OLTL SATIRE-PART THIRTY ONE

An OLTL Satire - Part 31 - Erika Slezak turned down Howard Stern…

This is a work of fiction. It is meant to be satirical in nature.

WHAT HAPPENS:

1. Botrina breaks the news to Bo and Asa.

2. Kevin is back from Kosovo

3. Problems with the ABC message boards

4. Flo got scoop.

Dim felt sad as she crossed the picket lines and walked into the studio. It was early in the morning, around 7:30. She ran down the stairs into her dressing room. Flo and TDS were all ready there.

“Morning Flo. Morning Tim,” said Dim taking off her winter jacket and mitties.

“Morning Dim,” said Flo and TDS.

“What’s up?” asked Dim hanging her coat up.

“Well, I was checking out the ABC message boards and found out someone is pretending to be you,” said TDS.

“No way! How dirty!” said Dim sitting down.

“Well, I knew it couldn’t be you ‘cos they were dogging out RJ and Botrina hard,” said TDS. He sat down on the little couch facing the door.

“What can I do about it?” asked Dim.

“I know,” said Flo, “I’ll call Jules, my personal assistant. Get her to work on the problem while we block and tape today.”

“Well, if we’re having Jules over, let’s make her welcome. I’ll make the coffee,” said Dim.

Flo called Jules.

Dim and TDS took their places on Botrina’s houseboat. They had to keep the scene simple because the replacement workers couldn’t handle the angles. The director yelled ‘Action!’ and the scene began.

Botrina, dressed in a power suit and short skirt, and RJ, paced.

Nothing was said. There was a knock on the door and Bo, Clint, and Asa walked in.

Asa dragged on his stogie.

“G.D., what’s up? You called us all over here,” asked Asa. Clint carried Asa’s bourbon.

“Something wrong Trina?” asked Bo.

Botrina turned to face them. Her arms were crossed. RJ did the same.

“I have to terminate the pregnancy,” said Botrina sadly.

Everyone’s face fell.

“You’re saying that so you and Gannon don’t have to get married,” replied Clint.

“G.D., you can’t…!” said Asa.

“Why?” asked Bo.

“It’s an ectoptic pregnancy,” spat out RJ.

“Ecop…Ecop…what kind of pregnancy?” stuttered Clint.

Bo’s face fell.

Asa produced four shotglasses and looked at Clint, “Pour the nip. I need a shot.”

“Uncle Clint,” said Botrina with sadness all over her face, “The baby isn’t growing where it’s supposed to be. It’s growing in my fallopian tube. I could die if I don’t terminate the pregnancy.”

Bo looked at Trina with tears in his eyes, walked over to her and gave her a hug.

Clint passed out the shots and even gave RJ one.

“Aw, Trina,” said Bo, “I’ll be with you the whole time, o.k?”

Everyone was sad.

“I’m going to admit myself tomorrow,” said Botrina.

“O.k., o.k.,” said Bo soothingly.

Just then, TG, as Kevin burst in, “Hey! I heard there was a meeting at Botrina’s and I just got back from Kosovo. Am I late?”

PC bent over and whispered into CR’s ear, “Another Damn FOJ hogging the airwaves and ruining a perfectly good scene.”

They laughed.

“What’s so funny old man?” asked RJ, “This ain’t funny!”

“What ain’t funny?” asked Kevin, “Why are Bo and Botrina crying?”

“For Pete’s sake!” exclaimed RJ, “You ruin everything Kevin!” RJ picked Kevin up by his coat’s collar, escorted him to the door and threw him out.

He turned around and wiped his hands.

“Thank you RJ,” said Botrina.

“Your welcome,” said RJ.

The scene ended.

Flo and Dim were in their dressing room eating salads for lunch. Flo had the laptop plugged into the phone line and they were checking out the message boards.

“Gosh,” said Dim, “I miss Robin. I need a new partner in crime.”

“Don’t look at me. I like to stay out of trouble,” said Flo.

“You’re such a goodie-goodie Flo,” said Dim giggling.

“Whooo-howww. The Téa bashing is in full force today…” muttered FL.

Just then Jules walked in, “Hi, Girls.”

“Hi Jules,” said Dim and Flo.

“Jules, did you fix that message board problem?” asked Flo looking at Jules.

Jules laughed, “Those people are obsessive, Flo! They had the gall to call me normal.”

“You’re not normal?” asked Dim. Jules giggled, “Well, I went and talked to AS about the problem and you know what happens when you start at the top…”

“Shit rolls downhill,” finished Dim grinning.

Flo burst out laughing.

Jules and Dim turned to face her.

“What’s so funny Flo?” asked Dim.

“Oh my God!” laughed Flo, “This is so funny! This one post says the reason

Rog left was because he didn’t want to do love scenes with me! If they only knew…”

They all giggled.

Dim and Flo walked into the make-up room. The usual suspects - DJ, ET, EP, GT, SS, DF, and JSS were there.

“What’s new Don?” asked Flo sitting down in her make-up chair. “Some girl applied for the head writer job - Donna Daytime - but it turned out that was an alias for Spam the Hack and AS turned her down,” said DJ.

“Wow, I miss Robin,” said Dim. On went the blush.

“I don’t,” said EP, “She was always giving me grief about Spammy, ah, I mean my buddy, Pammy.”

“So what’s new in the teen scene?” asked GT.

“Rosie’s back to her voodoo tricks,” said EP, “I think she’s doing it just to piss her MOM off.” EP looked at FL.

“I am not your mother!” exclaimed FL.

“Yeah…Rosie uses another voodoo doll on me,” said ET, “So I decide not to marry Cris.”

“Erika, got anymore voodoo dolls? I need to use one on Kevin,” said Dim.

“Maybe I should use a voodoo doll on you Flo,” said DJ, “Maybe then Téa will go out with Joey.”

DJ grinned at FL.

“Téa doesn’t need anymore love right now,” said FL. On went the eyeshadow. “You could use a voodoo doll on me,” said GT, “Kelly needs a love interest.”

“Sonia, do you have a final tape date yet?” asked Dim.

“Not yet - which is cool because I’m working on a new weapon for BooBee’s arsenal,” said SS.

“Oh yeah? What?” asked DF.

“I’ll tell you next week,” said SS.

“Hey! Does anyone know who’s taking Robin’s place for mail call?” asked Dim.

“I am,” said JSS.

“Well, we gotta go,” said Dim, “It’s that time.”

Dim and JSS left.

Dim and JSS walked into JFP’s office. AS was there too. JSS let his huge stack of letter flop onto JFP’s desk. JFP dragged on her ciggie. She had her snickers wrapper so she could take notes.

“All right, give it to me straight,” said JFP.

“Botrina’s Testosterone Brigade has noticed that she need

s a new wardrobe. She wears the same power suit every five days,” started Dim.

AS looked at JFP.

“I don’t have any money for wardrobe,” said JFP.

AS wiped out the ABC checkbook and wrote JFP a check, “Fix it Jill.

Take the cast on a shopping spree. Call it a Christmas gift.”

JFP’s eyes bugged out.

“Well, Todd topped the polls again,” said JSS.

“Again? But he’s been gone for over a month now!” said JFP, “Where’s Sam and Kevin in the polls?”

“Well, Kevin came in DEAD last,” said Dim.

“And Sam is somewhere in the middle,” said JSS.

AS looked at JFP, “What does that tell you Jill? I know what it tells me…”

JFP frowned, lit another ciggie and dragged on two at once.

“Fans want to know the scoop with Fiona Hutchinson. Are you signing her or what?” asked Dim.

“We’re working on it,” said JFP.

“That’s what you said about Andrea Evans,” replied Dim.

“Fans have noticed the dialogue has improved and initial reaction to Backus’ s stuff is really positive,” said JSS.

AS smiled, “That’s good to hear.” “Oh,” said JFP, “Dim, Jason…I got you a slot on the Howard Stern show to plug our show. Howard’s interview will only last ten minutes…”

“Howard Stern?” exclaimed Dim.

JSS smiled.

“Well,” said JFP, “Erika Slezak turned Howard down. She had a prior commitment but didn’t say what.”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” asked AS.

“Sure, why not? They do it in LA all the time,” said Jill.

“Why me?” asked Dim, “You know I hate doing these things.”

“I ain’t sending Montana BooBee. Last thing I need is for her to detonate a

Spam Bomb on Howard,” said JFP.

“Good point,” said Dim.

Dim and JSS finished with the mail and left.

It was the end of the day and Dim, Flo, EP, and TDS were in Flo and Dim’s dressing room chugging H20 and hanging out.

“Finished with finals?” asked TDS.

“No,” said Dim, “I’ve got one more left. Torts. It’s going to cover defamation, slander, libel…”

“Erika, I thought Rosie gave up on voodoo,” said FL.

“I did too,” said EP frowning.

There was a knock on the door.

“C’Mon in,” said Dim.

“Postcard for Miss Lozano,” said the messenger.

“How come I never got a postcard from Pam?” asked EP.

Flo got up and retrieved the postcard. The messenger left.

“So, what does it say Flo?” asked TDS.

“It’s from Rog. He writes, Flo, I think it’s great they made you an ADA.

Looks like the new management is working hard to improve things. The Christmas tree I cut down in finally up. I’ll be at the show’s annual Christmas party. See you guys then. Rog. P.S., I miss you too, Flo,” read Flo.

“When is the Christmas party?” asked EP.

“In two weeks,” said TDS.

“Erika - if you get my name in the gift exchange - no voodoo stuff…” said Dim.

“I feel bad for whoever gets Montana BooBee,” said TDS.

“Got scoop, Flo?” asked Dim.

“Max and Blair are shocked when Téa hooks ‘em up for perjury,” said FL.

“You know, I don’t think JdP misses Rog,” said TDS.

“Well, I miss Rog,” said Flo.

NEXT:

1. The cast picks names for the gift exchange. Guess who gets Jill?

2. Dim and Jason on the Howard Stern show.

3. Botrina in the hospital

4. Montana BooBee reveals her new weapon

5. Flo got scoop.