This is a work of fiction. It is meant to be satirical in nature. Initially published on 7 May 1999.

WHAT HAPPENS:

1. JFP is up to her old tricks.
2. Botrina and RJ babysit Starr.
3. Make-up Room Gossip.
4. Flo got scoop.

Dim was sad as she walked down the halls of the studio early in the morning. Her buddy, Flo, had been put on the backburner and hadn’t taped a scene in over a week. Dim knocked on RS and CC’s dressing room door. CC let her in.

“Dim, why so bummed?” asked RS.

“I miss Flo,” said Dim sadly.

Just then there was a knock on the door. It was Sue Misner, who played “Grace.”

“Sorry to bother you guys…do you have any coffee? Me and Hill are all out…” said SM.

“Sure,” said CC, “C’Mon in.”

“What’s up with you Sue?” asked Dim.

“If one more person calls me Maizie or compares me some stupid cooking oil again I’m gonna shoot Jill. And I gotta gun…” said SM pouting.

“Girls,” said RS, “I think it’s time we sent Poisonwood snooping around Jill’s office to find out her secrets. After all, we gotta do something. Jill’s just not taking us seriously.”

“I guess it wouldn’t hurt to send in Poisonwood,” said Dim, “After all we’ve tried everything. Not even inhaling Dorian’s coal dust worked…”

“We could substitute her snickers wrappers with Three Musketeers…” suggested CC lighting up a ciggie.

Just then a big red lava lamp started flashing and a buzzer went off. JFP’s voice came on over the intercom, “Charissa…put that ciggie out…no smoking in the studio.”

CC threw the ciggie on the floor and stomped on it, scared to death.

Everybody’s eyes grew wide.

“CC, you set off Jill’s secretciggie buzzer!” exclaimed Dim.

“Damn that Jill! She’s bugged our dressing room!” said RS.

*****************************************************************************************************

Dim walked onto the set. It was Dorian’s house. TDS and Kristen Alderson, who played “Starr” were all ready there. The director yelled ‘Action!’ and the scene began.

Botrina knocked on the door. She was dressed casually in jeans and a T-shirt.

RJ opened the door. He was holding Starr in his arms and they were laughing.

“Trina! C’Mon in…I’m glad you could come over,” said RJ smiling.

“RJ. Hi Starr…” said Botrina all casual like, “What’s up?”

“Dorian had to go to the police station and Blair is never around so Dorian asked me to babysit Starr. I was hoping you could hang out with us,” said RJ smiling.

“Sure, no problem,” said Botrina grinning.

They went into the den and began to play with some marbles. They were laughing and giggling and having a good ol’ time when John Sykes bust down the door and trotted into the den followed up two or three uniformed cops.

“Sykes, you are so annoying…” said Botrina looking up from playing her game.

“Where’s Dorian? She lied to me about the coal cellar bit…” yelled Sykes.

RJ stood up and crossed his arms.

“Dorian’s not here,” said RJ, “Who said you could just bust her door in and accuse her of committing crimes she didn’t commit…AGAIN?”

“Unca’ RJ…who is this clown? Why doesn’t his hairpiece fit him?” asked Starr making a face at Sykes.

Sykes sneered at Starr.

“Oh, just someone who likes to annoy all the viewers of Llanview,” said RJ.

“Look here Sykes - go away!” said Botrina getting in his face, “All me and RJ are doing is babysitting…”

“I want Dorian now! Stop protecting her. You and RJ are enablers…!” screeched Sykes.

RJ and Starr went back to playing and ignored Sykes.

“That’s it! I’m calling my Dad. THE POLICE COMMISSIONER and I’m going to tell him that you have been using the power of the police department to personally annoy me and my BOYFRIEND, RJ…” started in Botrina getting tough.

“Auntie Trina…could you please move?” asked Starr sweetly.

Botrina stepped aside.

Starr, using a slingshot, thawapped a marble at Sykes. It hit him in the family jewels and he doubled over in pain.

“Opps. It was an accident,” said Starr, “I was aiming for something else.”

Sykes howled in pain, as he clutched his “package.”

RJ and Botrina laughed.

“Starr, that wasn’t nice,” admonished RJ, not really meaning it.

“But Unca’ RJ…he’s creepy and I don’t like him…” pouted Starr, “He’s always slobbering all over Tee…”

The scene ended.

****************************************************************************************************

The usual suspects gathered around the make-up room. Dim, RS, GT, EP, ET, DF, JSS, and CC the newbie plus honored guests ES and PC were getting their faces, hair, makeup and nails down. Only FL was missing. “Don, what’s the latest rumor?” asked Dim.

“The big news is AMC fired Meager McTalent, ah, I mean Meagan McTavish, and now she’s writing a story for One Life To Live since we have no headwriter…” said DJ grinning.

“Anyone is better than Jill,” said RS.

“I dunno. I heard McT did something about coma hallucinations…” added DJ.

“Any thing else?” asked JSS, “I might have to dish out the scoop if Flo doesn’t show up.”

“Yeah, Jill broke down and got Kassie dePaiva a new wardrobe…” said DJ, all proud of himself that knew that latest ‘buzz’.

“Hey! That was only after I threatened to go public after I found out where Jill got her plot ideas…” started EP.

Everyone looked at EP.

“Fess up Poisonwood,” said RS, “What did you find out when you went snooping around DaPill’s office?”

“All right, all right. She’s read Gary Warner’s “One Life To Live, 30 years of Memories” cover to cover…Keeps it locked up in her secret safe. And that’s not all she keeps locked up in her secret safe…” said EP.

“What else does she keep locked up in the secret safe?” asked GT all curious.

“Remember that romance story she supposedly commissioned?” asked EP, “Well, it’s called Secrets and it’s written by Rosie2. And she never used it…”

“Damn DaPill!” exclaimed Dim, “She got a real story and didn’t use it?”

“I always knew Jill was cheating!” exclaimed PC. He lit his stogie.

CC put her hands on her hips and pouted, “How come he can smoke and Jill knows every time I light up a ciggie in the studio?!”

“Because you’re a newbie - without a contract…” said ES grinning, kiddingly joking with CC.

“Hey - Bolger doesn’t have a contract either…” observed JSS

“Where’s Flo?” asked GT, “I haven’t seen her in a week…”

“Her and Bob Krimmer thought they’d investigate Viki’s attic and went looking for Eli…” giggled ET.

“Well, they might find Mark Derwin up there…” said DJ.

Just then PE walked in with some promo shots and gave them to DF, “Dave…sign these. It’s for Jilly and our fan club.”

PC pouted, “You cheating on me all ready woman?”

DF grinned, “Cool. I got fans…” he said signing away.

“Jason, Dave, help us carry the mailbags?” said RS grinning, “They’re filled with boycott mail.”

“Of course,” said JSS.

*****************************************************************************************************

Dim, RS, JSS, and DF walked into JFP’s office. Harding LeMay, a dude who wrote for the show was all ready there, arguing with Jill.

“Now Jill, I think this is a great idea. Nora teaches Sophia about the Jewish faith. It’s new…” started HL.

JFP stood there looking at him, dragging on her ciggie.

“It’s hip…” added Dim.

JFP frowned.

“It’s fresh…” added Robin.

JFP rolled her eyes.

“It’s an original idea…” added JSS.

JFP impatiently tapped her foot.

“We’ll get points for social issues…” said DF.

JFP lit another ciggie.

“This idea will address One Life To Live’s floundering ethnicity problems…” added HL.

They all glared at JFP.

JFP blew out her ciggie smoke into a circle, “What ethnicity problems? We have no ethnicity so how could we have problems?”

“Aggh!” HL, Dim, Robin, Jason, and Dave all exclaimed.

*****************************************************************************************************

Dim, TDS, EP, and JSS were hanging out in Dim and Flo’s dressing room. They were all bummed.

“Man…I miss Flo. Who’s going to dish out the scoop?” asked EP, “It’s my job to kill rumors. It’s Flo’s job to dish the scoop.”

“I guess I can give it my best shot,” said JSS standing up, puffing out his chest, and trying to be brave. Dim liked it when JSS was assertive. It turned her on.

Just then Flo walked in.

Everybody was happy to see Flo and they all gave her hugs and kisses.

“So Flo, did you and Bob find Eli?” asked TDS grinning.

“Not yet, but we’re still looking… Actually I think he has another steam scene with Rosie next week…” said Flo all happy to see her buddies.

“So Flo, got scoop?” asked JSS all relieved to see FL.

FL ran her fingers through her hair, “Ah, yeah. My next day on screen is 20 May…”

Just then the UPS girl delivered FL’s postcard.

“What does it say Flo?” asked TDS.

“Flo, thanks for dedicating your Best Supporting Actress award to me. That was so sweet. You’re a big sweetie. Rog. P.S. I miss you too Flo.”

Flo got all misty, “I miss you too Rog…”

NEXT:
1. JFP gets in trouble with the Anti-Defamation League.
2. Botrina helps Asa prepare for his wedding and stands up for Kelly.
3. Clint Ritchie is back! And he has a surprise for Jill.
4. Flo got scoop.