OLTL SATIRE-PART THIRTEEN

An OLTL Satire – Part 13 – “Mel said Roseanne was jailbait…”
This is a work of fiction. It is meant to be satirical in nature.

WHAT HAPPENS:
Botrina and Kelly do lunch.
Nora and Kevin do lunch too.
Botrina and Cassie do the mail.
Dim finds out from Bob Woods that JFP’s ciggies are spiked.
Flo got scoop.

Dim was walking down the hall going to wardrobe when she met up with Bob Woods.
“Bob, JFP has been acting werid lately. She’s socialable – sweet – docile – even downright nice…” said Dim.
“Really? I hadn’t noticed…” said Bob smiling.
“I think it’s got something to do with those ciggies she said you got her,” said Dim.
“She said she wanted to try a different brand,” said Bob Woods really trying to hold back his giggles.
“So where did you get the ciggies?” asked Dim.
“From Erika. She said they were a special herbal blend from New Orleans,” giggled Bob.
“Erika? Page? She plays that werido Roseanne?” exclaimed Dim, “Are you sure it’s a herbal blend and not wacky weed?”
“Ah, I really don’t know… but it sure is fun to watch!” laughed Bob
. “Bob, I think we need to have a talk with Erika. I want the old JFP back.
It’s like this one is…insane…” muttered Dim. Dim grabbed Bob by the arm and they went to find EP.
The director yelled action and the scene began. Dim, as Botrina, and Kelly, walked into the Palace Restaurant dressed in Power Suits. Kelly recognized their lunch date, a guy named Mr. Ditty. Kelly and Botrina walked up to him.
“Mr. Ditty – hello – I’m Miss Tran-Buchanan. I’m running Buchanan Enterprises. This is my assistant, Miss Cramer,” said Botrina offering her hand in a handshake. Mr. Ditty took it.
“Nice to meet you Miss Buchanan, Miss Cramer,” said Ditty. They sat down. A waiter came by to take their drink order.
“So, let’s talk oil rigs,” said Mr. Ditty.
Botrina looked up, “Uh, oh…”
“What?” asked Kelly.
Nora and Kevin walked in.
“Snora and Kevil,” muttered Botrina to Kelly.
“Miss Buchanan?” asked Mr. Ditty.
Nora and Kevin walked up to Botrina’s table.
“Botrina…” said Kevin.
Botrina stood up, “Kevie-Wevie…what do you want?”
The waiter arrived with the drinks and placed them on the table.
“Let me deal with this BLEEP – BLEEP – CENSORED – CENSORED – slugworm,” said Nora.
Ditty whispered to Kelly, “Guess she doesn’t like Miss Buchanan too much.”
“Nora, can’t you think of any new colorful descripations to use? By the way, what’s for lunch? Liver? Cow’s tongue? Kilgon blood pie?” asked Botrina.
“Sounds like something a slugworm would eat,” said Nora.
“Look – it’s not even 3 o’clock or the stables – our usual stomping grounds… so why don’t you take your little gargolye and go eat something your mouth can ingest…” suggested Botrina sneering.
Nora picked up a drink and threw it on Botrina’s Power Suit, soaking her. Botrina stood there, silently for a minute – soaking in a gin and tonic.
Kevin evily giggled.
“O.k. – I’ve had about enough!” said Botrina. Botrina and Nora had another catfight right then and there.
Dim met LK and they picked up the mail.
“You know, JFP’s been acting TOO nice lately,” said LK.
“I know. Bob Woods told me JFP’s been smoking some herbal ciggies he picked up from EP. I think there might be some…wacky…herbal…weed…in those ciggies.
We went to see Erika but she’s got the day off,” explained Dim.
They got to JFP’s office and went in. JFP was smoking a ciggie and had her intercom taken apart trying to fix it.
“Dim? Laura? Mail call?” asked JFP.
“Somethings never change,” said Dim.
“Yeah. Jill. How many ciggies have you had today?” asked LK.
“4 or 5,” said JFP.
“Great,” muttered LK.
“So – give it to me straight…” said JFP mucking around with the intercom.
“Well – TnT’s “Salsa Kiss” was a big hit…” started Dim.
“And the fans are getting sick of seeing Botrina in therapy. The Power Suit Army wants Botrina to give up therapy and Max…” continued LK.
“…And the fans haven’t decided if they like the RJ and Carlotta thing…” finished Dim.
“What RJ and Carlotta thing?” asked JFP.
“You know – with the elevator…” said LK.
JFP put her intercom together and pressed a button. Twilight Zone music played.
“PAM! YOU KNOW THE DRILL!…PLEASE?” said JFP.
Dim and LK looked at each other and raised an eyebrow.
“Did we get any fan mail about Kevin? My favorite?” asked JFP.
“Well, we did get a letter from the KATAC saying they retched when they saw the Where the Boys are Kevin promo,” said Dim.
PL walked in, “What Jill?” She had a pencil behind her ear.
“What’s this RJ and Carlotta thing?” asked JFP.
“You said put ‘em in the same story so they bonded with being trapped in an elevator. Now some hoods are putting pressure on Carolotta by vandalizing her diner. They want her to convince RJ to go in business with Mr. Ditty…” explained PL.
“Oh. I knew that,” said JFP lighting another ciggie, “What’s new with my girl Roseanne?”
“Mel said she was jailbait and cast her aside…” said PL.
“Jill, you need to lay off the ciggies. You might be coming down with something,” muttered Dim.
Dim and Flo were in their dressing room chugging H20.
“Dim, what’s up with those ciggies? You don’t smoke,” said Flo.
“JFP is acting weird. Come to find out she’s been smoking some herbal ciggies she got from EP,
“Can’t be soon enough for me,” said Flo.
“Got scoop?” asked Dim.
“It’s Todd’s turn to make the Salsa and Moose thinks it’s clam sauce…” started Flo.
“But I thought Moose was back in hiding in the kitchen…” said Dim.
“It’s a long story,” said Flo.
“How long?” asked Dim.
“Got a year?” asked Flo.

NEXT:
The Power Suit Army gets a tour of the studio.
Botrina leaves rotten eggs in Kevin’s in-box at the Banner
Dim finds out just what kind of herbs are in JFP’s ciggies.
Carlotta bows to pressure (?)
Flo got scoop.