PREVIOUSLY

Duke: If being married means arguing, I'm not getting married.

Kevin: You're going to have a pretty lonely life, 'cos you won't date, either. You'd be afraid it'd lead to marriage.

Duke: Ewww, yuck. Girls. Do you and Cassie do all that yucky stuff?

Kevin: You've seen us kiss before.

Duke: No, the other yucky stuff.

Kevin: (Thinks.) Yeah. Most grownups do.

Duke: I'm not getting that close to any GIRL!

Kevin: (Laughs.)

[Scene ends.]

**************************************************************************************************

[Scene: DK Diner. The breakfast crowd has been filing in and out steadily, Cris is late. Antonio is already behind the counter cooking orders.]

Carlotta: Mijo! You're late!

Cris: (Moving to behind the counter and putting on an apron, he looks at the order list and checks the stove.) Sorry, Mami. Where are we?

Carlotta: Let Antonio do these and then you take over.

Antonio: (Cooking:) Where have you been? Rosa and Luis have been running around like mad trying to cover your butt.

Cris: I said I'm sorry, 'Tonio. Now give me something useful to do.

Antonio: (Dishing up a plate and handing it to Cris, who hands it to Rosa (who delivers it).) Once these are done, you take over.

Cris: Where are you going to go?

Antonio: I have to call Andy, she should be up in a little while, and I need some quiet time.

Cris: Good luck, man.

Antonio: I may need it. (Finishes his set of orders.) All yours. (Takes off the apron and leaves.)

Cris: (Takes over.)

Carlotta: Why was he late?

Jess: He came to pick me up, I told him he should just come straight here, but he said he just wanted to see me.

Customer: Carlotta? (Holds up a voodoo doll.)

Carlotta: (Looks at it and rushes over to claim it.) Madre de dios. Thank you. (Returns to the counter where Jess is.)

Jess: We know whose that is, don't we?

Carlotta: It must've fallen from her pocket this morning. She's got some explaining to do.

Jess: No she doesn't. We all know what her goals are with this. Too bad it's not working. Do you know if she's heard from Will? He called me last night and said he'd call her today.

Carlotta: No, Roseanne hasn't mentioned anything about her plans really in, oh, a couple of weeks maybe.

Jess: Then I think we can rest assured she's scheming again, and this looks like a newer doll, which just confirms it for me. God, you know I wish things hadn't turned out like this. What a wasted person she is.

Carlotta: She's had a hard life and made some very stupid choices. It's not all her fault, but you didn't know her when she was small. She was a great little kid and growing into a good woman, although already a bit wild like her mother.

Jess: Did that all change when her mother died?

Carlotta: To be honest, I think it was changing slowly as Roseanne hit adolescence. She started getting sullen and more wild as the hormones kicked in, one of the reasons her father sent her to his mother-in-law. With his mother and step-mother dead there really wasn't anyone else.

Jess: Both?

Carlotta: Yes.

Jess: So Roseanne really was stuck.

Carlotta: Yes, which is unfortunate, but it really doesn't excuse things like this. (Holding up the doll to regard it.)

Jess: Nor her rudeness, cruelty, and manipulativeness. She seems pretty resentful that I was lucky enough to be born rich, and she's furious at Tea for marrying my uncle because he's rich and good-looking.

Carlotta: That's been her goal in life, to marry someone like him.

Jess: Be careful what you wish for.

Carlotta: Yes. Todd isn't all he might appear.

Jess: I love my uncle very much, and I know he loves me, but he's not just some rich himbo. It seems like that's all Roseanne really wants.

Carlotta: She's in for a rude shock.

Jess: Will may be shallow, but he's more self-centered than Roseanne and he's not wealthy. Sam is, Will is not. (Checks clock.) Time for my class. Bye, Cris! (Waves.) Bye, Carlotta.

Carlotta: Bye, Jess. (Crosses to behind counter, and puts doll in lost&found box under counter.)

[Scene ends.]

[Scene: PH2, same morning. Doorbell rings.]

Todd: (Opening door, sarcastic:) Oh, it's you.

Sam: Nice to see you too, pal.

Todd: I told you not to "pal" me.

Sam: You're in a chipper mood.

Todd: A chipper. That's a good idea. I'll send Blair through a chipper. Problem solved.

Sam: You'll do nothing of the kind, pal.

Todd: (Icy:) I told you...

Sam: Yeah, ok. No "pal".

Todd: Right. You got some burning reason to darken my doorway?

Sam: What's gotten into you? I'm on your side, remember?

Todd: You're also still determined to take that kid from his mother.

Sam: You don't even like Nora!

Todd: I don't have to. Matthew doesn't deserve to live a lie and you know it.

Sam: Is that what this is about?

Todd: (Won't look at Sam, who tries to catch his eye.) No.

Sam: Then what the hell is wrong with you this time?

Todd: Nothing out of the usual.

Sam: It's always something out of the usual with you, you're not like everyone else. Isn't that what you've always told me, since you were a little boy?

Todd: It's not some story I made up, it's a fact. I'm unique. There's no one like me. Victor didn't even want one of me. It's a good thing, too. Two of me could really do some damage.

Sam: One of you does enough damage. What kind of trouble are you in now?

Todd: Nothing! Can't I be in a bad mood from time to time?

Sam: (Angrily:) I'd say "sure", except when are you not in a foul mood?

Todd: Oh, all this love talk from you is going to go to my head.

Sam: What's gotten into you?

Todd: Nothing, Sam. Nothing at all. I don't need you. I don't need anybody.

Sam: Oh, once again the loner speaks.

Todd: Just like you said in the cabana when you dug out of me what my old man did to me.

Sam: It wasn't the place that was so important, it was --

Todd: Not the damn cabana again! I know what I said, I know what you think I said. I know what happened there. You and Delgado, it's the cabana this and the cabana that all the time. Man, am I glad Delgado torched it! Can't you guys just give it a rest?

Sam: A lot of important stuff happened in that cabana.

Todd: Yeah, like you dragging things out of me I never wanted to talk about and still don't. Like you turning your back on me, calling me names, and telling me you didn't love me.

Sam: (Aghast, contrite:) I'm sorry, Todd. I really am. I wish I could take that day back, it was awful.

Todd: (Bitterly:) You don't know the half of it. For you or me? I lost everything, Sam. I don't need you! I don't even like you half the time, do you know that? I certainly don't love you! You're fired! (Crosses back to the front door and opens it wide, glaring at Sam.)

Sam: Again? Fine. You're on your own, kid.

Todd: FINE!

Sam: FINE! (Leaves.)

Todd: (Slams the door shut, and covers his face with his hands for a moment.) Gaaaaah! (He then crosses to the desk, picks up the phone, dials, and begins yelling at Briggs:) Briggs!...Who do you think it is?! The guy that signs your paycheck!... Yes, I got your email! Whaddaya mean you're not comfortable with the headline? I wrote it, damnit! ...Yes, you're gonna print it as is... You wanna write my column?... You don't want the job?...Didn't think so...That's better. (Hangs up.)

[Scene ends.]

[Scene: Saybrooke Mansion, same morning.]

Mel: You're not planning something to do with Starr, are you? Haven't you done enough damage to that child?

Dorian: ME?!

Mel: Oh, here we go again. Ok, what are you planning now?

Dorian: Nothing. I'm just taking her to dinner tonight.

Mel: You know she doesn't want to be anywhere near you.

Dorian: I'm taking Kelly and Blair out to dinner in honor of Starr, that's all, nothing ulterior.

Mel: I highly doubt that. I'm betting Starr will be miserable and won't touch a crumb of food the whole outting.

Dorian: My niece has always had a decent appetite, she'll be fine.

Mel: Do you know that she refuses food if she has to sit at the same table as Max?

Dorian: Well, of course! He's stomach-turningly smarmy and she can see through that.

Mel: You're not getting my point: she isn't eating when she's around certain people. She isn't eating.

Dorian: She doesn't look ill. She must be eating something some of the time.

Mel: I've seen her with her father and step-mother, and she's fine. She's calm, happy, relaxed, and when I've seen her at The Palace Restaurant or the Diner with them, she eats well.

Dorian: And your implication...?

Mel: I give up. One thing: listen closely to what Starr tells you and shows you. You'll be very surprised.

[Scene ends.]

[Scene: Tea's office, lunchtime. She is eating a hurried sandwich at her desk with some soup and coffee.]

Sam: (Knocks quietly on her open door.) Hi...

Tea: (Distracted from her lunch while also reading a brief, looks up.) Oh, Sam, hi. Come on in.

Sam: Sorry to bother you, you look swamped.

Tea: I need another airtank...

Sam: Your regulator sounds clogged, I think you need to surface now.

Tea: (Smiles.) Ok, what can I do for you?

Sam: We had another argument this morning.

Tea: And Todd's theme was?

Sam: I'm not really sure, actually. He harped at me about Matthew.

Tea: What about him?

Sam: (Light goes on:) Oh my god. I think he's still angry with me for what he feels was my abandoning him so many times to Peter. He was just taking it out on me more subtly than usual and I missed it. He said it was that day in the cabana, and the night of your wedding.

Tea: Well, then don't take this too personally. He has a hard time with you a lot of the time, a lot of conflicted feelings.

Sam: He does? I guess I should've known. Sometimes I have no clue how to reach any of my kids. I've got one in New York City, one in Rome, and this guy.

Tea: (Smiles:) Well, he's your problem child. I know he loves you.

Sam: I certainly love him very much.

Tea: I think you're the only man he's ever let kiss him, you know?

Sam: When he was catatonic?

Tea: It was the only way he'd let you get that close, I think.

Sam: (Laughs.)

Tea: He fired you, didn't he?

Sam: How'd you know?

Tea: I know Todd.

Sam: Well, I might just take him up on it.

Tea: Sam...

Sam: No! He fired me, he's driving me nuts about my son --

Tea: Bo's son, you mean.

Sam: (Looks sad and sighs heavily.) Yeah. Should I fight this?

Tea: Up to you.

Sam: I just don't know anymore.

Tea: Well, then let's discuss Todd's custody battle.

Sam: He fired me.

Tea: I'm hiring you back until he calms down enough to rehire you.

Sam: I guess.

Tea: Don't look so wary. We both know he'll have his tantrum first and then he'll take you back. He's over a barrel and he really needs you. I'd do the whole thing, but I'm the step-mother. I've done that once and I'm not willing to risk that again.

Sam: Same judge?

Tea: Goldberg.

Sam: Eesh.

Tea: Yep.

Sam: Ok...

Tea: We need to make sure our case is air tight, which I think it is.

Sam: Do you think he'll stay calm in court?

Tea: We've been through this before and he did. I was the wired one.

Sam: If he doesn't?

Tea: Then I will make sure Todd calms down. What will do the most damage to Blair's case is Blair and Dorian and their inability to shut up.

Sam: Do you have a plan?

Tea: I don't even need a plan. The situation itself will set Blair off, all we have to do is let her exploit it herself and reap the benefits from her lack of self-control.

Sam: We have to be the good guys in this.

Tea: We ARE the good guys.

Sam: Jeez. Imagine us. We're talking about Todd as a good guy!

Tea: He has his moments, and he can pretend for Starr. He has to.

Sam: And he knows it, too. But with her it's no pretense for him.

[Scene ends.]

[Scene: Palace Diningroom. Lunchtime same day.]

Blair: Sweetpea?

Starr: Yes, Mommy?

Blair: Are you ok? Still hungry?

Starr: I'm trying to leave some room for dessert.

Mel: Do you still want to share that sundae with me?

Starr: We could get a really big one and all share it.

Mel: What do you think, Blair?

Blair: Fine with me. You know we're going out to dinner with Kelly and aunt Dorian tonight, too?

Starr: Yes, Mommy. That's why I'm eating such a big lunch.

Mel: I told that woman she wouldn't be comfortable!

Blair: Dorian talked to you about this?

Mel: Yes, and I tried to tell her this would be too much for Starr.

Starr: I'll be fine, uncle Mel. I'll say I had a big lunch. That's not a lie, is it, uncle Mel?

Mel: No, sweetie, it's not.

Blair: (A little worried:) You really don't want to be around Dorian, do you?

Starr: No.

Blair: She's trying really hard to be nice, Starr.

Starr: That's because she's not. She wouldn't have to try so hard if it came naturally to her.

Blair: Starr!

Mel: (Chortles as quietly as he can.)

Blair: (Turns on Mel:) And you! You're sitting there encouraging her!

Mel: I am not! She's doing very well expressing herself. She doesn't need my encouragement.

Blair: Is that true, Starr?

Starr: Is what true?

Blair: That you still don't feel Dorian's so nice?

Starr: I don't think she's nice at all. She tried to take me from Daddy, she gets mad at uncle Mel and throws things, big, loud things. Why should I like being with her?

Mel: See?

Blair: But she's our aunt.

Starr: She's not mine. I disowned her.

Mel: That's pretty heavy stuff for such a little girl. Are you sure about this?

Starr: Yes.

Mel: You heard her, Blair. It's going to be a disaster.

Blair: No, it's not! It'll be fine.

Starr: (Rolls her eyes, and then looks meaningfully at Mel.)

Mel: (Returns the expression and nods at Starr. He looks at Blair:) It's your choice, Blair. I'll only have to pick up the pieces or more likely, stop the runaway freight train, with my bare hands.

Blair: Very funny, Mel.

Starr: (Crossing her arms.) You'll see, Mommy.

Mel: Ah. Well. Let's order our sundae, shall we? What would you ladies like on it?

Starr: Chocolate ice cream and whipped cream and fudge sauce.

[Scene ends.]

[Scene: Sun Publisher's office, mid-afternoon same day.]

Viki: Todd? You busy?

Todd: (Looking up from writing on a legal pad.) Mmm?

Viki: Just dropped by to see you. You haven't camped out in my office in some time.

Todd: Busy, Sis.

Viki: So am I, but not too busy for my family.

Todd: Ok. What kind of fish are you after?

Viki: No fish.

Todd: You don't usually just drop by here unannounced unless you want to drive me bonkers or scoop me, so what is it, Sis?

Viki: Can't a big sister check in on her baby brother from time to time?

Todd: (Heavy sigh.) Fine. You've seen me.

Viki: How are you holding up?

Todd: (Thinks for a moment as he watches her closely.) Ok, I guess.

Viki: You don't sound very convincing.

Todd: How should I feel right now? My kid could get taken away for good, one of my presses broke down and is being repaired frantically, I just fired my lawyer --

Viki: Tea?

Todd: (Gives her an incredulous look.) Nooo! Sam.

Viki: Oh. Not a smart move this close to the hearing date.

Todd: I've done a lot of stupid things in my life. Maybe I am bonkers.

Viki: Reconsidering it?

Todd: Yeah, it's in two days and I just fired my lawyer. What was I thinking?

Viki: I'm sure you two can work something out.

Todd: I'm not making the first move.

Viki: Are you still smarting over what he said after the tape played?

Todd: That doesn't even describe it.

Viki: Oh. I see...

Todd: I bet you do.

Viki: I was also pretty unforgiving that night.

Todd: Yeah, but you took me back. You took care of me when I came back to you.

Viki: Because you did, and because you're my brother. You're always going to be the baby of the family, and I'm sorry, but that means you're doomed to be fussed over by both Tina and I.

Todd: She's been living her own life all summer, she's mostly stayed out of my hair. Sometimes I barely know she's there. She drives me bonkers when she is there.

Viki: Oh, even Tina's not that bad.

Todd: She started out hating me. Is that what big sisters are supposed to do? You did.

Viki: Don't you think you gave us good reason to, though? I know you now, I didn't then. You have to admit, you have done some pretty terrible things in your life.

Todd: Moi?

Viki: Mai oui.

Todd: That's that frogspeak stuff. How many languages do you speak?

Viki: Mostly what I learned in school.

Todd: Like what?

Viki: Some French, I've picked up a little Italian from Opera. We had a lot of cultural exposure, Father would take us to the Opera when Merry and I were small. He'd keep us up late even on school nights and Mother would have a fit.

Todd: Sounds idyllic... (faraway expression)

Viki: Actually, in some ways it was. I wish it hadn't ended. I wish you'd had even that.

Todd: I don't.

Viki: I saw that faraway look. You do wish you'd had that.

Todd: Rod -- you know Rod -- he loves the Opera. I won't touch that stuff with a ten foot pole, but Rod, well, he's Italian. He loves that stuff.

Viki: Do they still come to you?

Todd: Not really, no. Sometimes. They don't, like, come popping out of my head like they were doing.

Viki: Good, because you're under a lot of stress.

Todd: What're you, my shrink all of a sudden?

Viki: Your big sister, doing the big sister thing and making sure the baby brother's all right.

Todd: (Mocking:) The baby brother. Yeesh. You're getting all saccharine on me and I'm feeling all sticky suddenly.

Viki: I love you, too.

Todd: Don't lay it on too thickly.

Viki: I just had an idea, which I'm sure you'll reject out of hand.

Todd: I always have the right of first refusal.

Viki: If you need to, I encourage you to stay with us at the mansion during the custody hearings. The house is a little empty, and I'd love to have you there.

Todd: Thanks. I won't take you up on it, but thanks.

Viki: I bet you will, but it's an open offer. It's your birthright, too.

Todd: I know. I keep trying not to think about what our father did to you, how I came to be. Just how much of an afterthought I was to him.

Viki: I'm sorry.

Todd: Why? What'd you do?

Viki: It's something someone says as a way of showing compassion.

Todd: I know that, but you shouldn't be. I don't need anyone feeling sorry for me.

Viki: I don't, but as the big sister it's my job to look after you.

Todd: It's Tea's.

Viki: It's all of ours to look after each other, but especially for your big sisters to look after you.

Todd: AAAAAAA! I'm a big boy now. I can even tie my own shoes!

Viki: Very funny. The offer still stands.

Todd: Tea will probably make us stay there anyway.

Viki: Maybe Starr should stay at Llanfair?

Todd: Maybe. Part time. The Penthouse is her real home.

Viki: Understood.

Todd: Now, shoo! I gotta printing press to fix and a paper to run.

Viki: (Turning toward the door, over her shoulder:) Show up anytime, seperate bedrooms or one is also fine.

Todd: We'll just see about that!

[Scene ends.]

TO BE CONTINUED