Poisonwood Got a Zit.

This is a work of fiction. It is meant to be satirical in nature. Initially published on 3 April 1999. This is a Satire Classic.

WHAT HAPPENS:

1. JFP gives Jonathan Reiner from TVGen that long awaited interview!
2. WK and EP have a smut scene.
3. ES pulls rank with JFP.
4. Botrina and Sophie raise hell.
5. Flo got scoop.

It was early in the morning. RS barged into Dim and Flo’s dressing room grinning from ear to ear, holding photos of TDS, RSW, and WK.

“What do you have there Robin?” asked Dim sipping her coffee.

“You gave me such a good idea last week,” said Robin, “So I’m re-doing the wallpaper in Jill’s office in shades of Tim Stickney, Bob Woods, and Bob Krimmer.”

“Does Bob, Bob, and Tim know?” asked Flo grinning.

“They gave me the pictures to print!” grinned Robin, “I just gotta get Jill out of her office for a little bit.”

“Hey - Jill’s giving an interview to Jonathan Reiner from TVGen for a few hours,” grinned Dim.

There was a knock on the door. Flo opened it.

A girl dressed in a UPS outfit, held up a package, “Ms. Lozano?”

“Uh-huh,” said Flo.

“I’m AngelaB. Kelly and Jules sent a year’s supply of cherry cough drops.”

“Thanks,” said Flo. She tipped the UPS girl and started passing out cough drops.

Just then, EP walked into Dim and Flo’s dressing room in a bathrobe and all flustered.

“Flo! Dim! Robin! Help!” said EP. Mardi Gras beads dangled from her neck and she wore her voodoo arm bracelet and wrist bangle.

“Poisonwood, looks like you’ve got a smut scene coming up…” giggled Robin, “What’s with the bangle?”

“Cruella said I had to wear it…” said EP frowning.

“So who are you getting lucky with?” asked Dim.

“Andrew! RoHo sleeps with Andrew…” started EP, “And Diva Hickland is not HAPPY.”

“Well, as long as she didn’t total your car…” added Flo.

“I can’t do this! I’ve got this horrible ZIT next to my lip!” exclaimed EP.

Robin, Dim, and Flo got in EP’s face to check it out.

“Yep, that’s a zit,” said Robin grinning.

“Bob doesn’t care. Trust me,” said FL, “He’s just happy to get airtime.”

“I’m doomed!” cried EP.

“Sounds like more INSANE insta-romance to me,” added Dim.

Just then there was a knock on the door. It was the new girl, Susan Misner.

“Hi girls. I’m new. Jill stuck me in a dressing room with Erika Slezak…only Erika kicked me out - ah…I need your help in finding a new dressing room…” said SM kind of embarrassed.

“Well, you came to the right place,” said Robin, “If Jill doesn’t give you a dressing room…we’ll just blackmail her into giving you one.”

“Or better yet, stick her in with Tim Gibbs for the time being. He rooms with John Bolger who is starting a play…” suggested Dim.

“Don’t worry Sue…we’ll get you a dressing room,” said Flo nicely.

SM just smiled, “Thanks.”

*******************************************************************************************************

Dim walked onto the set of Club Indigo dressed in a power suit that was a bit dingy ‘cos she had been working. TDS, PE, DF, TG, SM, HBS, PM, DJ, and CC were all ready there. The director yelled ‘Action!’ and the scene began.

Botrina and Joey walked in and took a seat at the bar. Joey looked depressed. Botrina looked at RJ who raised an eyebrow at her.

“Look RJ, before you get any crazy ideas, I’m helping Joey out. My cuzz is depressed over Kelly and Max,” explained Botrina. Joey looked at RJ and frowned. RJ softened.

“I’m cool. As long as you help me close down Club Indigo,” said RJ.

“O.k., me and Joey will have a shot of nip,” ordered Botrina.

Joey continued to look miserable. He needed a chick.

RJ poured them some nip and all three of them had a shot.

…Club Indigo’s Diva Club, Nora, Carlotta, Renee, and Viki walked in taking their usual seats.

A girl in an UPS uniform walked in and up to Nora, “Nora Buchanan?”

Nora looked up, “That’s me.”

“I’m AngelaB. I’ve got a delivery for you.” She gave Nora a package and walked out.

“What is it Nora?” asked Viki all excited.

“Baby clothes?” asked Carlotta.

Nora tore open her package, “Toilet flushers from Jilly, Anna, and Bo and Nora Fan!” she exclaimed with a smile.

RJ walked up to the table and took their drink orders. They all ordered Sex on the Beach.

…Sophie walked in and walked up to Botrina.

“Trina! College buddy! I’ve been looking for you. I just escaped from that nasty Ben…” said Sophie with a big grin on her face.

Botrina poured Sophie a shot of nip. Sophie eyed Joey, “Who’s the stud?”

Joey drooled over Sophie since he was starved for attention.

“Sophie, this is my cousin, Joey Buchanan,” said Botrina.

“How much money do you make?” asked Sophie.

“…So girls, where’s everyone’s man tonight?” asked Nora, “My Sam elected to stay home to watch little Matthew.”

“Yeah Viki - where’s your young stud Ben?” asked Renee.

“He couldn’t make it tonight. He’s running from ah…the…bad guys…you know…” stammered Viki, “But he does have the cutest pair of Fuzzy Dice I ever saw.”

“Carlotta? Where’s your man?” asked Nora.

“What man? I’ve taken to drooling over any man who looks at me,” said Carlotta, “I’d even drool over…Sy…ah…nah, on second hand…maybe not.”

“Renee?” asked Nora, “Where’s Asa?”

“Asa who? I’ve got the hots for Cris…” said Renee. Cris was sitting with Grace and Kevin in a corner.

“Isn’t my son a little young for you?” asked Carlotta.

Renee blushed.

“…Hey guys, while my buddy Rosie is out with Andrew for the night, you mind if I hang out with you?” asked Cris sitting down at Grace and Kevin’s table.

“O.k.,” said Kevin pretty dryly, “What about Jessica?”

“Jessica who?” asked Cris.

They all looked at each other really stupid like.

“So Cris, you work out, huh?” asked Grace giving Cris the googlie eyes.

“Yeah. You guys…are cool party people to hang out with…” said Cris.

“Thanks,” said Kevin, “That’s me. I’m a wild and crazy guy.”

“And I’m just a party girl,” said Grace.

“…You know,” said RJ watching Cris, Grace, and Kevin, “Grace and Kevin got that GOOD CHEMISTRY going on between them.”

Botrina rolled her eyes, “Prop! Prop!” whispered Botrina to RJ, “And now it’s time for our regularly scheduled FOJ promotion…”

“Hey RJ - how come you got to prop up all the FOJ’s and make them look good?” asked Joey.

“What’s an FOJ?” asked Sophie.

“Here,” said RJ, “Have a drink.”

Sophie grabbed Botrina and jumped up on a nearby table, “Trina! Remember in college how much hell we used to raise??”

“RJ! Throw on the party tunes!” said Joey joining Sophie and Botrina on the table. RJ played Boogie Nights music.

Joey, Botrina, and Sophie danced on the table like fools. Everyone looked on it shock.

“C’Mon!” said Kevin, grabbing Grace’s hand. They jumped up on a table and danced too.

Cris walked over to Renee, “I’ve got more going on with you than I do with those two,” said Cris pointing to Grace and Kevin, “C’Mon…let’s jump up on the table…” he hinted.

Carlotta looked aghast.

Renee jumped up on the table with Cris.

Club Indigo turned into a madhouse.

“It’s a good thing Club Indigo is gonna burn down soon…” muttered RJ as his guests got up on the tables and danced up a storm.

Viki had Carlotta and Nora drag out the Karoke machine and sang her favorite, “Walking on the Sun,” by Smashmouth.

The scene ended.

*****************************************************************************************************

It was two in the afternoon. Robin had graciously met Jonathan Reiner and his assistant, Liz2, in the lobby and was escorting him down to the green room and his interview with JFP. Just as they turned a corner they ran into a girl dressed in an UPS uniform.

“Robin Strasser?” asked the girl.

“Yes?” asked Robin.

“I’m AngelaB. I’ve got some wallpaper to deliver to you,” said AngelaB, handing RS the package. Then she walked off.

RS grinned a wicked evil grin.

RS, JR, and Liz2 walked into the Green room. JFP was smoking two ciggies and writing notes on her snickers wrappers. There was coffee and donuts laid out.

“Jill, this is Jonathan Reiner and his assistant, Liz2 from TVGen,” said RS making introductions.

Jill shook JR’s hand, “Just call me Jill,” said JFP flirting with him in her best suck-up voice, “Nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you too,” said JR grinning at her, not knowing what to think.

Just then ES burst in.

“Look Jill…I told you I get the private dressing room. I had to give that new girl, Susan, the boot…” started in ES.

“Erika, look, I got her a new dressing room…trust me…It’s all o.k. now…” said JFP kissing up and eating cheese.

ES frowned.

JFP turned to Robin, “You guys can go now. Robin, stay out of my office.”

JFP light another ciggie.

JR and Liz2 just crossed their arms in amusement.

“Ah, sure, no problem…” said RS lying. Her and ES left.

“So, Jon…what do you want to ask me?” asked Jill. Ash from the ciggie fell on the floor.

JR pulled out his list of questions and they all sat down, “O.k…Jill…the fans want to the know where Moose and Mud are.”

Jill wiped out her driver’s license and picked her teeth, “Ah - Robin had the pets last. I think. They’re hiding out in Asa’s wine cellar…” she said in her best brown nosing voice.

Liz2 took a note.

“And what happened to Wendy Mericury?” asked JR making a face.

“Wendy who? Look, I don’t have enough matinee idols to go around as it is. Didn’t she go out with Nigel or something?” asked Jill scratching her ear, “Or was she the bartender at Club Indigo?”

Liz2 took a note.

JR made another face, “So, ah, Jill…are you shopping around for any headwriters? What about the Farrelly brothers, from Something About Mary?”

“Ah, I’m looking really hard but all I get are these pleas from fans to hire the Labines back! Please! The fans don’t really know what they want. The fans want Sam. Lots of Sam. So I’m looking from writers who can give me lots of Sam…” explained JFP.

Liz2 took a note.

“Jill…”

“Jon…”

JR became desperate, “Jill. Liz Hubbard just left As The World Turns. Rumor has it she’s been hired to play Asa’s sister, Ada, who secretly married Sam’s father…”

“Asa has a sister? Really?” JFP raised her eyebrows, “More One Life To Live history for me to tamper with…”

Liz2 took a note.

“Jill, I got one last question,” said JR, “And this is serious.”

“O.k., Jon. I’m serious,” said Jill seriously.

“Except for Nora, Renee, and Viki, why are all the females on this show bitter enemies?” asked JR.

Jill wrinkled her brow, pausing. She put out her ciggies and thunk hard. Finally she looked up at Jon and said, “That was Spammy’s doing.”

“Right,” said JR. He turned to Liz2 who took a note.

“Liz, it’s time to go,” said JR.

They left.

*******************************************************************************************************

Flo, Dim, TDS, EP, and JSS were hanging out in Dim and Flo’s dressing room after work.

“Flo, got scoop?” asked JSS.

“I had scoop but Dick Backus just gave me a re-written script so I’m fresh out. The scoop is my story is being re-written,” Flo grinned, “Maybe I’ll get a new love interest. Who knows?”

“So Tim, are you resigning?” asked EP. There was a bandage over her zit.

Tim grinned, “I’m stringing Jill out…and giving her an opportunity to suck up to me for once.”

There was a knock on the door.

Flo opened the door. A girl in an UPS uniform gave FL a postcard and left.

Flo read, “Flo…you looked pretty perky in that Law shirt today. And I loved how you stuck Sykes with the bar tab! Sounds like something RealTéa would do. Rog. P.S. I miss you too Flo.”

“That Rog is such a nice guy,” said Dim.

“I miss Rog,” said FL.

NEXT:
1. Jill’s office gets a make over courtesy of Robin.
2. Reaction to Poisonwood’s smut scene.
3. Wild AE, JL, and Liz Hubbard rumors.
4. Will SM finally get a dressing room?
5. Flo got scoop.

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Jonathan Reiner’s questions were taken from the TVGen BBS board, Rant and Rave with Reiner. Big Thanks JR for your imput! Dim!