OLTL SATIRE-PART THIRTY TWO

An OLTL Satire - Part 32 - "So Dim, did Howard BANG you?"

This is a work of fiction. It is meant to be satirical in nature.

WHAT HAPPENS:

1. The cast picks names for the gift exchange. Guess who gets Jill?

2. Dim and Jason on the Howard Stern show.

3. Botrina in the hospital

4. Montana BooBee reveals a new weapon

5. Flo got scoop.

Dim and JSS walked into Howard Stern's studio building. An intern met them and took them up to see Howard's producer, Gary.

"Hey, what kind of name is DimWitt anyway?" asked Gary.

"Well, our EP, Jill Farren Phelps mistook me for a down on her luck Another World actress and I just didn't have the heart to bust her bubble," explained Dim.

"Oh," said Gary.

They stopped in front of the door to Howard's studio.

"Just go right on in. Howard's expecting you," said Gary.

"O.k.," said Jason. He opened the door and Dim followed him into Howard's studio.

"Well, guess who just walked in. We've got two stars from the daytime drama…ah, Robin…" started Howard with his headphones on over his head, speaking into his speaker.

"…ah, One Life To Live…" added Robin.

"…ah, One Life To Live… Jason Shane Scott and Dim…Witt. What kind of name is Dim Witt?" asked Howard looking up.

Gary had followed Dim and JSS in and helped them put on their headphones.

"Hey! I asked her that too!" said Gary all proud of himself.

"It's a long story Howard," said Dim.

JSS giggled.

"Wow. What are you wearing? You look HOT. Great legs…great hair…great tits…" said Howard oogling Dim.

"It's a power suit, Howard," answered Robin.

"My character on the show is a high powered executive and wears these clothes," explained Dim.

"Guess you're not so Dim, huh? So, Jason, you bang her on the show?" asked Howard.

Jason and Dim looked at each other and laughed.

"Ah no," said JSS, "I wish. I banged a seventeen year old on the show and now I've got a kid on the way."

"I'll bang you. Can I bang you? You're HOT, Dim," said Howard.

"Howard! You're married!" said Dim.

"Howard, they can't stay long. Let them tell us about their show," said Robin.

"So? You do quickies?" asked Howard.

Dim and Jason laughed again.

"All right. Tell us about your show…" said Howard.

"I play Will Rappaport on the show and I'm involved in a teen pregnancy," said JSS.

"And I play Botrina Tran Buchanan. I'm a tough-as-nails executive who used to be pregnant..."said Dim.

"I take it there's a lot of sex on your show…" added Robin.

Just then Gary walked in and gave Howard a note. Howard chuckled.

"Hey Dim, Gary found out what your real name is…" taunted Howard.

"Oh, Howard, please…don't go public with it…" pleaded Dim.

"Why not?" asked Howard, "Will you bang me if I don't go public with it?"

"I don't want Jill, my Executive Producer, to find out. I'll do anything…" said Dim.

Howard chuckled, "Well folks, sounds like…ah…One Life To Live…is a HOT sexual daytime drama. Tune in and see Dim and Jason everyday…"

Back at the OLTL studios, Dim, dressed in a hospital gown, lay in bed waiting for her scene to begin. TDS walked in and grinned.

"Dim, I heard your interview on Howard today. He almost let out your real name. So, did you bang him?" asked TDS.

"No, I got out of it," said Dim.

"How?" asked TDS.

"Places everyone. Action!" yelled the director.

RJ turned toward Botrina, "Well, it's over with. How do you feel Trina?"

"I'm sad RJ. How do you feel?" asked Botrina.

"I'm sad. I bet all your Buchanan clan are glad it happened…I can just see them consoling themselves about those bad Gannon genes coming into the family," said RJ.

"That's not fair RJ," said Botrina.

"Maybe not. But it's true," said RJ.

"If you're going to be this miserable, do it elsewhere," said Botrina.

"Fine," said RJ. He walked out. The scene ended.

The cast met in the make-up room to pick names for the OLTL Christmas party.

The gossip crew was naturally present.

DJ looked at TG while he picked a name out of the hat, "Hey! I got…Flo!"

Flo grinned, "No blow up dolls Don."

Flo picked a name, "I got Rog."

"No surprise there Flo," said DJ, "I'm jealous. Todd can't love you like I can."

EP picked a name, "I got Catherine."

CH smiled, "I need towels. Preferably pink."

ES picked a name, "I got…Mark Derwin??? Who is Mark Derwin???"

"Your new love interest," said Jill.

JFP picked a name, "I got Tim."

"I want an I-love-me wall," joked TG.

Dim picked a name and gagged.

"Who did you get?" asked FL.

"I got Jill," said Dim.

"I need ciggies. Maybe that herbal blend…" said JFP.

LK reached into the hat, "I got Montana BooBee."

"I need Spam," said Sonia.

"Sonia, I thought Montana BooBee was going to reveal a new weapon for her arsenal," said DJ.

Sonia, dressed as Montana BooBee, pulled out a pen from her purse and pressed the top. Ink squirted out all over him, "I call it a BooBee Bomb Pen. I use if only in extreme circumstances - like when the writers are writing some drivel. I substitute this pen and it makes a mess over what they are writing."

SS reached into the hat, "Hey…I got Erika."

"Which one?" asked ES and EP in unison.

"Slezak," said BooBee.

"No Spam Bombs or BooBee Bomb Pens," said ES.

Dim and JSS walked into JFP's office for mail call. AS was all ready there.

JFP dragged on her ciggie.

"I'll take generic too…" said JFP looking at Dim.

"Thanks, Jill," said Dim.

"SOD published their best/worst issue," said JSS.

"I'm afraid to ask, but how did the show do?" asked AS.

"Tim Gibbs got worst recast," said Dim smiling.

Jill frowned, "Did we a BEST anything?"

"Todd got BEST exit," said JSS, "But personally, I thought Todd's exit sucked. He never did """IT""" with Téa."

"Botrina got BEST new female character," said Dim smiling.

"And the teen scene got BEST social issue," added JSS.

"I get the hint. Let's go to the letters…" said Jill. AS pulled out her note pad. Jill found her snicker's wrapper underneath her intercom.

"This one says Téa with NO ONE. Not even Max," said Dim.

"What else does it say?" asked JFP.

"From Tex and Jules," said Dim.

"Oh," said JFP.

"Fans are psyched to see more RJ on the screen," said JSS.

"However, fans think there's too much Sam on the screen and that he's hogging up airtime that the old favorites need," added Dim.

"But! Kale's great!" protested JFP.

"But the fans don't sleep with him, Jill," said AS.

"Oh," said JFP dragging on her ciggie. She poured herself some of Asa's nip.

"Fans are upset that Clint Ritchie is leaving the show…" started JSS.

"So is Bob Woods," added JFP.

"And fans heard Mel might be gone too…" started Dim.

AS looked at JFP. She took a shot of nip and dragged on her ciggie.

"Response to Mark Derwin is mixed. People are saying he's just another damn FOJ," said JSS.

"Tell me something positive!" demanded Jill.

"Jay Leno wants Montana BooBee on his show…" said Dim.

"I can't win!" muttered Jill. She dragged on two ciggies.

EP, TDS, Dim, and Flo were hanging out in Dim and Flo's dressing room at the end of the day. Flo had just walked in wearing a towel over her head.

"Flo, just get done taking a shower?" asked TDS.

"Yeah," said Flo, "Erika Slezak let me borrow her shower. It was a long day."

"So, Dim, how did you get out of banging Howard Stern?" asked TDS.

"What's your real name Dim?" asked EP.

Dim felt the pressure. Damn that Jill! All eyes were on Dim.

"Ah…Howard's wife showed up," said Dim.

"And…fess up…Dim… What's your real name?" asked TDS.

"I can't. I can't take the chance Jill will find out. So, Flo, got scoop?" asked Dim.

"Dim, you're changing the subject," said Flo.

"Uh-Huh. Got scoop?" asked Dim.

"Téa spends Christmas in Angel Square," said Flo.

There was a knock on the door. FL answered it. It was a messager with a postcard for her.

"So, Flo, is it from Rog?" asked EP.

"Yep. Rog writes…Flo, you won't believe what I did. I cut my hair and dyed it blond. Wait till you see it! I kinda like it. Did a few auditions but no nibbles yet. See you next week at the OLTL Christmas party, Rog. P.S. I miss you too, Flo."

"Rog cut his hair?" exclaimed Dim.

"And dyed it blonde?" exclaimed EP.

"Heaven help us," said TDS.

"I miss Rog," said Flo.

NEXT:

1. The OLTL Christmas party.

2. Mark Derwin shows up to work.

3. KdP gets tickets to Robin Strasser's play

4. Flo got scoop.