Satire - Part 48.5 - An OLTL/ATWT Crossover - "Dim you'll make a great Bianca!"

This is a work of fiction. It is meant to be satirical in nature. Initially published on 25 April 1999.

WHAT HAPPENS:

1. Dim finds the ATWT Vets.
2. Robin Strasser gets offered a "juicy" part.
3. JFP gets "conned."
4. Flo does NOT have scoop.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Special thanks to SEW who deserves a plotting credit with me on this one. I couldn't have done this without his help. SEW is a great writer and has a lot of unique ideas!

DimWitt was an actress who played “Botrina Tran Buchanan” on One Life To Live. She shared a dressing room with Florencia Lozano who played “Téa”. Her “Queen-Of-Scheme” buddy was Robin Strasser who played “Dorian”. They hung out with Kassie dePaiva who played “Blair Cramer” and Charrisa Chamarro who played “Sophia”.

Currently, they were all hanging out in Dim and Flo’s dressing room. Dim had gotten an offer from Felicia Menei Behr the Executive Producer of ATWT to play “Bianca Walsh”, Lucinda’s long, lost daughter. Dim called FMB while her buds clustered around her…

“Hello? Ms. Behr? It’s DimWitt…”

Pause.

“I’m sorry, I’m going to have to turn you down. I’m having a blast playing “Botrina” and I can’t leave the show…”

Pause.

“A day? Yeah, I could play “Bianca” for a day…but you should know…I’m not Hispanic…Oh, that doesn’t matter? O.k….”

Pause.

“Can I bring Robin Strasser with me? We’re buds, you know… Thanks,” said Dim.

Pause.

“Tomorrow…sure, no problem. Nah…Jill won’t mind…”

“You’re sending me the script UPS?”

Pause.

“O.k. Thanks,” said Dim hanging up the phone.

“Well?” everyone asked in stereo.

“I got a day gig as “Bianca” and Robin can come too,” said Dim grinning.

“What are you going to do about Jill?” asked KdP.

“We gotta get her out of the area for the day…” said Dim.

It was quiet while they thunk hard.

“I got an idea,” said Robin.

They all looked at her.

“Flo, call in a favor with Rog and you and Kassie and CC take Jill to see The Lion in Winter for the day while Dim and I go AWOL to ATWT,” suggested Robin.

“Consider it done,” said FL.

“Jill’s got another thing coming…” giggled Dim.

“Especially if she thinks she can remodel my dressing in florescent pink…” said Robin frowning.

“Wasn’t Hill on “As”. Maybe I should ask her for some tips…?” wondered Dim.

“I wonder if Jill will give Rog flowers?” asked CC.

They all looked at CC and frowned…

*********************************************************************************************************

The Next Day…

Dim and Robin showed up at the ATWT studios carrying a huge duffle bag with secret stuff. A receptionist took them to meet FMB, the EP of ATWT and Lorraine Broderick, LB, the Headwriter of the show.

“Wow - Robin - they got a real headwriter over here,” whispered Dim as they walked down the hall.

“No wonder why ATWT is number four in the ratings…” replied Robin, “Dim that’s our next objective - blackmail Jill into hiring a headwriter.”

They got to FMB’s office and went inside.

“Dim! Robin!” said FMB grinning like a Cheshire cat, “It’s great to meet you. This is Lou for short, our headwriter.”

They all exchanged handshakes.

“Dim, I hear Botrina is a fan favorite at OLTL and you’ve got a lot of fans. Are you sure you don’t want more than a one day gig?” asked FMB, “You would bring in some more viewers…”

“Positive,” said Dim, “So why are you working in “Bianca” for a day anyway?”

LB put her hands on her hips, “Well…the fans got just a little tiny weenie bit upset that none of Lucy’s other kids showed up when she went into a coma so…I thought I’d throw ‘em a bone by having “Bianca” show up for a day.”

Dim and Robin looked at each other raised an eyebrow.

“Man!” exclaimed Dim, “Our fans don’t even get a bone!”

“Isn’t it sad Another World got canceled? Didn’t you work at Another World Dim?” asked FMB.

Dim stuttered, “Well, kind of…Jill thought I did…”

“Good. We’ll make all those AW fans happy by having you on…” said FMB.

Robin whispered into Dim’s ear, “These two are beginning to sound clueless…”

“Now, what’s this I heard…Liz Hubbard had a meeting with your EP, Jill?” asked LB. (Author’s Note: Liz Hubbard gueststared in Satire part 47)

“Yeah...she did. Jill’s thinking about casting Asa’s sister, Ada…” said RS.

“Well…it just so happens we have a part we’d love you to test for,” said FMB.

“Oh, really?” asked RS, “What part?”

“Lucinda,” said FMB grinning.

“We’ll discuss this while Dim tapes,” said RS.

“By the way…have you guys worked on AMC? I love hiring actors from AMC…” said FMB.

“Ah, no…” said Dim.

Robin whispered in Dim’s ear, “Yeah…just like Jill loves hiring actors from Another World…these two really are clueless…”

Dim whispered back, “They can’t be that clueless. Their soap is number 4 in the ratings. We’re number 8.”

“Well, Dim, let’s take you to wardrobe. I just know you’ll make a great “Bianca”!” exclaimed FMB.

“I hope so…” said Dim as she followed FMB clutching her duffle bag full of secret stuff.

**************************************************************************************************

Dim, dressed as “Bianca Walsh”, in a fashionable power suit, much nicer than the ones she wore as “Botrina”, waited on the set preparing to block her first scene. Maura West, who played “Carly” and Lesli Kay Sterling, who played “Molly” approached her.

“Hey! Dim, right? I’m Maura and this is Les. You’re here to play “Bianca” right?” asked MW.

“Yeah. Wow. You two are my favorites. I love your characters!” said Dim all happy to meet them.

“Cool. Well, we love your “Botrina”,” said MW.

“She’s a Scheme Queen like Molly,” said LKS.

“You know, I’ve been here for a bit but I haven’t see any of the vets like Don or Kim or Marie or Helen…” started Dim.

“The vets? Well, if you want to see the vets you gotta go down the hall, take a right, make a left, and you’ll find them. “Fee” put ‘em in the darkest corner of the studio. Outta sight, outta mind…” explained MW.

“Ewewewew… Sounds just as bad as our basement…” said Dim.

MW and LKS left. The director showed up to do the blocking.

Dim walked on the Oakdale hospital set dressed as “Bianca”. The director went through positioning Dim. She was shooting her first scene with Larry Bryggman, who played “Dr. John Dixon”.

“All right,” said the director, “Let’s block from the top…”

Dim nodded her head. As “Bianca” she trotted into the hospital with an attitude right up to the front desk and got in the nurse’s face, “Hi. I’m looking for John Dixon…”

“Dr. Dixon…he’s around…” said the nurse.

“Look,” said Bianca, all teed off, “This is important. I’m trying to find my mother…Lucinda Walsh…”

Just then she felt a tap on her shoulder. She turned around. It was John Dixon.

Bianca crossed her arms and they exchanged sly smiles, “Where’s my mother John?”

“How did you find out about Lucinda’s coma?” asked John leering at her.

“Some chick named Poisonwood Rosie who works at the UN with me told me…” said Bianca.

“Oh. So how’s the UN? Keeping you busy?” asked John making googoo eyes at her.

“Yes - my job as the assistant to the Montegan ambassador is keeping me busy… now stop flirting with me and tell me where Lucinda is!” demanded Bianca.

“I’m sorry, I promised Lily I wouldn’t tell anyone where Lucinda is…” said John.

“WHAT? But I’m Lucinda’s daughter too!” exclaimed Bianca.

“Talk to Lily…” said John walking off.

“Perfect,” exclaimed the director. Dim grinned.

********************************************************************************************************

FMB and RS came walking up, deep in discussion.

“I don’t know Felicia…” said RS, “I like the part but it sounds like Lucinda has no brains…”

“Robin, what are you saying?” asked FMB in her best suck-up voice.

“Sounds to me like Lorraine gave Lucinda a lobotomy and I won’t take the role unless you can guarantee me Lucinda gets her brains back…” said RS matter-of-factly.

“Fee” pouted.

“Ah, Ms. Behr, where are all the vets like Bob and Kim, and Nancy and Babs…” asked Dim.

“The vets?” said FMB, “We all ready used them once this month. That’s more than enough.” She smiled a grin reminiscent of JFP.

Dim whispered to Robin, “This chick is a control ego freak just like Jill.”

Later on that day…

Dim walked onto the hospital set dressed in a “Bianca Walsh” power suit. NM, JND, KC were all ready there.

The director spoke up, “O.k., “Bianca” comes across Georgia who is Lucinda’s niece, in the hospital…”

Everyone grinned.

“Action!” yelled the director.

Bianca trotted through the halls of the hospital and came across the Oakdale teen scene. Georgia sidestepped and collided into Bianca.

“Sorry…” said Georgia.

Bianca put her hands on her hips and wrinkled her brow, “Who are you people?”

“Who are you?” asked Eddie.

“I’m Bianca Walsh, Lucinda’s daughter…” said Bianca.

“Really? I’m Lucinda’s niece, Georgia…”

“My mother has a niece?” asked Bianca aghast.

“Well, I didn’t know she had another daughter besides Lily…” said Georgia.

“Lily! Lily! Lily! It’s all about Lily!” said Bianca walking off with an attitude. The scene ended.

******************************************************************************************************

While on break, Dim snuck into that corner where all the vets had their dressing room with her duffle bag of secret stuff and came across Don Hastings, who played “Bob” and Helen Wagner who played “Nancy”.

“Hi guys. I’m Dim.”

“We heard about you,” said DH.

“What’s in the bag?” asked HW.

“Lobotomy tools. I thought I’d hook you guys up…Bob’s a doctor right. You might want to return…the favor…” hinted Dim, “Not only that sometimes our studio gets “I-Love-Lucy” mail - but I don’t know how can mistake OLTL for ATWT…”

“You’re such a sweet, young girl,” said HW grinning like a Cheshire cat as Dim gave the bag to DH.

DH was foaming at the mouth.

“I’ll get you your studio’s letters. I understand a nice, young girl like yourself named Laura Koffman was recently fired and some fans started up a campaign to get her back…also, we have a few boycott letters for you too…” said HW

Dim collected her letters and left. Dim got lost trying to find her way back to the set she was suppose to tape on. She came across Annie Parrisse and Keith Coulouris finishing a scene. Dim wrinkled her brow. That “Julia” sure was a psycho. Dim walked up to AP as soon as the scene finished.

“Ann - girl - your character is losing it,” said Dim.

“Tell me about it,” said AP.

Dim gave AP a card. It read, “Montana BooBee, Sonia Satra, Gun-For-Hire.”

“What’s this?” asked AP.

“Give BooBee a call. She can give you some tips on how to play a really bad psycho,” said Dim walking off.

*******************************************************************************************************

Dim walked onto the Synder farm kitchen set still dressed in “Bianca’s” power suit. It was getting pretty funky. Martha Byrne, who played “Lily” was all ready there. They exchanged autographs and the scene began.

Bianca stormed through the kitchen and saw Lily looking all miserable. Emma was consoling her. Lily looked up. Bianca stared at her hard, her hands on her hips.

“Bianca!” exclaimed Lily standing up, amazed to see her sister.

“Lily! You Puss! What have you done with Lucinda?” asked Bianca.

“Oh. You’re mad at me,” said Lily.

“Duh. Yeah, I’m mad at you. I love Lucinda. Now were did you ship Lucinda off too so I can go see her?” asked Bianca.

“To a safe place,” said Lily hesitant to give up the goods.

“Lily! Lily! Lily! It’s all about poor, downtrodden, spat-upon Lily! Well, what about Bianca? Who had to find her own way in the world? I love Lucinda too! And I want to see her!” spat Bianca all pissed off.

“O.k.,” said Lily genuinely moved, “I’ll tell you…”

The scene ended.

At the end of the day…

The ATWT cast and crew got Dim and RS cupcakes and they all shared laughs and giggles.

Ellen Dolan who played “Margo” inquired about Hillary B. Smith, who played “Nora” on OLTL and who used to play “Margo” before her.

Dim gave her an autographed toilet flusher from HBS.

The Next Day at the OLTL Studios…

Early the following morning, Dim and Robin stood in front of their EP, JFP, at parade rest while Jill munched on a snickers and smoked her ciggies.

“Dim, Robin, I’ve had it with you two. I just heard about the “As The World Turns” stunt. I knew there was a reason why Flo, Kassie, and Charissa were sucking up to me!” exclaimed Jill.

“Well, Jill…” started Dim.

“Don’t ‘Well, Jill…’ me. I even gave Rog flowers and he didn’t like them…!” pouted Jill.

“You didn’t give him black carnations did you?” asked RS, “I heard a rumor…”

“Of course not!” exclaimed Jill, “That’s not the point. Here.”

JFP thrust pink slips at them. Before they could take them Angela Shapiro, Jill’s boss busted in.

“Sorry Jill, I can’t allow you to fire Dim and Robin,” said AS, “They’re fan favorites. People tune in to see “Dorian” and “Botrina”. So suck it up and live with it. Besides, you’ve got a boycott to worry about…”

“Oh that…” said Jill, “I figure if I don’t pay it any attention it will go away.”

Dim turned to Robin, “Is there where I say, “I miss Rog?”
THE END