PREVIOUSLY

Blair: Well, Asa's a snake, and you know he'll stop at nothing to get what he wants, including using his kids and grandkids.

Kelly: You're not much more pure.

Blair: (Suddenly angry:) Out!

Kelly: Fine. I have some more research to do. Maybe we'll get a frontpage story out of this in the end.

Blair: (Glares.)

Kelly: Bye. (Leaving.)

[Scene ends.]

**************************************************************************************************

[Scene. Two days later. Dr. Boyd's office. Todd enters and sits down across from Dr. Boyd.]

Todd: Hi, Doc.

Dr. Boyd: Hi, Todd. How was your week?

Todd: Some good, some not so good.

Dr. Boyd: Well, since we spend so much time with doom and gloom, tell me what was good about your week.

Todd: Not much to tell. Tea and I have been talking.

Dr. Boyd: That's good!

Todd: It's an effort. I hate words.

Dr. Boyd: And yet you run a newspaper. You're doing fine.

Todd: If this is doing fine then why does it feel so lousy? Besides, that's business.

Dr. Boyd: What have you been talking about?

Todd: (Pauses, looking at him a moment, then:) Couple days ago we went for a walk in the park, something we haven't done in ages, if we ever did.

Dr. Boyd: How was it?

Todd: We talked.

Dr. Boyd: About what?

Todd: About what gives me pleasure.

Dr. Boyd: In what way?

Todd: Emotionally mostly.

Dr. Boyd: What does?

Todd: Being with my wife and my daughter. Sometimes I can't take my eyes off Tea, and I just want to be near her. Tea says that's what love is, but I'm still not sure. I feel like we share something, something deep and special.

Dr. Boyd: Does she have any similar feelings about you?

Todd: Yes. She described the same stuff. Look, this just feels so weird for me, you know? She loves me. I barely even know what that means, but I like that she loves me. It feels good that she loves me.

Dr. Boyd: Do you love her?

Todd: Yes. I think that's what I've felt all along, only I couldn't admit it. I didn't have the words to say it. I need her.... so much. When we first met, I was so shut down after everything with Blair, I swore I'd never let anyone in that far ever again. I only had anything for Shorty, I thought.

Dr. Boyd: Does Tea need you?

Todd: (Surprised:) Yeah. I still can't believe she loves me and that she needs me, too. You know what she said before the tape got played, before we'd gotten dressed up for the wedding?

Dr. Boyd: What?

Todd: I told her all I ever wanted was.... is to make her happy. She said I make her happy! (Grinning from ear to ear.)

Dr. Boyd: (Evenly:) How did that feel to hear her say that?

Todd: I was happy, but it was so scary. Now I had to live up to that, to keep living up to that, and I don't know how.

Dr. Boyd: Has she said this again since?

Todd: (Sadly:) No.

Dr. Boyd: What had you said to her before this?

Todd: It was more what I said when I said that to her.

Dr. Boyd: What had you told her?

Todd: I wanted the whole wedding deluxe, the whole package, you know? That I want a house with a picket fence, and a dog, and a two-car garage, and Starr living with us. I want us to be a family, a real one, together. She's the one, Doc. Tea's the only one for me. She says she wants us to be a real family, too.

Dr. Boyd: Todd, have you ever thought what it would be like for you if you had had a son?

Todd: I did, only he died. Blair miscarried our son.

Dr. Boyd: Oh, I hadn't known. I'm sorry. How did you feel about that?

Todd: To lose my little boy? I was devastated. Blair was devastated. He was our first child. We'd gotten back together and were really looking forward to having this kid.

Dr. Boyd: Did it contribute to the divorce?

Todd: I suppose, although not all that much, I don't think. Too many other things. Patrick.... Blair lost Poetboy's son, too. Brendan, I think? (Shrugs.) Starr was very sick, and this baby was supposed to be her bone marrow donor, only he died. We got someone else, though.

Dr. Boyd: I see. You didn't care about this child?

Todd: Really only as a donor for Starr. Look, I couldn't face raising someone else's son. I wouldn't be able to trust myself not to hurt him like I was hurt. I blamed Patrick for the baby's death for a long time, like he'd killed his son on purpose so Starr wouldn't get the bone marrow she needed and to get back at me, until Kelly stepped forward and confessed. She and Blair have been arguing ever since, Blair's never forgiven Kelly. It's one of the few things I respect Kelly for, owning up to it.

Dr. Boyd: What do you think it would be like if you and Tea were to have a son?

Todd: I'm so much like my father, I'm terrified of having a son. I don't want to hurt my son like I was hurt. I don't want to hurt Starr like that, either. Not ever. I'd die first.

Dr. Boyd: (Gently:) How did he hurt you?

Todd: (Sarcastic:) It's easier to ask what he didn't do. Peter could be pretty creative. Mel once called Victor Lord, my natural father, a formidable newsman, and I told him my father, Victor Lord, was a formidable pervert. My Dad was, too. Peter was a formidable pervert.

Dr. Boyd: I've read your file, I am aware of some of the things he did to you, but I also know this file barely scratches the surface. Can you tell me more?

Todd: (Squirming.) You're pushing.

Dr. Boyd: (Gently:) Sometimes I need to push you, you don't give away very much, even to me.

Todd: You're just like my wife, always pushing. You don't just let things go. (Sizes him up, seems to decide to start with:) He used to burn me with his lighter. (Watches reaction.)

Dr. Boyd: (Unshaken.) I remember that.

Todd: (Continues:) Some nights he'd come into my room and do things to me or take me to other rooms and do things to me. Nasty things. Hurtful, scary things. (Looks down to his hands in his lap, fidgeting with his wedding ring anxiously.) That's why I feel like there's a monster inside waiting to come out if I relax. (Looks at him:) For years I was sure there was something waiting under the bed for me to fall asleep so it could get me and rip me to pieces. It's why I think sleep's over-rated. Peter would come in and grab me at night by the collar of my pajamas with his knuckles at my throat. I'd wake up gasping for air and dangling in mid-air. Daytime is bad enough, but nights are worse. I can't sleep, I have nightmares and wake up screaming and flailing, tossing. I hit Tea once during one of them, and she ended up across the livingroom when she tried to touch me. Andrew was sure I'd beaten her up. I felt I should've been more careful. Silently I beat myself up for it for days after. Weeks, really.

Dr. Boyd: You were tangled up in a nightmare. Beat yourself up, how?

Todd: I could hear my father's voice, the things he'd say to me all the time. I could see him standing over me when he would scream in my face that I was worthless and stupid, and destructive and disruptive and on and on and on. I still see and hear him sometimes.

Dr. Boyd: Like in the cabin when you saw him taunting you and remembered that beating?

Todd: Yes.

Dr. Boyd: Like in that nightmare?

Todd: (Hoarsely:) Even worse. Sometimes I can even feel his touch.

Dr. Boyd: I see.

Todd: (Quietly, not looking at Dr. Boyd:) I tried to kill myself there.

Dr. Boyd: You did? In the cabin? You hadn't said a word.

Todd: (Looking down at his hands sadly:) I couldn't go through with it.

Dr. Boyd: Do you still have those feelings?

Todd: No. I just feel so sad. I feel like I failed even at that.

Dr. Boyd: It's not failure to survive, Todd. It's success to keep going, even when you hurt so much. What stopped you?

Todd: (Looks at him.) Sam.

Dr. Boyd: Sam?

Todd: (Quietly:) He took the rifle out of my hands. It was loaded. I didn't talk to him for weeks afterwards. I couldn't.

Dr. Boyd: Was there a big scene?

Todd: Remember I said I saw Peter at the cabin? Remember I said I had some memories of being there with him?

Dr. Boyd: The beating?

Todd: Whipping me with his belt, using the buckle on my back.

Dr. Boyd: (Sadly:) Oh.

Todd: I cried when I remembered that. I had never let myself feel those things before and I couldn't handle it when it came rushing back to me. I must have bawled for hours, it seemed, curled up on the floor wailing. (Pause.) See... see, I can tell you this, 'cos you won't tell anyone else, right?

Dr. Boyd: I won't tell unless you give me written permission to tell. That's the rule.

Todd: (Big sigh.) It still feels really weird, all this trust stuff, all this gut spilling. (Quieter, intense:) I wanna crawl outta my skin.

Dr. Boyd: (Gently:) It's ok. It may feel weird for a long time to come, and that's ok. It's normal to feel like you want to crawl out of your skin going over things like this, normal to want to hide, too. It's ok, Todd. You don't have to trust me all at once, that takes a long time to develop.

Todd: (Swallows.) What really did it was he taunted me. I could see him taunting me in that cabin, clear as day, telling me I was worthless and I should just die. He used to say that kind of thing all the time. He used to tell me I was a mistake and should never have been born. (Upset suddenly:) I'm not a mistake! I'm not a mistake!

Dr. Boyd: No, you're not a mistake.

Todd: (Sullen:) You're just saying that because I pay you to.

Dr. Boyd: Irene wanted you, from what you were told, it was Victor who made her give you up to Bitsy and Peter. I've known you long enough to know you're no mistake. You belong alive. You belong here, with your family.

Todd: That's a weird concept for me, "family". It used to mean Peter and me.

Dr. Boyd: I realize that, and I realize it's so important to you to have this family.

Todd: Don't get all mushy on me, Doc.

Dr. Boyd: (Smiles at Todd.) What else happened at the cabin?

Todd: Peter, that vision of him was so real, he wanted me to die and I didn't disagree with that at all. I already felt so awful, so toxic to those I love and to myself. I knew a week of burning hot showers and hard scrubbing with a wire brush and lye couldn't wash it away, I felt like such garbage right then. I usually don't really care if I live or die most of the time. He did that. (A little sadly:) My heart's so scarred from him it's a wonder it beats at all.

Dr. Boyd: It beats very strongly. You sound like you were deeply depressed then.

Todd: I guess.

Dr. Boyd: Those are signs of deep depression, deep despair, even shame.

Todd: (Appears a little lost in thought:) Now I know why he used to call me a bastard so often. (Wry half-smile.)

Dr. Boyd: The adoption?

Todd: Yeah. See, I am a bastard, in the most unremovable way possible. I guess he was showing me his sense of humour. (Laughs a little, ruefully.) Neither of my fathers wanted me. Peter always said I was just like him. And then he'd turn around and tell me I was total garbage. I couldn't win.

Dr. Boyd: That speaks volumes about what Peter thought of himself. You said you loved your father.

Todd: He didn't love me, though.

Dr. Boyd: Did you love your mother?

Todd: (Upset, sad:) Yes. Oh, yes. I was a complete wreck after she left. I read her note and I went hysterical. Peter beat me and locked me in a closet for it. I guess he couldn't stand me screaming then either, 'cos she left HIM, see, and he wouldn't allow that. He told me I was weak for being upset about it. I kept screaming and kicking the closet door for a while. I didn't go to school for the rest of the week, even when he was at work. He left me alone in that house those days. I hid myself in that closet and just bawled. I would cry myself to sleep in there. He'd come home and mock me for my red, swollen eyes. He knew I'd been crying. Then he'd knock me around.

Dr. Boyd: You had the perfect chance to run away, why didn't you?

Todd: (Anguish and rage:) Where would I go?! (Very upset:) I didn't know where my Mom was! I'd've run to her if I could have found her, and (tears:) I would have begged her to keep me with her! She didn't take me with her! She left me alone, with him! (Voice cracks. Quietly:) I wanted to die. He made threats. I wanted him to just do it then.

Dr. Boyd: (Quietly:) So you were completely alone then. I understand.

Todd: (Confident but sad:) I don't think you do. I don't think anyone but maybe Viki does. I grew up without her.

Dr. Boyd: You love your sister?

Todd: Very much. More than she knows.

Dr. Boyd: Why is that?

Todd: What?! Why do I love my sister?

Dr. Boyd: Yes. You hardly know her, you grew up seperately, and she's much older than you.

Todd: She's my sister. I have two, but she's been here and I'm more like Viki than I'm like Tina. I know Viki quite well now, better than she knows me.

Dr. Boyd: (Quietly:) Whose fault is that?

Todd: (Sadly, looking at his hands in his lap:) My own.

Dr. Boyd: (Waits a moment, then:) Do you like Tina?

Todd: (Shrugs.) She's ok, I guess. I'm not too crazy about her, no, but she's my sister and I guess I have to put up with her. She keeps visiting, she says she's here to see me. Why would anyone do that? I'd rather have her than not, but don't tell her that. She's a ditz, an airhead. She's also a gold-digger. She tried to scam my inheritance. Victor left her nothing.

Dr. Boyd: (Smiles briefly.) Does she live in town?

Todd: No, she's off somewhere. Maryland or Connecticut, or somewhere. (Shrugs.) I dunno. Viki would know.

Dr. Boyd: I noticed you befriended some children early on --

Todd: They turned out to be my niece and nephew, Tina's kids, and Viki's daughter, my niece Jessica. I adore Jessica, always have. She's an amazing kid. She's just like Viki.

Dr. Boyd: You're very protective of children, I find it surprising sometimes the way you talk about the relationships you have with them.

Todd: Children are to be protected. Peter taught me that in the breach by not protecting me in the least.

Dr. Boyd: Are you angry about that?

Todd: (Angrily:) Of course I am! No matter what, you don't hurt kids! What did Peter Manning do? He destroyed his son! Me.

Dr. Boyd: You said he locked you in a closet after your mother left.

Todd: (Starts off flatly and grows more agitated and upset as he goes on:) He told me only babies cried, and I-I couldn't stop so he beat me and I still couldn't stop. I was bad, he kept telling me, bad because I was crying because that bitch had left us, left him.... (Pauses. Voice more in control, but still upset, evenly:) I was crying because the only person who ever loved me had been driven away by him and I knew my life was probably over at that point.

Dr. Boyd: Was it?

Todd: (Deep sigh. Sadly:) Just that part of it.

Dr. Boyd: Which part?

Todd: (Quietly intense:) The part where someone loved me. Where someone took care of me. But needing that’s weak.

Dr. Boyd: It's not weak.

Todd: Yes, it is. It's for little kids. I get all hinky when someone's nice to me.

Dr. Boyd: On the contrary, it's very human to want that. Especially when you're little, but adults need to be loved, too.

Todd: Being human is weak. I can't do human. Too dangerous.

Dr. Boyd: Why?

Todd: (Looks at him.) I get hurt.

Dr. Boyd: (Pauses, then:) Why did you attack Nora Buchanan when she was blind? Why do you hate her?

Todd: She threw the rape trial, just to get back at me.

Dr. Boyd: She knew you had raped Marty Saybrooke.

Todd: Until then she was going to defend me, Zach, Kevin, and Powell. She had been.

Dr. Boyd: So you felt betrayed?

Todd: Yes.

Dr. Boyd: In what way?

Todd: She was supposed to defend all of us, especially me, and I told her she knew I was guilty and there was nothing she could do about it, secure in the belief that she would defend me anyway. You're supposed to trust your lawyer, right? She had an attack of conscience, and she betrayed me. I did prison time after all. My Dad really hated me for that, and he blamed me for it, when Nora threw the trial.

Dr. Boyd: Was this a private conversation?

Todd: Conversation? We never had conversations. He screamed at me. Sometimes I screamed back. Usually, I was supposed to just do what he wanted, NOW.

Dr. Boyd: Never?

Todd: Never. This was very public. (Shrugs.) That wasn't unusual.

Dr. Boyd: He did this often?

Todd: All the time. Look, we were in the lounge at the courthouse, and I was on a couch as far away from him as I could get. He stood over me and screamed at me about how it was all my fault Nora threw the trial, that I'd just totally blown it, everything was my fault, and on and on. I put my knees up to my chest, and I can remember cowering in terror in the corner of that couch. Zach and Powell were there, too. I got as small as I could.... He called me names and kept shouting, and all I could think of was: "my Dad hates me", over and over. No matter what I did to try to please him.

Dr. Boyd: Cowering?

Todd: He terrified me. Always. Even when I'd get back in his face, I was terrified.

Dr. Boyd: What were you feeling?

Todd: (Irritated:) Lemme finish, will you?

Dr. Boyd: Go.

Todd: He called me names. I was never good enough, no matter what I did. I didn't want to take responsibility .... he taught me .... (increasingly agitated) he .... uh.... oh, I can't do this. (Rises, turns to leave the room, stops at the door, facing it.)

Dr. Boyd: Todd?

Todd: (Leans his forehead against the door. Upset:) I can't do this. Don't make me do this.

Dr. Boyd: (Gently:) Yes, you can, Todd.

Todd: No. This isn't gonna happen. It's not happening.

Dr. Boyd: You came back to work with me.

Todd: (Rueful:) It was a huge mistake.

Dr. Boyd: You came for a purpose. Has therapy helped so far? (Waits for his answer.) Todd? Has it?

Todd: All it does is dredge up all that bad stuff! I don't want to talk about my father any more! I don't want to remember him! I hate him!! I hate him!!

Dr. Boyd: You have to remember, Todd, so you can put this behind you, put it to rest, and go on with your life. So you can take care of your daughter.

Todd: It'll never be put to rest, I can still hear him in my head. Make him stop! (He covers his ears with his hands, breathing raggedly, tapping his head against the door.)

Dr. Boyd: (Crosses to stand by Todd, tries to catch his eye:) Todd? Todd, look at me.

Todd: (Puts his hands down by his sides with some effort, breathing still uneven, head still against the door, eyes staring at the door.)

Dr. Boyd: Come sit, Todd. You look unsteady.

Todd: (Suddenly looks very tired, nuzzles his forehead against the door briefly.) Whatever. (Crosses back to his seat in front of Dr. Boyd's desk, moving the chair close enough to put his feet on the desk edge and slouch way down in the chair. It's almost as if he’s trying to hide.)

Dr. Boyd: (Notices the mannerism, but doesn't challenge it.) What just happened?

Todd: He was screaming at me in my head. I was remembering being on that couch in front of my friends, not friends now, but then. Him shouting and really ripping into me in front of them. It seemed worse somehow, like this time he was enjoying it even more than usual 'cos my friends were there to see it. None of us moved from the lounge. Zach and Powell, they could've left the room, gotten away from him. They stayed. (Takes his feet down, slouches low in his seat.)

Dr. Body: Did they say anything?

Todd: Not until later. Zach said he thought my Dad could've starred in Nazi training films. (Shrugs morosely.)

Dr. Boyd: So it was clear to other people who witnessed how he treated you that Peter Manning was exceptionally cruel to you.

Todd: I guess. Nobody did anything, except Sam stood up to him a couple times. Sam knew, but then he didn't know much of it. My Dad was like that to everybody, just worse to me. Now Sam feels like he has to make it up to me for not protecting me better when I was a kid. It's not his fault, what Peter did to me. (Sitting up again.) Look, when I left town, I can remember telling Sam at the airport that "sometimes a lie is the truth and the truth is a lie", just to get him off the hook. He saw through it, though, and I knew he would. He feels such guilt that he didn't do more for me, but what could he have done differently?

Dr. Boyd: I marvel that you survived it at all and haven't been even more violent than you have.

Todd: That day is just the tip of the iceburg. Look, I've been more violent than you want to know about. He did that to everyone, not just me, just most of it to me and to the women he dated. Sometimes he made me watch him hurt them. He hated me as much as he hated women and everything was my fault that wasn't theirs. I raped Marty. I blamed her for it. That's what I thought. I'd forgotten.

Dr. Boyd: Forgotten what?

Todd: How much of it was what he taught me. What he did to me. Look, I raped Marty, and I was very wrong to do that, and it was brutal, and I've apologized to Marty for it. I was crying. I meant it. I've made rape threats since, but I swear I've never raped anyone after Marty, even though I've been hauled in for questioning and even locked up on suspicion since. [Flashes back briefly on the discussion with Tea about trust and her bandaging his hand when he was jailed on rape charges more than a year before.]

[Jail cell at Llanview Police Department lockup.]

Téa: This is starting to feel like home to you, huh?

Todd: Yeah, we were getting something right? I mean like, together. Things were better…a little.

Téa: Maybe.

Todd: Then everything got all kind of crazy when that cop showed up. Okay, I…I went a little crazy.

Téa: Yeah, a little.

Todd: But look, I'm better now, see? And if you say nothing was going on, then-then-then nothing was going on. Oh, look, don't feel special, all right? I don't trust anybody. I'm working on it. I am working on it. So…there's just one thing I gotta know. Téa, are you sleeping with that guy?

Téa: Am I sleeping with him…

Todd: Yeah that guy, cop or whatever he is…are you sleeping with him?

Téa: This is you trying to trust me?! Forget it. Forget it, Todd.

Todd: Hey, I wanna know.

Téa: How could you think that I would do that to you?

Todd: I don't know…I saw you in bed with him in a motel.

Téa: You said you'd trust me. If you meant it…trust me.

Dr. Boyd: Todd? Are you ok?

Todd: Yeah. Yeah, just remembering something Tea taught me a long time ago.

[Scene ends.]

[Scene: The next day. The Sun Publisher's office (Todd's office).]

Todd: (Leaning against front of desk, crunching away on "runts" candies from his candy dish.) Who, Kelly? You're kidding, right? Kelly's dumber than a box of hair! Want some? (Holds out dish to Tea.)

Tea: (Takes a few candies and munches, holding up a banana-shaped one to Todd and grinning at him.)

Todd: (Grabs for it with his mouth, she snatches it away in time and puts it in her mouth. He grins at her. He shrugs and says:) Max deserves Kelly, and Kelly deserves Max. (Pokes around in the dish.) It's mostly bananas. (Holds dish out to show Tea.)

Tea: (Takes some, smiling at him.) Who does Blair deserve? (Crunching.)

Todd: (Crunching on candies, mouth full:) Sam. They'll make each other miserable.

Tea: I thought you loved Sam. (Crunch, crunch.)

Todd: I do. (Crunching on candies, but putting the dish down behind him on his desk.)

Tea: (Swallows.) Then why do you want him to be miserable?

Todd: (Swallows) I only want him miserable enough to dump Blair. (Smirks.)

Tea: I see...... And then where does that leave Blair?

Todd: Like you care? Chasing Max and trying to get him away from Dear Cousin Kelly.

Tea: You're vicious.

Todd: (Grins openly.) I'm enjoying myself! Would you deny me my little pleasures in life just for the sake of having me be nice to Blair, Kelly, and Max? You must be kidding. I live to make trouble.

Tea: (Quietly:) That's why you had to marry your lawyer.

Todd: Hey! Besides you've now said yes to me so many times you've begun to sound like Molly Bloom.

Tea: Who?

Todd: Nevermind.

Tea: No, I've never heard you mention her before.

Todd: You're kidding, right? You're not jealous? She's this chick in some book by this famous (waves his hand) Irish writer guy.

Tea: Oh. I read Neruda and Borges, and other spanish-language writers growing up.

Todd: (Shrugs.) Whatever.

[Scene ends.]

TO BE CONTINUED