Satire - Part 49 - "HILL, WHAT FLAVOR IS YOUR CHAPSTICK?"

This is a work of fiction. It is meant to be satirical in nature. Initially published on 23 April 1999.

WHAT HAPPENS:

1. Botrina and Sophia find out they got a lot more in common than just being college buddies.
2. Nora gets face.
3. Jills feels the pressure of the boycott.
4. Flo got scoop.

Dim walked into her dressing room early in the morning. Cough drops, air fresheners, toilet flushers, barf bags, and plastic vomit surrounded Flo.

“Flo, feeling better?” asked Dim pouring herself a coffee.

“Yeah. I was initially feeling a bit discouraged but Rog called and we’re doing lunch today,” explained Flo grinning.

“That’s great!” said Dim.

“Yeah - I’ve been feeling a little down in the dumps lately, so Rog thought he would cheer me up…” said Flo, “Now I’ve just got to think of some way to get out of this SOD interview Jill wants me to do with John…”

“When do you have to do it?” asked Dim.

“After lunch,” said FL, “I gave up doing press months ago…”

“Man, Flo, I don’t know what to tell you…can you get sick again?” asked Dim.

“Again? So soon? I don’t think so…” said FL.

“Aww…just bring some air fresheners with you - play it off like you know this Sykes thing sucks…that you’re really PodTéa…the fans will understand…” said Dim.

“What fans?” said FL, “Téa has fans after boffing Sykes in Todd’s Penthouse - in Todd’s shower? I don’t think so…”

“Touché,” said Dim.

*******************************************************************************************************

HBS, KB, Dim, and CC were standing around the set waiting for the scene to start. Of course, Dim was in a Botrina Tran Power Suit. HBS was putting chapstick over her lips.

“Hill, what flavor is your chapstick?” asked Dim.

“Ah, garlic?” said Hill matter-of-factly.

“Really?” asked CC.

“No…it’s black licorice…” said HBS.

The director walked up. HBS and KB walked onto the set. It was Nora’s office.

“Action!” yelled the director.

Nora and Sam were caught up in a very intimate embrace, sucking some serious face. They were totally lip-locked.

The door flew open and Botrina and Sophia burst into Nora’s office, surprising Nora and Sam. Nora, shocked, tried to pull away. Finally, Sam broke off the kiss.

“Ewewewewwww…” said Sophia, “Your lips are drenched!”

Nora wiped her lips on her sleeve.

“Botrina!” Nora exclaimed after she finished wiping her lips, “What are you doing here?”

Sam gave Botrina an evil grin.

“Look Nora…you need to answer a few questions…show her Sophia!” said Botrina.

Sophia gave Nora an old crumpled note.

Nora looked at it.

“…This can’t be!” exclaimed Nora.

“Now we all know, my Mom, Nadine, was an Army nurse in Vietnam and that’s where she met Bo. And Nadine was your sister…” said Botrina recapping history for the newer viewers.

“So, is it true…is Susannah…your other sister…my mother…my biological mother who gave me up for adoption?!” said Sophia in traditional soap opera angst, “I want answers!”

“Nora - you never told me!” exclaimed self-righteous Sam all pissed off. Nora swallowed, “Ah, well…when Susannah was younger she did give up a child for adoption…but how do we know it was you Sophia? You’re a little schemer who hangs out with Dorian and Botrina. I don’t trust you…”

“Well, who do ya’ trust, Nora? Sam? I’m sure you’d be shocked to know who he’s slept with in the past week!” questioned Botrina, “do we need to throw down right now? Asa’s stables aren’t that far away…”

“Why you…” mumbled Nora.

Sam the stud got between them, “No catfights today girls…”

Sophia, Botrina, and Nora all glared at Sam.

Sam licked his lips.

“Sophia…I promise you to do my best to find out if Susannah is really your mother…” said Nora firmly.

Sophia smiled.

Botrina grinned.

The scene ended.

*******************************************************************************************************

Dim and Robin had gotten a ton of mail and had asked DF and JSS, two young, strong, strapping guys to help them carry the extra mailbags. As they walked into Jill’s office, Jill was leaning back in her chair, feet up on her desk, two ciggies hanging out of her mouth, listening to Twilight Zone music over her intercom, snickers wrappers all over her desk, while she was painting her nails florescent, glow in the dark pink. She had removed the Bob Woods, Bob Krimmer, and Timothy D. Stickney wallpaper and put up Kale Browne, Tim Gibbs, and John Bolger wallpaper instead.

“Hey, Jill, how come you don’t have wallpaper of me?” asked DF, “Aren’t I young and studly enough for you?”

“Jailbait, my dear,” said JFP eyeballing DF.

“I’m 25!” said DF.

“So? You’re just too young for me. Give it to me straight, girls…” said JFP.

“Well, all this mail is about the boycott,” said RS.

Jill stood up and frowned, waving her hands in an attempt to dry the nail polish, “Boycott-Schmoycott. No boycott is gonna’ get me fired. ABC loves me…I’m a tentpole,” giggled JFP.

“Jill…I’d take this seriously. The fans can’t stand you. They’re pissed that you podded Viki…” started Dim.

“Renee and Cris fans are upset because you’ve put their favorite couple on the backburner…” said DF, “And I oughta’ know…”

“And they’re FURIOUS over Téa and Sykes…one fan calls that couple a YUCKFEST…” continued JSS.

“Bo and Nora fans are upset you broke them up and now Nora’s being licked to death by Sam…” added RS.

“And you know it’s a sad day when the fans were happy to see Roseanne bust in on Téa and Sykes…” said DF.

“And some fan claims you ripped her off because Grace, who, by the way is a big SNOOZE, is like her character, Fiona…” continued Dim.

“I didn’t rip anymore off. I just borrowed an idea…that’s all...recycled some stuff…no one will notice….” said JFP lighting another ciggie.

“Sponsors are nervous Jill,” said Robin.

“I’ll suck up to their ass too,” said JFP confidently, “I’m so very good at it…”

“Jill, you just don’t get it, do you?” asked Dim.

“Get what?” asked Jill all innocent-like.

Dim, Robin, JSS, and DF all looked at each other and shook their heads.

*******************************************************************************************************

Dim, Flo, JSS, EP, and TDS were hanging out in Dim and Flo’s dressing room at the end of the day drinking H20.

“Flo, how was your lunch with Rog?” asked EP.

“We had a great time. He made me laugh a lot. Really helped to cheer me up,” said FL.

“You’ll never guess what happened to John Bolger while you were at lunch…” hinted Dim.

“I’m dying to know. It must have been serious because the SOD interview was canceled when I got back,” said FL.

“Well, Me and John were blocking a scene at the Penthouse,” said TDS grinning, “when SOMEONE let Moose out of the kitchen and he flew into the living room accidentally leaving something runny on his hairpiece…”

“Moose dropped a birdie Turdie on Sykes’s hairpiece?” exclaimed FL giggling.

“Yep,” said EP.

They all giggled.

“Hear you were busy today Erika…kill a few rumors?” asked FL.

“Yep. I had a pretty busy morning. I got to kill a few rumors about David Vickers. I threw out a few hexes and chicken bones and they all went away…” said EP.

“So, Flo, got scoop?” asked JSS.

“Téa can’t figure out how to nail RJ because she lost her last braincell…” said Flo, “It don’t get much better than that…”

Just then there was a nock on the door. Flo collected her postcard and read, “Flo, lunch was great. Remember my tip…no press…leave ‘em guessing…Rog. P.S. I miss you too Flo.”

“I miss you too Rog,” said FL sadly.

NEXT:
1. More of JFP’s reaction to the boycott.
2. Nora gets the real truth for Sophia
3. Botrina and Bo hang out and talk about life on the backburner.
4. Poisonwood is hired by JFP.
5. Sykes is annoying.
6. Flo got scoop.