PREVIOUSLY

Tea: You're not suicidal?

Todd: No. I probably should be.

Tea: Well, I need to go back to sleep. You're sure you're ok alone down here?

Todd: I can't sleep now. I gotta make sure Blair doesn't come back for Shorty. Don't worry, I won't smash anything.

Tea: I almost wish you would. I wish you'd come with me, more. (Kisses his mouth passionately, he responds. Tea reluctantly goes back upstairs. She looks back to him more than once, longingly, on her way up.)

Todd: (Doesn't take his eyes off of her, even after she's disappeared upstairs.)

[Scene ends.]

**************************************************************************************************

[Scene: PH2 livingroom. Late evening, next night.]

Tea: You look exhausted. Are you still upset about last night?

Todd: Yeah. I couldn't get back to sleep after that. Last night was such a total headbanger. I kept watching the door. Everytime it rattled I'd jump.

Tea: I know you didn't sleep. I heard the shower later, and knew you'd finally just gone to work.

Todd: Blair came into the office just to scream at me this morning about that story she's on. That's why she was out of town all week. Then she screamed some more about last night. She gives me such a headache.

Tea: Does she think you're the source?

Todd: I am. I didn't tell her that.

Tea: Did you send her out of town so you could spend more time with Starr?

Todd: No, but it worked out that way.

Tea: Ok...... You look like you've read that page a dozen times now and gotten nothing out of it at all.

Todd: (Sitting at his desk, a book open.) Have you been watching me this whole time?

Tea: (Sheepishly:) Yes.......

Todd: (Shudders.) Eeeewww. It's like being stalked, stop that.

Tea: You should talk, you've stalked me. You can be really creepy sometimes.

Todd: (Sincerely contrite:) I don't mean to scare you.

Tea: (Firmly:) I'm worried about you.

Todd: (Bristling:) I'm fine. Don't go all mushy on me. Just leave me alone.

Tea: (Firmly:) No. You need some sleep, Todd.

Todd: (Sarcastically:) Sleep? You mean, lay down in bed and toss and turn all night? I get it. I'd rather pace the floor all night. Or, walk around Angel Square. At least Sam'll be happy. I'll be getting some exercise.

Tea: Angel Square? Really?

Todd: Yeah. And the docks. So?

Tea: Nothing. (Suddenly remembering:) Oh, Sam. That reminds me. Do you still have that herbal stuff he gave you to help you sleep? You got about an hour of sleep last night, the first in most of a week.

Todd: (Very wary:) Look, how do you know about that stuff?

Tea: (Calmly:) Sam told me about it. I sometimes had trouble sleeping when you were gone. I know you use it to help you sleep sometimes. I've found the wrappers.

Todd: (Bristling:) I've already told you...... Besides, (shrugs) I don't sleep. Sleep's over-rated. Life is what happens to you while you're sleeping, I've got things to do instead of waste my time sleeping. If I sleep for more than a few hours I feel like I've lost time. (Shudders.)

Tea: (Growing impatient:) You're dead on your feet, Todd, and you know it!

Todd: (Evenly:) No, I'm not. I'm sitting. (Weak smile.)

Tea: (Sternly:) The only thing keeping you upright is that chair.

Todd: (Flashes her a look. Fighting sleep, his eyelids drooping shut briefly.) I'm wide awake.

Tea: (Quieter:) What are you afraid of?

Todd: (Defensive:) Nothing. I'm not afraid of anything.

Tea: (Coaxing:) If you took some of that sleep stuff Sam gave you, what would happen?

Todd: (Glib, but very tired:) I'd sleep. It usually works.

Tea: Did you take some tonight?

Todd: (Defensive and irritable:) No. I'm not going to. What is this, twenty questions? An Inquisition? Senor Torquemada, I am innocent! "I am not now, nor have I ever been a member of the Communist Party."

Tea: (Bemused, smiling mildly at him:) That was a bit mixed, wasn't it? (Pauses. Changes tactics:) Would you like some wine? (Sly smile.)

Todd: Oh, you're sly, Delgado.....

Tea: (Grins at him.) You taught me this trick, Manning.

Todd: (Sits up straight and looks at her, shocked and a little frightened, suddenly much more alert.) You figured it out?! Look, I'm sorry. It was meant for me the night I proposed to you. I'm sorry.

Tea: (Flashes him an angry look, then calms self down forcibly.) Why, Todd?

Todd: (Looks away, anxiously:) I was scared. I'd just proposed to you, the real thing, and you'd said "yes". I was so anxious I was trying to crawl out of my skin. I ran out of the Palace bar, remember?

Tea: I remember....

Todd: (Quietly:) I was terrified.

Tea: (Voice rising:) I was worried. Then I thought, "how typical." (A little bitterly.)

Todd: (Looks at her, catches his breath.) I'd just told everyone in earshot that I love someone -- you -- and ...... and I want to spend my life with you ..... and all that mushy crap. I panicked. Like I said to Sam when he found me here that night, you'd chosen me over Andrew, and I really didn't know what to do next. I completely panicked. I ran out on you.

Tea: I didn't know where you were, so I came home.

Todd: (Pushes chair away from desk, unsteady but paces a little. Tea flinches to grab him, he bats her away, swaying slightly, gets his balance and moves away to pace. Puts his hands in his pockets.) Man, you're not the only one. I was so nervous I was beside myself. I'm ashamed to say I ran out on you, but I did. You'd said yes and suddenly I was spinning out of control inside. I had to go hide. I hadn't believed you'd say yes, and I hadn't planned what to do if you did. (Sits again at desk. Looks up at her.) Remember I asked you if you'd really said yes? If this was for real?

Tea: (Looking down at him intently:) I do. It is.

Todd: (Taking this in. Searches her eyes and face in awe, looking for confirmation) It is.....

Tea: Were you going to make love to me that night? I remember the way you kissed me here and how tense you were when we were throwing the pillow back and forth. The passion in that kiss really surprised me, it came out of nowhere.

Todd: (Long pause while he seems to decide if he'll tell her or not and while he struggles for words. He is obviously having difficulty both staying awake and putting thoughts together.) It's hard to think.

Tea: You don't have to think about it. Yes or no?

Todd: (Scared:) You're scaring me. When I can't put the words together and I get quiet, you usually walk away, thinking I don't care..... when I do..... Don't? (Waits for her response.)

Tea: (Nods, watching him.)

Todd: (Quietly, wearily:) I-I wanted to. I didn't know if I could go through with it. I think it was too soon.

Tea: How do you cope?

Todd: With what?

Tea: The.... (makes a face while thinking.) The tension.

Todd: What?

Tea: Do I have to spell this out, Manning?

Todd: That tension?

Tea: Yeah. How do you cope with it?

Todd: (Embarassed:) It's embarassing.

Tea: (Surprised:) You do?

Todd: (Uneasy.) You guessed.

Tea: (Concern.) Is it ok? Does it go ok?

Todd: I guess. You're a girl! How can I talk about this with a girl?

Tea: Not just any girl. The girl you say you love.

Todd: I do. That makes this worse, talking about it with you. I care what you think of me.

Tea: What do you think about?

Todd: (Looks away, very uncomfortable.)

Tea: Todd? This is important stuff, ok? I'm not asking about this to embarass you or pressure you into it with me, ok? (Pauses, watching his response.) Todd? Look at me, ok?

Todd: (Ducks his head down.)

Tea: Todd, there's no shame for doing that, ok? Look at me, Querido. Ooooh, mi corazon.

Todd: (Looks at her.) Do girls do it?

Tea: Some do.

Todd: Do you?

Tea: (Blushes.) Sometimes.

Todd: Does it feel good?

Tea: Of course. It's supposed to. Does it feel good?

Todd: (Nods, still looking pensive and apprehensive.)

Tea: Good. Maybe you'll be able to share that with me more easily one day.

Todd: That?!

Tea: If you want to. Or make love to me. It's ok, Todd. It really is. I like it when you find pleasure in something, especially when it isn't hurting anyone else or you. If you can find some measure of pleasure in your own body again, I'm very, very glad.

Todd: (Boyishly earnest:) Really? It's ok if I do that?

Tea: It sounds like a big step for you to do it at all, so yes, it's ok with me.

Todd: (Heavy sigh.) I used to think of other stuff, ugly stuff, when I did it and it used to turn me on a lot until I realized what it meant and then I stopped doing it at all for a long, long time. I didn't want to lose control like that, I didn't want anything to do with sexual stuff at all because it's so tied in with violence for me. Because of Peter, and then Carol and Marty, and even Blair.

Tea: What do you think of when you do it now?

Todd: (Quietly:) You. Only you. Being with you like that one day.... all ... sweet and gentle.

Tea: I think of you when I do it, too.

Todd: That's so scary.

Tea: I can see that. I'm so glad you trusted me enough to tell me this, though. Thank you, Querido. What you said about being all sweet and gentle? You can be, you know? You can be very romantic when you put your mind and heart to it.

Todd: You mean a sappy mush. Look, I put that stuff in my wine, you know, to help me relax and then you ended up drinking it all. You just grabbed my glass from me.

Tea: (Angrily:) It worked.

Todd: (More alertly:) That's not fair. It really was meant for me. Was I supposed to just tell you? Just spill my guts? I couldn't. (Anguish:) I couldn't risk that. I was afraid that if we did it, I might hurt you, lose control and get too rough as I got close.

Tea: Did you with Blair?

[Flashes back to:

Todd to Blair: You make me sick. Lying to you is just like breathing. You shed one skin and grow another, like a snake. Don't flatter yourself, you whore. All you gave me was sex. You used that body of yours to trap me. You "had" me. You climbed out of my bed, then you slithered into Cord's.]

Todd: (Looks away, ashamed.) I-I nearly raped Blair once.....

[Flashes back to:

Todd to Blair: I'm a monster? So what does that make you? The monster's whore. Tell me something. Doesn't this scare you? Just a little bit, Blair? [Todd's hand moves to his zipper and he begins to open his pants, intending to rape her.]]

Tea: (A little surprised.) Oh. You didn't rape me last time. You won't hurt me if you make love to me.

Todd: (A little dark and sad:) I didn't rape her either, the first few times. I called her the monster's whore, after she called me a monster. I don't ever want to think of you that way, especially not during..... you know, with you. Not ever.

Tea: (Calmly:) I'm not afraid of you, Manning.

Todd: (Voice cracking:) I'm afraid of me, Delgado. You should be. I'm afraid to lose control.

Tea: (Calmly:) Then you can be scared with me, and I'll keep us both safe.

Todd: (Sadly:) You can't.

Tea: (Firmly:) I can.

Todd: (Firmly:) No, you can't. I can't.

Tea: Watch me. You asked to be scared with me once. Remember? (They lock eyes. Pauses. Claps hands once, an abrupt decision apparently reached.)

Todd: (Jumps at the sound of her clap, watches her.)

Tea: (Hands clasped in front of her chest, looking in his eyes.) Ok. I'm turning the tables. I also found your stash.

Todd: (Looks very lovingly at her, almost relieved.)

Tea: You need some sleep. You've been burning the candle at too many ends lately. In fact, that's not a candle, that's more like a wax amoeba with bits of wick sticking out of it at odd angles, all lit up at once and hanging in mid-air somehow.

Todd: (Looks at her as he raises one eyebrow at her, still looking in her eyes.)

Tea: I'll get the wine. (Goes into the kitchen.)

Todd: (Follows her with his eyes, swiveling the chair to follow her. Leans back in his chair, and waits, fighting sleep.)

Tea: (Returns with a corked, previously opened wine bottle, and a goblet.)

Todd: This is the one from the fridge?

Tea: (Setting things down on the desk.) Yes. Nice and cool.

Todd: (Sits up, sheepishly retrieves two packets from desk drawer, fans them like playing cards and holds them up.)

Tea: (Uncorking bottle:) Would you like to do the honours?

Todd: So I know you're not tricking me?

Tea: Yeah.

Todd: You do it. I trust you.

Tea: (Looks in his eyes.) Whoa! That's big stuff.... Ok.

Todd: (Looks away.) Just do it, before I reconsider.

Tea: (While preparing the mixture:) Would it be ok if I stayed with you while you sleep? It's not just for you. I want to be close to you.

Todd: (Tired, wary.) Whatever. (Almost sullen:) No nookie.

Tea: (Gently:) No. No nookie. Not tonight. I won't pressure you. I do understand, and I did make you a promise. I now know how much you do make love to me with your heart and your mind. (Pours the contents of the packets into the goblet and then some of the wine. Picks the goblet up and swirls the contents, handing it to Todd to drink.) I want you to be able to sleep, to have a moment's peace and feel safe for once at night. That's all, right now.

Todd: (Takes proffered goblet and, not taking his eyes off Tea's, empties it in his usual haste.)

Tea: Ok. Let's get you upstairs before this hits you, you're already unsteady, and I can't carry you.

Todd: (Woozy already, swaying a little as he stands.) Whoa. Ok.

[They make their way upstairs slowly, she holding him up, he holding the railing tight as they go. Camera follows them to the top of the stairs. Cut to the hallway, in front of Todd's bedroom. They cross into the room. Tea helps Todd onto bed, where he falls over asleep on his back. She takes his shoes off and arranges him on the length of the bed, and climbs into bed next to him. He remains asleep. She takes his hand and slides her other arm under his neck, holding his hand to her chest. She closes her eyes.]

[Scene ends.]

[Scene: Dr. Boyd's office, two days later.]

Dr. Boyd: I realize our schedule's been a bit erratic.

Todd: That's ok. At least I'm here.

Dr. Boyd: True. How have you been doing?

Todd: Look, I'm not sleeping, not eating, right? I'm throwing up. I sometimes take this herbal sleep stuff Sam found and get a few hours of thankfully dreamless sleep that way. I don't wake up all spacey from it and I get to skip the nightmares. Other than that, I practically live on coffee most days, and junk food. I can keep coffee down pretty well. When I can't sleep, which is usually, I go to work, or walk all over town all night or something. Or just work all night.

Dr. Boyd: You shouldn't push yourself so hard to go through with this, Todd.

Todd: I don't have a choice. It's eating me alive from the inside. Tea slept next to me the last two nights, it was the only way I got any sleep night before last even with the herbal stuff in some wine. I'd been up for days.

Dr. Boyd: I see that you've lost some more weight. You need to take better care of yourself than this or you'll make yourself sick.

Todd: Would I be seeing you if I weren't sick? I'm so strung out at this point.

Dr. Boyd: Injured, feeling damaged, but not sick.

Todd: Broken and looney toons, you mean.

Dr. Boyd: No. Have you chosen a safe place inside to go if it becomes overwhelming when you tell them about the nightmare??

Todd: Yes. It seems like so much psychobabble, though.

Dr. Boyd: It does work, though. What are some ways you can use to orient yourself to now if you start to go out of control?

Todd: Tea's voice. Tuning into my surroundings as much as I can. Pinching myself, stuff like that.

Dr. Boyd: Very good. Sometimes it helps to check a clock or a calendar, too.

Todd: I've found that sometimes helps. Pain. Pain is good.

Dr. Boyd: Tuning into things like where your body actually is in space has been known to be helpful; like sitting on a chair in the present, and not standing someplace in your past, for example, and finding where your body actually is.

Todd: I'll remember.

Dr. Boyd: Good. Use anything that helps you stay as much in the present as possible, without self-harm, and which will help bring you back to the present. You can call me.

Todd: What if I don't want to come back?

Dr. Boyd: I think you do, or you wouldn't be here now.

Todd: (Scowls.) You know too much.

Dr. Boyd: (Smiles.) It's my job.

[Scene ends.]

[Scene: Todd's bedroom.]

Todd: (On the handset phone by his bed.) Sis?

Viki: Yes?

Todd: Can you get everybody together at your house tomorrow?

Viki: Everybody?

Todd: You, me. I'll send Tea ahead, you just get Sam there, ok?

Viki: When?

Todd: Afternoon?

Viki: I'll get back to you, but I'll call Sam. Is this the meeting you keep putting off?

Todd: Yes.

Viki: I'll let Sam know.

Todd: Sis?

Viki: Yes?

Todd: (Looking uncomfortable:) Ummm....

Viki: You're welcome, sweetheart.

Todd: (With difficulty:) Whatever.

Viki: (Quietly smiles to herself.)

[They hang up. Scene ends.]

TO BE CONTINUED