Satire - Part 50 - "ANYONE MISS ME?"

This is a work of fiction. It is meant to be satirical in nature. Initially published on 1 May 1999. This is a Satire Classic.

WHAT HAPPENS:

1. More of JFP's reaction to the boycott.
2. Nora gets the real truth for Sophia.
3. Bo and Botrina hang out and talk about life on the backburner.
4. Poisonwood is hired by JFP.
5. Sykes is annoying.
6. Flo is outta' scoop.

Author’s Note: I would like to extend a very big THANK YOU to all the fans of the OLTL Satire for your support over the past 50 - yes, count ‘em 50 - “episodes”. I sincerely hope you’ve all enjoyed the laughs that “Dim and the cast and crew of One Life To Live - including Jill” have given you since July 98 when I ‘kicked’ off the satire. Some of my favorite satires include when Botrina hit Sykes with the kitchen sink, whenever “Moose” appears, The Christmas ‘episode’, Dim’s appearance on the Howard Stern Show, and more recently, SickFlo in the shower… I’ve enjoyed ‘creating’ such characters as “Montana BooBee”, “Poisonwood Rosie, and of course… “Botrina Tran Buchanan”. This “episode” is dedicated to all of you, the readers of the satire… ENJOY!

Friday, JFP’s Office…

JFP was stressed. She was smoking two ciggies, writing new plots on her snickers wrappers, listening to “Twilight Zone” music on her intercom, when Dim and RS walked in with the mail. JSS and DF were helping them out and were carrying a few mailbags.

JFP lit another ciggie, “Give it to me straight girls.”

“More boycott mail Jill…” started Robin.

JFP stood up and frowned, “I don’t get it. Why don’t those fans like me? I gave them Asa and Renee…??”

“But then want Cris and Renee…!!” pouted DF, “Just ask Jilly…She’s the President of the Renee and Cris fan Club!”

“Look Jill,” said Dim, “None of us want to be on the unemployment line in six months…”

“Yeah. I just got me an apartment too and had to buy all new stuff for it ‘cos I was ripped off by the movers who moved my stuff from Nevada!” said JSS, “I need this job!”

“Look guys…nobody is going to lose their jobs…the show won’t get canceled. Trust me…” said JFP trying to decide which shade of nail polish she wanted. Florescent pink, O.D. Green, and Bright Banana were the current colors on her desk.

Dim whispered to JSS, “Jill’s in denial…”

“I thought she was in fairytaleland,” whispered back JSS.

They exchanged a wink and a nod.

“Well, the latest rumors are: David Vickers is coming back. There will be a TnT montage when Téa dumps Sykes, and Fiona Hutchinson is coming back…” said RS going through the mail.

“…Kevin and Grace are a BOMB and fans are starting to ‘warm up’ to Hugo,” added Dim, “Out of all the new characters introduced, except for Sophia, fans understand what Hugo’s all about…”

“WAITASEC!” yelled Jill, “That TnT rumor is TOTALLY FALSE. Sykes ‘tags’ Téa - and Téa’s so “in-love” with his jewels she would never think of dumping him. I see I have a few rumors to kill…”

Dim started gagging and whispered to RS, “I’m glad Flo didn’t hear that…that would have made her sick all over again.”

“Tell me about it,” whispered Robin.

Just then, Harding Lemay, Gillian Spencer, and Richard Backus walked in. They wrote for the show.

“So, what have you three come up with now?” asked JFP looking at them. JFP had final storyline approval.

“We got a great idea Jill…” started GS.

“Don’t keep me in suspense…” said JFP dragging on two ciggies.

“Well, since Sophia is now related to Nora…let’s have Nora introduce Sophia to her Jewish heritage. We’ll pick up points for social issues…” said HL.

“All of us writers think it’s a great idea…” added GS.

“What? Are you guys crazy? Since when is Nora Jewish?” asked JFP in shock.

“Ah, Jill…Nora’s always been Jewish…” added RB.

“Not a good idea. The fans don’t want to see Nora introducing the Jewish culture to Sophia…a NON-CONTRACT player. They want Sykes! Sykes! And more Sykes! They want Kevin! They want Sam! They want Ben! They want…” ranted JFP.

“…They want to boycott the show because of your crazy stories…” added Dim.

JFP pouted, puffed on her ciggies and picked O.D. Green for her nails.

HL, GS, and RB whispered between themselves and left.

The phone rang. It was Liz2, Jonathan Reiner’s assistant from TV Guide.

“Jill, it’s Liz2, Buzzy wants to know where the show stands about the boycott?”

“Boycott? Oh that…well, we appreciate how much the fans care about the show and changes will be made soon. Just wait till June…” JFP hung up the phone.

Dim, Robin, JSS, and DF all glared at JFP with their arms crossed while she lit another ciggie, “Well, what are you looking at…? Skeedaddle! Scoot!” said JFP waving her hands at them, motioning them towards the door.

“Oh! While you’re at it…tell Poisonwood to come in here…” yelled JFP after them. They left.

Within minutes, EP, dressed as Poisonwood Rosie, walked in.

EP had an attitude because JFP hadn’t gotten her a new charm bag for her outfit, “Whatdya’ want Jill?” asked Poisonwood.

“I need to hire you to kill a few rumors and you gotta kill ‘em before the fan club lunch tomorrow because I don’t want to deal with them…” said JFP. She started painting the nails on her other hand.

“No way. I don’t kill anymore rumors for you until you do something for me…” said Rosie crossing her arms. Her VooDoo shirt revealed her belly button and she wore a set of Mardi Gras beads.

JFP wrinkled her nose, “Like what?”

“I want a new charm bag…” said EP.

“You know I just got Sykes a brand new wardrobe. I can’t afford a charm bag!” said JFP finishing her nails.

“No charm bag…No kills…” chanted Rosie.

“Oh, all right,” said JFP pouting.

“And I want three new VooDoo dolls - all guys…” added Rosie, “Plus I want free passes for my fan club for tomorrow’s lunch…”

“Whatever. Now, here’s what I want you to kill…” said JFP breaking out her TG picture frame and polishing it, “Isn’t Kevin cute with a gun?”

********************************************************************************************************

Dim, dressed in a Botrina Tran Power Suit, and CC, dressed in a Sophia Leather Outfit, walked onto the set. It was Nora’s office. HBS and KB were all ready there. HBS was putting chapstick on her lips again.

CC whispered to Dim, “What is Sam doing here?”

“Don’t you know? Nora is Sam’s woman now so they’ve got to be in every scene together…” whispered Dim back.

The director walked in and yelled ‘Action!’.

The scene began.

Once again, Botrina and Sophia busted in on Nora and Sam making out in Nora’s office.

“Not again…!” exclaimed Botrina putting her hands on her hips.

Sam broke off the kiss and glared at Botrina and Sophia, “You two walk in at the most inconvenient times…!”

“Suck it up Sam…” said Botrina sarcastically, “If you marry Nora, you’ll be my Uncle.”

“So Nora,” what did you find out?” asked Sophia chewing her gum with an open mouth, looking totally disgusting.

Nora rolled her eyes, “Heaven help me but you are Susannah’s kid…” disclosed Nora.

Sophia turned to Botrina and grinned.

“Cool…my college buddy is my cousin!” said Botrina smiling. They did the “Happy Dance”.

“Will you two calm down?” asked Sam, “And leave?”

“So,” said Sophia turning to Nora, “When do I meet my Mom?”

“You don’t,” said Nora crossing her arms, “Susannah’s in Switzerland treating DID patients and she’s not coming to Llanview anytime soon…”

Sophia pouted, “My mother’s a shrink?”

“At least your mother is still alive. My mom died in Vietnam…” said Botrina.

Nora gave Botrina an evil glare, “I can’t believe I’m related to you two…!” exclaimed Nora, “This is true he!!”

“So,” said Sophia grinning, “What religion are you?”

The scene ended.

Lunchtime…

Dim and Flo were in their dressing room. Flo was cussing in Spanish and Italian at her script. Dim was just cussing at her script.

“Who writes this DRIVEL?” yelled Dim.

“Cuss, Cuss, Cuss, Cuss!” cussed FL.

There was a knock on the door. FL went to answer it and flung open the door - ready to cuss… RH stood there, grinning like a Cheshire cat, arms crossed, the top two buttons of his shirt undone, wearing a porkpie hat, “Hi, Flo…” he said.

“Rog!” exclaimed Flo. Her face lit up like a Christmas tree.

They exchanged a warm, friendly hug.

“Miss me?” he asked.

“You don’t know how much…” she said grinning, all happy to see him.

They had matching haircuts.

“Wanna do lunch again?” he asked as he sauntered into FL’s dressing room.

“Sure,” beamed FL.

RH peered back out the door right quick, “Where’s that nappy Sykes? I thought he’d be here leering at you again. I thought I might have to put him in his place…”

FL giggled, “John’s still mad at me for barfing on him in the shower…”

Just then RH felt a tug at his hand and looked down. It was little Kristen Alderson, who played Starr.

RH and FL looked down at little KA and smiled.

“Can I go to lunch too?” she asked.

RH and FL laughed.

Later that afternoon…

Dim walked onto the Llanview PD Station set with a dog. RSW and JB and FL were all ready there. FL popped a cough drop.

“What’s with the dog?” asked RSW.

“I dunno. I got lunch at the hot dog stand outside of the studio and the dog has been following me around ever since,” said Dim.

The director walked in and yelled ‘Action!’. The scene began.

Botrina waltzed into Bo’s office at the Police Department followed by her dog. Bo was talking to Sykes.

“Ah, Dad…got a moment?” asked Botrina.

Bo acted annoyed, “Well, Trina…” he started.

“Dad…I’m your only living kid…! Certainly you can give me the time of day!” demanded Botrina.

“Sorry about this John. Let me talk to my daughter for a few minutes…” said Bo.

Sykes, all pi$$ed off, gave Botrina a dirty look and left. Téa was waiting for him outside the door and Sykes gave her a big, fat, wet, NASTY kiss.

“C’Mon Dad! What’s up? I thought you’d NEVER negligent your kid…” pouted Botrina. The dog stood next to Botrina, anxiously wagging it’s tail, obviously protective of it’s new master.

Bo gave her a big hug, “Sorry, Trina. I just got a lot of things on my mind…”

“O.k., well look, guess what…Me and Sophia are cousins…” said Botrina sitting down in front of Bo’s desk. Bo sat down in back of his desk.

“No way!” said Bo, “How?”

“Nora’s sister, Susannah is Sophia’s mom…” explained Botrina.

“Oh,” said Bo sadly, missing Nora.

“You miss Nora, huh?” asked Botrina, “I don’t much like Nora, but if she makes you happy…”

“Nora likes Sam. So what have you been up to?” asked Bo.

“The backburner…” started Botrina.

Just then Sykes busted in, “Bo…we finally caught Freddie Pellagrino…” said Sykes.

Bo shot up out of his seat, “Throw him in the slammer!” said Bo.

The dog started barking. Sykes stood there all proud of himself and gave the dog a dirty look.

Botrina was exasperated, “My own father won’t pay me any attention!”

“Ewewewewewww…” yelled Sykes. Everyone looked at him. The dog was pee’ing on his leg.

The scene ended.

Later on…

Poisonwood waltzed into JR’s office at TV Guide and found his assistant, Liz2.

“Hi Liz, I’m Poisonwood…” said EP grinning wearing her VooDoo get-up and love bangle.

“Poisonwood Rosie! Can I get your autograph?” asked Liz2.

“On one condition…” hinted EP, “I need your help in killing a few rumors…”

Liz2 frowned, “Ah…I dunno…”

“This could be a mutually beneficial relationship…” added Rosie.

“Well, o.k…” said Liz2.

They got on line and killed those rumors dead with some help from Rosie’s chicken bones and hexes.

And even later…

The Make-Up Room Gossip Crew gathered around. The usual suspects, FL, DW, GT, DJ, DF, JSS, EP, and ET were present. RS walked in holding a roll of duct tape.

“What’s with the duct tape?” asked Dim getting her hair done.

“I just got done taping Erika Slezak to a chair in Dorian’s coal bin…” said RS. She sat down next to Dim, “We’re jamming to “I-Will-Survive.”

“Hey, isn’t the fan club lunch tomorrow?” asked GT.

“Sure is,” said DJ, “It’s gonna be big. I can’t wait!! Everyone’s fan club is going to be there - including mine.”

“The show has fans? Really?” asked JSS.

“Not all the fans are boycotting…” said EP.

“My Rebel Rousers will be there…” said ET grinning, “They’re going to present me with my very own Jessica Buchanan “James Dean” leather jacket…”

“Oh, no,” said EP, “My Big Bad VooDoo Rosies are going to be there too…”

“Well, after this horrid Téa and Sykes romance thing…I don’t have anymore fans…” said FL sadly.

“You got fans Flo. Trust me…” said Dim. She got up and walked to a corner of the dressing room and placed an emergency phone call to Jules and Kelly.

“Hey, I got an idea…” said DF innocently, “Why don’t we throw duct tape on Jill and stick her in the coal bin so she misses out on the lunch…”

“David! No way!” said ET, “How could you think of such a thing?”

“I feel snubbed. Jill called me jailbait…” said DF frowning, “I’m part of her wallpaper.”

Dim walked back up, “I think it’s a great idea.”

“So do I,” said RS grinning evilly, playing with the duct tape.

The Crew gathered round in a football huddle to discuss strategy. JB, TG, and KB were lurking in the background.

Very Late that Evening…

FL paid JB a visit to go over scripts for Monday. She was miserable.

DJ acquired PC’s nip and had a few shots with TG to keep him occupied in DJ’s dressing room.

JSS found KB and asked him some advice about girls.

While all that was going on, the rest of the Make-Up Gossip Crew, all dressed in love Bangles, VooDoo halter tops, and arm bracelets, wearing nylon stockings over their faces, put the grab on Cruella, while she was in her office polishing her JB frame, threw duct tape on her and stuck her in Dorian’s coal bin…

Saturday,
At the Fan Club Lunch…

All the cast and crew were gathered at the Marriott Hotel for the lunch. Several guests showed up as well…

Fiona Hutchinson, who used to play “Gabrielle” showed up and hung out with the DePaivas.

Tonya Walker showed up and hung out with PC and PE. She was expecting her second child.

SEW and Botrina Tran Testosterone Brigade showed up with a Power Suit they claimed they sewed on their own. Dim was touched.

Jules and Kelly showed up and found FL. They assured her that while Téa had absolutely no fans left, there were a million “FloLo” fans out there. Kelly gave FL some of her fan fiction to read to help cheer her up.

DeeDee and Tex sent emails that RSW read to the lunch saying how they appreciated all the actors hard work and efforts. And while RSW was at the mic…

Sonia Satra, dressed as “Montana BooBee”, carrying a cell phone in one hand, and a water pistol in the other waltzed in, making a grand entrance. The lunch got quiet and then everyone stood up and cheered giving “Montana BooBee” a standing ovation.

“Montana BooBee!” exclaimed the actor who played Hugo. He stood up holding a water pistol and smiled.

“Idaho Hugo!” said SS. They exchanged a warm hug.

The Gossip Crew were all happy to see SS and crowded around her and Hugo.

“Who is the Idaho Hugo guy?” asked DJ.

“My Uncle!” exclaimed SS.

“WAITAMINUTE!” yelled Jen Bransford walking in, “I’m the one who kicked this psycho thing off…”

The fans cheered when LK walked in with KS.

AngelaB snuck in dressed in an UPS uniform.

The Rebel Rousers and the Big Bad VooDoo Rosies showed up and almost got in a fight.

The actors were very gracious and signed a lot of autographs. FL won “Best Supporting Actress” and dedicated her award to “Todd.” HBS and RSW won best couple as “Bo and Nora”. When JSS won his “Best Male Newcomer” award Dim gave him a kiss on the cheek and let him how proud of him she was. Diva Hickland was honored to win the award for “Best Villain” but was disappointed that the trophy wasn’t in pink.

As the lunch was wrapping up, JFP walked in smoking a ciggie, all dusty from Dorian’s coal bin, with her ‘heroes’ JB, KB, and TG by her side.

“Anyone Miss Me?” asked JFP grinning.

NEXT:
Another 50 episodes! I hope…