PREVIOUSLY

Blair: I'm going after Todd.

Max: You're already after Todd. Tina may be on the level, but this is Tina. I don't trust her.

Blair: He's up to something, I just know it.

Max: He's always up to something.

Blair: I'm going to have a little talk with Todd.

Max: Don't do anything stupid, Blair.

Blair: Like let him get me drunk?

Max: I wasn't drunk.

[Scene ends.]

**************************************************************************************************

[Scene: DK Diner, midday.]

Rachel: Sorry I'm late, Tea.

Tea: (Sitting in a window booth.) That's ok, come sit.

Rachel: I have so much paperwork to do today, but I wanted to see you.

Tea: (Smiles a little.) So do I.

Rachel: I went to law school so I'd avoid being a secretary, and now I am one anyway.

Tea: Well, I feel like one if it's any consolation.

Rachel: (Chuckles.)

Tea: Has the office improved any?

Rachel: Not much. I'm still low man on the totem pole. I'm surprised they let me out for a feeding.

Tea: I'm surprised I could make it out for a feeding.

Rachel: How's the lion cage these days?

Tea: What?!

Rachel: Remember, I once told you you were like a lion tamer with Todd? He'd just been really terrible at your place and you told me I'd just walked into the cage. More like a buzzsaw, really.

Tea: You remember that? Wow.

Rachel: Yeah. Not much else to do in prison but think about things.

Tea: Sorry. It was a long time ago. Lion taming's not all it's cracked up to be, but I still love my lion. He's more of a panther. Sleek, graceful, beautiful, and strong.

Rachel: With a nasty bite. If I didn't know you better I'd swear you just got very sappy there.

Tea: He can be a real pussycat when he wants to.

Rachel: Pardon my disbelief. Have you had him declawed yet?

Tea: (Flashes her a look.) He's wonderful with Starr.

Rachel: He was no pussycat at the lodge.

Tea: None of us were.

Rachel: He isn't going to spring on us now, is he?

Tea: He's at the office.

Rachel: Not lurking around the corner, stalking you?

Tea: We have bodyguards now, RJ's men, and they'd be following his every move. He's starting to get antsy about it, I can tell.

Rachel: Not a good sign.

Tea: They tail him very closely, he can't do anything without them knowing.

[Scene ends.]

[Scene: Dr. Boyd's office. Afternoon, same day.]

Dr. Boyd: How was your week?

Todd: Tea and I, we got much too close the other day. I almost lost control.

Dr. Boyd: How so?

Todd: We went to Viki's cabin for some family time and after we got back home Tea wanted me to be close to her while she fell asleep. We ended up kissing and it all went nuts.

Dr. Boyd: How so?

Todd: Boy, when you get in a rut...

Dr. Boyd: You're dodging.

Todd: I just almost lost control.

Dr. Boyd: What does that mean? Violent urges? Sexual urges? Violently sexual urges? What?

Todd: I wanted to make love with her so badly, but I could feel it begin to spiral out of control. It was going too fast too soon and I was afraid I'd hurt her.

Dr. Boyd: But you didn't?

Todd: No. I left.

Dr. Boyd: Does she understand why?

Todd: We did finally talk.

Dr. Boyd: About?

Todd: (Shrugs, uncomfortably.)

Dr. Boyd: Talk to me.

Todd: (Pauses, decides:) We talked about love.

Dr. Boyd: How so?

Todd: I'm not talking about it.

Dr. Boyd: It's what you're here for, Todd.

Todd: (Sighs hard. Pauses. Looks at him.) Ok. It was about whether I love her and how sex fits into things.

Dr. Boyd: And? Because you've said before you do love her.

Todd: Everyone gets so freaked when I say I need her instead. More and more I'm getting that love junk, and I'm seeing I do. I'm still really not sure what it means, though. I'm learning. I can say I need her, but everyone else thinks it's love and I'm still not sure what that means, what it is. I know for sure what need feels like.

Dr. Boyd: What does Tea think?

Todd: She thinks it's love.

Dr. Boyd: Well, it's always sounded like it to me, if it helps to hear.

Todd: You think?

Dr. Boyd: I do.

Todd: I'm always afraid she really only wants the sex and my money. I finally said it out loud.

Dr. Boyd: If that were true, she wouldn't be with you anymore. You'd probably be a basketcase or in the middle of a blinding, destructive rage and I'd be talking with you at the LPD lockup in your cell in the basement.

Todd: (Stares at him, eyes a little wide.)

Dr. Boyd: You know I'm right. Now, what else happened this week?

Todd: I've been having more nightmares. For a while, actually.

Dr. Boyd: Are they as bad as the others?

Todd: No. I hear a child's voice in my head saying he wants his "Mommy" that's sometimes me and I think it's sometimes Starr. That kind of plea is just not like me at all. I feel really hinky about it.

Dr. Boyd: Even here?

Todd: Maybe especially here. I don't want to talk about it much, mentioning it is embarassment enough. (Mocking voice and face:) Mommy? Eeeww.

Dr. Boyd: They still sound pretty intense.

Todd: I haven't been waking up screaming. With these I don't quite wake up. I'm there sweating and trembling, sometimes I wake up to this sound that I've figured out is me wimpering.

Dr. Boyd: Is your wife usually there?

Todd: Most of the time. She says she strokes my back and talks me back to sleep. I once told her to bore me to sleep after a bad nightmare in the livingroom. She made me go up to my bedroom and rest. I'd given her that room because it's nicer, but she made me go back to my own bed and ended up watching me sleep for hours on end. I'd grabbed her hand as I was drifting off and wouldn't let go all night.

Dr. Boyd: Is this when she bored you to sleep?

Todd: Yeah. We talked about our childhoods, 'cos I'd had that nightmare. That was all I could take and it was enough to make me feel safe again. She's good at that.

Dr. Boyd: You let her watch over you, that's very good. You seem to trust her with a lot, still. I know you love her very much.

Todd: Love... What's love? People have told me for years that because I hate myself so much I can't be capable of loving someone else. But, see, that's the POINT. I'm not loveable, but that other person IS. Maybe it's arrogant to think so, but I do. Accepting that someone loves me, someone not loveable, is so hard for me. Loving someone else is easier. It's not loving ME. I'm not worth it, but Viki is, Jess, most of all Starr and Tea are.

Dr. Boyd: Why do you think you're not worth loving?

Todd: It's what I was taught. I'm not loveable. I'm not good-looking, although I have times when I dispute that strongly. My mom, she used to tell me I was the most beautiful little boy in the world, and I believed her. My old man would tell me she was wrong, I was ugly and worthless just like her. I'd just have to pretend to accept that, 'cos he was bigger than me and he was supposed to know stuff. But I still hear her voice saying that, and I look in the mirror and see a good-looking guy. He's a damn bastard, but he's a good looking one.

Dr. Boyd: And that's not evidence of some even small self-love?

Todd: Not to me, not usually. Not where I can usually grab it and hold onto it and really connect with it. But Tea... she tells me the same thing my Mom did, only I'm a beautiful man, and she loves me no matter what. I don't understand that, but I want it so badly. She helps me to connect to that feeling and connect it to myself. I'm beginning to be more sure of what this love junk is about, but I'm not quite there yet. I know I need her. I think I'd die without her, she's such a part of me now. I don't know how to describe this any better. Being with her gives me hope. She believes in me.

Dr. Boyd: You're doing fine. I think I understand it now. It's a good thing that you're still trying to connect with people, with Tea. You crave unconditional love and you're forever testing people to see if what they're offering is unconditional and will last.

Todd: Whatever this is it's lasted. She's been so patient with me, but I keep waiting for her to bolt, run out on me like I ran out on her. I'm so afraid of hurting her and having her just flee me for good.

Dr. Boyd: I doubt she will. You say she believes in you.

Todd: But you're not sure, either. And I don't know what to do about all this family junk, you know?

Dr. Boyd: What specifically?

Todd: (Hiding anguish:) Aww, I don't wanna talk about it...

Dr. Boyd: No, I can see something's really bothering you.

Todd: No.

Dr. Boyd: It's why you're here.

Todd: I don't know where I fit in.

Dr. Boyd: But you're such a non-conformist, why the sudden wish to fit in?

Todd: I only want to fit in in a couple places.

Dr. Boyd: In your family? You're the head of your family.

Todd: Viki is.

Dr. Boyd: Of one family to which you belong, but you're the head of your family with Tea and your daughter.

Todd: Yeah... ok.

Dr. Boyd: What other family are you part of?

Todd: Never mind.

Dr. Boyd: Lemme think... In-laws. You're part of your wife's family, too.

Todd: No, I'm not.

Dr. Boyd: They've rejected you?

Todd: They hate me.

Dr. Boyd: And it bothers you?

Todd: Fighting...

Dr. Boyd: Fighting? What about it?

Todd: They hate me. They all hate me.

Dr. Boyd: Why does that matter?

Todd: They're Tea's family, and they hate me!

Dr. Boyd: Hmm... Ok. When you were a little boy, your parents fought a lot, yes?

Todd: All the time, it seemed.

Dr. Boyd: What did it sound like?

Todd: Like fighting. What does fighting sound like?

Dr. Boyd: You've said that Dorian sounds like your father, only with a higher voice. Do you fight with your wife's family?

Todd: They fight with me. They attacked me the other night.

Dr. Boyd: Had you said anything to them?

Todd: No. I was just there and they ripped into me. I didn't want Tea to go but she was determined so I had to go with her. I couldn't let her out of my sight that night.

Dr. Boyd: Why not?

Todd: I wanted her home. I was all hinky.

Dr. Boyd: Who was there?

Todd: We went to Carlotta Vega's house. Her kid Antonio, the older one, was there and my brother-in-law Del was there. As soon as they saw me they ripped into me. I was pretty wrecked when we got there, I knew it would be bad whatever happened and I just wasn't in the mood.

Dr. Boyd: That sounds pretty bad.

Todd: (In pain, quietly, straining for control:) They sounded like a chorus out of Hell, like my old man all at once. I had to get outta there as fast as I could, but I wasn't leaving Tea alone there. She met me at the car, where I was pacing because I felt so trapped. I should've just taken off, you know? But I couldn't just leave her with them. I drove us home and then I had to get out of there.

Dr. Boyd: Where did you go?

Todd: Work, then the docks. I got her a flower and put it near her when I went home in the morning and then back out for donuts. She said she liked it because it let her know I wanted to reach out to her.

Dr. Boyd: Did you?

Todd: More than anything. I was losing control and I had to get away. I'm fighting for my place as a father so hard that I was blindsided by how much I wanted that night not to have that fight with my wife's family. I don't expect them to accept me but I didn't need to be there that night and they didn't want me there, and it felt like old times, you know? Only this time it mattered somehow, and it hurt like hell.

[Scene ends.]

[Scene: Banner City Room, afternoon, after session.]

Todd: Sis.

Viki: Todd, hi. Did you want to talk?

Todd: Yeah.

Viki: Come. (Crosses into her office and closes the door.) Have a seat.

Todd: (Deep breath.) This is hard.

Viki: What's hard?

Todd: I gotta ask you about something. Feelings crap.

Viki: What about feelings?

Todd: How do you feel about me? I mean, really?

Viki: I love you, you're my brother.

Todd: How can you? I'm not loveable.

Viki: You are.

Todd: I've done some pretty terrible things, things I know you don't approve of.

Viki: You're being really honest here, I'm impressed.

Todd: Yeah, well. I may run out of here any moment.

Viki: Why do you need to know?

Todd: The doc and me, we were talking about it today.

Viki: Can I ask what you discussed? You don't have to tell me if you don't want to.

Todd: No, I'm trying to.

Viki: I do love you.

Todd: Do you love you?

Viki: I think I do. Now.

Todd: What's it like?

Viki: To love myself?

Todd: Yeah. I don't know what it's like.

Viki: I know you don't.

Todd: See, I don't love me but I love other people and that part's ok. The other person is worthy of that, but I'm not. Get it?

Viki: I can see why you'd believe that, sure.

Todd: All my life I've been told because I hate myself I can't love anyone else, not really. They've got it all wrong.

Viki: That sounds pretty hopeless put that way.

Todd: So, you get it?

Viki: I think so.

Todd: Ok. I mean, I love Starr with everything I've got, and she's ok, right? I know that that feeling is love. She's my world.

Viki: She loves you, too, and she's strong, healthy, bright, and confident because of your connection.

Todd: See, it works like that. I can give it away, I just can't take any in.

Viki: You take in more than you admit to.

[Scene ends.]

[Scene: Millhouse, afternoon after camp, same day. Duke's room.]

Duke: (On phone:) Mom?

LeeAnn: Duke? Something wrong?

Duke: (Sighs.) I want to stay here, but I don't, too. I don't know, Mom.

LeeAnn: Talk to me...

Duke: Well, see, Dad's got this whole new family, and...

LeeAnn: Duke, we talked about that. You said you'd try to get along with your Dad's new wife, and her son. You said you'd try to get along with your Dad. Have you?

Duke: Yeah. No. I mean... (growing upset:) Mom...?

LeeAnn: Take a breath and think about things first. I'm not going to have you running back to me at the first sign of problems, Duke. You said you wanted to do this on your own.

Duke: I know, but --

LeeAnn: No, buts, buster. You wanted to be with your father, to do that you have to spend time getting to know him and letting him get to know you. You also have to make the effort with Cassie, because your father loves her and she and her son are a big part of his life.

Duke: (Still upset, whining a little:) But, Mommmm!

LeeAnn: No, Duke. You asked me to let you go to your father, and there you are for now. It's not that I don't want you back, but you asked me if you could go to him so you could learn what it is to have a father. I'm not going to let you back out now and cheat yourself out of that.

Duke: I hate you, Mommy! (Slams the phone down and runs out of his room in tears.)

[Downstairs:]

Kevin: --And now Joe thinks he may have to do the whole shoot all over --

Duke: (Runs through the livingroom.)

Kevin: Duke? Hey! Where're ya goin'?

Cassie: Duke!!

Kevin: I'll go... (takes off out of the house after Duke, but Duke is headed for Llanfair too far ahead of Kevin.) Llanfair... Mom! (Runs back into the house.) Cassie, call my mom at the Mansion, I think he's headed there! (Takes off to the house after Duke.)

Cassie: Ok! (Rushes to the phone.)

[Scene ends.]

[Scene: Llanfair, library/den/study, several minutes later.]

Tina: (Reading an old book at Viki's desk.)

Duke: (Rushes into the house through the front door, out of breath.) Gran'ma?! Gran'ma! I need you, gran'ma! (Running into the kitchen, running back out, more and more upset, he runs upstairs, still calling for Viki, and when he comes downstairs he's crying his little heart out.)

Tina: Duke? Duke-honey?

Duke: I want my gran'ma!

Tina: What's wrong, Duke?

Kevin: (Enters the foyer, out of breath, plops down on the stairs next to Duke, who makes himself very small trying to lean away from Kevin, and keeps on crying, nearly wedged between the balusters.)

Tina: Any idea, Kevin?

Kevin: (Still catching his breath:) None.

Tina: Why are you crying, Duke? Can't you see your Dad's worried?

Duke: I want gran'ma! I wanna talk to gran'ma!

Viki: (Walks into the house and sees them all, and goes right to Duke.) What's wrong, honey? Why are you crying?

Duke: (Fairly leaping into Viki's arms:) Mommy doesn't want me! (He cries harder against her shoulder.)

Viki: I'm sure that's not so. (It takes a lot for Viki to be able to calm him down again. He won't talk. He's taking all this very hard.)

Kevin: I'll go call LeeAnn, mom. (He passes Duke and carefully leans in to kiss him on the head. Duke doesn't respond, Viki comforts him.)

[Scene ends.]

[Scene: PH2, evening. Livingroom. Todd lays down on the couch, his eyes drift heavily closed, one wrist on his forehead. About an hour later, he awakes with a start and has some trouble breathing but makes himself rise and begin to make his way to the stairs, staggering with fatigue and using the railing as a crutch. Tea enters set as he crosses to the steps. Tea snaps.]

Tea: Don't tell me you're drunk!

Todd: (Very tiredly and unsteadily pivoting by the railing to face her:) Ok, I won't. (Has trouble holding his eyes open.)

Tea: I knew it! You are drunk! Don't you have any self-control? How could you get drunk with Starr in the house?!

Todd: (Sitting heavily on one of the lower steps, using a deathgrip on the railing:) I said I'm not drunk. I came in, laid down for a minute, and the next thing I knew it was an hour later and I had more work to do.

Tea: Your speech is a little slurred and your movements are all slowed down like you're drunk. If it moves like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a drunk! I KNEW IT!

Todd: I'm not a drunk! I'm not drunk! (Rises again and crosses back to sit on the couch again in the middle. He looks terrible, he's rumpled, his hair is disheveled, and he looks dead on his feet, he's having some trouble breathing.)

Tea: No, I can see you've got three sheets to the wind, Manning. Look at you! You've even been sleeping in your clothes!

Todd: That's nothing new. (He flops down on his side on the couch, adjusts himself tiredly to his back with some effort, his eyes shut almost immediately and he's out again.)

Tea: This won't look good for custody. Todd? Don't you pull this on me! (He really is solidly out now.) Todd? (Crosses to the couch and leans over him carefully, shaking him:) Todd? (Leans in very close and smells his breath.) Oh, my god. You don't smell of booze! You haven't been drinking? Oh, my god. Oh... Querido, I'm sorry. (Drops to her knees next to the couch, touching his arm and watching him sleeping. She strokes his cheek for a while.)

[Scene ends.]

[Scene: PH2, a little later. Todd groggily opens his eyes, finds Tea asleep against him and strokes her hair a moment, resting his head against the couch again. He cups her cheek in his hand and looks at her sleeping. Carefully, concentrating, he sits up and then stands next to her. He stands over her, watching a moment and then with his usual panther-like grace reaches down to lift her. Once secured and adjusted in his arms, he makes his way to the stairs carrying her. Next he is laying her out gently on the MBR bed, then he's heading into the bathroom with a large towel, and then emerges, hair wet, in the towel. Next he is dressed and brushing his hair out at the dresser mirror, watching her sleep behind him. He finishes, tiptoes to the bed, reaches out and strokes her face with a longing look on his face, a little sad. Then he leaves. Sun Offices:]

Todd: (Sipping coffee from a paper cup, reading galleys and copy.)

Briggs: Boss, hi. I won't ask... There's some more copy I think you need to see.

Todd: (Surly:) Why?

Briggs: It seems there's a rapist active the past two weeks, who answers your description.

Todd: What, you suspect me?

Briggs: On the contrary, Todd!

Todd: I hope you don't. I don't do that anymore. I made a solemn vow to someone.

Briggs: I guess it's serious then.

Todd: You have no idea.

Briggs: Well, do we run this?

Todd: Gimme the copy.

Briggs: (Crosses to desk, hands him the copy.) You're sure?

Todd: Positive. I have to see this myself, Briggs.

Briggs: For what it's worth, I believe you. You're many things, but not that.

Todd: Not anymore, no. Never again. I've paid too high a price.

Briggs: I know.

Todd: Enough of this chit-chat, get back to work.

Briggs: Anything you say, Mr. Manning. (Smiles slightly to himself when his back is turned. Leaves.)

Todd: (Scanning the copy, on edge.) God. He really does sound like me. The description is damning enough, different MO... (Reads a little more.) That sonofabitch is brutal... Not even I'd do something like that. No, wait... (gulps.) I did... Uh-oh... That sonofabitch... I am not gonna get set up! (On his intercom:) Briggs! Get in here!

[Scene ends.]

TO BE CONTINUED