OLTL SATIRE-PART TWENTY SEVEN

An OLTL Satire - Part 27 - We Got 1,556 cans of SPAM this week…

This is a work of fiction. It is meant to be satirical in nature.

WHAT HAPPENS:

1. Mail call is back. JFP runs out of ciggies.

2. Make-up room gossip

3. Botrina takes the P test

4. Flo got scoop.

The atmosphere was overcast in the OLTL studios. RH was gone. Flo and Dim - going over scripts in their dressing room - were sad. There was a knock on the door.

“C’Mon in,” said Dim.

Robin Strasser walked in, “Hi Girls.”

“Hi Robin,” said Flo and Dim, “What’s up?”

“One down - one to go. I’ve got a plan I need help with Dim. Involves a wine cellar…” said RS.

“Do tell…” said Dim.

Dim walked onto the Club Indigo set and met TDS. She was dressed in a power suit.

“Tim, where have you been?” asked Dim.

TDS smiled, “On a backburner.”

The director yelled ‘Action!’ and the scene began. Botrina walked into Club Indigo holding a brown paper bag. RJ was behind the bar whipping glasses.

“Glad you’re back, RJ,” said Botrina sitting down at the bar.

“Glad to be back,” said RJ leaning over the bar and kissing her.

“Well, I’m glad they cleared you of that mess,” said Botrina.

“Yeah. Messy little problem,” said RJ.

“Problems, Schmoblems,” said Botrina, “Who doesn’t have problems?”

“To what are you referring?” asked RJ.

“Let’s take me for example. I’m successful. I’m rich. I’m a high power executive. And I got Kevin - who I’m trying to ship off to Kosovo - my boyfriend was on the lam for what seemed forever - my step-mother, Nora’s been riding my ass - and to boot - I got this…” said Botrina holding up her little brown bag and putting it on the bar.

“What’s in there?” asked RJ continuing to wipe glasses.

“Open it,” said Botrina.

RJ put his glass down and opened the bag. He looked up in surprise and awe, “You’re…”

“All I gotta do is take it, but I’m pretty sure I am. I’m sick, I’m dizzy, I barf at weird hours of the day…” started Botrina.

“Wow…” muttered RJ.

“RJ!” exclaimed Botrina, “I wheel and deal millions a day! Can you see me in a maternity dress?”

“I hope to,” said RJ. He could barely contain his glee.

“So, you’re o.k. with this?” asked Botrina.

“Yeah. But first we should find out for sure,” said RJ walking around the bar. He grabbed the bag and put his hand in the small of her back, “Let’s go take this.”

He escorted her out and the scene ended.

Dim walked into the make-up room. The gossip crew, FL, GT, ET, DJ, EP, RS, and SS were in their chairs being attended to.

“What’s the latest, Don?” asked Dim. On went the blush.

“It’s ugly. The production crews are going on strike. No one wants to brave the picket lines…” started DJ.

“That is ugly,” said GT.

“Hey - I’m stuck doing mail call now,” said EP.

“Spammy ain’t around to get out of the dirty work, huh?” ragged RS.

“How come I never see Erika Slezak in the make-up room?” asked SS. On went the eyeshadow.

“’cos she’s got too much class to come down to the make-up room and gossip,” said ET. On went the eyeliner.

“Hey Sonia - is Montana BooBee gonna stick around now that Spammy Long is gone?” asked Dim.

“I haven’t decided yet,” said SS, “But I know I’ll never go out of business killing those OLTL rumors…”

“Hey Flo,” said DJ, “Miss Rog?”

“Why do you ask?” asked Flo.

“Well, now that Rog is gone, you’ve got your pick of any leading man you want. You can re-do Slime - you can have Max, the studmuffin…” started DJ. Flo made a face.

“…you can have Asa if you like older men - Kevin is ALWAYS available - ah, I’d leave BooBee for you - Dr. Lange is a possibility - and then there’s always Sykes…” continued DJ.

Flo made a bigger face, “If I can’t have Rog, I want NOBODY!”

Gina made a face, “Hey! How come Kelly can’t get a date? Kelly’s rich - single - cute. I don’t get it? Knowing my luck, JFP will put Kelly with Asa!”

“Don’t worry. I’ll kill that rumor before it starts,” said BooBee.

“Hey, can I invite JSS to next week’s gossip? I’m sure we’ll have plenty to talk about after supersoap weekend,” said ET.

“He’s cool,” said DJ.

“CASTING CALL: Erika Page and Erin Torpey to the Teen Scene!”

“Gotta go,” said ET and EP, “See ya next week.”

Dim opened the door to JFP’s office and walked in with a stack of letters.

EP followed behind her dragging a mailbag.

“Girls,” said JFP dragging on a ciggie, “You know Angela Shapiro. She’ll be sitting in on a few mail calls.”

“Oh,” said Dim.

“I’m trying to whip the show back into shape,” said AS, “What’s with the mailbag?”

EP spoke up, “The studio got 1,556 cans of SPAM this week…”

As gave JFP a dirty look. JFP put out her ciggie and lit another two, dragging hard on them.

“All right,” said AS, “What do the fans want to see?”

“Well, we’ve got a zillion letters from Texas by Tex, Island Girl, CG…one from Jules, Flo’s personal assistant, who all want Téa with… NO ONE if she can’t have Todd,” said Dim.

AS took a note. JFP searched franticly for a notepad and did the same, dragging on her ciggies.

“What else?” asked AS.

“SEW and the Botrina Tran Testosterone Brigade are expressing disappointment in the fact Botrina will be trading power suits in for maternity wear soon…” added EP.

AS took a note. JFP put out her ciggies and reached for another one. “That was Spammy’s doing,” said JFP to AS.

“Right,” said AS, “What do the viewers think of Kelly/Max? Téa/Sykes?”

“Kelly and Max…nah. Téa and Sykes… Definitely NOT,” said Dim, “Remember… Téa with NOBODY!”

AS turned to JFP, “Get that Richard Backus up here.”

JFP turned on her intercom. The All My Children theme played, “Richard? Can you come up here? Please?”

“All My Children?” asked AS looking at JFP.

“At least she’s got the RIGHT network this time,” said Dim.

RB walked in with pen and paper, “What’s up?”

“Listen up,” said AS, “Who’s HOT?”

“Todd. Téa. Botrina. RJ. Blair. Viki. Will. Jessie.” said EP.

“Who’s not?” asked AS.

“Sykes, BooBee, Kevin, Lindsay, nuCris, Roseanne…” said Dim.

“Fix it,” said AS looking at RB.

“Fans want to see Kelly get a life and go into business against Blair. Téa with NOBODY, and they don’t want to play “Whose Baby is it?” with Bo/Nora/Sam. They want the kid to be Bo’s,” said Dim.

“Fans want to see Kevin gone, RJ getting a storyline, Moose and Mud brought back, Hank and Carlotta to hook back up, and Andrew with Cassie,” said EP.

“Fans also want to see Erika Slezak off the backburner and given a storyline, the dialogue to improve but most IMPORTANTLY of all, Fans want Roger Howarth back!” concluded Dim.

“We’ll see what we can do,” said AS.

Dim walked into her dressing room. Flo was burning a candle and drinking H20.

“Flo, you know I get uneasy when I see you around fire…” said Dim.

“Well, it’s good thing you weren’t here that day Téa burnt the cabana down,” said Flo giggling.

“Got scoop?” asked Dim.

“John Bolger’s been hanging around me lately,” said Flo, “He’s all right but Sykes CREEPS me out.”

“So, tell me Flo, is it “insta-love” for Téa and Sykes?” asked Dim.

“I hope not,” said Flo, “We got new writers now.”

“What do you want to see for Téa now that Todd’s gone?” asked Dim.

“Got a year?” asked Flo.

NEXT:

1. RS and Dim lock JFP in the wine cellar

2. Bo and Asa fight about Botrina.

3. More make-up room gossip

4. Flo got scoop.